SL Letter of the Day: Tough Choice


If he is a good guy and a friend of any sort, then 1+1=Michigan
It sounds to me like the husband is not-so-subtly urging the wife to divorce him.

Tell him you want a divorce. His reaction might be (un)surprisingly compliant.
Yes, leave your husband while you still don't have kids together (at least that's what I assume from the fact that both husband & wife are gone 2 or 3 days a week). Your issues with his drinking and the lack of a sexual connection make that clear.

But don't leave him for your Master. You don't know how that relationship will change once your marriage is over. You're still in the NRE (new relationship energy) phase with your Master, and you can't yet judge how suitable he is as a partner for you.

So leave your husband, live by yourself for a while (or with housemates), and figure out more about who you are before you get too serious about anyone else. (You can still date Master, just don't move in with him.)
Hmm. Yesterday and today, both DTMFAs.

At least she didn't start like yesterday's letter writer who's been reading Dan every week yet strangely never figured out where DMTFA applies.
typo, DTMFA applies
as always, I think "where do they find the time?"
I dunno guys, sometimes having that first kid has a way of sorting all this stuff out.
@3: "We have been together for a year. I live with him three days a week."

NRE phase is over. LW and Master already have an established part-time live-in relationship. So, this wouldn't be leaving an existing shitty partner for an unknown new partner—it would be ending a shitty part-time relationship and further committing to another existing relationship. You're making the mistake of treating non-monogamy like serial monogamy—these relationships are simultaneous, not consecutive.

It seems to me that LW's submissive tendencies may be preventing her from fully realizing that she does not deserve to be neglected and abused by her husband. Clearly she's attracted to the "good wife" trope, but she's already living that role in a more satisfying way with her Master. She should certainly leave the husband, and carry on with the Master. My only reservation is that she sounds like an unethical dom or master's ideal victim. She ought to learn how to leverage what she has to offer to get more of her needs met more often. It sounds like she may be able to do that with her existing Master, so long as she realizes that she still has agency—and both the privilege and responsibility of making at least some of her own decisions.
She should chuck the husband regardless of the Dom. It sounds like the husband has been given a million chances already. If he can sleep soundly while she's freezing in the car—neither taking her side with his host nor adding his own body heat to the cramped back seat nor waiting for alternate arrangements—then he takes his spousal duties far less seriously than she takes hers. However, I'd advise LW to wait a while before committing to a romantic relationship (note I said committing and romantic) with the BDSM master. She should let her emotions shake out first and figure out who she is on her own.
I agree that a little time on her own would be good for her. She's spent her entire adult life with this jackass, and that's going to have coloured her ideas about, well, everything. What she really wants out of life, what her strengths are, what her dealbreakers are, who she is .....

Break up with your husband, keep seeing your Dom, and take a year making your own choices and fulfilling your own needs.
Actually, LOVE, it sounds as if you are a good wife--to your Master. He's a better "husband" than your legal husband (whom I'll call LH). Kick LH out--he can go stay with one of his asshole friends who wouldn't let you in the apartment (or was it hubby dearest who made you sleep in the car?) or any of his other asshole friends. Your LH may not beat you, but he sure does abuse you. He doesn't care enough about you to ensure that you get some happiness from the legal relationship.

Now it could be that your Master is content because he knows that the sort-of commitment you two have is as far as you go because of your legal entanglement (I refuse to call what you have with LH "marriage"). He can play at being husband/Master to you because it's only part-time.

I agree with the others that you should spend some time alone before diving into any other romantic entanglement. You don't know how your Master will react when you cut LH loose. And given that LH has been your own relationship, you don't know what a healthy one looks like.

Good luck!
Dump him for you, honey. You're worth it. Keep serving your dom if you need the wifey fix, but toss that toxic drunken bag of disrespect.
It sounds like she has also been a sub to the DH all this time. He's been punishing her even though it's not within the confines of the dom/sub game, and with none of the rewards. This is real life, not a role-play. Time to see it clearly & then stop that cold.
I hate to armchair diagnose someone. But MH:

- Does not want to have sex with his wife
- Is not affectionate with his wife
- Has history of cheating on her with men
- Drinks and plays video games to the extent you have to wonder if they're escapist for him.

There are a bunch of dots there which one could connect here, and coupled with the fact that they got together while very young, it's not completely unreasonable that her husband may be closeted to a certain extent.
Right royal mess you've got yourself in. I can't believe women are still putting up with these douch bags .. And that men are still behaving so badly. Step up; Men. Step up. And women, as soon as the benefits are outweighed by the shit; get the fuck out. No behaviour improves if you keep accepting it. Of course, one must do some fine tuning- but if the man isn't aware of the work he needs to do on himself, then it ain't worth the effort.
Dear girl. Walk away from this (husband) man. Done your yrs of wifely servitude. Walk away, very fucking quickly. Now.
Honestly, I think this letter must be fake. How could any woman put up with this guy's bullshit and still say she loves him? I would've been outta there the night he made me sleep in the fucking car.
It's kinda earth-shattering to realize that "everything we thought was wrong". When you get together with someone while you're still young & sorting yourself out, it's hard to have any concept of what you'd be like without that person in your life.

