A recent arrival in the I, Anonymous mailbag:
Dear Smokers-Talking-About-Smoking,
We met again this week, and again you blew so much smoke up my ass my farts will keep me fixed until we meet again next week. Youâre a specific kind of smoker. For the most part youâre not addicted, yet your belt is full of notches for every time youâve tried to âquit.â You bond over hackneyed chronicles of falling victim to the service industryâs oppressive policy to only grant breaks to those who return to work reeking of teenage rebellion; or to the imposing pressure of the smoking habits of your roommates in that one house that one year when you finally discovered that you could own your body, and thus your independence (aka adulthood), by being fucking shitty to it. Every conversation starts the same: âI want a fucking cigarette.â One person then casually agrees before another declares that that sounds great, but alas, he or she is trying to âquit.â Then a tried-and-true dialog ensues in which all involved bond over how lame smoking really is. Brands are compared, someone comments on the health consequences, but most importantly they all agree that smoking isnât even cool. And then of course the person trying to quit remarks on how nice a cigarette sounds after that thoughtful conversation. Queue GROUP LAUGH HAHA I KNOW ITâS SO BAD! But really, shut your fucking smokeholes you sheep. You DO think itâs cool. You so transparently think smoking is cool that you WONâT FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT SMOKING! Or maybe youâre just looking for affirmation that your neo-hypocritical âIâm cool because I begrudgingly do something that isnât coolâ stance is still cool to someone. I realize you think youâre making a decision free of influence, and thatâs the real appeal of being an adult⊠itâs also the single biggest and most lasting success of tobacco marketing (RIP). If youâre going to smoke, smoke because you like it (or even because youâre addicted, I guess) â not because itâs a badge of honor you think youâll carry through adulthood. Be yourself either way, but I hope I donât see any of you insufferable pawns at next weekâs smoke breaks.