I'm on vacation this week but the "Savage Love Letter of the Day"—a.k.a. "SLLOTD"—must go on! Subbing for me this week...
Chris Savage is an industrial chemist by day and Michigan's most widely read progressive political blogger the rest of the time. His work covering Michigan's take over by corporatist Republicans has been featured on MSNBC, The Nation magazine, the New York Times Magazine and beyond. Rachel Maddow calls Chris's blog Eclectablog "The indispensable Michigan politics source—the essential Michigan blog". And get this: His last name is "Savage." That makes Chris the natural and obvious choice to take over the "SLLOTD" in my absence. In addition to his writing, Chris is a local organizer for the Michigan Democratic Party where work is already underway to return control of the state government to Democrats in 2014. He also coordinates a community garden that provides (literally) tons of fresh produce to a local food bank. Chris is married to photographer Anne C. Savage. They live on their suburban homestead just outside of Ann Arbor with their cat and pit bull—that's right, Sloggers, I'm allowing the owner of a PIT BULL to take over the SLLOTD for a week—where they tend a large organic garden. You can follow Chris on Twitter (@Eclectablog) and his Facebook page.
Chris will be answering your questions all week. This is his first crack at sex-and-relationship advice so… be gentle with him in the comments, okay? –Dan
I am a 22-year-old heterosexual female who really wants to fuck my 23-year-old heterosexual boyfriend in the ass. A little background: our 3 year relationship is wonderful and our typical routine includes light BDSM and anal, but with me always being on the submissive end. I've only brought up my dom fantasies once, but he told me that he'd be uncomfortable with me in a more dominant role. He's fine with a single finger in his butt but I want to do much more! My boyfriend is very GGG and indulges all my other fantasies and more, but since he's clearly uncomfortable with this should I just let it go? What should I do?
Begin Ultimate Trapdoor Tryst
My response after the jump...
BUTT, there is something a bit bigger going on here your boyfriend's reticence to you fucking him in the ass. He is uncomfortable because he is afraid of the loss of control he'll experience if you are dominant. This may be just an artifact of what turns him on and what doesn't. However, if he is truly GGG, he should at least be willing to try it.
Where I live in Michigan, the mostly-white, mostly-male Republicans in our legislature have a similar reaction to women: they want to be in complete control and, if they dare to utter even the word "vagina", they silence them.
Look at the rest of your relationship with him, including the non-sexual parts. Is he dominating there, too? Does he prevent you from doing things you want to do because he wants to control you? Is there any other evidence that his dominant role extends beyond the bedroom? If there is, make sure that's something you're okay with before you go any farther with him.
Plenty of couples are perfectly comfortable in dom/sub arrangements of varying degrees including in the non-sexual parts of their relationship. However, if you are NOT interested in being submissive to him in all parts of your relationship and that's his expectation, you need to work that out sooner rather than later. Otherwise you run the risk of being trapped in something that, at best, makes you unhappy and, in the worst case, is abusive. If that's the case, DTMFA.