SL Letters of the Day: A Selection of Second Opinions

Comments

1
Project much, LTS?
2
Love The Show is probably pretty young (I'm smellin' early twenties). This line is especially hilarious: "I am assuming her pain was based on the boredom she experienced with having no one to make miserable." Oh, so because she withholds sexually/is emotionally abusive, she suddenly has no emotions or attachment to her husband?

Hon, the movies may have taught you to think a certain way, but nobody on this earth is pure evil. We only heard one side of the story; for all we know, TED could be such a tiresome piece of shit that it's obvious why his wife won't fuck him. Or he could be controlling and abusive. Or any number of other possible flaws.

I'm not saying he is the bad guy, but there are two sides to every story. More than two sides, actually, since we didn't hear about any aspect of TED's marriage apart from the sex/affection angle. It's a little premature to pull out the phrase "sadistic maniac".

Plus, if TED hasn't gotten out of his marriage by now, he has some very good reasons for staying put. I doubt an impassioned pipsqueak on the Internet will change his mind.
3
Oh, and I second "procrasturbation". I always used to get horny when I studied. I think it's because I always procrastinated on studying by masturbating in order to calm myself down, so the nerves brought on by schoolwork were associated with arousal in my mind. Kind of a Pavlovian thing.
4
It looks like R.S. might have left an r out of the neologism.

As for LTS, wow! I wouldn't have thought of that. Nice perspective. I tend to take letter-writers at their word when they say good things about the person about whom they are complaining.
5
@2: I agree that there's two sides and he might not look as great, but "Plus, if TED hasn't gotten out of his marriage by now, he has some very good reasons for staying put." may be more of a case of sunk cost and "well, it's been this long, it couldn't POSSIBLY get worse..." than it is reasons to keep going.

If he feels what he's telling us, or hell, he's telling us this at all, he should probably get out for her sake as well.
6
I also procrasturbate, but it made studying difficult. The more I orgasm, the more I want to keep going. I never studied for over an hour.
7
@2
In any obvious DTMFA situation on the blog/column, there may always be another side to the story or some mitigating factor which makes the other partner not so bad. However, his letter makes it obvious that the relationship is irreparably broken. A bunch of strangers on a blog probably won't be enough to push him to do what he needs to do, but it can't hurt.
8
I do tend to agree with LTS: an abusive relationship is abusive, why put up with that while waiting to die.
Assume you have enough years left in your life to make a painful transition worthwhile later on. Hell even if you die tomorrow, if I were in that relationship I would rather die single; good company or no company (I was young when I learned this, twenty one years ago).
9
I get this "procrasturbation" thing sometimes too; it's nearly always triggered when I have books in my lap, because the edges of heavy textbooks turn out to be a great source of the kind of pressure my nether regions respond to. Also sometimes I just get bored.
10
Does it say something that when I started reading LTS's letter, I assumed when he said he was a "devotee" he meant he was an amputee fetishist?
11
LTS - someone's been reading a few too many PUA/MRA subreddits, methinks.
12
I quote @2:

"but nobody on this earth is pure evil. We only heard one side of the story; for all we know, TED could be such a tiresome piece of shit that it's obvious why his wife won't fuck him. Or he could be controlling and abusive. Or any number of other possible flaws."

LTS, I think you're funny and have something of a valid point. I just want to point out that TED kept fucking a woman who obviously didn't want to be fucked; So, not totally innocent behavior on his part, or at least not terribly evolved behavior. Yeah, the wife was horrible too, but they were both bad partners in similar ways.

StRMXB, ouch.

14
@13: Don't forget 3) There's nothing to "save" from the relationship, no matter what. Either he's lying about the wife's disrespectful nature or somehow otherwise keeping things from the letter and she's therefore better without him, or she's miserable as he says and much better off without him.
15
There are always two sides to a story. However. Just as a woman may be married to an APOS (abusing piece of shit), men can be married to a HPOS (hen-pecking piece of shit). I note that the latter has become very prevalent in the last decade or so.

