SL Letter of the Day: Mind Control

Comments

1
a) You can't rewire your brain to not enjoy the idea of sexual control.
b) You can safely, legally, and morally explore that fantasy and similar control scenarios with a partner through consensual role-play.

Recommendation: Work on being less hung up on a) and seek out an opportunity to go to town with b).
2
Your "control issues" have more to do with the fact that you're upset about what turns you on than what it is that turns you on.
3
I hate that there is so rarely follow-up on these old questions. Did it work? Is STAT still mad?
4
"I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. "

Wow, took me a while to comprehend that sentence.
5
If he should feel bad at all, he should feel bad about turning into a straight chaser (if he's done so; it's a little fuzzy).

What depresses me about a lot of these power stories is how the writers appear only to be sticking the "straight" label on so many characters because they think it's an adjective that conveys increased attractiveness. If I could claim a small cash prize whenever I read such a story and find that it would read exactly the same if "straight" were replaced with "handsome", I'd be able to afford a villa in the east of France.
6
@4 So *that's* how they do it...
7
@5 I know from seeing your other posts that you're really disgusted by straight-chasing. Is that because it disrespects the straight targets, or self-loathes the gay "chasers," or gives all gay people a bad name, or implies that no gay people are as hot as straight people? Or some other reason? Just curious, because its seems like one could agree rationally and morally with all of the above points and still be obsessively drawn to straight people.

Also, I'd suggest straight-chasing is partly a sexual control thing, too: they're hotter if you can't have them (=lack of control), plus it's hotter to change someone's mind (=control), plus extra bonus points if they see past your gendered exterior and want you despite themselves (=total loss of what they thought was control). Plus plus plus, etc.
8
@5, I don't think it's a label of attractiveness, it's more about power. If a hypnotist can turn a straight guy into his gay slave, that just proves how powerful and awesome a mind controller he is.
9
@5: I've always thought of straight-chasing as a folly of the very young. I'm in my early thirties, and the last time I crushed out on a straight guy was when I nineteen. I quickly figured out that it was nonsensical masochistic bullshit even if you do get laid. Not to mention it's a good idea to wipe the concept of straight>gay clean from your mind as soon as possible. Tends to get problematic.
10
I too do not see the problem. Find a guy that is into being controlled. Get consent. Then "hypnotise" the "straight guy" and force him to have sex with you.
11
As a straight guy, I appreciate that you feel it is wrong to violate my sexual integrity even in the recesses of your own mind. That said, get over it. As long as it stays in your mind, it ok.

Most of us have fantasies that would be inappropriate to act upon. That is what distinguishes fantasies from reality. It is hard, if not impossible, to rewire your brain away from favorite fantasies. One thing that might work is to try other fantasies that might appeal to you. You won't get rid of your original fantasy, but by broadening your interests it might take up a smaller slice of your erotic imagination.

In closing, if it helps to you to feel better about yourself you have my explicit permission to fantasize about how you can use mind control techniques that you have implanted into internet comment systems to take me over, bend me to your will, and take me from my wife and family as your sex slave.

It doesn't cost me anything, because it is all in your mind. My mind will be filled with my own disturbing fantasies that I will also not be bringing to reality.
12
@3,

Seriously! I think I'm gonna lead an online boycott of all Savage Love related activity until Dan runs a column in which he follows up with old letter writers from months/years ago to see how his advice played.

