SL Letter of the Day: Getting Your Girlfriend To Let You Go Down On Her—A Holistic Approach


Amen! The pressure to get off (in any sexual activity) is a total turn-off for me. I finally just developed a speech to deliver at the beginning of sex: "I probably won't get off, I don't need to get off to enjoy sex, if I want to have an orgasm I'll let you know, but if I feel like you're expecting it I'm not going to enjoy this." That helps. As long as you make sure they don't view it as a challenge.
I can see how 69'ing can help overcome the "fear" of oral sex, but generally speaking I've always felt it's highly overrated. It can get too damned to difficult to concentrate, on either the giving or receiving. I'd rather focus my efforts. Plus, half the fun of receiving oral is the decadence of it: laying back and doing nothing except receiving sheer pleasure (and that same focus applies to giving it as well).
Different people have such different experiences... I find it incredibly hard to come in the 69 position... I LOVE it when my guy goes down on me but I do seem to need to focus entirely on the sensations in order to be able to get off... YMMV, obvs
Or, you know, if they guy has a five-o'-clock shadow it can be really uncomfortable.
@4 or the best combination of sensation.

And I agree with 2&3 here. I prefer to focus and enjoy. I'm all for taking turns.
That's insane. There's no way she's ever going to respect you after you go down on her; next thing you know she'll explain to you how much of a beta male you are and that she's leaving you for another woman or some absolutely sociopathic ex-convict. Bonus points if it's a black man.

You have to slap her in the face with it to keep her in her place. And remember, you know what's best for her better than she does; so there's no sense in feeling bad for her or anything crazy like that. If there's anything to pity, it's the fact that she's so much weaker and stupider than you are.
The "decadence" described by #2 is something I've always struggled against when recieving oral. Maybe it's a control issue, but I've never really enjoyed just lying back with my legs spread. I'd just rather be active, and I don't like when all the focus is on my reaction alone -- it's too much pressure.
I'm glad to see a little follow-up, because I really cringed during that call. It sounded like the guy was just being so pushy about it - well-intentioned, enthusiastic, but really pushy - I felt bad for his girlfriend. Bad for him, too, because putting pressure on someone rarely makes them less nervous.
"You're sort of hanging out way up at the top of the bed kind of left to your own devices with not a whole lot to do/see/touch while your guy is hanging out at the bottom of the bed doing his thing."

What, like work on a good fantasy or touch your own nipples?
lol @6
i remember girlfriends of my youth asking why i would want to do that - "it's gross!". and then they had orgasms - sometimes the 1st of their lives. women are sad sometimes.
It's a lot less awkward when you sit on their face.
When giving oral to a woman I like being in the 69 position, easier to finger vag & touch breasts -- my F partners like it too. But *not* getting oral, just giving and using 69 position only for the positioning. However, when 69-ing a guy I sometimes getting oral at the same time. Why can't people realize everyone's different and just talk to their partner(s)?!
As a woman who isn't quite comfortable receiving oral, I've found that a blindfold works for me. It blocks out everything else BUT the sensation, so it helps me to focus on how good it feels and not on worrying if my partner is getting tired/bored/whatever.

I'm a super control freak who likes to dabble as a sub with my partner, so the blindfold represents me giving up control. I think it helps me get into the mindset to enjoy oral.
I was all anxious about not performing my first times, and then once I told my boyfriend to stop because I was just going to fall asleep. He thought this was great and asked permission to keep going while I fell asleep.

I had my first partnered orgasm within minutes.
Hahaha I agree with all of these other comments re the sort of awkwardness of not knowing what to do, and feeling somewhat guilty or worried that your partner is going to get tired/bored doing it.

There's a lot of cultural pressure for women to be submissive and self-effacing -- and not in a healthy, kinky way either.
I can *only* come from oral while lying on my back. My boyfriend loves it when I sit on his face; which I do, but we have to switch positions at the very end for me to get off. If my leg muscles are working, I can't concentrate enough on the good feelings. Ah well.
@11, men are sad sometimes too, and that comment was especially sad. And by sad I mean disappointing. And stupid.

Guys performing oral sex (and using hands) are ways of trying to make the girl cum when they think they are gonna blow their load after the first second or two.

So, it's like cheating. If a female is fully aroused, her clit libs will have descended and be engorged with fluid.

At that point, it's up to the dude to keep it in check as it slides in. A true expectant female will not need oral or hands and will cum on penetration.

