Slog Jul 18, 2013 3:29 PM

SL Letter of the Day: Fun with Frying Pans

by Dan Savage

Comments

1
He also seems to have a misconception of what "light S&M" is.
Good god!!!!! I would hate to imagine what he thinks "heavy S&M" is
nartweag on July 18, 2013 at 3:49 PM · Report this
2
If my dick ever turned blue, I'd be a lot more concerned than he seems to be.
lolorhone on July 18, 2013 at 3:57 PM · Report this
3
I would go with a light nonstick pan instead.
Fnarf on July 18, 2013 at 3:59 PM · Report this
4
This may sound judgmental and I truly do not want to be. I think people should do what they like as long as they are not hurting others (unless asked). I just have questions:

How in the hell do you know that you want to do that to yourself? I would sooner pour gravy on my rose bush because that seems like a more realistic non sequitur. How do you wake up and decide that would be a fun activity. Why would you want to hurt yourself? Particularly in an area that gives so much pleasure. I have read that S&M does not necessarily mean you have deep psychological problems and I have to accept that. It is difficult to quantify though as there is such a broad spectrum, but some activities certainly seem to point towards self-loathing and punishment for wanting pleasure.
JJinAus on July 18, 2013 at 4:13 PM · Report this
5
I call shenanigans.
SifuMark on July 18, 2013 at 4:33 PM · Report this
6
@4 well, how do you wake up one day realizing you would like to rub your uglies on someone else's until one or both of you spew juices everywhere? You weren't born wanting to, it's not logical, it could give you awful diseases or the most expensive and punishing habit ever (parenting), and frankly it's kind of gross. But it's also awesome and you want it. Other people may never understand.
beccoid on July 18, 2013 at 4:35 PM · Report this
7
@4 Louis C.K. has a bit where he talks about fucking the refrigerator as a kid - squeezed his dick in the door. I imagine this guy did something similar (random masturbatory experience driven by youthful obliviousness) and was all "hey that sensation felt good, I wonder if more of the same will feel better."

Anyway, this guy sounds like he would be really annoying to have turn up at a play party. Let's hope he reads the damn books before he turns up wherever and than pisses people off because they have normal getting-to-know-you-at-a-party small talk and not just wild fantasy fetish-y sex with everyone walking in the door.
sahara29 on July 18, 2013 at 5:14 PM · Report this
8
[BJ] Try a pair of mixed doms; nothing will get a LW what he wants so well as a bit of competition.
vennominon on July 18, 2013 at 5:27 PM · Report this
9
@6 Because it feels good. No pain. My uglies felt good before I "rubbed them on someone elses". Just like animals, it's natural. As far as I know in the animal kingdom, they don't mutilate themselves. Rivals certainly.
JJinAus on July 18, 2013 at 5:34 PM · Report this
10
7 years on, I wonder how his cock is doing.
migrationist on July 18, 2013 at 6:12 PM · Report this
11
@9
What do you happen to have around the house that could hang from a shoelace without slipping out of the knot, and weighs the most it can w/o breaking the shoelace (or you), and will hang freely in a relatively tight space?

I would imagine it would start with yanking your crank extra hard while wanking, discovering you like it, yanking even harder, and starting to wonder how you could increase and focus the sensation beyond what such a blunt instrument as your hand from the angles available to it.

I didn't read this as the guy having a thing for frying pans. I read it as poorly thought out but nevertheless creative problem solving. And it leaves both hands free.
East Coast Douglas on July 18, 2013 at 6:22 PM · Report this
12
Yep. I'm nowhere near the D/s scene and even I know that no respectable Dom fails to give a darn about the sub's well-being.
DRF on July 18, 2013 at 6:49 PM · Report this
13
@4 A lot of masochism is actually better viewed as sensation play. Most masochists don't enjoy random pain. If they stub their toe, they will be hurt and annoyed. But how sensations are processed is not simple and is highly context-dependent. The more turned on you are, the more likely you are to read a sensation as pleasurable rather than painful or irritating. For example, countless people are ticklish except when sufficiently aroused, and then they just read tickling sensations as arousing. There are countless people who can enjoy hard scratches or pulling or other sensations when aroused that would be annoying or painful if not aroused. Some people take this further than others.

The second aspect that is important to keep in mind is that the largest component to arousal is psychological. You can be engaging in physically sexual activities and not be interested or in the mood and then it will not be very pleasurable. Or you can be engaging in no physical activities at all, but be highly psychologically aroused and it can be very pleasurable. There is evidence that some women can orgasm from fantasy alone. So, if a physical activity is psychologically arousing, it can be very pleasurable regardless of how it would come across outside of a sexual context. What things are psychologically arousing and how your body interprets physical stimuli are both going to be vastly variable from person to person, which is why some people will enjoy things that seem completely baffling to other people.
on July 18, 2013 at 7:07 PM · Report this
14
@3+1.

