A recent arrival in the I, Anonymous mailbag:

Dear Smokers-Talking-About-Smoking,

We met again this week, and again you blew so much smoke up my ass my farts will keep me fixed until we meet again next week. You’re a specific kind of smoker. For the most part you’re not addicted, yet your belt is full of notches for every time you’ve tried to “quit.” You bond over hackneyed chronicles of falling victim to the service industry’s oppressive policy to only grant breaks to those who return to work reeking of teenage rebellion; or to the imposing pressure of the smoking habits of your roommates in that one house that one year when you finally discovered that you could own your body, and thus your independence (aka adulthood), by being fucking shitty to it. Every conversation starts the same: “I want a fucking cigarette.” One person then casually agrees before another declares that that sounds great, but alas, he or she is trying to “quit.” Then a tried-and-true dialog ensues in which all involved bond over how lame smoking really is. Brands are compared, someone comments on the health consequences, but most importantly they all agree that smoking isn’t even cool. And then of course the person trying to quit remarks on how nice a cigarette sounds after that thoughtful conversation. Queue GROUP LAUGH HAHA I KNOW IT’S SO BAD! But really, shut your fucking smokeholes you sheep. You DO think it’s cool. You so transparently think smoking is cool that you WON’T FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT SMOKING! Or maybe you’re just looking for affirmation that your neo-hypocritical “I’m cool because I begrudgingly do something that isn’t cool” stance is still cool to someone. I realize you think you’re making a decision free of influence, and that’s the real appeal of being an adult… it’s also the single biggest and most lasting success of tobacco marketing (RIP). If you’re going to smoke, smoke because you like it (or even because you’re addicted, I guess) – not because it’s a badge of honor you think you’ll carry through adulthood. Be yourself either way, but I hope I don’t see any of you insufferable pawns at next week’s smoke breaks.