OH I SEE. Now everyone wants to talk about Skittles. Now that Marshawn Lynch takes Skittles showers and wins football games and will now have his own blue-and-green "Seattle Mix" Skittles, SUDDENLY YOU CARE ABOUT CANDY!!! Now? Oh yeah?? SHUT UP. I've been here, for 29 years, LIVING IT. Did you choke down a bag of Chocolate Skittles when they came out? What about the mint ones? Hmm?? Gross! I bet Mr. Lynch didn't even even suffer through the Skittles gum disaster of the mid-2000s. You couldn't not swallow it.

Ugh, or maybe he did, and we should combine our powers for good instead of needlessly feuding. Sorry Marsh, we're cool now, save me some of those Seahawks Skittles.

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Taste the middle one.
  • Taste the middle one.
Anyway, before football so rudely interrupted my winter, I came across something I was going to tell you about anyway, the holy Skittle grail: DESSERT SKITTLES. Yes, they make a kind of Skittle called Dessert Skittles, which is redundant, but whatever, they are delightful. I came across the Dessert option on a recent sugar adventure that started with Skittles Blenders, which are just okay—they're boring and taste too much like the Smoothies variety they had for a while. (And the "two-flavors-in-one" thing is a scam since everything becomes one flavor once it's in your mouth.) I also gave the Skittles Darkside a try, those are maybe my least favorite of the options going on at the Shell Station or QFC right now—reeeeally chemically, and I have a sneaking suspicion they only put them on the market so people would stop whining about the lime situation (they replaced the lime Skittles in the Original bag with green apple; Darkside still has the same exact lime, although it's called "midnight lime").

So, back to Dessert. Always back to Dessert. They come in five flavors, which I’ll list in deliciousness order: raspberry sorbet, strawberry milkshake, orange cream, key lime pie, and blueberry tart. They taste surprisingly accurate to their name; good if separated and eaten by color, but also good if you rip the bag open and pour it over your head, football-player style.