SL Letter of the Day: The Big Finish

Comments

1
Maybe he's taking medication with a side effect of anorgasmia. Happens to me.
2
I wonder how tired Dan is of reading a whole paragraph about how amazing everyone's sex life is right before they tell him all the problems with it?
3
How do you use restraints, even "mild" restraints, without talking it out first?
4
As a straight male, I will admit having faked orgasm before. This is advice I wish I had heard years ago - PIV leading to male orgasm is not the ONLY definition of sex. Enjoy what you have, when you have it. Thanks, Dan!
5
GIRL: it just happens. Relax about it.
7
If they're using a condom, men can (and do) fake orgasm as easily as women do. And often for the same reason: wanting to move on to something else without receiving a little cloud of disappointment from the other person. I don't fake, but I've surely been tempted.
8
@6 sooooooo... Has this phrase brought much success in your romantic relationships, or in giving relationship advice to women you know?
9
Ignoring the stupid responses above, Dan's answer is right on. I had exactly the same experiences many times, where I was so hyper-aroused that I found I was unable to orgasm. It was a weird feeling, but when it happened I just focused on finding another way to satisfy my partner.
10
I guarantee those are the days he's had some alone time not so long before they fuck.
11
In the words of Latrice Royale: 5 Gs--Good God, Get a Grip Girl.
12
I wish I had your problems, WAF.
13
The brilliant is the enemy of the perfect. Case in point: David Duval. He won the British Open, took the #1 ranking from Tiger Woods, and almost immediately ruined his game by attempting to perfect it.

Fortunately for this LW, she can turn back in time.
14
Good Lord, woman! Talk about a solution in search of a problem.
15
@11 awesome
16
@2: If they don't put that paragraph in, then people complain that they don't even say anything good about their partner so why are they even together?
17
Did I push the wrong button and end-up on a ST news story?
18
@7: it's true. I've done it a couple times, though I can't remember with whom or exactly why.
19
Definitely happens to me sometimes, and Dan's absolutely right. Count yourself lucky that he's not only having sex just to get off.
20
For a relationship "that couldn't be better" WAF sure has a lot of gripes.
21
Yeah no big deal, dated a guy like that for 4 years. And BTW what is she complaining for? The benifit to dating the rare guy like that is you don't have to sweat them cumming too soon. After my last 5 lovers I miss that!
22
I'm sure she's a perfectly nice person, but the fact that she actually considered his inability to reach orgasm every single time they fuck a possible sign of cheating seems like a possible red flag.
23
I have an overly sensitive tip myself where if too much stimulation happens I kinda freak the fuck out.

How I describe it? It's like when you got tickle tortured as a kid.

It's not an unenjoyable experience but you don't want it to continue.
24
I'm a non-finisher. Sex is great, feels great, but eventually, the dick, like any other body part, can go numb. It's odd to both feel it and not feel it at the same time, like somebody borrowed my penis and took it in the next room.

Usually, getting blown makes things much, much worse. I can't accept oral for more than a minute or two if I want to be able to shoot during sex.

But what does make it better is taking a 7th-inning-stretch. Stop fucking *before* the dick goes numb. Take a snack break or shower so the boner goes away. After an hour or two, start over from scratch.

So Dan, this video would be my response to the letter writer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lu6IiVYL…
25
I second the suggestion for a "seventh-inning stretch." Sometimes all you need is a breather. No use panicking over it.
26
It happens. Sometimes for the reasons @10 implied. Sometimes for others. Don't over think it.
27
Wow. Talk about a non-problem. I don't think he's the one who's uptight about sex.
28
Earth to Letter Writer: HIS ORGASMS DO NOT BELONG TO YOU.

I don't care if he has been whacking off earlier that day. If he is content not coming every once in a while (which, according to your numbers is somewhere between 1 in 8 and 1 in 16 times), and that's not an issue for him, why is this a problem for you? If anything, it means he can go longer, not to mention pay more attention to getting you off.

And as everyone else has noted, overstimulation leading to a temporary inability to orgasm is absolutely normal. Even in men. It's especially easy to make it happen with vibrators. Intense stimulation for a prolonged period results in numbness. (Well, not exactly numb, you can still feel everything, but it's like the nerve endings are not capable of putting out a full signal because you have temporarily depleted the supply of neurotransmitters.)