However, a female who is not all all interested in the guy, will remain dry and never cum.
Wow, #19, may I suggest basic sex ed?

@12 -- That too.
19, that's the stupidest fucking thing I've read today. Not every woman can orgasm from vaginal penetration, especially vaginal penetration on it's own. Only a relatively small percentage of woman can come from vaginal penetration at all. You clearly know nothing about women or the female body in general. Stupidity like yours gives me a headache.
I couldn't agree more that a lot of the problem is the pressure to enjoy it. I think men see being able to give a girl an orgasm as this great achievement. They get all the credit if you have one but if don't then somehow you've let them down or at very least bruised their ego. Men need to stop thinking it is their responsibility to give women orgasms. Everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. Also, just because it may have worked on one woman doesn't mean it will work on all women. Talk to your partner about what they like and don't like and listen to them.
@19 meh on the last line. I've had orgasms with guys I wasn't interested in; I just wanted the sensations.

I’m not sure what you mean in the sentence “a true…”

But if you meant in your post that oral is a way of reducing the length of time for intercourse, I can say not so much. Usually when I’ve (and aren’t all women Just Like ME?!?) had multiple orgasms from oral, it only makes me want a lot more fucking and it’s pretty disappointing when he finishes so soon after starting the next round.

Of course, that’s when back-ups come in handy.
Regarding the "pressure to cum" thing, I dunno, my take is that I've always thought it was really hot when men are very intent on my having an orgasm.

Rather if it is for their own ego or not, it seems like a win-win.
Aaaaaaaaaaand for the second time today I find myself not at all surprised that Bailo is divorced.
I just plain don't enjoy oral, it isn't always about hang ups or pressure to come, I just don't enjoy the sensations. I don't dislike everything about receiving oral but get near my clit with a tongue and I'm just going to be annoyed because it's not a pleasant sensation for me.
I love this thread. So much to learn.

@12: Yes!

Something that's occasionally flipped the switch for at least one woman I know when she's feeling ambivalent about receiving oral is for her to sit on my face and (with some encouragement from me) verbally order me to lick her pussy. Taking that dominant position and just saying the words somehow seems to have a disinhibiting effect on her.
I 100% agree about the 69ing, or even doing it from any position other than "woman on her back, man below her." That always reminds me of my visits to the obgyn. Try different positions! They're fun. And to the people who say that one problem with 69ing is that you're distracted--that's part of the fun! I love making my husband too distracted to keep going down on me, and I love it when he distracts me enough that I have to stop and just moan for a bit.
I love the 69ing idea. I enjoy oral sex way more if it isn't the "obgyn" position of me on my back, legs spread, other person below me. I love the distraction of 69ing or even of varying the position somewhat--the angle just feels better to me, and the distraction means I don't feel as sensitive. 69ing also turns me on more, meaning I enjoy the oral a lot more. For some people 69ing may be overrated, but I love love love to have my husband on top of me (also, I like having him on top way more than I like being on top). The caller did mention that she might have some sort of medical association--maybe a different position would help divorce the obgyn associations.
@30, some of us (who have very attractive OB/GYNs) really enjoy that position for just that reason.....My husband prefers the 69 with me on top so that he can rim a bit as well.

I am with some of the early posters--I like to take turns so I can focus on the task at hand (at lip? at tongue?) and really work every angle. Then he can recover as I lay back and savor a job well done. But, I also want to be penetrated as soon as I climax, preferrably in midclimax.

Yum. I know what I'm doing tonight.....
@28 Seandr: I don't know, it seems like half the people posting here don't have a clue.

@31: Catballou: How would one switch from giving oral (I assume that's what you're talking about, as it's the topic at hand) to penetrating you (I assume with a penis) in mid climax? Unless your orgasms last an unusually long time, I'm not following that. Of course, if you're talking about having a dildo inserted at exactly the right moment, then I get the picture...and that is also something to think about. Why would that particular sensation do it for you? How forceful does the penetration have to be? Now I'm wondering if my wife would like that.
@26, you ain't kidding. That was some breathtaking stupid, up there.

Actually, with that combination of ignorance and arrogance, I AM kinda surprised that he ever had any more interaction with women than leering at one from afar before running up and screaming "SUCK MY COCK BITCH" right in her face, spittle-aflying, before dashing off to masturbate in the bushes.
#33, 26

Internet Defamation...defined

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#34: Amid some stiff competition, you win the dumbest post award.
It's interesting.. that pressure to enjoy it I think is a sex killer on many fronts, not just oral sex.

