So I turn 42 tomorrow. Please hold your applause until I am dead.
This isnât a post about getting older. This is about disappointment, for I was born on the single worst day in music history. Letâs look at the facts:
Sharing my birthday, we have:
â Phil Lesh from the Grateful Fucking Dead. I could close up shop right here, but why ruin a good thing?
â Mike Love, the guy from the Beach Boys who wears a captainâs hat because of a 73 year old case of early onset dementia.
â Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. They werenât a terrible band, but letâs not kid ourselves, folks. This fact isnât railroading the narrative.
â Sly Stone, who⊠well, ok. I canât complain, but Albert Brooks did, in print, to Playboy Magazine in 1999:
"I opened for Sly and the Family Stone in '73. At that time, Sly was known to snort large cities... We were in Tacoma, Washington, and it was 7 pm and the show was supposed to start at 7:30. His manager came to my dressing room and said, 'How long [a routine] do you do? I said, 'With this crowd, maybe 15 minutes.' He said, 'What's the longest you can do?' I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Sly is in Ohio.'"
"I was off in eight minutes. I swear to God, somebody threw the top of a beer can and it cut me. I was so upset, right before I left the stage, I actually said to the crowd, 'I'm going on Johnny Carson and telling everybody how bad you are.' As if all these people would immediately stop and go, uh-oh."
Not cool, Sly. Also born on this day:
â The lead singer of Dead Or Alive. You know, the guy that got spun.
â Terrence Trent Dâarby and Rockwell. That pairing has the makings of a terrible Freaky Friday reboot. I mean, would you even be able to tell if they switched places?
â Poisonâs Bret Michaels and Sugar Rayâs Mark McGrath. Ditto.
â Mark Hoppus of Blink 182, who shares both birth and date year with me, so if I ever meet him and ask âWhatâs My Age Again?ââKILL ME.
â Will.I.Am, taking this musical March 15 curse into a new generation. It almost makes me shudder to think what future bad rock star is being born tomorrow. And thereâs nothing we can do about it unless we develop some kind of Terminator-type, you know⊠terminator. Hurry up, science!
But itâs not just births that make this a bad day. On this date in 1975, Olivia Newton Johnâs âHave You Ever Been Mellowâ tops the charts.
Starship accomplished the same feat in 1986 with "Sara". Yes, it's a terrible song. More importantly, the momentum started by the loathsome "We Built This City" gains some steam with this follow-up. Next stop: the theme from Mannequin.
That song got nominated for an Oscar and netted the songwriters millions of dollars. Meanwhile, you thought about donating plasma 15 minutes ago.
In other music news on this date in 1979, Elvis Costello throws a fit at a party and refers to Ray Charles as the n-word. Which is funny because on March 15, 1956, the original Elvis signs on with his new manager, the greedy and garish Col Tom Parker.
Anyhow, is your birthday worse than mine when it comes to the history of music? Iâm gonna need some proof in the comments. Winner gets a funny hat, if they happen to find one on the street.