Maybe you'd be happier with a guy who pounds away determinedly, hell-bent on achieving that ejaculation, until both of you are raw?
29
Look, at one time or another all guys have had doubts about finishing.

But when that happens, do you give up and resign yourself to a painful case of blue balls? No, god dammit, you don't! You keep on fucking, making adjustments as needed - changing positions, varying the tempo, taking one of her tits in hand, or telling her to hold your balls - until you've finished the job you started.
30
@29: Gee Seandr, you make it sound so romantic or sexy!
31
@seandr: See, this is the myth that all guys are wired the same way. That despite the nearly complete individuality of every ladypart out there, we guys should be less variant than an In-N-Out menu.

Your penis is not my penis. Your balls are not my balls. Very happy that you can blow every night. But please don't repeat your frat-house mantra of "all guys...." I'm not all guys. I have a dick that goes numb during prolonged sex. A hundred virgins and a power sander could not get me off.

32
Hey WAF, two ideas:

1. Cialis. The generic stuff is available online for about 5% of the cost of the stuff at the drugstore. That's the short story. The longer story is longer, and would have people accusing me of pimping for a particular website. So I won't do it. The 20 mg tabs are what he wants.

2. There is also A-AKG powder. It does the same thing, i.e., activates nitric acid, which increases blood circulation. It's $8 a bottle, and it works.

Bottom line: This is an engineering issue, period. Show him my posting, and hope he sees the light.
33
Lady please what is the problem?
34
@32 - I disagree. A once or 2X a month not finishing, after otherwise satisfying rest of the month bootie, ain't a problem that needs medical attention. & @29, yeah - what @31 said. Have *you* fucked a buncha different guys? No? Then this is a subject about which you are uneducated. ;) How your dick works, is how *your* dick works.

Hey, LW/"wanting a Finish": That anxiety or tension you feel about your BF not getting off a couple of times a month..that can turn into a nasty feedback loop, where your anxiety - not his, he's telling you it's normal, YOUR anxiety - could wind up making this happen more often, not less. SRSLY, just let it go. Enjoy what you do have, 'cause you're having plenty o' nookie. & on nights when he's crossed the point where it becomes clear his orgasm isn't on the menu, relax! Don't make a little sigh of disappointment. If you need to be finished off, make that the sexy fun that happens next, & then go get a sammich or go to sleep or wtvr. :) I was with someone for over a half-year who loved to play, but just couldn't finish. At all! At first it really bothered me but then I just decided to let it go, enjoy the sex as it was..& he surprised the hell outta me eventually. Mmm-hmm.

And if dirty talk is super duper important to you & he keeps giggling, try sexy little Emails or texts. If talking directly is too much sometimes a little note can work wonders.
35
@31 "a hundred virgins and a power sander...'

ROFL.

Although... You know? That's kinda what it feels like sometimes.

Which brings me to some advice, but as Dan mentions, it's not actually a problem that needs solving unless he's crying in frustration or something. Slow the fuck down at that point, and stop trying to pound one out. Cut the rhythm by two or four, to a gentle but teasing pace. Shorten the stroke. Sometimes less is more. Also, try adding some heavy gel lube, like K-Y or Astrolube. Works for me, won't work for everyone.

The take-a-break, 7th Inning Stretch suggestion above @24 is excellent, too. Give the overstimulated nerve block a chance to go away.
36
@24 wins the thread. Excellent remarks.
37
Do you think she makes these subtle attempts to 'cure him' of things she doesn't approve of in other areas of the relationship? I have those tendencies, and this letter was a wake up call to look out for when I'm being insane and knock it the f*ck off.
38

@6 Functional Atheist:

Mysogynist much?

So if this letter was between two men, should Dan have said "you stupid fucking faggot"?

39
That's how his dick rolls; a couple times a month isn't an issue as long as NO ONE MAKES IT AN ISSUE. Unlike how we see in pornos, dudes can't always finish, just like gals, and it's not a problem unless it gets in the way of having positive sexual experiences.

