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Comments
She "lowered" her standards to date ONE guy who apparently wasn't conventionally attractive enough, so she's not doing it again.
Yeah, she's really looking hard for something that works. It's not at all that she likes to be able to complain.
Suck it up, work your @ss off for 6-7 months, lose the weight, and see if you get asked out! Then you'll know for sure if the issue was your weight or not! And if it wasn't the weight, you can choose to stick with it if you like the way you look and feel, or let it creep back on if you were happier before.
and it's quite likely that the reason they're approaching you is not because they deem you to be in their league - but that they actually *do* find you attractive. they're unconventional in other ways, it stands to reason that their beauty standards may be unconventional as well.
i think dan is correct - you have set yourself up to fail.
My wife is also larger than the "conventionally attractive" standard (which I'm going to assume refers to the body ideal that is typically portrayed in the media) yet a lot smaller than the women you'd see in BBW porn. While I'm not claiming to be anywhere near Brad Pitt in the looks department, I'm relatively thin, fit and well-groomed. Let's put it this way: I've dated plenty of conventionally-attractive (read: thin) women in my life and no one acted like I was totally out of their league.
I think her features are amazingly beautiful, but that's not all there is to it. She is the horniest woman I've ever met, and the very definition of Good, Giving and Game. She's also confident and comfortable in her own skin. That was really appealing in terms of wanting to pursue a relationship with her. Dan and your friends are right, attitude makes a difference.
And keep in mind that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I always laugh when friends brag about how (conventionally) hot their wives/girlfriends are, then turn around and complain about never getting laid, or being treated poorly, or money problems related to their partner's spending habits. Being "conventionally attractive" or being with someone who is doesn't automatically mean you're better off, but it sounds like you think it does.
Also, reminds me of a caption I saw once on a photo of a conventionally hot girl: "Just remember, no matter how hot she is, somebody somewhere is sick of putting up with her shit."
And, you know, if she's that fucking bothered, maybe she should hit the fucking gym? Jesus. Don't write in to Dan and include the most obvious solution to your problem in the letter, please. If you can't be bothered to work for what you want, maybe the problem is your priorities.
From what I've seen, men can trade up by being rich, powerful, or really funny.
Likewise, I've seen women trade up by being smart, socially connected, sexual wildcats, or by going for an older man.
Sure, LW could hit the jackpot, but odds are against it.
On the other hand, I remain unconvinced that someone who doesn't take care of themselves really has the right to *only* want to date people who *do* take care of themselves, because that's kind of just...unfair.
You shouldn't hold other people to a higher standard than you hold yourself. I think this is what I'm trying to say. If you're going to expect something of other people, you need to expect it of yourself as well.
I have this argument with a friend of mine all the time because she constantly holds the guys she wants to date to a higher standard of behavior than what she is willing to do, and I take issue with that.
LW, if you want to date attractive, fit men who aren't chubby chasers, then you need to be fit. Sorry. But if you're going to hold them to that standard, you need to hold yourself to it.
Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. Thus there is a good chance that you are some guys type. So you need to start thinking of yourself as desirable and own your curves. If not you run the risk of being your own Achilles heel.
You also need to be self-aware enough to know if you allow yourself to reject others, then others have the same right. There is nothing inherently wrong with having a "type", but if you are not careful you're going to miss out on some great guys for superficial reasons. Never forget that time, gravity, and death show no mercy.
Good luck.
My favorite is a study done with videos, of men wearing Axe vs. not wearing Axe. Just video, but a large sample size of women found men wearing Axe more attractive. Because they believed they were more attractive, so they acted more confidence, and that came through in their behavior in the videos.
Confidence is always sexy.
Work on your profile to make yourself seem like the most awesome person in the world (because you are, in fact, awesome!). Don't mention your weight in your profile - the pictures you've posted should do all that speaking for you.