Also, I'm not sure what a "goop fetish" is and so will have to google it. I'll follow up with details on that boycott (and also about goop.)
13
I was commissioned once or twice to draw that kinda stuff. It's a pretty mild fetish as far as the Internet goes.
14
I disagree. I think a person can find themselves aroused by situations or fantasies that really do not mesh with their personal standards or principles or philosophies. It sounds like this guy is hip to the whole power dynamic thing re:consent and he is clearly uncomfortable that his body responds to something that his mind is not cool with. I don't think it's necessarily a hard-wired thing to like a specific kink/fantasy--to be clear I do not think this is true of everyone or every kink/fantasy; just that this particular person does not like the direction his has taken and wants to change it. Why is this a hard thing to get? He can't change his orientation (not that he'd want to or should), but he can certainly change his sexual behaviors, especially if he is affected by that behavior in his daily life beyond his mastaburtory sessions. People can get into porn ruts, just like couples, wherein each session is the same and can follow the same routine/ritual--he is unhappy that this is now his selflove habit and I trust the guy to know himself enough to know that this doesn't feel like a healthy expression of his sexuality. Not everyone enjoys historically typical heterosexual power dynamics.

We are all affected by traditional cultural mores, particularly messages about sex and gender roles. I say good on this guy for his intropection and recognizing a pattern of behavior he's unhappy with and taking steps to change that.
15
You know what would be even hotter? If he found a married bi guy who's wife is ok with it, and "hypnotized" him.
16
@5: "he should feel bad about turning into a straight chaser (if he's done so; it's a little fuzzy).

What depresses me about a lot of these power stories is how the writers appear only to be sticking the "straight" label on so many characters because they think it's an adjective that conveys increased attractiveness."

You sure you're not just confusing fantasy for reality?
17
@14 My question would be is he in a rut, or is this just free floating guilt? Far too often people are made to feel guilty about anything that is either sexual or isn't vanilla sex. If he feels this fantasy it taking over his life that's one thing. If he feels bad because he's fantasizing about using something that doesn't exist to do naughty things to people who aren't real that's something else.
18
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19
Ms Rand/M? California - No; I've just seen a lot of badly written stories. It's one thing to write a story with a straight character and use that character's heterosexuality as something relevant. It's not the sort of story I generally care to write myself, but I could do it easily enough. A lot of people just write stories in which they might just as well be calling the character blond for all the purpose it will serve.
20
STAT - a suggestion for an alternative: why not just go with the fantasy and find someone willing to do EXACTLY as they are told in bed? I've done this before and it's beyond fun. If you find the right guy, he'll even pretend to be straight (deny your advances), let you pretend to hypnotize him, and then act like your little slave. Hell, I'd be down with that ...
21
By the way, real hypnosis is pretty easy to learn, and plenty of subs enjoy being hypnotized. No need to find someone to pretend to be hypnotized -- put up a personals ad for someone who likes bottoming hypnosis. The book "Look Into My Eyes" is a good start.
22
@17 why does his discomfort have to be caused by "guilt"? He doesn't say he feels guilty, just that he has no interest in accepting this particular fantastical tangent.
23
@19: "Ms Rand/M? California - No; I've just seen a lot of badly written stories. It's one thing to write a story with a straight character and use that character's heterosexuality as something relevant. It's not the sort of story I generally care to write myself, but I could do it easily enough. A lot of people just write stories in which they might just as well be calling the character blond for all the purpose it will serve."

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Ma… Ah well, that's just simple narcissistic bullshit. But isn't that what a good fantasy should be, as long as it remains a fantasy?
24
@21 thanks for the reference to "Look Into My Eyes."

Anyone have any experience with sexy hypnosis through audio recordings?
25
I came across stories about mind control when I was in my teens, and I still check out the site every so often to see if anything new has cropped up. I get why it would be hot to imagine it from either side (though, I prefer to imagine being controlled...) It's the one thing that I've never really gotten to explore with anyone. Waiting for the right guy, I suppose.
I don't see why people are so ready to beat themselves up over their fantasies, especially when they have no intention of acting on them in a realistic way (playing with a consenting partner is a different story).
26
@22 usually a lot issues like this stem from misplaced guilt and shame.
27
@26 but he does not come off as shameful or as an unselfaware person:

"I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy."

