I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan
My boyfriend and I have been monogamous for three years. We enjoy different kinds of sex, and our toy collection is extensive. A couple of months ago, he brought up the fact that he has fantasized about me with other men. The term is cuckolding, right? I find the idea intriguing. After all, it's a free pass to have sex with another man! Questions: Are there any rules? And if I have sex with another man... does that mean I have to let him have sex with another woman? Any advice about "open" relationships would be GREATLY appreciated.
New Experience Really Valuable Or Ultimate Screwup?
My response after the jump...
"It's interesting that when your boyfriend shared his fantasy with you, you jumped right to the term 'cuckolding,'" says Tristan Taormino, columnist, pornographer, and author of the new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. "By definition, a cuckold is a married man whose wife cheats on him behind his back. A cuckold fetishist, on the other hand, not only knows about his wife's dalliances, but often enjoys the humiliation of being forced to watch."
Only your boyfriend knows for sure if it's cuckolding he wants, NERVOUS, and you'll have to ask him. There are no assumptions in successful open relationships—and no "free passes" either.
"Nothing about responsible nonmonogamy involves a free pass of any sort," says Taormino. "It's absolutely possible for you to transform your monogamous relationship into one that's nonmonogamous. But you need to sit down and hash out the details, including what's okay and what's not." As for him sleeping with other women, it may well be that your boyfriend wants to give you permission to sleep with others without being able to sleep with others himself; that kind of power imbalance is a huge turn-on for most cuckolds. Again, you'll have to talk to him.