Anyway, good points made here. Guys, listen up.

(and yeah, hanging there with the guy going to town can be awkward -- I also like the 69 solution -- don't have to bring off mutually -- take turns but play around a little but you have something to do...)

and @19... /roll of eyes
Oh, that was very satisfying! Heh.
Aww, Bailo, you wound me. I was just remarking how impressed I was by your relative success in life, and here you start getting all legalistic on me! Truly, your mistrust hurts. Deeply.

Nice cut and paste job.... Now with that out of the way I must point out that neither of the statements you posted it about qualify. As they are opinion responses to the post that you made then their first defense, and the only one needed here, is whether they are factual. Since they are stating their opinion the possibility of defamation is there but since they don't actually state that you yourself are as ignorant and arrogant in real life as that post indicates but leave it to the individual reader to make that decision you will have a hard time making a case out of that. Nor do they say you have no experience with women. The only possible factual error in the two posts is whether or not you are divorced. If you are indeed divorced then even that possible error is removed and you don't get the defamation attack on them. Even if you have never been divorced you don't have much of a case since it just means that #26 simply mis-remembered whether or not you have ever said you were divorced. I personally have no idea of whether or not you are divorced so I can't judge that point.

As for the post in question:

It was indeed a very ignorant posting for several reasons and if you truly believe what you typed I would suggest a college level course in Human Sexuality. If you don't believe that then you were just trolling to see what response you would get and deserve every bit of invective that people can come up with hurled at you.

Just one of the things wrong in your post there at #19 has to do with a woman staying dry. Physiological responses like extra lubrication do not require the lady to want the guy she is being penetrated by. As a matter of fact, extra lubrication of the vagina will occur even if the lady in question is in fear for her life. It may or may not be enough lubrication to keep her from getting internal tearing but her body will damn well try to make enough for that.

As for myself, if the post at #19 is indeed the way you think, then I too am amazed that you have had sexual interaction with any human females. If, of course, you have never had sexual interaction with a human female then I am NOT amazed.

Feel free to call your lawyer. I am not the least bit worried about being sued for defamation as I have neither libeled you personally nor have I slandered you. Enjoy.
My girlfriend doesn't like me going down on her because she doesn't like oral. Maybe the girl in the podcast just doesn't like oral either.
In defense of 19 (as much as that pains me):

My first partnered orgasms I managed during penetration, in missionary position. I think the reason was that I could best relax in that position and focus on the sensations.

It took me some years to reach the same focus when I was on top or during oral.

Other than that: I like 69, but I get too distracted.
@32: it seems like half the people posting here don't have a clue.

Who gives a shit about that half? The half I'm interested in are the women sharing their thoughts and experiences of having their clits licked. As someone who loves burying my face between a woman's legs, the rest of the posts kind of fade into the background.
I can orgasm from oral, but it takes a looong time and I get really anxious imagining that the guy is getting bored/tired or just starting to resent it. So that's kind of a mood killer.
Also, it takes so much time and effort to get me there that I don't always feel like it's worth it. I mean, sometimes it's great, but sometimes I just want something quicker, you know?
And finally, as others have mentioned here, there's a huge pressure to have an orgasm, and if you don't then the guy is usually disappointed or even annoyed. No fun.

Let's face it...once again, I'm right.

The entire sex therapy industry from the 80s on is completely wrong.

Women have been turned into man haters who can never be satisfied according the Sex Experts.

The point of the Agenda is to get heterosexual males to become self-loathing through feelings of inadequacy. The way it destroys society is by setting unattainable goals but transforming females and males with incompatible mindsets...creating strife in the community.

So, women have to be "driven" to orgasm with unimaginable foreplay and Olympic style poundings lasting hours.

In reality, simple experience will lead us to know that a healthy female is just as responsible for the orgasm...more so...than the male. If interested in the man, she will be primed and ready for orgasm on penetration.

In fact, contrary to all the literature and browbeating of the last 40 years (designed to make heterosexual males feel inadequate) often time, it is the female who will "cum too fast". This is another reason not to use oral or other non vaginal methods.

