SL Letter of the Day: Chocolate City

Comments

101
I have a high libido ;-) the kinkier the better! Xx
102
Oh and let's be clear, (straight) guys you need to talk to us ladies - what you want from us, what you want to do to us, take your time, gauge our reactions.

My other half has a much lower libido, I'd love to suggest we open up the relationship but how do you ever go about asking that!? " Oh by the way I want to be tied up and fucked by someone with an interest in kink?" Boom! That would be a disaster.

Help appreciated please... ;-)
103
Maryln,

Yes, that sounds about right. Why would it be a disaster?
104
@102: Have you already had the conversation where you suggest that maybe HE could try being that person for you? If you haven't -- and something about the way you say, "Oh by the way" in the same breath as "someone with a relationship with kink" suggests to me that you haven't -- and you instead have gone straight to worrying about how to broach the considerably more fraught topic of opening the relationship, you've missed the very step you are advocating for the rest of us.
105
@102, if you've never talked about kink but your partner knows you read erotica/view porn, one simple way to open up the conversation is to share a favorite story / video, and ask to see some erotica that turns on your partner as well.
106
I am a 36 year old woman who wants sex all the time. I always have. I exist, fuck you to everyone who claims all women have low libidos. My husband is the one who doesn't put out enough.
107
I am completely amazed at:

1) The number of people who would actually think Dan seriously thinks straight women all hate sex -- have none of you read anything else Dan has ever written?!

2) More specifically, the number of people who apparently didn't remember this letter from a few years ago -- and Dan's subsequent column about how he only ran this answer just to solicit letters from straight women to prove the book wrong;

3) The extent to which the experiences recounted in the linked review are so in agreement with that Daniel Bergner book, which I read on Dan's recommendation. Gradually losing desire from one's long-term partner, the ubiquity of rape fantasies, needing to be the physical object of the desire (I'm a straight woman with a high libido, and honestly, I wouldn't be super turned on by massaging my partner's butt either!)...the whole thing reads like a prequel to the Bergner book. Plus, if I'm recalling correctly, Loh and her husband eventually divorced because she had a (sexual) affair with another man -- her desire came roaring back once a new guy was in the picture. Obviously this is completely unscientific and shouldn't be taken as proof of Bergner's argument, but I'm still shocked at how closely it tracks.

Anyway, I hope re-running this didn't get Dan too much more hate than usual. I'm kind of sad he did rerun it, because occasionally I see memes going around about why no one should ever pay attention to him -- always with quotes that are really old and taken way, way out of context -- and I know resurrecting this is just going to give people ammunition they might have overlooked before. I guess I should find that column that ran the week after this and add it to my arsenal of defensive links.
108
@102: We've had it beaten into our heads that talking about history - the best way to gauge interests and drive - is Bad and that the topic should never be raised. Is it any surprise that libido mismatches happen?

I agree with the advice above. Try to ease the hubby into kinkier ideas. You vowed monogamy, the least you can do is give it your best shot instead of expecting him to magically intuit what you want.
109
@102, I know you're kidding about that phrasing, but: if you say it like that, you're making it entirely about kink. Since it sounds like you want more sex as well as kinkier, maybe that isn't right: the natural response is "I can fix this, by tying you up!" Which might be awesome and everything you want...or might be underwhelming, awkward and awful for both of you, if he isn't really into it at all.

I ask this as someone who has successfully opened up a vanilla monogamous relationship much like you describe. I think it's important to pin down ...as much as you can, things change... what you want before you have the talk(s). "I want a meaningful relationship with a kink partner" and "I want carte blanche to have sex at fetish nights" are both going to throw up problems, but they'll be real different. You can't entirely control what your partner hears when you ask for non-monogamy, a lot of it has to do with his own fears and preconceptions, but you can make sure you know and repeat what is important about the idea to you.

Maybe read the Ethical Slut and/or Tristan Taormino's Opening Up? And be prepared for this to take a while to work out, and maybe stir up a lot of feelings. It's hard work...but I really like the getting tied up and fucked I got out of it, myself!
110
Marrena,
I don't know if you will come back to this thread, but just in case...

Thank you for your book. Due to serious chronic health problems, I had an extremely low libido. Also vaginal dryness which meant that the tissues were easily damaged and, once damaged, usually ended up with a yeast infection. I haven't been able to stick to the diet, but just regularly taking the fish oil you recommended has resulted in a lot less dryness, the complete end of recurrent bouts of thrush, and an increased libido. It really is amazing. Thank you again.
111
@ 27, 46, 47: treehugger, go fuck a redwood sideways. Dan's clearly being extremely facetious in his response, but you're too much of a fucking moron to realize this.
112
Evidence that you're a moron can be found here, btw: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…

(Thanks to #37)
113
Dan your advice is wrong here. Love ya but Commenter 12 is right; women don't have lower libidos, women need more variety. (12 where the hell can we source this? Trying to think of the articles!)