The problem with telling LOVE to DTMFA, although I agree in spirit, is that if she's been isolated from her friend sby her husband, & pretty much the only friends she has are through her Master, then that's some pretty slim pickin's to have somewhere to *go*, once she leave her husband. Which I hope she does! There's bound to be people she could be happier with.

In an ideal world, LOVE would have family or a friend she can stay with while she recovers from the shock of the new, & the divorce, & everything. I think it'd be much healthier for her to have some time on her own before possibly committing to her Master full time. But if the choice for her is either/or, sure, "choose" the Master..just please, don't move in with him right away, if possible, LOVE.

Also, before you take this leap she should let her Master know, because it's easy to be super hot & everything on weekends because - like someone said above - the situation has self-imposed limits.

@6 agreed.

I'm not sure if I should be jealous of their ample free time and energy or happy I'm so busy with job and family I don't have the time to get into so much trouble.

Too bad we didn't get the long story.
Is this one of those situations where the man has no interest in his wife anymore & does everything he can to avoid and sabotage the relationship, but is afraid to leave her because she is so dedicated and so good to him and it would hurt her so much if he dumped her after all she's done ... After all, who wouldn't get addicted to all the attention and sympathy? And the wife, not knowing better, tries so hard to fix the marriage and if she only works hard and is better (which in her mind doesn't rule out falling for the guy she is seeing on the side) it will get better, right? And other than her play partners she's never really been with another man and the idea of loving anyone else and breaking up is so contrary to what she wanted in life.

I could be so totally wrong, but minus the alcohol, the marriage, and the play on the side, this sounds a lot like my first couple relationships. It hurts, but trust me girl, you'll feel so much better when you leave.
Your husband is gay, and you are stupid.
@EricaP: But don't leave him for your Master.

I don't know about that. It's hard to imagine this one surviving all on her own.
I have to agree with #3 and #9. DTMFA but don't jump into the dom's arms just yet.

LOVE is asking the wrong questions here. The question isn't 'how can I fix my marriage' [you can't unless hubby is willing to work with you] or 'should I leave my husband for another man', but 'why am I putting up with such bad behavior'?

I mean the hubby has shown time and time again that LOVE's well being doesn't matter to him. It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's playing HALO and watching GoT, if he's not there when the chips are down, and is willing to throw you under the bus to make his own situation easier, he's not worth it.
What is up with the recent letters from wives discussing how terribly their husbands treat them, and then adding, "He's my best friend"? Best friends are supposed to listen to, stand up for, and take care of each other.
Mr. Ven, are you planning to write up a HA response? Except for the LW wanting to be a "good wife," nothing else indicates the hetero nature of the marriage. Do you think our advice would be different if the LW were male? Or conversely if the LW's husband and Master were women? Would posters be more encouraging of trying open marriage? It seems like the drinking and poor sexual connection dooms the LW's marriage in any case.

But maybe if posters thought the LW were a guy, then we wouldn't see posts like @22.

Also wanted to say to bittermint @16, I'm sure there's more to the sleeping in the car story. Like she was banned from the friend's house for acting crazy, or something.
I give 3 to 1 odds the master is worse than hubby. Brand new to the scene and lives her life in a constant state of denial. I've seen that way to many times.
MH is so cartoonishly villainous that I'm not sure this letter is real either. When you were homeless he secured a warm bed for himself but made you sleep in the car? In actual real fucking life?

Anyway, assuming it's all true, you should certainly divorce your husband at least a year ago (preferably you should've turned around and kept walking the moment he suggested the car as a solo camping experience). But for god's sake talk to your master, because you're considering an "open relationship" without any indication that your master wants an in any way altered relationship with you. Leave your husband for your own sake, and don't expect or force your D/s relationship to change.

P.S.: Gay sex counts as real sex. Your husband has cheated on you at least three times.
You dear woman, I hope you're reading the comments here.

I have been married to an alcoholic and some of your complaints were my own. The isolation, the blaming, the lack of care... he will not get better. He cannot get better. He is incapable of change. Leave him and do not look back (and do not have three kids with him). Leave. Now. You are so far into this, you cannot see how messed up this relationship is. Leave, get perspective.

If your Master wants you to live with him, go for it, but consider living on your own and having relationships while living on your own. Doing so helped me regain the confidence lost during a too-long marriage to a drunk.

Leave your husband. He is heartbreak and financial ruin to you. Leave.
@27 no. It can seem cartoonish, but after having been married to a drunk for a decade, I can attest that some messed up shit happens when you're in the middle of it and you don't even realize how messed up it is until you've gained distance and sanity.
Honey, it's okay. You're gonna be okay. You need to leave your husband; I know it's tough to see right now, but you'll get a bit of distance and realize you had every right to leave and no reason at all to feel guilty about doing it.

Keep seeing the dom, since he makes you happy, but I - a lot of us here - encourage you to be on your own for a bit. You were with your husband your whole adult life, and now you need to find out just who you are yourself and exactly how much awesomeness you're capable of. It'll be really hard at first, but it'll get easier, you'll be really glad you did.