More men will see your profile on a daily basis than you could hope to meet in an entire weekend of barhopping. The ones who aren't attracted to your body type will screen you out; the ones who are will message you. Do the same thing on your end - look for guys whose pictures and profile both attract you, and send him a message. Keep in mind the 1 in 10 Formula: Out of every 10 profiles you read, you'll only end up wanting to message one of them. Out of every 10 messages you send, only 1 will turn into a date. Out of every 10 dates you go on, only 1 will merit more dates. Out of every 10 guys you date casually, only 1 will end up being relationship material. It's a numbers game, and the only way you win is by playing. Some guys you find attractive might not message you - maybe the attraction isn't reciprocated, maybe they just aren't online much, maybe they just got a girlfriend and have yet to deactivate their profile. Just keep at it. Eventually you'll find an attractive guy who is just as attracted to you, and you'll forget all the people who didn't message you.
Don't assume that the geeky or older men are hitting on you just because they think you're desperate. They may be honestly attracted to you. An older man may also be a man who's more secure in his desires and feels less of a need to date a slender woman to earn the approval of his peers; and so he's going for the sort of woman he really desires, which is you.
1) Get fit.
2)Start being the aggressor, ask out lots of guys, but prepare for lots of rejection. Don't let it get soul-crushing, you are just playing the numbers until you find that rare guy who is into bigger women.
3) Go online, spell out who you are and who you are looking for. I recommend OK Cupid. Free, and the best of them regardless of price.
I think balderdash has it nailed - she sounds young.
Or don't. But then don't b*tch about your choices.
Sorry to sound harsh, but this letter kind of touches a nerve, really. She wants the world handed to her on a platter. Try being a less-than-conventionally-attractive straight guy sometime. You have no idea, girlfriend.
In fact, I feel like I know quite a few more women who are with guys who are WAY below their league. Mind-boggling.
As a rule. Of course, exceptions exist. But they are uncommon, perhaps rare.
You are overweight. Overweight is less desirable. It may not be right or fair, but it is what it is. You don't get the luxury of being as picky as you are. If you want to have a chance at getting in a few good relationships, be excruciatingly truthful with yourself about where you fall on the dating scale (say 1-10 in terms of conventional desirability), and date guys within a point of your position, up or down. Sure, if you have unconventional attractiveness to men (You're a gamer girl, for example, or otherwise have appeal to a special subset of men for a reason not looks-based), go after better-looking men who value that special unconventional attractiveness. But when it comes to ordinary men, you will learn to be with and love someone a lot better if you accept that to most of the customers coming in the shop, you're not really what they are looking for.
I say to the gay guys, if you wouldn't date you, why would a much hotter guy? ICHTT, if you wouldn't date the male version of you, why would a CA guy want to date you? After all, you're "just not their type" and they "don't feel like [they] need to settle". That's an ugly sentiment, but at least the CAM have a right to it. You don't.
2) Get sexy in your bigness. Take a belly dancing class. Join a roller derby league. Find things that celebrate the sexiness of big to help you kick that no-hot-guy-is-gonna-be-into-me, self-trash-talk shit. Anyone who feels sexy and exudes confidence gains 10 sexy points. Go.
The two women I know who get / have gotten the most play I've ever seen have been amply proportioned and also extremely fit.
It is also worth noting that large breasts are heavy; they can easily weigh 20 pounds, and can be weight that it is difficult or impossible to lose. Focusing on increasing muscle tone and cardiovascular health is a much better idea than obsessing over pounds.
Also, I'll second balderdash's statement that you sound young. You might feel differently over time - my taste in women broadened a bit as I grew older, as it happened.
Just as the has the right to think chubby, less-conventionally-attractive guys are not her type, men (some? many?) also have the right to think that chubby women like her are not their type.
And just as the chubby, less-conventionally-attractive guys suffer because of that, and face the problem of either changing their appearance or then changing their standards, so does she.
Many people have already given good advice to her; I'm not going to repeat it. I'm just going to say, to the LW: your extra pounds are probably just as important to prospective date partners as their own extra pounds would be important to you.
And, of course, there's the attitude. Yes, the attitude is important; please take into account the advice above about changing your attitude. But as far as the extra pounds go, I insist they are as important to others as they are to you. If you're willing to disregard a guy because he's fatter than average, then you're basically using the same standard of beauty that maybe affects you.
