This Just In

Comments

1
Wow, about time bro! Now can you work on Terry and then give him my deets? Blessed.
2
How about those Seahawks Dan?
3
Oh ya, and you'll probably want to stop dressing so fancy all the time...
4
@1 - I was hoping to run a conversion on Terry to make him be into dumpy, shapeless guys. What if we do half a gay conversion and share him?
5
Any bets on which third-rate media outlet will mistake this as being real?
7
How long will it take before a credulous xtian group will champion this report as a vindication of their beliefs? 12 hours? 24 hours? Let's start a pool!
8
@5 - I'm just waiting for it to hit Literally Unbelievable.
9
@5 - that's the trouble with the Onion so often: real life exceeds parody.
10
@5 All of them?
11
Oh good, this means you can become a Boy Scout leader.
12
So now Terry is up for grabs? :-)
13
@12 - Get in line. ArtBasketSara and I are already working on it.
15
@4 It's a deal! @12 BACK OFF!
16
"The First Family has adopted a Portuguese Water Man" oh the BEST.
17
Does this mean Dan won't be posting any more of Terry's hot pics on his Instagram account? That is totally unacceptable. Now we gotta send Dan through X X gay therapy. Anyone got a therapist for that?
18
Now the men who think that it's a choice can suck your cock without being gay, because you're both straight.

. . . No, wait, got something wrong there.
19
So, as someone forced into conversion therapy against my will, should I ever find myself in company with the vile creature responsible for that segment (especially the fake web page), what would be the funniest way to respond - elegantly toss a glass of acid into the face? try out a trick guillotine and accidentally release the real blade instead of the fake one? I'm open to suggestions.
20
Any of y'all who think that going through successful gay conversion therapy means no more sex with men haven't been paying very close attention to the many examples. I swear, I think it makes you gayer.
21
@9- yeah, most notably in the last few months, the CNN story where a neighbor framed the Elvis impersonator for the ricin letters pretty much blew the Onion (and Weekly World News!) out of the water! I mean, how can you parody that? Elvis Impersonator framed in Terrorist Plot, news at 11, would have been a totally accurate and CNN-worthy headline. How do you parody that?
22
Mr. Ven, I am really sorry you underwent forced conversion therapy, which furthermore sounds horrible and scarring. If you had been my son (probably unlikely, since I think we are roughly the same age as each other), I would have allowed you to be yourself and retained your dignity and self-actualization. And then I would have met your boyfriend and made sure his intentions towards you were honorable. All of which is my way of saying you deserved better, and I'm sorry you didn't get what you should have.
23
@14,

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
24
I've seen those photos of Terry. There is NO conversion therapy that would pry Dan loose.

25
My thanks to Ms Cute.

I suppose I should add that part of my reaction is based on something very like this actually having happened. One of the driving forces behind an early IGBP forerunner, who at the time might well have been a better-known role model for out gay teen boys than Mr Savage was considered then, did take a Christian turn and undergo some form of conversion treatment, and was last seen living an openly opposite-sexer life, though with conflicted enthusiasm. I read an interview with him about three years ago conducted by his former collaborator; it was heartbreaking.

I don't blame anyone for having the idle wish that Mr Savage might undergo a sort of magical Clive Durham moment, whether motivated by attraction, wanting him on the team, or fantasies about an available Mr Miller. But, whatever this is, it isn't funny.
26
@19/@25 Shit. I will say it was actually really hard to read the fake article part...I mostly glanced through and then went for the joke. I too am sorry/angry that you had to go through that...that anyone has/is. Fuck. :(

Besides, even if there was a way to magically convert someone to being straight...Dan would just become a super LGBT supporter. And then Terry would carry me in his arms and fly off into the sunset?
27
@19 Pretty sure this wasn't about you, but thanks for attaching yourself to Dan's fame. Must be tough living a life being constantly offended by other people's humor. Perhaps you can start a boycott of the Onion and get yourself on TV too!

FWIW: We've all had shitty things done to us in the past by people who thought they were helping us. No one cares.
28
@vennominon

Like many scarring experiences, its mention is only funny to people who didn't undergo it. I'm sad you had to endure "gay therapy", whatver its form ; I've never heard of such stuff in France, but it sounds like intense bullying, and it makes me think of what I've learned recently of the abuses of the horrible industry of troubled youth.

The only thing I can do now for you is be a straight ally, and raise the next generation to be LGTB friendly, no matter what their sexual orientations will be, so that they will grow up either to feel good in their queer skins, or to become straight allies. And gay people can now marry in my country too, yipee !

@MacCrocodile

You better keep your eyes on Terry at all times, ArtBasketSara doesn't really want to share.

@27

Huh. You for real ?
29
@28 Not true! He can have all the cuddling... And this is probably getting weird now. Probably.
30
I usually find the Onion hilarious, though occasionally it seems like the writers take on a subject they actually don't understand and end up being smug jackasses. Whatever, goes with the territory.

But this segment just seemed like... not even a joke? I mean, I literally couldn't tell which part was supposed to be funny. It was a thing that wasn't true, which is part of humor, but it seemed to be missing the... humor. Somebody help me out? Which lines made you crack a smile?
31
@30: Yeah, the irony was very heavy and lacking nuance or satire, it also lacked humor. The Onion has done some good humor pieces around closet cases married to straights, uptight Rs getting found out as gay, religious wack-jobs and their anti-gay edicts, etc, but this wasn't one of them.

Now if the piece had been about Marcus Bachmann "successfully" undergoing conversion therapy, it still wouldn't have been subtle, but the sarcasm would have been a little funny.
32
vennominon - sympathy. I know when people make jokes about the invisible but scarring experiences I've had, it is hard to see how they could possibly be funny. And yet, to those people innocent of the scars, humor runs through it.
33
OMG Fnarf...the stupid BURNS!

Just this week on my Facebook feed, 2 people posted articles from the Daily Currant. One did it as a joke, pretending that he was offended by the article, the other thought it was actually real. In both cases, people with COLLEGE DEGREES (and not from Liberty University) thought the stories were real, and refused to believe the commenters telling them that it was parody. Sure, the Daily Currant isn't as well-known as the Onion, but COME ON!
34
@14

Thanks for sharing that, it's been great entertainment this morning. Even if the people in some of these are posting because they know of Literally Unbelievable, it's still a good laugh.
35
Unfortunately, it wasn't that funny -- something I don't often say about The Onion.