SL Letter of the Day: POOP!


"Do more than sniff, man." <- I think you won it right here.

Grover Norquist is shitty at sock puppeteering though.
On the plus side, the writer acknowledges that sexual orientation is not a choice:

I'm happy and PROUD that I was not born as a minority such as you.

Not sure how being born is an accomplishment that would merit feelings of pride, though.
A regular Dorothy Parker, that Rick.
I don't know how you keep having these kinds of conversations. I really don't. This level of stupid is so exhausting.
Wow! I was afraid to read this at first, but sometimes you do have to feed the trolls (Lindy taught me that I think). However, I feel like they don't learn when someone speaks the truth, even so beautifully. Instead, I fear they grow more resolute in their convictions. I leave the troll feeding to those more eloquent than I.
This guy is still thirteen years old. And he always will be.
Is this letter from 1983?
You made that guy's day, Dan. That is really what Savage Love is all about.
So entertaining. Thanks for sharing Dan! And for playing along, Rick!
It occurs to me that this could have been titled "Your Wife's a Lesbian, Dude, Part II."
RicKKK sounds like a real winner. The line starts to the right, ladies!
Trying to understand KKKonservatards is like watching the last half hour of The Exorcist. There's just no point in trying to make sense of the deranged, psychopathic bullshit that they say.
Generous use of emoticons in awkward placecs, there xD xD xD
What is xD? Drunk eyes big grin?
I love you, Dan Savage.
@12: I dunno, I made sense of it. "I'm a miserable, self-loathing homo stuck in a conservative, hetero marriage. I feel terrible about my desire for the taste of another man's ass crack and lash out at happy homos who get to lick all the rim they want. I'm so, so lonely."
Rick spends more time thinking and talking about poop than my four-year old. His poor wife! If she actually exists.
Seattleblues pretending to have an Aussie accent.

Why did you bother, Dan?

Also I find it interesting that this guy is so unabashed in his hatred of minorities. Makes me wonder what other minorities he dislikes, hm?
The whole cheerful, "Cheers mate!" business makes it a whole level more creepy.
What makes you think the Governor of South Pellagra wasn't at this guy's wedding, Dan?
@18: You made me LoL.
looks like two boys need to get lives......
I'm sad for all the normal people who will never get a response to their heartfelt emails to Dan.

Made me think that maybe his name is Bruce, not Rick...
He is proud of not being born a minority? First: that sounds a lot broader than sexuality. Second: not much to be proud of, you clearly didn't earn that.
So great.
Sounds more like Rick S.
Make him an unpaid intern with his own column.
My question for these guys is why they spend so much time worrying about the 5% of men who are taking it up the ass instead of the 40% of women who are taking it up the ass. If it is all this poop that freaks them out, there's like 8 times as much potential for poop in all that straight anal sex than in that gay anal.

OK maybe 10% of men are gay. Maybe. But then maybe 60 or 80 percent of women are doing "it". But even if it's only 40, still, that's 4 times as much straight anal than gay anal. No matter how much you 'fudge' the numbers (I kill myself sometimes!), it's straight butt sex that should be keeping these dudes up nights.

But nope. It's the gay butt sex they think about and think about and think about. We all know why.

(On the other hand, this guy is quite a bit sharper than the last couple loose cannon interns. Ansel Herz? My god, I still wonder how they found him. And the other crazy one? Forgot his name already. So yeah, make butt sex guy an intern.)
It's a nice enough exchange, I guess. But his message really lacks a certain something... punchiness, maybe... that would allow it to achieve "Go live in France pussy you faggot" heights of batshittery.
This thread is full of win...

Although it is disheartening to realize just how many mentally stunted people are out there, I think Dan is demonstrating one of the best ways to handle them - with truth, and bucketloads of humor...
Poor Rick. Never stood a chance.
There are two sorts of people who obsess about homosexual sex: homosexuals, and closeted homosexuals.
@28: I was assuming it was our old friend Rick Warren, Saddlebacker extraordinaire.
Rick Warren?
@35 & 36: Damn, you beat me to the Rick Warren connection!
Your patience is extremely admirable.
#10 and #16 FTW. Split the Interwebz between you.
What's Santorum's middle-name again?
I laughed out loud when he said that you "continue to lust uncontrollably over hairy, muscular asses." That's a pretty strange image for a straight guy to have.
I don't feel that I fantasize about heterosexual behavior anywhere close to the amount of time straight people fantasize about homosexual. Maybe it isn't that weird since homosexual behavior is in many ways a subset of heterosexual behavior.

Absolute favorite part is where Dan instructs Mr Straight Guy on the specifics of what constitutes eating pussy.