But I have never understood this reasoning. I have seen some truly awful-personality/attitude people gets tons of attention. Some of my friends are even more insecure about their looks or complain about their weight more than I do, and get lots of male attention.
How does the "oh it's your attitude" theory explain that??
That said, the guys who are attracted to curvy, chubby, and BBW are looking for confidence, same as everybody else. In other words, if you're ashamed of your body, if you slouch, have bad posture, dress poorly, can't speak intelligently, you're not going to be seen as attractive. Go look at Christina Hendricks - she's revered for being stylish (and have enormous bosoms) but she only pulls off the weight she does because of her style and confidence.
So yeah. Convince yourself that no guy could ever love you, and you're right, he won't. Have style and confidence and you'll turn heads (to a point) regardless of size.
As to what most guys find attractive - believe it or not - most men I know prefer something in between super skinny stripper porn and fetish BBW porn. Men like full breasts, curvy hips and round bottoms. Think Christina Hendricks or Marilyn Monroe.
I know it can be difficult to lose weight - and some women will always be 10-20lbs over that no matter what they do. However there is a big difference between a woman with a healthy lifestyle (one who hikes and can play sports etc.) and one that is primarily a junk food binging couch ornament.
Get out of bars, join a hiking club or get into activities like recreational sports that have an abundance of men, and I guarantee you there will quality men who are both interesting and interested.
And yes, many of the people she feels attracted to will not return those feelings because of her weight problem. That is entirely their problem.
So her problem is, really, how can she become attractive to the people she's attracted to? Changing her attitude might help, but a combination of attitude adjustment and losing some fucking weight would take her much further than whining about it.
Harsh? Come on. She's obviously not comfortable with herself and she's longs for some idealized fantasy world where everyone can see what a wonderful person she is in spite of the measurement of her waistband. Her choices are then to actually BE that wonderful person where everyone can recognize how beautiful she is on the inside, or eat right and become beautiful on the outside. (Whether she chooses to fix the insides will only matter if she wishes to KEEP the interest of any of those beautiful men she's into.)
Obviously, she is not happy being fat or she would not be writing. She wants the world to change to meet her demands, but that just doesn't happen, and her unhappiness comes from that dissonance with reality. (Thank you, Buddha!) Suck it up and lose some weight! Get some willpower and try some of the low-carb or keto diets that help lose fat pretty quickly, and see if it makes a difference. Your attitude will probably change just from feeling and looking a little better, and even if you don't become some skinny Minnie, you'll probably find your love luck turning.
On this week's episode of "Things Fat Chicks' Friends Tell Them,"
(I feel obligated to add, that I actually ended up with a wife who is a good deal prettier than I am. I like to think that one of the things that sold her on me is that I'd also be with her if she weren't as gorgeous as she is.).
Personality clearly could use improvement.
Now the positive comment. Go hunt down Sugarbaby ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090377/ ), a delightful mid 1980s German film about a very plain overweight woman (even worse, she works for a mortician and is snubbed by her neighbours) who sets her sights on a good-looking subway driver. Her goals are to improve her looks and build up her self-confidence (while using saved-up vacation time) though - most important to note - she doesn't lose any weight in the process. But she keeps her focus on the goal until she succeeds.
1) a vast, vast majority of men don't want to date a woman who is proportionally more overweight than they are. It's not attractive to them and even if they'd consider it, peer pressure from male friends would prevent it.
2) if you aim a little higher than your weight/attractiveness would dictate, you can achieve some success if YOU are the pursuer, but those same dudes will almost never approach you.
3) I like being around women that are happy, smile a lot, and are confident, in addition to other more personal qualities (like hating republicans). I won't speak for other guys, but I think many like those qualities too: dark, moody and insecure get old fast.
So... change the things that you can: I suspect weight will be easier than attitude, but try working on both. Then get out there and talk to dudes a little more attractive than you, but not too much more.
It's a bit harder with people whom you find less hot since the non-sex stuff takes a bit more time.
But, no matter what, in a relatively short time that physical attraction will wear off and unless there is something more to it the relationship will die.
