I am a 26 y.o. gay man living in Europe. Some weekends ago I went to visit a friend to another city and we went out to a party where I met a gay couple in their mid 30s. We clicked and by the end of the night they proposed me a threesome. (It was an excitement idea! They were very hot!) Unfortunately I had to decline because the friend I was visiting is a friend with benefits and we agreed on "fun together or not fun at all."

The issue is that I gave these guys my cellphone number and one of the guys—a guy that is hot as hell and way out of my league—wanted to have fun with me but without his partner. He was planning on coming to my city only for this reason and was waiting for me to confirm. I asked him if his partner agreed on this and he told me that he didn't know if his partner would have agreed and that he was not planning on telling him. (They have been together for more than 8 years!) I have been with guys in open relationships but I have always declined the cheating setup and this was clearly a cheating setup so I declined. The guy was not happy and called me a prude.

This is not true, Dan! I have a lot of fun with guys but I just don't like the idea of being the one that a guy cheated on his partner with. In a "Grindr" set up with limited information, this would have been less of a problem for me, but here I knew who his boyfriend was and their relationship status. My male hetero friends, that are all in couples, told me that I did right. My male gay friends, that are all single at the moment, thought that I should have gone for it, that I am too uptight and, yes, prudish.

Am I a prude? Enlighten me, Dan. Please.

The Gay Prude

P.S. Sorry about my English!

My response after the jump...


You did right, TGP, and you're clearly not a prude. There's nothing prudish about friends with benefits or threesomes with hot couples. You're also not an asshole. You didn't ditch your FWB in favor of the hot couple despite how excitement the idea was. Instead you honored your standing agreement with your friend—"fun together or fun not at all"—because, again, you're not an asshole.

And not only aren't you an asshole, TGP, you're also not interested in aiding and abetting assholes—not even hot ones, not even ones who are way out of your league. (Maybe he was out of your league looks-wise, TGP, but you are out his league human-decency-wise.) And look how that hot asshole reacted when you told him you weren't interested in helping him cheat on his boyfriend: he had a fit and called you names. This gay asshole is probably used to getting all the boys he wants. (Hot gay assholes tend to get all the boys they want.) His behavior when he heard the word "no" revealed him to be the very definition of a hot gay asshole: pretty on the outside, full of shit on the inside.

As for your single gay friends, TGP, they're clearly thinking with their dicks. And that's fine. You were thinking with your dick a little too—all men think with their dicks—but your heart and your brain are in the loop with your dick. That's the way to be, TGP. Don't ever change.

P.S. Please don't apologize for your English—it's way better than my European.

P.P.S. Your decision not to leave the club with the hot couple, your unwillingness to ditch your friend, reminded me of something my late friend David Rakoff used to say to his friends: "Don't trade up." David was a good guy, TGP, one of the best. If what you're doing reminds me of David, TGP, then you're doing something right. If you've got a minute... please go read Ariel Kaminer's beautiful piece about who David was and what he meant to his friends.