I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Mistress Matisse to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Mistress Matisse is a writer, a dominatrix and a sex worker’s rights activist. She has a blog here and twitter here. The archive of her Stranger column, Control Tower, is here. Mistress Matisse will be answering your questions all week.
I haven't found much information on how to ask a couple to sleep with you, so figured I'd ask the guru! I'm back in America for the summer and recently met the neighbors I share a wall with. I'm a 22 year old female and they're in their thirties. I was up late talking and drinking with them recently and have been fantasizing about having a threesome with them. I've always been bi-curious and am very attracted to both of them. Should I go for it and ask, risking future-but-temporary awkwardness or just enjoy their friendship?
Little Unicorn Seeking Two
Mistress Matisse's response after the jump...
You’re lucky I got your letter, because I have seduced a lot of couples. Based on my vast experience of getting into two people’s pants simultaneously, here’s the advice I probably should give you: don’t hit on your neighbors. If you are dealt a shocked rejection by them, that will be awkward and possibly painful, and if you are met with an enthusiastic initial reception that then turns into a sexual disaster (as these things sometimes do,) that will also be awkward and possibly painful.
However, I myself have had any number of sexual encounters that were ill-advised, but they were also a hell of a lot of fun. And if you’re only living there temporarily? What the hell, LUST, let’s seduce your neighbors!
Here’s my suggested strategy: don’t just drop the idea on the table like a kitten bringing home a dead bird. Although you’ll only be around for the summer – and if you haven’t mentioned that to them, you definitely should – take a week or two to engage in some flirtation and courtship first. Start with her. It’s not true to say that the female half of the couple is always the gatekeeper in these situations, but it’s true often enough to make it a good bet. So if you win her to the idea, odds are you’re more than halfway there.
Seducing a straight (or straight-ish) woman is far less complex than some rom-com movies would make it seem. Who and what you are is not crucially important – the crucial thing is when you’re with her, she feels beautiful and fascinating and special. The first part is verbal: listen attentively to what she says, follow where she leads conversationally, remember what she says for future reference, and whenever possible, say pleasing, complimentary things to her. The second is physical: smile at her while holding eye contact a bit longer than usual, and stand/sit just a trifle closer than necessary. Whatever level of social touching you’ve already established, move that up just a little bit.
There’s a dance to be danced here, so when you do these things, watch closely to see how she responds, and adjust your level of intensity to suit her mood. If she backs up – physically or in her manner – then reel your energy back in without a fuss. Don’t act like a whipped puppy though, and don’t slink off and give up. However, if you initiate a more intimate mood and connection on several different occasions and she consistently quells it - give it up, she’s not into you.
At the same time, court him too – but court him like a buddy. One of the common points of mission failure in a F->FM seduction is triggering a jealousy response in the Mrs, so don’t play the sex-bomb to him yet. At this stage, the idea is that you and he should be friends because you have something in common. (Which is: you both think his wife/girlfriend is HOT.) So, friendly attention and respect, with just a hint of feminine admiration.
At no point say or do anything to one of them that you wouldn’t say if the other was present. Assume they will tell each other everything, and if either of them feels like you’re being a wedge between them rather than an ally, your seduction is doomed. If at any point they openly acknowledge and decline your attentions, then don’t try to deny it, or attempt to change their minds. Just remove yourself from their presence with a minimum of fuss and a maximum of dignity.
If that all goes well, the way I’d bring this to a climax, so to speak, is to invite them over to your place to watch a movie, and drink some wine or smoke pot or whatever. (A movie is a nice lead-in because you can pick out a movie with a hot threesome scene in it.) And there you are, the three of you on the couch, and it’s perfectly natural that you’d turn to them and remark, “You know, I’ve never had a threesome, but I’d really like to.” (Pause) “With a really cool, attractive couple, who have a good relationship, who I really liked and respected. Have you ever done that?” In my experience, if you’ve gotten that far successfully, it is seldom necessary to say much more before somebody starts kissing.
With a couple, the obstacles are more than twice as many. Prepare yourself for the idea that your seduction will fail, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. But do not despair, LUST! Consider this a learning experience. If you’re bi-curious and couples-curious, I assure you that your life will be full of opportunities to be someone’s unicorn.