Rick left out that his wife doesn't like him going down there because he is constantly going for the anus not the pussy.
@42, I would love to fantasize about lesbians. But thinking about pussy just makes me anxious. I was relieved to read in yesterday's thread that the confused penis-hating wife loved pussy the very first time she tried it. I've tried it probably ten times now, and I'm not any fonder than I was the first time. I'm thinking I'm stuck being straight, and I'm going to stop trying to be bi. (Except for touching boobs. Boobs are awesome. But I'll be honest and tell chicks that I'm just a straight woman who likes touching boobs, so they can walk away with their boobs untouched if they mind being fondled by straight women.) But at least I can get off watching MM porn. Hot stuff!
@43 yes.
@40 It's as boring as the rest of him: John.

@41 It's beyond strange. Sounds rather like some sort of sexual fixation. I don't know what sort of straight guy he's supposed to be, but in all my years as a straight guy, that thought has never popped into my head.

Hey, Dan. I spent an hour or so today watching some girl-girl porn (and some girl-girl-girl porn). Among other things, there was some serious ass-licking going on, which I enjoyed watching, along with the rest of it. Even so, I'm still pretty sure I'm not gay. (I might be a lesbian, but I couldn't pass the physical.)
@47 Online at least, I've heard of a number of allegedly straight men and proud homophobes who would explicitly decry homosexuality and all that sweaty, Santorum-stained anal boning TeH Gayz were up to. They claimed, of course, that these "detestable" people and practices had to be eliminated from the world (and the fragile straight man's brain) forever. Never did they think that the far simpler—and more appropriate—solution was just *not to think about it*.

Of course, Dan is right: they're still thinking about it because they LIKE to think about it. Sadly, they haven't the dignity to keep their peculiarly messy fantasies to themselves.

P.S.: Needless to say, rather annoyed at Rick. Partly because of his petty bigotry, but also because said bigotry did a lovely job of killing this straight man's libido for the time being. Bastard.
"You are a disgusting minority and a bully, sir."

Such a short sentence to express such dizzying hypocrisy. I almost admire its concision. But bigots are always more focused on overkill than brevity.
@48 I think my point was that it's okay for a straight guy to like anal sex. With women. On whichever (whose ever's?) end. As for thinking about sex with members of my own sex? It's not like I have to make much of an effort not to. It just doesn't come up. My libido is off happily playing in its own little, hetero sandbox.
We should just title these letters "Seattleblues' porn".
Dont feed the trolls Dan. This guys worst punishment is having to be him.
I love that he felt "buttsniffer" was his most ingenious insult so he stuck with it to the end. Pure gold.
I love that when he's imagining gays lusting after butts, it's specifically hairy muscular butts. What do you want to be that's what haunts his daydreams.
Hopefully your success and supporting public makes some of this stupidity roll off a little easier. It's easy to say fuck the fucktard but sadly this moron and millions like him have power over vulnerable kids.
Hey Rick?
You're not fooling anyone.
Anyone else get the sense this guy was furiously masturbating during this whole exchange? "And I'll bet you have a feces lickin' good time don't cha mate" sounded a lot more like talking dirty to someone during some dom sub sexy time than real insults...
"She just prefers I don't go down there."

I took this to mean they have a sexless marriage.
I think I went to high school with that guy...
1) You have an inexhaustible amount of patience, Dan.

2) I think there may be a link between this level of homo-bigot and someone for whom potty-training was especially traumatic. All the poop anxiety . . .

3) Dan, I understand what you're doing, but I wish you wouldn't hold "do you eat pussy" as the defining heterosexual behavior/gesture. Some straight men really don't like to and some straight woman don't want it. Most importantly, though, it turns sexual orientation into something that can be defined by an act as opposed to an attraction.

3 a) Dan, you frequently point out that not all gay men have anal sex. Do you see how suggesting a straight man is somehow inadequate because he doesn't participate in some particular sex act is a poor example of critical thinking? You've been arriving at this same bad conclusion a lot lately. Every time you ask someone "does he eat your pussy?" I think, why does heterosexuality or straight sexual fulfillment come down to cunnilingus to Dan?
Just another Friday at the office for Dan...who turned this situation into pure mastery of putting a complete idiot (with a serious scat fetish) into place. Thank goodness we all know that most straight men are not at all like Rick W. (or Rick S.) and that eventually, these sad lonely men will give in to their obsessive desires. I hope that when Rick W. does let go & allow himself to act on his fantasies, that his credit card will not be declined.
As others have said: thread=copious piles of win. So, prizes to everyone!
My cat's nickname is "buttsniffer"
EricaP, @45, do you feel a pressure to be/identify as bi?