So sure, a relationship with someone a bit less attractive than you like will not be as amazing right off the bat as someone hot, but once you get past that initial period, and assuming you are compatible on the rest of the shit, it will be as good.
You can be overweight and still fit, and you can be "skinny" and out of shape. For most purposes, in almost all instances I'm aware of (the exception being actual fat fetishists and feeders), it's the "out of shape" that's unattractive, not the weight. For my part I've always been attracted to larger, curvier girls, but the one's I'm interested in are always the ones that are active and clearly have a healthy body with some extra padding on it. People who are sedentary tend to have a flaccid, unappealing lack of muscle tone - that "doughiness" that ICHTT was complaining about.
Don't worry so much about weight and size. Worry about health. That's what makes you attractive or not... and it's also what makes you feel good, and thereby makes you confident, and thereby makes you appealing.
I like conventionally attractive guys, too. And I was fat. You know how I attracted one? I changed my diet and lifestyle and started getting a modicum of fucking exercise.
Having been a fatty for much of my life previously and literally worked my ass off to get into good shape, I can't have any sympathy for these types who bemoan their bodies without being willing to change their unhealthy habits to lose weight. It's hard work, but totally worth on a number of levels.
I married young, have not ever much pondered if I had a "type" since it's moot at this stage of my life anyway. What I've always told anyone who asked was that I never rejected a body attached to a head I was interested in. Sort of like you said, "not CA" wasn't part of my criteria at that point.
Let's see now... You yourself refuse to date fat people. Damned proud of that attitude, even. And you...well, you...suspect...that some operationally significant portion of the population feels the exact same way you do? And even though your friends all say, "Oh, no, that's not it," you think you must be right?
Honestly, lady, I'm at a loss here: what do you hope to accomplish by your hypothesis, let alone your letter?
Given the accusations of fat-phobia leveled at Dan in the past, I have a hard time believing this isn't a fairly transparent attempt by a glitter-bomber (is there an equivalent to glitter-bombing for fatphobia?) waiting to pounce.
Assuming, however, for the sake of argument that you are legit, I have to say that yes, your friends are right: It IS your attitude. And the specific problem with your attitude is that you have written off three quarters of the population as undateable after giving exactly ONE of these lower caste guys a chance. They aren't _all_ going to be painfully shy with pitifully low self-esteem. You might find someone who is quirky and funny and makes you laugh and treats you like gold, and wonder of wonders is a fucking tiger in bed given the least bit of encouragement. (Years of pent-up demand can be put to good use, after all...)
The other thing about the attitude is the part that Dan mentioned: if you are convinced nobody wants you but the ones you don't want, you probably are putting out the wrong vibes at social events. Frankly, if you want to score a hot guy, go chase a few.
I've also known women, some heavy and some not, who had little dating/sex experience, and as they got older, they relied more and more on increasingly unrealistic fantasies about romance and relationships. It's as though the longer they went without the reality checks that socially and sexually active people experience, the more they filled in with schoolgirl fantasy.
I'm sure it also applies to aging guys who get more and more unwilling to "settle" for "less" than they're beating off to, but I've only known women like this.
Too bad I'm a woman.
And I don't think that kind of (self-)deception is deliberate, either. The allure of a status symbol is very real, and people probably don't even realize that its being a status symbol is why they want it. There may also be the added element of insecurity; someone (looking at you, ICHTT) may tell him or herself that they cannot settle for anything less than the "best" even if it's not what they really want because they don't want to compromise their sense of self-worth.
People need time to grow up and figure out what they actually want; some people need more time than others.
1) I lost weight and got in shape.
2) I accepted the fact that I wanted people who were much better looking than me. This meant also accepting the fact that *they weren't going to go for me and I needed to "lower" my standards.*
She frankly sounds like an asshole (like I was), and needs to grow up and get in shape.
@28 - I'd like to echo #28's comments. By the end of this year I hope to be strong enough to climb to safety during a natural disaster or out run a zombie. Right now you could consider me an early casualty.
My partner was overweight when we married, and a little later decided that she didn't like that about herself. She changed her diet and started exercising. In 6-8 months or so, she lost forty pounds. It was a lifestyle change, even more impressive because she has fibromyalgia.