I get the feeling that LW has some emotional/ego investment in him getting off every time, thus the big fixation on his low chattiness about sex stuff. It's not about you, LW, and it's not about his non-talking (how else would he finish all the other times?); it's just a "we don't always get off" thing.

It's possible his "feature" contributed to his not wanting to talk about it because he got smothered/interrogated about it constantly. So I suggest you lay off because it's making him more anxious and then he WILL have nervous-induced no-go days.
40
A Cautionary Tale (Approved By My Friend, Whose Story It Is): A good (girl)friend of mine is having fairly good sex with a New Boy. She doesn't climax every time though, and in response the New Boy redoubles his efforts, pounding away, introducing toys, initiating weird new positions. All this despite the fact that she told him that not climaxing every time is an "issue" (her air quotes) with every partner she's had, that he should not worry at all, that this was how it went with her. The New Boy still takes the occasional lack of orgasm as a personal affront, and proceeds to exhaust, annoy, and overstimulate the fuck out of her, leading to a sharp rise in no-climax "incidents" (my quotes) and a concurrent ramping up of the New Boy's orgasm-or-die tactics. One day, in the second hour of overpressurized coitus, she finally just says "Get off of me. I'm sore and I'm done with this", dresses and heads for the door. When she gets home, she calls me, her gay friend, and tells me all about it. She never calls the New Boy again.
Moral: Take "That's How I Work" for an answer.
41
As someone who used to be completely unable to orgasm if there was another person involved, I know exactly how someone pressuring you to get off just makes it more frustrating. (FYI, if you repeat the phrase, "Are you gonna come?" over and over again, the answer is most definitely "No.")
I also know how a partner that concentrates on your pleasure instead of your orgasm can take that pressure off and allow you to relax enough to get there.

But I get how the LW feels to an extent too. An ex had an inability to get off due to a medication he was taking, and, while I logically understood that, I felt bad. I knew he wanted to be getting off. I didn't pressure him, and it wasn't so much a blow to the ego(though I'm sure that was in there somewhere subconciously) as it was difficult for me because I enjoy my partners pleasure and knew that he wanted to get there and couldn't.

That said, I do think she needs to let it go. If he's been this way his whole life it's how he's wired. He's obviously cool with it and it's not a reflection on her.
42
@1 Absolutely. NyQuil & DayQuil will leave me numb in that area, personally.
43
I often can't finish in the mornings if I'm not awake enough yet. And usually it just makes it even more explosive the next time I do climax. That's just how I work. My wife doesn't complain about this at all. She just climbs on top and gets herself a couple nice orgasms. It can be a little frustrating on occasion, but I know she's good for repaying the favor at some point in the future, so it's not a big deal.
44
@43 LW needs a lesson from your wife. Instead of pathologizing and diagnosing him, count your fucking blessings.
45
@eclexia: But please don't repeat your frat-house mantra of "all guys...."

Let me leave you with these additional thoughts, courtesy of the collective wisdom of the Delta Chi chapter of DKE:

1) Mind over meat!
2) "Can't" is just a short vowel away from "cunt"!
46
Orgasm should not be the objective of having sex; it should be a happy byproduct. I have great sex all the time that doesn't end in an orgasm. In fact some people avoid/delay orgasm to increase the intensity of sex. You might find yourself both enjoying the sex much more if you aren't focused on a goal.
47
Re 7th inning stretch advice, I have a question:

When I'm the one wanting a break from stimulation, I generally assume we're still going to finish up his orgasm, either now or after my break, but I may no longer be interested in my own. Sometimes I am, it depends.

So what about when the guy wants a break: if he hasn't come, should I assume we're headed back for more sex play and act accordingly after the sandwich? Or is that too much pressure, and I should follow his cues and wait to see if he wants more action?
48
Question for LW - how does he feel about having babies? Does he want kids?
49
This is the way his dick works
this is the way his dick works
this is the way his dick works
not with a bang, but a whimper
50
"About once or twice a month, he can't finish. He can always get hard, always stays hard, but will eventually just throw in the towel and tell me it's not going to happen."

What is the opposite of a problem, Alex.
51
@49 Ha ha. That's awesome. Maybe if the real poem was like that I would have bothered reading it.

Although for the girlfriend, apparently, it is the end of the world.
52
@47, assume there will be more play. Maybe in an hour, maybe in four, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.

