Terrible Sex Tips for Men

Comments

1
19% are okay with surprise anal? Is the margin of error 15%?
2
Would only a gay guy know that pearls are somewhat porous and you shouldn't put any kind of goop on them, "lightly" or otherwise?

One of those silly rags is gonna get sued by a woman whose teenaged son ruined her Tiffany strand.
3
24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”


Besides the absurdity of this (which the compiler ridicules), trotters? TROTTERS?? Fucking hell.
4
@3,

I guess a brief foot massage is too much to ask?
5
"Team Surprise Anal" would be a great name for a prison gang.
6
It seems that most of those recommendations are how to make *him* happier during sex. (instead of using his hands on her feet, tell her to use her feet on his dick, among others/most)

The advice for women was about making it better for him.

Fuck that.
7
Allyn, a foot massage with your dick, no good?
8
Attempting anal without asking is an asshole move.
9
@8: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
10
@7 I don't have one.

If he wants to jack off on her feet, fine. If he wants her to jack him off with her feet, fine. But it's about and for him, not *her*.

Wanna make it for her? Use fingers. There are nine more points at the ends of your arms than in your groin. And they're more likely to get her [/me] in the mood.
11
"31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."
Did you know that ladies love chocolate? "

I tried this once with thick yogurt, it sounds better on paper. With a Nutella it would be even worse.
12
@11 I'm just thinking of all the stray hair left in the jar.
13
Allyn, I was kidding. The suggestion that she'd like a foot massage so why not have her massage your dick with her feet was just too funny to resist.

I thought these two were also hilarious:

26. “[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.”
She might also get mattress burn on her face. Who even knew that vaginas had barrels?

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?
14
@13 I thought #26 was funny, too, esp: vaginal barrel.

The suggestions from Cosmo came from hungry writers. These suggestions come from clueless guys.
15
A nipple massage from a bedspread? Yeah, she's going to love that.
16
"So there I was staring down the barrel of a vagina wondering whether my life had any meaning. Did I really exist? Would anyone miss me if I just pulled the trigger..." Opening line of an exciting new Republican political thriller. I imagine it like "Inception"...except about vaginas. Or something..oh God, I need to be done work now...

17
That 'vaginal barrel' has not made it to a Harukami sex scene is frankly just stunning.
18
Between vaginal barrels and team surprise anal, my vocabulary is expanding by the minute. Thanks Slog!!
19
The shirt front: Team Surprise Anal
The shirt back: We'll get you in the end!
20
Lick a chick's palm to check her arousal...WTF?
21
as a vagino-american, i do not approve these sex tips.
22
@16 that is funny.

@5, see the difference?

23
@18, mutant sperm, sweetness receptors, rope-a-dope cunnilingus, and the mop.

“If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate.”

."Sweeten the deal. Eat a strawberry before making out. The sugar activates the sweetness receptors in your mouth."

"Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!" Apparently?
24
Those *are* some terrible sex tips for men. For one thing, the more a man focuses on his own pleasure in bed, the less I'm going to let him be in mine.
25
Team Surprise Anal - I'd love to see how Muriel Spark would have worked that into fiction.
26
@22 I was going to add more...something about how the character ended up in such a grim situation; drinking, snorting lines of vagina (also known as riding the V-Train), getting slapped by Sally for licking her palm..."God! What a bitch.." But then I realized it was time to go home...

(Any chance a novel where random words are replaced with "vagina" would be wildly successful? Because if so...)
27
We are the 19%!
28
1. "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't.”

Or... bring condoms? Maybe?
29
There was a similar article on cracked.com a while ago:

http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex…
30
Actually know a guy who did surprise anal by accident. Vy inexperienced, first time going doggy-style, and didn't realize it was going in the wrong place. Afterward, his gf was disappointed that it wasn't on purpose.