I don't know what my point is.
Perhaps I'm biased in favor of my own group (Big Girls) but my experience has often been that, having had to deal with a lot of crazy bull-shit re: our size, Big Girls are often a little more mature and realistic about our expectations for others. (And I don't mean that in a gross, "They'll do ANYTHING" way, either.)
This girl scares me!
Anyhow, more men than you would think are sexually attracted to fat chicks, and even more are willing to round up, sexually speaking. Men are not as choosy when it comes to sex as they pretend to be, at least the straight ones aren't (I'm just glad I'm not a gay man). But most won't want to be seen in public with you. So even if you've been enthusiastically fucking the same guy for months, good luck getting a dinner and a movie. They get ashamed.
Four options here:
1.) Let out your inner domme. Handily I already am kinky that way. If you are dominant at all, consider cultivating those tendencies. The female dominant/male submissive odds are very good for the female dominant, no matter her weight. My current men are extremely conventionally attractive, although I wasn't looking for that, it just happened to work out that way.
or
2.) Go black. African-American men's subculture favors the idea of chubby being hot, so they are a lot less hung up about women's weight. And African-African men even more so. West African culture especially prizes women who are on the chubbier side, and West African men generally don't think thin women are hot at all.
or
3.) Resign yourself to a romantic life of hot sex and nothing else. Cultivate a social life with your female friends, get out of the house and do fun things, and make sure that at least he buys you flowers and dinner in.
or
4.) Lose the weight.
Again, this advice is for those women fatter than the mere chubby stage.
I only hope that my love sticks around until I'm quite dead, that's not forever but hopefully I'm only halfway there.
Patience, and don't worry too much. Also Craigslist is not pure evil (but be careful).
There is a great book called "Turn Your Cab Light On" or something like that that I wish I had written, because it details everything that I figured out naturally. Hello! You need to smile, have fun, pretend like it doesn't matter, but put yourself forward when you figure out who you would like to spend more time with, hedge your bets, practice flirting. I never lacked for dates, and still get hit on all the time, even when I'm not "trying"...
Try this one, turn your head to look at a guy you're interested in. Smile quickly, then turn away. Look back a half minute later. He'll probably be looking.....
Learn to send the clear message that you are DTF (and mean it) and plenty of these conventionally hot guys will be interested.
That is, let potential partners know that you are GGG, the rest will take care of itself. Bed a dozen or so and one will surely stick around for the LTR if that's your goal. Truly GGG women are harder to come by than are conventionally hot ones, so only guys who are the biggest fans of variety over availability will want to move on.
Not sure about OKcupid, but even a very mild profile on a site like AdultFriendFinder says that you're DTF. If at this stage you're only able to claim the last couple of Gs, someone will be willing to provide the coaching and practice necessary to claim the first.
If you're not conventionally hot and you don't want to either lower your standards or compromise your morals, you'll probably have to go the conventional route by adopting a cat and developing a passion for romance and fantasy novels.
Being fat can suck, especially when it comes to your love life, but it just means we have to try a little harder to be the kind of people everyone wants to know.
And hey, if you click with someone, always, always give them the chance! I've had some really positive relationships with guys I wouldn't have even looked at had they not approached me.
How do I get dates and sex from this wide spectrum of dudes? I got therapy and learned how to stop being a WATB.
Now, if a marriage and kids are in the picture, then it gets complicated.
So, LW, if you're lamenting your life, then suck it up and get busy. Or, be miserable, but don't ask loaded questions.
2) that I attract a lot more Black men.
It's a little annoying for me that men assume that bigger automatically means more dominant, since I'm pretty submissive myself. It's pretty funny that you mention that, although I'm sure that wasn't exactly your main point.
Which is not to say that attitude doesn't matter. But the attitude will mostly succeed with those guys who are attracted to (or are borderline attracted to) women of your physical type. It will make it easier to spot them, and with the right attitude they may be attracted to you rather than to some other woman with the same body type.
So--basically you wanted confirmation that men have in average standards similar to yours. Indeed, they do.