The human female vagina is a complex organ which has not been given the proper respect as it should and also responsibility for the sexual experience. Many "liberated" people put all the emphasis on the penis as the active organ and the vagina as something that has to be "pleasured". Nothing could be further from the truth of the heterosexual experience.

Can I interject with the mandatory Monty Python reference? Perhaps the TSARY can work it into a podcast sometime.

Come on, now you've really pissed me off. And I am someone who can come from penetration.
@45 Oh dear , Supreme Fool (sorry, 'ruler') of the Universe. Firstly, research has shown, time and time again, that almost 80% of women fake orgasms on a frequent basis. Why? Guys expect them to cum from mere penetration.
Furthermore, 'Olympic Style Poundings Lasting Hours'? Erk. Hands up ladies who likes that? To each their own, and there will be some. But few. That's why they fake (for the record, communication is a much better strategy than faking).
As for 'women being turned into Man Haters who Can Never Be Satisfied'.
I'm truly sorry that that is your experience. But I can also see why it is, given your volatile post. If you are a frequent reader of Savage you will find that there are in fact countless satisfied women on here who love many men! (me included).
But yeah, we ain't, generally, too fond of guys like you who think we're all man haters who want olympic style poundings.
@46. HA! Thank you for that, restlessnative. I had never seen that sketch before. (My kids heard me laughing and came in from the other room to find out what I was laughing at.)

@45 You are a pompous fool. You gonna sue me now?
The only conclusion I have come to is that Supreme is just trolling; "livening" up this forum with drivel because a lot of us are pretty open about sex and willing to admit that The Almighty Cock just doesn't always do it for us.

Or maybe he is actually deeply hurt that his member isn't adequate. Real men do other things to please a woman, which makes them AWESOME. Weak men make excuses about how women are at fault for their dicks being, well, *yawn* to many of us.

A good looking dick is always a welcome sight/feeling to me psychologically, but my body responds mostly to vibrations and tongues and fingers. Don't take it personally, Supreme. You can still be useful to a woman, if you fundamentally change everything you think about sex and females in general.
@45 Troll
Oh, but I do agree with Supreme on one thing: the woman is more than half responsible for her orgasms. (Well, not just the woman either--if a man has specific orgasm needs, it's his responsibility to make it known too.) You have to know what you like and ask for it nicely from a guy whose willing to go for it! Nobody should expect their partner to magically know how to make them come. Supreme is a prime example of what a lot of them think "should do it," but even more pathetically, seems unwilling to accept that his ideas about what should do it are quite false. It's up to us to gently show them they might be wrong, and up to them to accept suggestions gracefully.

Also, nobody's into "Olympic style pounding." Me thinks you are a peruser of too much pornography.
My college BF had the most amazing little trick for giving oral. I thought I wouldn't be in to it, but I was wrong. Gents/boys: Have your woman wear silk panties, then, before they come off, use your hot breath between her legs. This sensation alone is insane...where you go from there is up to you, but the hot breath on silk panties is awesome!
I love oral sex, but in order to relax and thoroughly enjoy I must be clean, clean, clean. I would bet that most women feel the same way and I wonder if this issue holds some of them back from letting go. Sometimes it isn't always convenient to shower. I am very fortunate and grateful to have a bidet.
@32 (excuse the personal experience), you've got about 10 seconds to work with there...use them wisely.

And, well, I'm off the dishes...erm.
@ 55 Agreed! No one likes a stinky Ba-Jang. If you don't have a bidet, bathing in rosewater is good. I like Kiehl's Roswater & Glycerin.
Hey now. I think SRotU has a point there.

Clearly his feelings of sexual inadequacy are the result of a shadowy conspiracy to destroy society by a massive program of fraudulent scholarship and general emmasculation.

That seems the simplest answer to me, anyhow.
Yep, Supreme above is indeed emasculated. Good work, international anti-male conspiracy!

Leaving him aside, though, it is indeed interesting how expectations can indeed kill the mood. I've been with girls who are just like the LW and who don't enjoy cunnilingus precisely because they think they should, or their partners were too 'into it'. There's something in the culture about cunnilingus always being a quick and easy path to orgasm, and many people buy into that; I did, the first time I tried it myself; luckily, the woman I lost my virginity to was quite sensitive and loved it. The woman after that, however... wasn't, and I was left wondering with that puzzled face you often see in sitcoms, 'but this was supposed to make you come!... my first girlfriend loved it!...'

