So: We're sitting in our regularly scheduled editorial meeting where we enjoy high-minded conversations about new art openings and the nuances of pot legislation while patting ourselves on the back and obsessively polishing our hipster glasses, when all of a sudden someone brings up how great pumpkin seeds are.

Because they are. Fucking great. Roasted, salted, curried, garlicked to hell and back. Fucking delicious.

Only some people sitting around me got this look on their faces—that puckered asshole look—and started arguing that pumpkin seeds aren't all that fucking great because "there's not that much protein in them" and "they make your teeth hurt." Yeah, if your teeth are made of gummy bears instead of the hardest bone* in your body, like most people.

And I thought: "Who are these gummy-toothed assholes that surround me? Assholes who moan about pumpkin protein while stuffing Mound Bars end over end in their yawning cakeholes? Where's my face hammer???"

More importantly, are they alone? And so, good people of Slog, I ask you:

*Okay, teeth are not bones—they're stronger than bones. Whatever. Shuttup.