Nice police work. Three young Cleveland women who disappeared nearly a decade ago, and who were presumed dead, were found alive, captive in a house just blocks from where they disappeared.

USA! USA! USA! A new study released by Save the Children ranks the US 68th in newborn mortality. With a first-day mortality rate of 3 deaths per 1,000 live births, the US is tied with other economic superpowers like Albania, Libya, and Thailand. Altogether, 7 million children age 5 and under die worldwide each year.

Because freedom isn't free. A new study finds that one in five American youths under the age of 21 who are at risk for suicide have a gun in their homes. As many as 8 percent of children and teens attempt suicide each year; nearly half of those who succeed use a firearm.

Guns make us safer. A 23-year-old US army veteran accidentally shot himself in the head while showing his gun to a friend at his college fraternity house.

Either way, Republicans will blame something or other on Obamacare. A persistent slowdown in healthcare spending has economists wondering if maybe they might have overestimated projections of public health spending by as much as $770 billion over the next decade.

Now if only they could put one of those things around his mouth. Zaftig New Jersey Governor Chris Christie secretly had lap-band stomach surgery in February, in order to dramatically lose weight. He says it has absolutely nothing to do with his presidential ambitions.

It's a big tent party. Republicans have stupid, pro-rape women too. The California Republican Assembly, the largest volunteer Republican organization in the state, ousted its president after she repeated the medically inaccurate assertion that "the percentage of pregnancies due to rape is small because it’s an act of violence, because the body is traumatized."

Trampling our 2nd Amendment right to bear pipe bombs. The FBI claims to have foiled a potential terrorist attack after seizing a cache of firearms, pipe bombs, and Molotov cocktails from the Montevideo, Minnesota mobile home of 24-year-old Buford Rogers, a reputed member of the Black Snake Militia, a local anti-government group. And yes, his name is Buford.

Finally, some non-bullshit charges. King County prosecutors have filed felony charges against five people accused of assaulting police officers during the May Day confrontation. Throwing rocks and bottles at police officers is a real crime, as opposed to those bullshit "obstruction" charges.

As a homeowner, I'm looking forward to the next bubble. The median price of a King County home hit $400,000 in April, up 11 percent from last year, and the highest mark since 2008. Analysts say the rising prices are largely due to a shrinking supply of available houses.

Fun fact: Seattle's Metropolitan Improvement District keeps track of the location of every piece of human excrement it cleans up!

You'd be noisy too after 17 years. As many as a trillion 17-year cicadas are about to emerge from the ground throughout the East Coast, filling the air with the impassioned screams of wild cicada lovemaking. And then die.