I would absolutely advocate that the former a) ring the police, b) DTMFA.

Almost equally I would advocate that the latter DTMFA. Better to be single that have your balls ripped out through your wallet.
16
Latex and vinyl are not the same thing.
17
I think TED should've left his wife years ago, but LTS' letter was entirely too vivid and detailed and frothing-at-the-mouth for any kind of objectivity. Somebody who raised him or somebody who banged him really must have done a number on him.
18
tmi:

my foreskin ripped a little during sex sometime in my 20s.

before that, I had to be gentle with my dick. after, not so much.
19
@17: "Somebody who raised him or somebody who banged him really must have done a number on him."

People can become unpleasant on their lonesome, no abusive parents or partners necessary.
20
@19: I know. Just a joke for effect. As in his unfair, overdetermined analysis of TED's letter merited a similarly unfair, overdetermined analysis of his response to TED's letter.
21
In addition to sounding like a frothing MRA whackadoo, LTS is giving out bad legal advice. I don't know what state TED is in, but the overwhelming majority of states have adopted "no fault" divorce laws. TED's infidelity would be completely irrelevant to the distribution of marital property.
22
@13,

I'm voting pity party. There was so much resentment there over such relatively trivial details. Everything he could have said could just be summed up as: She doesn't want to have sex, and when she does, she obviously doesn't enjoy it. But he apparently needed to vent about every little thing she's done that's pissed him off over the years.

@15,

You think hen pecking is more prevalent now than before? You must have never met my father's fourth wife, whom he married over 20 years ago.
23
I am allergic to latex, but good news chlorinated latex exists now, no allergic reaction!
24
#2sides2everystory I know the non-sex couple...or a couple VERY much like them, even the ages match. Wife is the craziest beyotch I've met in my life and that's saying something. Husband tells anyone who will listen than he's been mistreated by her all along, and never gets any. I felt so badly for the husband. Turns out the *poor* hubby had been all over Craigslist and Ashley Madison trying to pick up eighteen year old girls. Not to mention he's been getting drunk most nights in a local dive and trying to pick up everything in a skirt including the wife's friends. Then when he gets home the verbal abuse and threats of violence against the wife and kids begin. The police have been to the house a number of times. Both of them have substance problems, a history of mental illness and untreated ADD. The grandparents and several friends have been trying to support them, encouraging them to get help. But they won't take ANY advice or see a counselor, even when their business collapsed, they had to file bankruptcy and apply for food stamps. I long ago realized they totally deserve each other. It's their kids that deserve so much better.
25
@24: I was thinking another option for TED's situation might be a codependent clusterfuck much like the one you describe. But is it still codependency if no one is getting what they want? Or is using their mutual dissatisfaction as an excuse to whine/act a fool actually what they want? Either way, some depressing shit...
26
@25 I was under the impression in most relationships with codependency no one was getting what they wanted. Except they are. They have someone that supports them staying dysfunctional. Being challenged to face one's flaws, accept responsibility for them, FIX them and continue to grow is damn hard. You have to a certain measure of strength and maturity to embrace that in a relationship. In some ways, for some people, being fucked up and living with a similarly stunted partner is easier. Add to that, there's huge number of us that did not grow up in families that modeled healthy relationships. If you haven't ever seen them before close up, you probably don't even know where to start or what is possible.

I thought it was interesting TED was so focused on the sex. His letter didn't say anything positive about their relationship, just that they were more miserable apart. Myself, I could live with little sex, it there was warm companionship, affection, conversation, equally shared responsibility. And even with great sex, I wouldn't last in that passive- aggressive pressure cooker for a week.

A healthy, high functioning person doesn't stay married to someone who is a uncaring and cold very long.

27
@21 Things get a lot more sticky if one of the party has committed a crime.
28
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