From what I gather, your GGG card has certainly been validated. Since you have said that female genital involvement is not something you are driven toward, but you are otherwise game...well, isn't that the definition of hetero-flexible [GGG]?

While not a "perfect Kinsey-3" myself, I have had straight/gay/bi/trans family/friends/lovers wonder/insist about what I really am. The resulting feelings of illegitimacy have been a significant hurdle in my life.

In the end I've settled on the clumsy label of "bisexual" because--while I incline to the hermetic for now--I just can't make sense of being only physically involved with only one gender/sex/kind-of-person.

Tl;dr: Yoni/lingam, s'alright...depends on the relationship with the person.
I love how Rick thinks he's the shit when really everyone in the comments know he's just an asshole. I hope he reads these...
Ophian @65: I think your straight/bi/trans family/friends/lovers should take your word for it and leave it at that. You're not hiding or running; you should be able to express wherever you fall on the Kinsey scale without feeling pressure to categorize yourself and without feeling any lack of legitimacy. It's always your call to make as a matter of self-truth, not anyone else's agenda to appease. I'm sure you know this already, but it bears repeating.
@61, oral is pretty much standard equipment now. Can't really have a relationship without it.
That was my first thought too: I love you Dan Savage
Relay my sympathies to your poor wife!

If his wife actually exists (which she doesn't), she'll get no sympathy from me, since she clearly agrees with him, or she wouldn't have married him.
jesus christ you'd think an old guy like you would know this by now.
@61: "I wish you wouldn't hold "do you eat pussy" as the defining heterosexual behavior/gesture. Some straight men really don't like to and some straight woman don't want it"

It's not, but it's a question that would define the rest of his beliefs in the context of the Christian fundamentalist marriage bed.

Plus, body image issues and (separately) loathing the female body doesn't really define the healthy "straight" experience either. There's not preferring it over other things, and there's the complete refusal to address the possibility.
@72 (undead ayn rand): That's a good point, but there are fundamentalist Christians who have oral sex and fundamentalists who don't, so in itself, it doesn't reveal too much. I suppose if the answer to the question was: No, because god says that's a sin, " it could be used as a barometer of fundamentalism.

And @68(gttim): I know Dan has decreed Oral Comes Standard, but when people start s quoting the Word like that, they sound just the same as fundie Christians citing the Leviticus. Dan's column isn't the Scriptures, and he's not God's proxy. Straight people certainly can and do have relationships without one or the other or any type of oral sex all the time, and for many different reasons.

That Dan defaults to it as the true arbiter of sexual orientation is irksome to me.

Ophian: it makes me unhappy to think that your own lovers, those who've seen how much you are attracted to themselves and members of the opposite sex from themselves, question not only your sexual orientation, but your very identity. From here at my dining room table, you seem like a pretty great guy (not to mention one who rocks a pink cowboy hat, which isn't easy), and part of your greatness is that you are attracted to a wide range of people.

EricaP: I think you've been going on a lot of sexually-broadening adventures over the last few years, and have earned the right to say you know you are unequivocally straight. I wouldn't have to try cunnilingus up to 10 times to know that, while I love my own vagina and love to have some good oral attention paid to it, I want nothing to do with anyone else's. I agree with you about the awesomeness of breasts, and I sure can appreciate the beauty of a pair, but I really don't even get off on fondling another woman's, either.
Dan, I'm truly so sorry you have to deal with this sort of intolerance and ignorance. But you handle yourself with intelligence, grace, and dignity. That's one of many reasons we love you so much! Thank you for your hard work.
Orson Scott Card needs to get a day job.
Ophian@65, nocute@73, I think, yes, our culture assumes that women who are sexually adventurous are also bi.

Like you, Ophian, a lot of my friends "just can't make sense of being only physically involved with only one gender/sex/kind-of-person."

Emotionally & intellectually, that feels right to me. And I often find women attractive and like to touch and kiss. But each time I've found myself up-close and personal with pussy, I feel uncomfortable and just want to get out of there as soon as possible. I thought maybe it was an acquired taste, but now I'm not going to do that anymore.