DTMFA. Hang in there, sister.
Ms Erica - I first saw both this letter and the previous day's letter well after midnight. My Homocentric August instinct was that they both provided excellent evidence for the argument that heterosexuality (or opposite-sexerism, if we're being explicitly bi-inclusive) is *not a choice* because who on earth (other than the Masochist of the Millenium) would ever choose a relationship (let alone a lifestyle) like either this or the one from the previous letter? Not wanting to risk the doubtful state of my post-1:00 am coherence, I settled for a non-HA observation.
EricaP, I'm not sure why you leap to ' banned from the friend's house for acting crazy,' with not a lot of evidence of inappropriate behavior from LW.

Given the contents of the letter, I'm leaning more toward 'LW objects when MH and friend get shit-faced, and is labeled a harpy shrew'.
@clashfan, sure, your interpretation makes sense. I do wish the LW would explain what happened, that time "he made us homeless and MH stayed warm with a friend where I wasn't allowed so I slept alone in a cold car."

Was it one night or was it longer? What does "homeless" mean in context -- did he get them kicked out of a hotel for excessive partying? Had they been fighting? Had she been drinking too? ("My Husband (MH) knew alcohol was a problem for me.") How cold did it get that night?

Another point I would love to hear explained: "I went from the zero friends MH allowed me to twenty four friends!"

Apparently MH let her have BDSM play partners for thirteen years but wouldn't allow any friendships. And now that she spends three days a week with her master, she does have 24 friends. Does she keep the friends hidden from MH, or does she just call them play partners so MH doesn't suspect her of having friends? I'm so confused...
Bad Husband = Do What You Want. Okay? And of course, you remain free of Responsibility and Accountability, as always.
@32 My thoughts as well. That or the friend who wouldn't let her in the apartment either is or is close with the friend who assaulted/attempted to rape her and was holding a grudge over the accusation. Not sure why "has a dick friend who won't offer his wife a couch to sleep on" is any less believable than the many other shit qualities described in the letter--like fucking her relatives, racking up expensive DUI-related legal bills, and not giving a shit when his friends assault her.

Letter writer: like everyone else said: leave the husband. You say you have 24 friends now, who (even better!) you did not meet through your husband and will have no loyalty to him. I bet at least one of them will let you stay on their couch while you do whatever you need to do to start supporting yourself and living on your own, whether that's finding a job/car/apartment or just getting your head together.
Abusive marriage is abusive. Get out.
For some reason I'm feeling a whole lot better about my life right now.
I'm a bit shocked to see Erica bring out the old 'she must be lying' chestnut. I mean the husband doesn't give a shit about her so why would his friends? And I'll point out that one of these friends attempted to rape her, making me that he's not hanging out with good people.

I have to agree ith @32 and @35. If she was kicked out for 'acting crazy' that may really mean she was kicked out for wanting her husband to take responsibility for his actions and to treat her like a person.
@16, you'd be surprised at how many women insist they love their shitheel husbands/boyfriends in spite of the horrible treatment they dish out. This is probably especially true when it's her first (only) adult relationship.

I don't know whether LH is gay or is just a truly inconsiderate jerk, but her relationship with her dom has showed her what a good relationship can be like.
I know that LW (not personally, but 90% of it applies). She made up most of her mind to leave her douche husband...who promptly went off the fucking deep end. No sense of boundaries: screaming, cussing, e-stalking, telling any potential close friends and family that she was a cheater, hitting both himself and her, etc. Real charmer, right? So, of course, given all that attention, drama, and proof that he really cared, she opted to "be the good wife" again and, you know, really throw herself into her marriage again. Maybe one day he'll let her have friends again...or leave the house on her own.
How was she not "allowed" in her husband's friend's house? I don't understand. Did the friend say, "yeah, you can sleep here, but your wife has to sleep in the car?" Or was it the husband who didn't allow her into the friend's house? Either way, that's super fucked up.
@43 Most probably the husband and the "friend" fucked that night, and neither of them wanted her in the house.

As for fucked up things one does when being manipulated, I did knowingly receive my husband's mistress family (mistress, husband of mistress, 3 kids) over new year's eve 2006. Why ? Mr Fuckbrain had me believe that the alternative was taking me and our 3 kids, among them an 8-month toddler, to the mistress's house, and leave the baby there overnight if he went to sleep. Hurt me or abandon my baby ? The choice is clear, please do hurt me.

Besides, I needed a wake-up call on how fucked and egocentric he was. After that went through, I was never anymore in any doubt over who was the real bad spouse in our marriage.
I agree with EricaP pretty much the whole way through these comments. And she hasn't said "she must be lying," she's said there's a lot of information missing here, which is true. There are a number of plausible explanations for why she was compelled to sleep in a cold car while her husband stayed with a friend, and some of them include the husband's friends banning her for previous behavior; I do think it's very possible that what they'd consider "crazy" is just the LW standing up for herself/calling out her husband for his shitty behavior. However, all of this is speculation, because the LW gave us very little information regarding that incident.
@38: "I'm a bit shocked to see Erica bring out the old 'she must be lying' chestnut."

Why? She generally tends to stick up for the husbands in these situations.