Maybe how the hell would anyone know.

The only certainty, as several folks have noted: a missed shot this time around is a double-shot next time. Not having an orgasm one night will make him twice as horny the next day.
53
@40. Yeah, this. There's nothing less appealing than being turned into someone's science project because their ego won't let them take That's How I Work for an answer.
54
Totally normal. Sometimes it just happens, no matter how turned on you are. Enjoy the sex itself, don't worry about the orgasm.
55
@52, I didn't expect an definite answer; I was just hoping to hear round up some opinions from male seventh-inning-stretch fans on whether they'd want their partner to expect more sex or want their partner to follow their lead. I'll put you down as a maybe.
56
I think we're all unfortunately programmed to accept that sex is defined and measured by the male orgasm, and women are instilled with the idea that they should be able to get a guy off (after all, it's easy, right? ) or else they are unattractive/frigid/whatever, that I can understand the LW's anxiety, but she needs to take a chill pill. :)
57
@55: a data point: another maybe. It depends.

If it's late at night when it becomes apparent that it ain't gonna happen, then probably not. Time to disengage, maybe take care of her if she hasn't had hers yet (and she isn't in the same state of numb), conduct the usual cuddling and other post-coital pleasantries, and drift off to dreamland. Earlier in the day, then it's more likely that the answer is yes, please, more. Though even then it depends. Are we running out of movie time to distract the kids? Was it a nice energetic session that was satisfying even without an orgasm? (yes, there is such a thing.)

Also, the nature of the backing-off can vary, from simply slowing down for a bit, to focusing primarily on her for a while, to getting up for a snack. Could be five minutes, could be "See you back here tonight when the kids are asleep."
58
@32, he shouldn't take drugs to treat a problem that doesn't exist.
59
@32- He's got no problem staying hard, which is all Viagra does. Did you read the letter?
This happens often to me as I've gotten older, and it gets my husband upset. No matter how much I tell him it was wonderful, even without the big O, he's still bothered. I sympathize with the LW's boyfriend. Can't count the times I've been tempted to fake it, just to get the partner off my back (or dick, as it were).
But it is nice that they're concerned about their partner's pleasure, as the LW is.
60
@32 Hey, Unbrainwashed, what's the long version of that story? If you're too discreet to share here, feel free to email me at ericapsavage@gmail.com... I'm curious.
61
#34, I don't think it needs medical attention either. The fact that nitric oxide activators need a prescription would be laughable if it wasn't so corrupt.
62
#60, I'll e-mail you a link in a couple days. I'm a little reluctant to do it, because of the whole commercial shilling thing and the puritanical nature of the liberals in Seattle, who tend to want to talk about sex as long as they don't actually do it. There's a long history. You can get a lot of it by reading the Wikipedia entry on cialis (generic name is tadalafil) and applying some native I.Q. points to what you read.
63
I'm a guy and I have faked it before. Sometimes you're just kind of tired, and she had two, and that's enough for the night, you know? No big deal.
64
@63, it's a big deal to me. Just say, hey, I could use a drink of water, or, let me go down on you, or, I'm getting over-stimulated... It's not good to start faking, because (trust me), then the other person starts to wonder a lot of the time if you were faking... Just, find another way. It's not as harmless as it seems.
65
Gee #64, bet ya didn't know that women aren't the only ones.
66
@65, I said so up at #7, above.
67
The line that set me off was "It's definitely happening more often than I'd like it to."

Okay, reality check time. First, it's happening somewhere between one out of eight and one out of sixteen times. Let's split the difference and call it one out of twelve times. To restate that -- because "it's happening" sounds vaguely ominous, which in this case is stupid -- they have a healthy, happy sex life, in which he fails to come approximately one out of twelve times. That means he _is_ coming just fine eleven out of twelve times! If the genders were reversed, not only would eleven-out-of-twelve be considered a spectacular batting average for most couples, but a guy who expressed that it was "definitely happening more often than I'd like it to" and that he thought he needed to "fix" whatever he thought was "wrong" with such a woman would be universally torn a new one, as being an intrusive, controlling, insensitive creep.