And, nocute @61, I guess all that makes me wonder whether there's something to Dan's suggestion that if you don't like having your face close to a vagina, you're maybe not really attracted to women and shouldn't date women. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I'd certainly be wary of dating someone who didn't like the smell / taste of pussy. Just as the LW the other day should have seriously reconsidered his marriage after hearing that she thought dicks were gross.
@71: Sometimes it is worth it. Like this one. And ask Lindy West if she's comfortable remaining stoic and silent in the face of an avalanche of rape threats.
@77: If Gawker media cared about that sort of thing they'd lose most of their (subliterate and horrid) commenters that stuck around after their redesign nightmare.
That poor couple really need to relax and try some of the things that frighten them.
For fuck's sake they should take a shower first if they think that it's necessary, and listen to Wolf Moon by Type O Negative (it's on Youtube) and really consider that some people survive doing basically harmless acts that turn out to be pleasant and would blow their little minds.
@61, 73, and related: I didn't read that as Dan trying to prove the guy must not be closeted. (Maybe he has done that in other letters, but I'm failing to connect them to this instance.) I read it as, "Gee, someone who publicly and vehemently loathes putting his face somewhere that bodily secretions are exuded, but I bet you do it yourself when we're talking pussy, ya big hypocrite." Only it turns out that, no, he doesn't. He is at least consistent, though it is still mighty pathetic that he is disgusted by his wife's ladybits. Dude, they aren't always covered in poop and piss. Have you never even heard of a thing called a "bath?"
you really should publish his email addy. this guy deserves every bit of derision that will flood his inbox--what he gets for going out of his way to pick a fight with a total stranger (staffer).
"and continue to lust uncontrollably over hairy, muscular asses"
well, well, well
@avast2006: I didn't think Dan was suggesting this guy is closeted. I think Dan was expecting Rick to answer (the question "do you eat pussy?") with a resounding, "yes, faggot!," and then Dan was going to counter with, "well, I find the thought of eating pussy just as repulsive and disgusting as you find the idea of (fill in the blank)," but I don't try to give you grief about your sexual preferences."

But whether he was trying to call the guy on his hypocrisy, imply that he was a self-hating homophobe, or point out that it takes all kinds, he's been using the "pussy-eating card" as the defacto measure of heterosexuality lately, and I just find it erroneous.
At the end of the day, Mr. Letter Writer wanted to know what was "normal" (since he announced his own sexual predilections - or lack thereof). Hate the enemy but ask for his free advice? Sad...
@81: That's a terrible idea and more in line with conservative "values" than what decent people would do.
The RNC asked me to ask you if that guy is available for a state representative seat in 2014.
"Actually I do not eat pussy. I think that is disgusting to put my tongue where either feces and/or urine comes out of. Or in your case, a mixture of both. Do you lick feces, Mr. Buttsniffer?—Rick"

Nearly 90 comments and no one has brought up this -- does he get blowjobs from his wife? What does he think about her putting her mouth where urine comes out? Does he kiss her after she blows him?

If he _doesn't_ get oral sex from his wife, it might very well explain his fascination with gay men.
Actually, I think Dan blew it on this one.
The original message was: "Word on the street is that you enjoy sucking lube and fecal matter from your fairy boy's little bum tunnel. Is this true? HMU! Cheers mate!"

Assuming he chose to respond to this at all, and I think it was foolish to engage with such a dimwit/bigot, I think Dan should have said something like:

"I don't what street you're on, but the information on it is is wrong: I don't enjoy sucking fecal matter out of anything. Fortunately, I don't ever have fecal matter in my mouth, so it isn't an issue for me. But thank you for your concern.

If you are trying to get confirmation that my husband and I have sex with each other, then the answer is yes. But that can hardly be an exciting titbit of gossip. If it is, then maybe you should move on to a different street.

I know you are, but what am I? Infinity.
That guy was a nasty little troll, so I'm kinda surprised Dan engaged him for so long. When he opens with talk about sucking lube and feces out of a guy's butt, the likelihood of meaningful discussion going forward is nil.

There's a quote I try to live by whenever picking my battles: "Some people, if they don't know, you can't tell 'em."

some context will help.

as a lad danny was conked by a can of ham falling from a tall building, that burst open.....
and all of you chiding danny are not looking at the bright side;

at least danny didn't go into his sermon about 'your not doing anal right if.....and if.....and if.....and if...........'
Aww, Ophian @ 65 - family can't be chosen, mostly. But friends and lovers can, and true friends and lovers should not be insisting anything about your "real" sexuality. They should be able to accept & value who you are. Right lolohrone @ 67?
Still Thinking @94: Exactly right.
@86 what does it have to do with decency or good liberal values? the guy threw the first turd, i don’t see anything indecent about tossing him to the cyber lions. it’s not like i said send a lynch mob to his house, for fucks sake!
Dan Savage rocks! Sending hugs for staring down the troll.
The trolls. Don't feed 'em.
Thik he achchha he........ Love is everything
Great responses, Dan, but I could feel your weariness. It's got to be tiring and disheartening to have to deal with bigots like that on a regular basis. It's great that you can do it and still keep your sanity.

Bravo. Don't let anyone tell you you don't have staying power.