He wants to fantasize about something he can potentially really do in real life:
1. the "magic" kind of hypnosis is not feasible
2. even if it were, he is not a rapist and would not want to become one

So everyone saying, 'just pretend, man, you can't change!' (paraphrasing for brevity) are not offering real solutions to his issue. If it is some kind of guilt, it's not due to sexual repression or religion etc, nor would that guilt be "misplaced"; it's because this guy is a good guy, a moral one in the most basic sense, and he doesn't want to 'get over' the hurdle of his morality.

Nor should he want to; who encourages someone to become a rapist, even a pretend one, when that person is obviously not cool with that idea?:

"This is not something I'm interested in "accepting"."

Why does no one else want to take the LW at his word?

28
so I'm a gay man, and I am waaaayyy into hypno as well. I don't see why you can't practice it? It won't be a straight guy getting hypnotized, true, but you can pretend he is. You can also pretend it's against his will. You can make him act like your sex butler/robot, and just make believe it's forced when really he's loving every minute of it. Trust me, I've done it, it is super fun.
29
Thanks for the recap #1 !
30
Thanks for the recap #1 !
31
@27: ""This is not something I'm interested in "accepting"."

Why does no one else want to take the LW at his word?"

Because the solution to cognitive dissonance isn't more cognitive dissonance. He needs to work on why it's hot firstly before he can purge it, but more importantly, so he can figure out why he's struggling so hard to battle with a consensual fantasy.

His "word" is at odds with his brain and his brain's always going to win out until he can untangle his fetish. Would he normally have to put so much work in? Probably not, but he's struggling with it, so he needs to be more honest with himself.
32
@31 "Probably not, but he's struggling with it, so he needs to be more honest with himself."

Says you. He sounds more with it than most SL LWs. I disagree.

I hope he manages to figure this out. I think he might just need a temporary break from these stories to let his own imagintion recharge; he should try to masturbate without porn or erotic stories, but with closed eyes. Stories can make one's imagination lazy until one can't remember how turn oneself on.

Basically, he has the thought/mind version of the overzealous habitual masurbator who then finds his physical/ body response to actual sexual partners dulled/can only get himself off in one particular, familiar way. I think this LW needs to change how he involves his brain in his masturbation. To step back from what he's always done so he can experience more variety and satisfaction from his sexlife.

Also, his fantasy isn't to fake rape someone. He wants the magical hypnotism, which he acknowledges is more impossible than it is possible. So for him, in real life, that's out. He also would want to hypnotize a straight man and make him do things against his will, which he is not willing to do because he doesn't actually want to force someone. Pretending, play-acting, is NOT this guy's fantasy which is why he wants to move beyond it. What can he fantasize about that he can do for real without faking it? THAT's what my reading comprehension left me with from his letter.

Again, what is difficult to understand about that? Man, I feel for this guy, people hear him but they don't listen.
33
@32: "Again, what is difficult to understand about that?"

Nothing, I just think you're both blurring fantasy for reality unnecessarily. And that's where the dissonance happens. You're applying reality-based rules where they don't and won't apply. And until some understanding of himself happens, he's going to continue battling invisible demons.

"people hear him but they don't listen."

Or we hear him better than he hears himself. Chances are, when someone has an "impossible to understand" situation, other human beings have reached the point before, understood it, and moved on. There's nothing unique under the sun about having a fetish based around unhealthy activities IRL, he's not a unique snowflake. He's just refusing to accept that fantasy can be healthy when controlled and explored.

Keep butting your head against that concept, though, surely the unhappy struggle is more fun than moving through.
34
@33 Sure, whatever you say. You know this guy better than he does himself. Got it.
35
@34: He's the one having a crisis, not me.

We're suggesting direct ways to "change how he involves his brain in his masturbation", addressing the underlying issues, not the symptoms. You can't just tell someone "stop having a fetish".
36
Well, *you* can, and he's told himself that, with the obvious end-result of it not working. Him placing artificial constraints on the answers that he will accept doesn't make the answers we offer any less valid.