Seriously, what the fuck, Trader Joe's Joe-Joe's Vanilla Sandwich Creme Cookies? I only wanted one of you. But you are one of those diabolical food products that don't sate hunger but somehow create it, via some Satanic blend of starch and salt and sugar and "creme" (??!!) that traps users in a loop of involuntary gorgery until there is no more. And you come in big fucking packs.

You're nothing but trouble. I have enough friends. Stay out of my life.

(Fun fact: I learned this disgusting lesson while watching this week'sepisode of RuPaul's Drag Race, on which Dan and Sharon Needles were great, and Phi-Phi was a clueless dunce turd of a person. The monstrous Phi-Phi adds too much catty drama to the show to be cut from it too soon, but when the cutting of Phi-Phi happens—and it will happen—it will be so, so sweet.)

Confidential to Jason: It's not pretty.