Leaving aside the question of whether or not people should always enjoy oral sex (is it only because of psychology that some don't?), it is clearly a mistake to come to sex with lots of expectations, with fantasy scenarios that you think are going to 'unfold naturally' because 'everybody agrees'. Somehow, we're so serious about sex!... If we have a more laid-back, relaxed attitude, without insisting on recipes (Supreme's "hours of non-stop pounding" is really comical) but actually finding out what works and what doesn't on a case-by-case basis, while seeing the comical aspect of our own mistakes or preferences or... rather than making a big drama about it, I get the impression our average sex lives would improve significantly.
Supreme makes me grateful I'm a lesbian.
The more I read, the more I think there are a lot more oral-indifferent women out there than we might realize.
I love sex - in a variety of interesting, challenging, amusing, sometimes scary ways - and I love the way my body feels and responds, but I never have enjoyed having a guy go down on me. I suppose it's a combination of factors; the passive, "dead bug" position (what do I do with my hands? Crochet? How long can I play with somebody's hair?), the lack of visuals...

And frankly, I also just find it more often than not a bit, erm, sloppy, you know? Then the air hits the process and you have cold and slimy to work with. Put that all together with the fact that I'm basically missing the person I went to bed with. I mean I know he's there, but functionally it's like I'm having sex with a tribble...

I forgot how long ago it was that SLOG had a discussion (mainly women contributing) on how many women felt discouraged that their guys were not really into cunnilingus [perhaps EricaP, Seandr or Mr J can remember when that was]. Now, we're getting exactly the opposite; a lot of women voicing that their guys are too into it. No wonder Dan poo pooed the whole topic before.

Yeah, it's all about communication, trust, experimentation and patience...but COME ON!
@60 I think I might head that way myself, given how he's talking.
And... @61: Things to play with--your nipples, your breasts, his hands, his hair, the sheets of the bed--I mean, fuck--you could move one finger in and out of the other fist if that does it for you--there's no Emily Post of Oral Sex Manners.
As for visuals, you have an infinite amount to see on the inside of your own eyelids. Use your imagination. Or prop up a pillow under your head and watch him. Or turn on your favorite porno.
And if the position's awkward, stand up against a wall. Have him prop you up on the washing machine so you can get a better view. Sit on his fucking face--this way you can add his cock to the list of things you can put your hands on.
And if you feel disconnected from him, start talking. Moan. Tell him what you like--what you don't like. More pressure. Less pressure. Faster. Slower. Take hold of his hand and squeeze it hard. Writhe. Call out his name. Have him mumble something sexy back.

If you like the way it feels, make it work for you. This is the one part of sex that women get to completely own--don't let bashfulness or inhibition or awkwardness take that away from you.
@19 "If a female is fully aroused, her clit libs will have descended and be engorged with fluid." Fluid? FLUID? Eew... lol... eew. Your way with words is... something special.

I didn't hear the original call but maybe (in addition to other suggestions upthread) if she's comfortable masturbating with him he could start by assisting her and go from there. As in, she uses fingers on her clit while he fingers her pussy, or he could take over using a vibrator on her while she... does whatever else she does. And gradually grow that into oral. She might not like slimy spit on her junk, ever. Giving head can be about bitey kisses on her inner thighs or her belly while he fingers her or uses toys on her. Totally hot.

Or she may find the silence awkward, if they normally talk dirty during sex. Maybe she'd like it if he took a break and said a few words throughout.

It's cool that lots of guys are enthusiastic about giving head b/c they love causing female pleasure. But it's a little irritating that female pleasure during sex is gradually being compartmentalized into receiving oral. As in, sometimes women are pressured to enjoy oral as synonymous with female sexual liberation. Which is annoying because not everyone enjoys oral.
Make no mistake about it: oral is amazing, dazzling, totally worth it, shockingly pleasurable. My orgasms last for minutes at a time if I get one that way. I will do just about anything to have even a chance of receiving oral. If we can relax and take the time it takes me to get there, and if I trust you, you can expect me to be your willing lover all night, every night. Seriously. You want to be woken up with a blowjob in the morning? Every morning? No problem.