She is now a junior executive at a major health insurance company. Make of that what you will.
31
" Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

'Cause the ladies, they love it when you stick your cock in their breakfast.
32
@30
Well, that is pretty much how I think of the insurance industry.
33
@30 I find that story very hard to believe. You can't just shove a dick in an anus, it's far too tight. What sort of goatse-esque, gaping maw did she have back there that she could take a dick without any prep? (Or was there prep and he didn't notice that he was fingering/lubing a butthole?)
34
Dude, yeah. It's always about sexually pleasing a man with Cosmo. And it's always about just like, dumb sensations (pearls on his dick! an altoid in your vadge for him to enjoy! put his cock in your armpit!) and not about personal fantasies or any intimate knowledge of the kind of sex your partner prefers. It's stupid how many tips there are, considering that pleasing my man is literally the easiest thing I do on a regular basis.

Aren't guys generally stoked with regular vaginal access and an enthusiastic, open partner? I cracked that code when I was a teenager.
35
Thanks for the laughs, posters. Hilarious comments, including the T-shirt proposals...These writers are really clueless. Each and every one of those tips screams "egostical", "asshole" and "jerk" to me.

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

Because it's well known that everybody just loves to waddle in human juices from a total stranger. Why not wet-kiss and lick her entire face as well ? Picture a woman before the lick of death : " Oh, yes, I'm putting that in my bed !". And after : "Eww, gross, what a disgusting creep ! So glad we're in a public place, now where's the exit ?"

Whatever became of, you know, words ? Softly whispered in the ear ?

24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”

Because, since I'm not yet in the mood for sex, I will no doubt be enthusiastic about you asking me to have close contact with your genital area - an activity that what I would define as... sex. Right.

"31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

No way. Be rewarded by a scream of "you stupid idiot, couldn't you at least have not ruined the entire jar for this stunt of yours ? Spoon, you know ? You a caveman or what ? And hit the shower you tool, I'm not hungry and I don't want a yeast infection !"
36
" To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."

Is it just me or is the idea of COLD FEET against your genitals somewhat uncomfortable? I get complaints for putting my COLD FEET on his legs for goodness sakes.
37
@35: The first time I read Maxim, wondering what the fuss was about (and maybe a pretty front cover might have had something to do with it), I was utterly horrified by the articles. I was continually asking myself "What, was this written by cynical, misandric feminists or something?" It *totally* looked like they were going out of their way to mock the collective male intelligence. Openly and loudly.

I was disappointed to find out that wasn't the case.
38
"If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."


If some stranger licks my hand in public, wiping it off would be the nicest of my possible responses. That is a tip likely to get some guy hurt or arrested.
39
Thanks for this thread - I laughed so hard I'm sure my stomach will hurt tomorrow.

And @37, nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the "men's magazine" market.
40
I tried facial intercourse once. I was 13 and it was the first time I french-kissed a boy. Fortunately I got better at it.
41
Anyone who tried that "rope-a-dope" strategy on me would be put out to pasture with the other Crap Lovers Who Did Not Ask. Here's a thought for making sex better: Talk to your partner about what they do and do not like. Try to remember those things.

Not all women like direct clitoral stimulation. Some women hate nipple stimulation. It's really best to ask, to pay attention to things that either cause moans of pleasure or sudden flinches, and remember which was which.
42
You mean there are guys who actually READ the articles in Maxim?
43
While I generally agree with asking, Geni, there are times I flinch in unexpected pleasure. Flinching is a guttural reaction. I'd say flinching + pulling away is a clear no, as is an "ow," while moans are always good. Otherwise, do what you say and ASK.
44
"81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.

Jesus fuck: where I'm from, we call sex without consent "rape". Don't fuck someone in any hole without asking first - simple.
45
@37: Misandrists, by definition, are not feminists, as they do not believe in equality (while the definition of 'equality' varies between theoretical perspectives and individuals, it is the fundamental principle behind ANY version of feminism; hatred is not supportive of equality). Please do not reinforce the straw feminist used to marginalize challenges to patriarchy by both latent and overt misogynists.
46
The part about the brazillian is actually accurate though.