Be realistic and adjust expectations, have a better attitude and you might meet someone, ICHTT. If your standards are so high that you can't even personally clear the bar yourself then there is no way you're mentally or emotionally ready to be in a relationship, b/c you're not mature enough yet. Relationships are give and take. You can't just have everything your way.
Have fun. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin.
(And, after watching "Supersize Me" last night, stay the frack away from junk food)
Peace.
I think it is a common misconception among women that if you want to get hit on by an attractive man, you just stand there and if he thinks you are hot enough he will hit on you. This is crap. Even positing a situation of heteronormative gender role performance where it is totally his job to hit on you and not vice versa, you have to open that door to him, basically every time.
I recommend cultivating an outward affect that makes it clear that your interlocutor is the most fascinating thing ever to you. More eye contact than necessary, active listening, etc. Also, breasts.
And if you don't think the person is fascinating, that is the problem. My sister is always complaining about how she can't get men, and I really think that it is because she is truly not interested in other people.
You're absolutely right, fairness doesn't come into play in dating and mating. Some people are more desirable than others. That's not fair, but it's reality and no amount of complaining is going to change it.
If you don't show up for a game, you're certainly not going to win it. But just because you show up doesn't mean you're going to win. So it is with self-esteem. If you don't have any, that's really going to kill your chances at attracting other people. But just because you have it, it doesn't mean other people (or, specifically, the people you're interested in) are going to be attracted to you. A guy or a woman can be positively brimming with self-confidence but if the person they're interested in doesn't find them physically attractive, they are almost certainly not going to be getting naked with that person.
It's entirely possible that if you had a real positive attitude about your body as it is, that you'd eventually attract one of the "conventionally attractive" men you're interested in. But I suspect you'd be more likely to do that if you worked on getting in better shape. Good luck!
Actually not crap. Well, not entirely. A man who is aggressive will hit on a woman he finds hot. A man who is shy will not.
Even positing a situation of heteronormative gender role performance where it is totally his job to hit on you and not vice versa, you have to open that door to him, basically every time.
Yes, a woman has to look approachable to some degree. I'm on another blog run by a woman who, in a post last fall, claimed she has two "very attractive" friends who are "warm and friendly" but "never get asked out." I told her I wasn't buying it. I told her they either aren't that attractive or else they are attractive but act very aloof, not "warm and friendly."
And if you don't think the person is fascinating, that is the problem. My sister is always complaining about how she can't get men, and I really think that it is because she is truly not interested in other people.
That may be similar to what that woman is claiming about her "never-get-asked-out" friends. Perhaps the women don't act aloof, but they might also not be genuinely interested in other people. In any case, they are doing something that is a real turn-off to men.
1) What straight women think a "conventionally attractive" woman looks like is often not at all what men actually like. If you look at movie stars and magazines, you see all these chicks with totally flat stomachs. Most straight guys actually like a little chub because it's soft and cuddly- also, because generally it comes with naturally bigger boobs. So don't necessarily think of yourself as chubby based on media images the standard.
2) It's not just attitude- presentation matters a lot. Wear clothes that fit and flatter you, and make yourself up nicely. If you have a pretty face, you should be able to make yourself gorgeous there at least. I know a lot of chubby people who make themselves look really overweight just by dressing themselves badly (like my boyfriend before I made him over). Don't think that wearing baggy clothes makes you look better, don't think that wearing a size too small will make you look thinner. Figure out what your best features are and dress to show them off.
I guess maybe? I am just saying, it takes a special kind of aggressive man to cross a room and hit on a lady from whom he has received no signal. It doesn't take a particularly aggressive (or non-shy) man to chat up a woman who has looked at him a few times sidelong in the manner someone described above.
But you are right, some guys will do all the initial work themselves. Not that I myself would want to have anything to do with those guys. But that is just me and one of my filtering methods.
90 and make yourself up nicely
Ew. I haven't worn makeup since high school (other than mascara once or twice). It is so messy, and so bad for your skin! I don't think that making oneself up nicely or otherwise is really necessary.
