I'm 20 years old and in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of almost two years. We've been long distance since we met in July of 2012, and things have been going almost perfectly until a few months ago. Before I met him I had a history of anonymous sex with men on craigslist. I've recently been having a lot of urges to have anonymous sex again, and in general I've just been having a lot of sexual urges that are hard to satisfy in a long distance relationship. We tried having an open relationship for a short period of time, but after each of us had sex with a couple other men we decided to close our relationship because it left us feeling unhappy. I'm really only comfortable with the both of us having anonymous hookups, while my boyfriend is only comfortable with hooking up with people he knows and is familiar with, which was part of the problem.

Do you have any advice or ideas for what we should do from here?

Gay Boy Problems

My response after the jump...


Unless you guys have a concrete plan that lands you in the same city—and lands you there soon—your best course of action is to officially break up, do whatever/whoever you're both wanna do, keep in touch while sparing each other the details of your (now separate and private) sex lives, and then pick up where you left off if and when you're both living in the same city.

If you can't bear the thought of breaking up and if you can't resist your urges for immediate, real-time, in-person sexual contacts, GBP, the second-best course of action is a Don't Ask/Don't Tell agreement. You do whatever and whoever you wanna do (safely!), he does whatever and whoever he wants to do (safely!), and you—again—spare each other the details.

But way your boyfriend wants to hookup—"with people he knows and is familiar with"—discomforts you. How do you get over that? You ask yourself why it discomforts you. The answer seems obvious: you find his hookup preferences threatening because a known-and-familiar hookup could turn into a relationship. But look around: the gay world is filled with loving same-sex male couples in stable, long-term relationships who met during anonymous or nearly anonymous sexual encounters, aka unknown and unfamiliar hookups. So demanding that your boyfriend adopt your preferred model of hooking up is no guarantee that he won't meet and fall in love with someone else—and it's no guarantee that you won't meet and fall in love with someone else either.