In case it hasn't been said one too many times already, Letter Writer, this is not your problem to fix. Mostly because it isn't a problem at all, by any sane definition.

But even if it were a problem, your role would not be to try anything whatsoever to fix it, because the most likely outcome of you taking that attitude is that your interventions would make him self-conscious and it would start happening more and more often.

Bottom line: back the fuck off and enjoy what you have. There is literally nothing wrong here that needs fixing.
68
I don't usually make this complaint, but jesus, this is the letter Dan answers? You had no letters from guys who wanted to dress their wives up as chickens? No cuckquean fetishists who want to get over a paralyzing fear of seeing another woman's pussy so they can "catch" their husband in the act? Hell, this woman's question would be valid if she were, like, 21; but to get to 27 without realizing, "Eh, no big deal, could be worse-- he could want to dress me up as a chicken or something!" is just... dumb.
69
#60, I decided to put the long story here.

I already noted that Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra work basically the same way, by activating nitric oxide to increase circulation, So does A-AKG powder, which is (in my opinion) the most effective form of l-arginine, a supplement you can buy at Super Supplements or online for about $8 a bottle. Body builders use l-arginine to boost blood circulation. When I did that, I noticed it was also giving me a hardon. When I finally did the research on viagra, et. al., I realized why: all of these things activate nitric oxide.

Cialis, in particular, (tadalafil) was developed in the early '90s to treat enlarged prostates. Then it was approved for pulmonary hypertension. Then someone must have noticed that the patients were getting stiff, so it got approved for hard-ons. Viagra and Levitra, also nitric oxide activators, got approved for the same thing.

The dosages are interesting. For hardons, you're prescribed 10 mg of Cialis or 50 mg of Viagra. But for hypertension, it's 20 mg of Cialis twice a day, which tells me it's safe in larger doses as long as you don't have a low blood pressure problem. I use it in 20 mg doses.

Now, for the kicker, the price. This is going to shock the shit out of people, but it's true. All the patents on this stuff should have expired, but we have the best Congress money can buy so they keep getting extended. But one country -- India -- does not recognize the patents. And that's where basically all the on-line generic hardon pills come from. I've used the generic and the branded, and have never once noticed any difference. Same goes for l-arginine.

If you buy in large quantities, you can get, say, 1,500 generic hard-on pills for $900. That's 60 cents a pill. The largest approved U.S. online pharmacy, Access Rx, charges $32.77 per 20 mg Cialis pill if ordered in quantities of 90. More if you order fewer pills. Viagra is $30 per 100 mg tablet.

Why aren't people up in arms about this truly outrageous gouging? Because, in puritanical America, who will ever be the spokes(wo)man for Fair Trade hardon pills. So Congress and the courts protect Big Pharma, which turns around and sells the stuff at ruinous markups. I'm not going to tell anyone where to get generic hardon pills. It would only open this posting to attack for commercial promotion, and who knows, a federal investigation, and not of the real culprits.

So, just to be clear, I myself do not buy anything directly from India. A friend did it and gave me some.
70
@69, thanks!
71
The cheapest is A-AKG (or whatever l-arginine someone likes), and figure out for yourself how much you need. I think the powders that you mix in water work best as opposed to capsules. It also has the advantage of not having to be paranoid about the legalities and practicalities of finding an Indian online seller you trust. The downside is that l-arginine has a really short window of efficiacy. Starts about a half-hour after drinking it and lasts maybe an hour or so.
72
@67: Oops, I just realized I screwed up my math. If they are in a phase of sex twice a week, and it happens twice a month, then the worst case frequency is one out of four, not one out of eight. Best case would be sex four times a week and not coming once a month, and still would be one out of sixteen. Splitting the difference would be one out of ten.

Being charitable, I can imagine her becoming concerned if he didn't finish one out of four times. But it's still not her thing to try and fix. Any kind of pressure she puts on the situation is likely to make things worse. If it's numbness from overstimulation, fucking him more vigorously is probably going to backfire, especially if she goes into every session determined to make him come. Likewise, discussions will only make him self-conscious.

Only thing I can think is a very subtle invitation for more times per week if you are in slow spell. Bring things more towards the best case frequency, but in any case, stop worrying about it. Make the goal be the pleasure given and received, not whether you come.