I mean, I am just a woman of probably average attractiveness, maybe less. I don't try very hard, and yet I have really never had a problem getting as much play as I was interested in, since I figured out how to ask for it. I enjoy the company of men and really like sex; those are the only things that I can think of that I do that "hotter" women of my acquaintance who have man problems don't do.
Well, that and I have no interest in fratty jerks. :) Hot men yes, fratty jerks no (I don't care how cut they are, it is just not worth it).
I suppose we disagree, slightly, on the "special kind" thing. I think aggressive men, by definition, have that kind of attitude. To them, it doesn't matter if they've gotten a look or signal of interest from a woman they find attractive. They're going to hit on her.
I do agree with you that any man, even a shy one, will be willing to chat up a woman who has clearly signaled that she's interested in him. The key there, though, is clearly.
I am just a woman of probably average attractiveness, maybe less. I don't try very hard, and yet I have really never had a problem getting as much play as I was interested in, since I figured out how to ask for it.
This woman I mentioned previously argues that women of average attractiveness have a much easier time attracting men than do women who are very attractive because men are intimidated by very attractive women. In fact, this is why she claims her two "very attractive" friends "never get asked out", because men are too intimidated by them. I think that's true to some extent -- some guys are going to feel that way about very attractive women and they'll feel more comfortable with a woman who's more average-looking -- but I also feel there's no shortage of aggressive guys who will cheerfully hit on any woman, even very attractive ones.
Roma has the right idea: guys need encouragement often times. If you get off on being pursued, then you might be a little bit out of luck if you are a fat. Or as a grandma I know says "The girl pursues the guy, until he starts to pursue her!".
I know a whole bunch of sexy fat girls who never lack boyfriends, and cute ones too, b/c they act attractive and friendly and put it out there that they want the dude that they want.
Don't be afraid to work for what you want. It may be true that some CAG women may get hit on a lot, but whatevs, wouldn't you rather work for what you want a bit and have some fun?
This doesn't matter though. You either have to be like Orca f*cking huge or have a face that could crack a sink if you can't tart yourself up and get laid on a Friday night. Chicks with any sort of social aptitude know how to do that shit; it's in the handbook.
Think tight lycra and stripper shoes.
See, but that's not your problem. I don't even have to know what you look like and I know it's not your problem. You have a shit attitude. That's your problem, straight up. Only people with shit attitudes would ask a question like that.
You also probably find your own body image disgusting, yet for some reason you don't motivate and fix the problem. Don't even think of it as getting into fuckable shape, think of it as living healthy. That keeps the ordeal from feeling cheap, (Hint: I'm telling you to hit the gym).
Whatever, f*ck you. You're an asshole and you know this. Fix yourself and stop crying on the internet.
You're so right!
I wasn't even thinking about this kind of man, because to me those guys are SO undesirable that I think of them more as an icky obstacle to interacting with people I like than as someone whose interest I could potentially reciprocate.
Various men I have spoken to about the kind of women they are interested in claim to actually not find "CAGs" attractive. Maybe it is a deeply-layered headgame in which they convince themselves that they don't think those women are hot because they are secretly intimidated by them. I don't know. Maybe I just hang out with strange men.
I stand by my earlier thought that the most important part of being attractive is being healthy and happy. That doesn't guarantee that you'll appeal to everyone, but it does improve the chances that you'll appeal to people who are attracted to people kind of like you.
The other thing you might try is approaching CAGs you're interested in & letting them know you're up for a no-strings-attached fling. Many guys will take an offer like that from a woman they might not consider dating at first glance. If you can then totally rock THEIR world and sexually satisfy THEM in ways CAG girls don't, they might then hang around for a bit.
Hitting the gym & losing some weight would probably increase your chances,
but you don't need to be totally skinny to be attractive.
Sexual attractiveness is largely about being (or at least appearing) healthy & energetic,
not about a particular body type.
The most obvious reason to start settling already is that she seems unhappy with the lack of action she’s getting.
Or don't, and keep right on bitching to your friends about how all the hot guys are too shallow to see your inner beauty.. I'll bet they're not at all sick of hearing it.