@5+1! I think he hasn't done it -- a cast iron pan would weigh, oh, 2kg or more -- not my thing but I'm guessing that's a lot to have tied to one's glans for >15min and only get a "little" blue-ish. Probably he's a first timer looking for good advice given how much BS is online, or he's beating off about writing to Dan. Or he's incredibly naive and thinks the "women" who are answering his ad are really women and really into doing the stuff they are writing him about.
delta35 on July 18, 2013 at 7:28 PM · Report this
15
@6 & @9: WHY CALL HULK HAPPY PARTS "UGLIES"?! HULK REFER TO HULK FIDDLESTICK AS "NEXUS OF JOY" AND "HAPPY SMILEY GREEN SUBMARINE"! WHY SO NEGATIVE?
Hulk on July 18, 2013 at 8:32 PM · Report this
16
I feel like dominant women are going to be MORE concerned about permanent damage than this guy is.
Monty on July 18, 2013 at 9:13 PM · Report this
17
@15: "Uglies" as a term is more concise than "nexus of joy" and "happy smiley green submarine". And "green" would have very bad connotations outside of the Banner family.
lolorhone on July 18, 2013 at 10:16 PM · Report this
18
4, I have no experience w/ bdsm & don't know the first thing about it. But my friend Ernie Lindquist has & this is what he told me when I raised a similar question-- Some people's genitals don't respond as fully to basic stimulation that most people experience. It takes a little bit more. Most guys think about how they can get a woman to open her legs for their dick. Once in that position, there's not much else to think about. Well, for those other guys, it doesn't matter if a woman opens her legs or not, because the dick won't really respond. A vagina or mouth or anal cavity, let alone a hand, isn't enough. So instead of thinking about how to get a woman's clothes off, those guys think about ways in which to stimulate their dick to get it off. The imagination will look at whatever implements are around, whether they be in the kitchen or garage or basement, and figure out how to work them into their sexual routines. (Sometimes these also need to be accompanied by casual or elaborate role-playing, power dynamics & the like.) After much trial & error, the guy eventually develops a deep understanding on just what it is his dick demands of him to get off.
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on July 19, 2013 at 12:12 AM · Report this
20
I am highly involved in my local kink community and we actually happen to have a pretty high percentage of female tops and dominants. Every one of them cares deeply about the Nexuses (Nexi?) of Joy they work on. Largely because, you know, they actually want to use those parts for their own joy at some point.
daphne24 on July 19, 2013 at 4:53 AM · Report this
21
@6 Sex is not logical? What??? I get what you're trying to do, but I think you're way off. Someone who eats food on a regular basis would be excused for not understanding why someone might intentionally weaponize a meal with habanero peppers.

@4 As others have suggested, it's probably something one gets into gradually. Maybe he starts tightening his grip while jerking off and all of a sudden he can't squeeze the thing hard enough. Maybe one of his friends showed him something 'weird' from the internet and instead of being grossed out he got a huge boner.
smajor82 on July 19, 2013 at 7:59 AM · Report this
22
@9 I'm ready for the "animal kingdom" argument to be retired. If a woman wrote in discussing her habit of consuming the heads of her male partners post-coitus you'd find the behavior perfectly understandable? On the flip side, animals don't do a lot of things we do - wearing condoms comes to mind - that are widely accepted and induce bewilderment. How other species behave is really irrelevant.
smajor82 on July 19, 2013 at 8:06 AM · Report this
23
@21 yep, sex is not logical. It's great! It's fun! It's necessary for reproducing. But there are way too many potential downsides to make either sex or reproducing a logical choice for an individual in the US. (There is a logic once you're in a LTR -- it makes the R better and more LT. But that is not why people are drawn to sex.) And it's fine that sex is not logical! Logic does not equal good.
beccoid on July 19, 2013 at 8:38 AM · Report this
24
Female spiders consuming the heads of their male partners after coitus is perfectly logical. It gives them extra protein and increases the survival chances of their offspring. Evolutionarily speaking, all the male spider "cares" about is getting his genes into the next generation; thus an evolved response in which the male offers himself up to the female after coitus would be selected for, and thereby persist.
In pair-bonded creatures like ourselves, selection is more in favor of keeping the male around post-coitus, since males contribute to the offspring's fitness through care-taking behavior.
danfan on July 19, 2013 at 9:56 AM · Report this
25
@17, teehee.
Ophian on July 19, 2013 at 10:43 AM · Report this
26
Dan, please don't feed the trolls. Anyone who would call this "light SM" is obviously just trying to get attention.

Also, yes, any dominant (male, female, or otherwise identified) who doesn't care about hurting one's bottom in BDSM play would not be welcome at any safe play party or gathering.

Also, Dan, about those lady dominants who are so impossible to find? There are websites devoted to those who would be happy to purr, "Honey, don't do that to yourself! Let me do it to you."
on July 19, 2013 at 11:08 AM · Report this
27
@24: Hot.
lolorhone on July 19, 2013 at 1:45 PM · Report this
28
Holy fake letters, Batman!

This sounds more like total wank fiction or "durr hurr, I sound like a total prevert!" than a real CBT fan. Especially the part where he says "As I write this". Anyone truly into CBT would be more interested in beating off at that moment in time than writing insane letters to sex advice columnists.

That, and a cast iron frying pan? That's way more weight than most guys will have anything to do with.
gromm on July 20, 2013 at 10:10 AM · Report this