It's on in 5 minutes on ThisTV:

@66, Sarah in Olympia; Same Here.
@32 Approach,

I prefer kneeling on the floor with my wife lying with her legs off the bed (feet on my shoulders, on my upper arms...) when we do oral. It frees up my hands and gives my upper body a lot more free motion, and since the bed is higher off the ground than most, when she wants me to penetrate all I need to do is stand, pull her bottom to the edge, and go. For lower beds (on vacation; again kneeling on the floor) I stand and can help her roll to her knees for doggy style. 10 seconds sounds about right, but rushing and not getting set up right can ruin everything.

@62(Approaching 40), considering how different people can be from each other, I don't find this surprising. Is there any topic at all in sex that couldn't be used to start a comment thread on 'how wonderful it is' followed by one about 'how boring it is'? :-)

What I'm curious about is whether the reason why some women (or some men) don't like cunnilingus (or blowjobs) is psychological, or physiological. So, if you're with a partner who doesn't like oral sex from you, should you insist (because 'once it works it will be wonderful') or should you just give it up (because it just will never work, so why bother)?

It's ultimately the same question for all kinds of tastes, I suppose. Should we ever try to show someone why something s/he doesn't particularly like is actually quite likeable? Should we keep trying at least a few times, or give it up quickly? (I tend to think that, unless there is interest in trying on the part of the other person, insisting on how likeable something is really doesn't work; no matter how gently it is done, it ultimately ends up just being another way of putting pressure.)
@69 addendum,

Sometimes when I want to hear her get insistent (our high bed, after she comes from oral and asks me to penetrate and I stand) I can prolong her "top flight" a little by taking the length of my penis and rubbing it the length of her pussy.  If I'm lucky she reaches down and cups her hand to press us together, until I can't stand it anymore, and/or she'll gently guide me into her.  

The way she can bellow and groan while this is happening usually limits that kind of activity to when we can get rid of the kids for a while.  Since I'm, if anything, even louder...

@32 - I dunno - most of the women I've been with get waaay to sensitive right at the peak of orgasm for a huge new form of stimulation - it becomes very uncomfortable. Two prior exes didn't want anything else for...a while. Current GF definitely loves the oral, but also needs a short breather, though the pump is now primed for good Os from penetration.

@54 - TYVM for the tip. Nice pooch.

um.... i assumed that #19 was a joke. yes? i don't think we need to take it seriously, they're obviously just fucking with you.

i have found oral difficult to deal with at times, for various reasons. most often it's that "left alone at the top of the bed" which leads to isolation and then switching off. i think that oral can be fabulous, but is best with at least three in the bed: one going down, and one to kiss/cuddle/hold you if it gets shattering. it's a very vulnerable position to be in, and the recipient may need to have reassurance and safety in order to enjoy it.

oral in a circle of three works well logistically. easier than a 69.
I'm of the "canned ham" perspective. I love watching myself masturbate in a mirror, but can't figure out why anyone else would wanna put his face there. Glad he does. And with my mono-partner of almost 20 years, things ramped up for the better when I decided to go the full monte and I didn't have to think of him wading through my bush to get to my canned ham. So I shave everything diligently, shower as a come-on (he knows what a pre-bed shower means), and I reap the awesome cunilingus benefits. Never felt abandoned at the top while lying on my back, so can't speak to that. Also I too prefer the quick switch from oral to penetrative fucking. It takes just a moment to pull into me and pound away (love the pounding, really do), though I would get bored if it was hours. So to each her own.

And to all of you anti-shavers: I am far too voluptuous to look childlike, and my porn-watching husband can imagine he's actually in porn. This is all good. Really good.
I am very sensitive and orgasm easily; oral is in a very uncool place between "tickling" and "hurt." Fingers, cock, a pillow: yes. Mouth: yuck.
I always thought there was something wrong with me since I've never enjoyed receiving oral. It's supposed to be this amazing expression of female sexual liberation. So I've tried time and again to try and see what all the fuss is about. People would tell me I must have some sort of psychological hangup about my pussy or that I'm afraid to let someone pleasure me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I will happily lay back and let my partner give me an orgasm with his hands or a toy or whatever else. And I masturbate just about everyday so I'm not averse to pleasure. The fact is I just hate tongues. They're slimy and squishy and ugly and having one all over me just turns me off. Plus I prefer the feeling of my own vaginal juices without a bunch of saliva mixed in. I'm usually not a squeamish person, but being licked is just not a pleasurable feeling for me.

