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We're in our editorial meeting from 9 to 11 a.m., so we'll be observing Slog silence, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you! Here's what Birch has to say.

Will The Stranger's childishness never cease? This week, the paper ludicrously strains to discredit a hardworking, individualistic American whom I'm proud to call an old friend: Kemper Freeman Jr., the patriarch of the family that owns the splendid Bellevue Square retail establishment (among other fine Bellevue properties), and the scion of a long line of keen and strong Washingtonians who have toiled to keep this state on the straight and narrow. The bloodline yawns back to the era when poor Indians needed the help of the Freeman family to survive, and their financial fortunes have been trickling down to the poor—viz., Stranger staffers—ever since.

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ELI SANDERS, for reasons that would be unfathomable if he were not a staff member at a fringe publication that obviously despises the successful merely for their success, attempts to assassinate not only the character of Mr. Freeman Jr., but also the institution of the automobile. This is nothing more than a bloated, self-important hit piece perfectly timed to interfere with the election currently under way, and a certain initiative in particular: I-1125. Sanders obviously takes umbrage at the very idea of four-wheeled vehicles—as an admitted homosexual, he likely takes some kind of unspeakable pleasure from riding the "banana"-shaped seat of his bicycle hither and yon—and his intent is nothing less than to abolish car-oriented transportation entirely. What he doesn't seem to fathom is that no one living in Bellevue has any desire to meet the unwashed masses that light rail would undoubtedly bring to its shores. Staffers at The Stranger may not be able to afford cars, but Bellevue denizens certainly can.

Other abuses this week of the power that comes with buying ink by the barrel: PAUL CONSTANT makes a pitiful attempt to convince you, dear reader, that yet another passing fancy of popular culture—the zombie—is a valid source of inspiration for the literature of our time, while neglecting to mention that author Colson Whitehead will be appearing with Mr. Constant at an event this week; mark this one down as a vainglorious conflict of interest. The fatuous KELLY O needlessly glorifies metallic products in a fawning interview with a man from an organization called Judas Priest, which is evidently a purveyor of alloys, although, confusingly, the organization's products and business model remain unaddressed. Then, in the CHOW section, we are "treated" to a Halloween-inspired "investigation" into Seattle's "haunted" bars—a fitting topic for a group of immature alcoholics, but not, unfortunately, of any interest to the rest of us.

Meanwhile, fashion columnist MARTI JONJAK scribbles some nonsense about skirts; ELI SANDERS yet again glorifies the promiscuous lifestyle of homosexuals in the form of a film review; LINDY WEST returns, god help us all; and DAN SAVAGE once again disseminates the bizarre habits of the very few to his distressingly large readership.