Nicole Daedone's Slow Sex was AWESOME for me. Nicole Daedone's TEDTalk, Orgasm: The Cure For Hunger http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9QVq0EM6…

Also, I am an INSATIABLE woman. I want to fuck 3 or 4 times a day and it just makes me hotter.
114
@ 70: Unfortunately it's been established by multiple legal cases that the police have no special duty to protect anyone unless a "special relationship" exists (ie, that someone is in police custody). See:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_v._…

for a particularly disturbing example. So this doesn't just apply to the NYPD, but to all cops in the US. Everyone should address police officers as "fuck you officer".
115
Dan, I'm pretty disappointed with this one:

"Women have naturally lower sex drives, Sewell writes. It's a hormonal thing. Testosterone makes humans horny, men have way more than women, so men are hornier..."

Sewell is far from definitive on this point. In fact, there's an abundance of evidence that suggests that she's dead wrong. I can't believe you swallowed it and regurgitated it without doing a source check.
116
Richard Dawkins is a racist, sexist piece of shit. And "the God Delusion" is just more of the same.
117
Thanks to all who replied to my query as to what is bad sex. It seems that most of it is bad communication, and some of it might be a focus on a for-whatever-reason-elusive orgasm rather than intimacy and pleasure. And some of it is just chemistry, I guess. I was just wondering, because I've always enjoyed sex; am I just lucky, or just very easy to please? I guess it's both in one.
118
Drusilla,

My bet is that you are relaxed and happy, easy to please, undefensive, not shy about what you want and enjoy negotiating. You go into it with a good attitude and you don’t put your partner on the defensive.

My own experiences of bad sex were not technical, but distress when my partner didn’t seem to care about my pleasure. I’d make one or two attempts to move the action in a direction that would be fun for me or away from a direction that was unpleasant for me, and after one or two flat “nos” I’d give up and stop investing in the interaction.

You’re probably more resilient and persistent than I am, and have a personal style that doesn’t put people’s backs up.
119
@103,104,105, 108 and in particular 109 thanks for the comments. I also see that my Australian sense of humor didn't come across so well! I was literally trying to make a point - how do you say you want to open up a relationship? It's a big question to ask!

With regards to the kink aspect recently I have been trying to drop hints and given specific ideas about what I'd like to introduce/ have more of between us (bondage, dirty talk and rough-play) which he has acknowledged but has never done anything about. He has a lower libido than me too. Therefore I (maybe wrongly) conclude he is not interested in anything other than vanilla sex.

I also find it difficult to talk about what I'd like as get embarrassed easily and if the conversation were to get awkward I'd probably leave questions unanswered, walk away and change the subject.

Is it better to suggest things I think we should try at a 'normal' time of day, when about to have sex or right in the heat of the moment?

We've been together for about 10 years after meeting in college. My desire to be more adventurous in (and out of) bed has developed gradually over the years and I've never really made it my business to 'declare' my interests. I'm aware it will appear very spontaneous and out of character to suggest some of the things I'm interested in, even on a beginner scale.
120
@104: "you instead have gone straight to worrying about how to broach the considerably more fraught topic of opening the relationship, you've missed the very step you are advocating for the rest of us".
Thanks for highlighting this. You've just just made me realize that we're (me and hubby) good at this only within the comfort zone! I think I'm worrying about making a massive leap when the smaller steps are not really a problem. I just get frustrated when his body language tells me that he's not interested.
121
@119: I sympathize with both the frustration and the shyness, but if you can imagine being bold enough to tell hubby, "I want you to let other men get kinky with me," then you are bold enough to tell him, "I want you to get kinky with me." Followed by, "And if you won't, then I'm going to ask you to let other men get kinky with me. Shocked? Well it's time to fucking pay attention to what I want. This is important to me, and you have been conspicuously unresponsive when I've talked about it in the past."
122
Thanks Avast
123
The women with high and even RAGING libidos are out there!!!! I promise! Sometimes they're in a satisfying relationship, and sometimes they're like you, NGU. I am in your boat. It sucks :(, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Wish I could say something better than "we are out there," but that's the best I've got. Talk with the lady in question? Develop really open conversation.

Also? Chocolate is bleh and sex is awesome. I have no idea what these women are thinking, and this book sounds like a complete cop-out.
124
Ah yes, the wonderful world of gender norms and "all men are/want" and "all women are/want."

Fucking quacks, the lot of these authors.

Also I've dated 2 women with high libidos. These books sound stupid.
125
I'm a high libido woman. I'm 40 now, and I've been consistently high libido since I was 15 - through pregnancies, breastfeeding, you name it. I want it about four to five times a week, and I get seriously grumpy if a whole week goes by without sex. That said - I DO get tired of boring, unimaginative, last-thing-before-sleep sex. I don't like feeling like a masturbatory aid. I will have sex any old time at all, but I seldom get really GOOD sex.