@64 Cunnilingus is not the "one part of sex that women get to completely own." When I hand my partner my favorite toy and tell him to make me come, am I not owning that? Or when I ask my partner to help me fulfill my most recent kinky fantasy, am I not taking charge of my sexuality? Women are allowed to enjoy or not enjoy different things and holding up one sex act as the ultimate expression of female sexuality is not really helpful, especially when everyone's tastes are so different.
@32, different stimulations produce different types of orgasm for me. Oral orgasms are intense and lengthy, and I want something inside to contract around --it usually sends me into another prolonged orgasm. A dildo isn't going to do it for me at that point. @69 definitely has the right approach.
I just don't enjoy 69ing that much. Due to my severe ADD, the level of distraction means that not only do I not get to concentrate on feeling my own pleasure, but I'm not putting my best efforts on for my partner. I mean, it can be fun and all, but I usually just end up with a crick in my neck and a vague sense of frustration. I love oral sex (giving and receiving), but 69ing is just unnecessarily complicated for me.
Seandr, I've got to say that I think the thread got much better after a lot of the garbage spewed at the beginning...

@Catballou, Ms. D and Married in MA: Ten seconds is not much time to work with there, but I like Married's approach. I can also relate to the comments about having kids in the house.

@72 AFinch: I'm sort of with you there, as the orgasmic women I've been with have typically had ten second, spasming orgasms followed by short refractory periods where they are extremely sensitive. My wife's refractory period after oral is probably about a minute, where I have to shift focus off the clit and on to other regions. Once the minute is over, I can go back to the clit.

@78: JrzWrld: Same here. I have never been that much into 69ing, as it always made me feel just as you said. Also, the "upside down" tongue-to-vagina position doesn't seem to work for me as well as the traditional approach and I can't focus enough to do a good job on my part with a partner giving me attention.

Finally, for all the women who have stated that oral does nothing for them: I'm sincerely sorry to hear that, as most quality lovers out there probably love giving it. There are a lot of us out there who could easily spend half an hour giving (gentle, forceful, playful) attention to a clean, beautiful pussy.
There are men who don' care much for blowjobs, so why shouldn't there be women who don't like oral?

But since there are quite a few women here who feel abandoned all alone on top of the bed while their men are down at the bottom: are there any men who feel abandoned during a blowjob? Just curious.
@80 If Mr. P is lying in bed, then I'm often perpendicular to his body, and he can see me and reach most parts of me. Not sure how well the side approach would work for cunnilingus.
I agree.
I'm with #2 - 69 is multitasking at a time when you can be enjoying. Way overrated. I wasn't much into oral either until I met a man who really knew what he was doing. (Btw, I'm not just accusing men of this - I am sure there are many guys who could say the same about women and blowjobs.)

Sometimes all it takes is time and maturity (on both parties' ends). But 69 is RARELY the answer to that kind of situation.
@79 - Current partner has >10s orgasms - often ~1m - but really needs a couple of minutes before ANY further stimulation is desired. Like, "Freeze...DON'T MOVE". I get it as once I've passed a certain point with oral or a hand job, I don't want further stimulation - at least near my glans. My previous partner was kind of...weird..she had an almost male-like refractory, she had to go last, 'cause that was it - full stop. That definitely was a real switch. more ways than one...I gave up and faked mine so it could be "simultaneous".
@84 AFinch,

I must admit I'm a little jealous of women because their sex organ is made up of so many muscles and intricate interactions. Men get a blood filled balloon (which is a hell of a lot more delicate than muscles designed to hold your abdomen together, and pass out a baby). It also means those separate subparts all have some degree of different sensation.

When we are in doggy style position (#69 above), I help steady her with hands on hips, gently go as deep as I can and gently rock her pelvis around in a circular motion. Bringing all of the muscles in the pelvic region into play, but gently, feels great for me and seems like a plateau point following my wife's orgasm. It isn't quite "don't move", but it is a "catch my breath, I feel shaky" move. I love the tender phase back massage, and maybe light tickling on the sides of her ribcage; it feels like we're a lot more in synch when we go on to the next noisy phase if we draw things out.

@85 - I'll give that a try...might be the ticket. Thanks!
Does this or does it not all boil down to better communication skills, and maybe taking personal responsibility for our own pleasure?

The first blowjob I ever received still stands out as the worst sex act I've ever participated in.

Discomfort. Pain. No pleasurable sensations. Wishing it would end. Feeling like something was wrong with me, because: Guys Love Blowjobs. And she asked me if she could do it, and seemed to be enjoying herself, so maybe if I Just. Get. Through. This.
Did I say anything -- either to make it stop or make it better? Of course not ... that would have been far too functional.

Later on, after communication happened, things did get better.

I wince a little every time I see something along the lines of "... give him/her an orgasm before you have yours ..." Not because it's bad advice, but because it implies the 'norm' for the recipient to be a level passivity that I think most of us would think is not healthy (except when it is ... i.e., we've discussed it and you/I want to be a completely passive partner in this).

Have I mentioned anything about personal responsibility for our own pleasure yet? How about now?
@80(migrationist), quite frankly, I do. I can enjoy blowjobs, but it takes some time, and for some reason the gentle stimulation that mouths provide is not the best kind; so, at least in the initial stages, I sometimes feel my mind wondering away, and it has happened once or twice (much to the surprise of my partner) that I partially lost my erection while she was working on it.

It's a question, though, whether this is something about me physiologically (I don't care much for penetration either, which is so many men's favorite kind of sex), or psychologically (i.e., could I simply learn to enjoy it a lot more than I do?). I ask the same question about women, also, but basically because I'm curious. Of course everybody is entitled to their own tastes, and there's no reason why anyone, male or female, should 'have' to like this or that specific act.
@66, 68
"I will do just about anything to have even a chance of receiving oral."

Sigh. Hyperbole, no doubt, yet still heartbreaking.
I don't feel abandoned. I just don't care for them that much. I like it at first for "the act" of it if that makes sense, but then I want to move on to things that feel a lot better and things that I enjoy doing more.
@89, not so much hyperbole. I was a high libido woman with a low libido husband. Until the divorce. Whew. Things are better now.
"People would tell me I must have some sort of psychological hangup about my pussy or that I'm afraid to let someone pleasure me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I will happily lay back and let my partner give me an orgasm with his hands or a toy or whatever else. And I masturbate just about everyday so I'm not averse to pleasure. The fact is I just hate tongues. They're slimy and squishy and ugly and having one all over me just turns me off. Plus I prefer the feeling of my own vaginal juices without a bunch of saliva mixed in. I'm usually not a squeamish person, but being licked is just not a pleasurable feeling for me."

Yep. Basically.
Except that hating tongues part. I don't hate tongues. I just don't think they are the Be-All, end-all answer to what all pussies need. And unfortunately cunnilingus has gotten so crazy-hyped that now there *is* this unstated expectation that I Will and Must love it, therefore he Will and Must stay the fuck down there until I orgasm.
(No performance pressure there, nooo Sir.)

And if I wanted to lay back and close my eyes, fantasize about what I can't see while playing with my own nipples (Really? Pawing the sheets as a sex act?) then once again, not sure where this is any better or worse than masturbating. And I do love myself to death regularly, look forward to it with a greedy smile, but that's *not* what I'd want to be doing with my sex partner - a partner that I came to the bed with so that I can see him and touch him, taste him. ALL of him, not just the top of his dee-diddly-damn head. No, wait ,actually, I'd enthusiastically take mutual masturbation *over* him going down on me. Big time. Show me, Boy!

It's not a sign of diminished imagination, or sexual inhibition, or internalized misogyny for a woman to dislike getting her pussy licked. It's just different people liking (and disliking) different things in bed.
girls: try wearing blindfold, earplugs (sensory deprivation x2, hey hey!), and smoke some grass. guys: while giving oral why not work her caboose simultaneously? i don't know if this is a winning combination, just ideas
@ Mr J, I was Same Here-ing to Sarah in Olympia's comment

''Make no mistake about it: oral is amazing, dazzling, totally worth it, shockingly pleasurable. My orgasms last for minutes at a time if I get one that way ''.

It's no hyperbole, for me, but to each their own.

As for 'doing anything for it', as Sarah said, hey, more power to her :) Can't say that would be the case for me, for practicality reasons more than anything......
@94 SexEd
I got what you meant. I envy your ability to experience that and it's my favorite bedtime activity. No matter, though, I'm in forced retirement. My lament was in reference to the fact that I love to pitch and she loves to catch but there is no way to get together (well, there are airplanes obviously, but people just don't do that sort of thing).
Hey, speaking of bidets - now there's a great double duty sex toy. Adjustable water pressure and some great orgasms!
@93: I suspect that if the issue is worries of uncleanliness, then "working her caboose" will intensify the problem.