SL Letters of the Day: Who Am I Cuckolding Here?

Comments

1
Eh, he's probably still Mr. Complete Dick. He's just on his best behaviour right now because he's suddenly getting what he wants. I doubt he'll be able to maintain that charade in the long term.
2
I agree that such a turnaround is unlikely to last, but I think along with enjoying his good behavior while it lasts she can also use this time to save up money in an account he doesn't know about so that when Hyde shows back up she can book it out of there with kid(s) in tow.
3
I get why the husband likes the idea of randoms: less chance of emotional attachment that he needs to be jealous of.

On the other hand, there is no way she should be coerced into fucking randoms she's not comfortable with. Way too much risk. And she needs to get some enjoyment out of it too, or why bother in the first place.

If this is going to work at all (which I'm somewhat skeptical of in the first place), then they need to negotiate a way for him to satisfy his kink in a way that she can feel safe and comfortable. If they can't get to that place, she should say no. Her safety should be a non-negotiable price of admission.
4
He may use this against you later. I'd DTMF as soon as you can afford to.
5
If he's been a cuckhold this whole time and scared to tell her his fantasy/fetish, it may explain why he was a surly dick. If she's happy doing the cuckhold thing, then maybe his personality change is permanent. But still, yes, hide money away like @2 says jic it turns sour.
6
Is there any chance he plans to use this "cheating" or "promiscuous behavior" against you when you leave? Could he want the kids? If you don't have something proving he's not just ok with but a part of this then I would be spending more time with a lawyer then a fuck buddy right now.
7
He unilaterally demands that she fuck men that fit his criteria, and she thinks that is Mr. Nice.

She should DTMFA, GSFTA [Get Some Fucking Therapy Already], And we should all hope these folks don't scar the kid too badly.
8
@7 FTW

He's not being a "nice guy" now, he's being a manipulative control freak.
9
I'm usually in favor of keeping marriages together, but in this case I think she shouldn't lose her momentum and shouldn't fritter her energy on fucking new guys for him.

She should get out (as she was planning), and then date other people. If she wants to date him too, she can do that, and even share stories with him of the other people she's dating. But she should absolutely declare her independence and not stay under his thumb. Once he's learned he can rope her back in by being charming for a couple of weeks, he's going to be addicted to the drama and control, and they're going to spiral into a seriously abusive cycle.
10
So she went from strictly vanilla to "coming home with stories", plural -- without having actually completed her negotiations about who does and does not get vetoed -- in the space of a a whole, coun't 'em, three weeks? And yet she complains that in the past he has been "distant, angry, critical, and accusatory about me being with other men?"

And on top of that, "I had been staying with him for financial reasons, and out of the fear of being a single mother,"

So the big picture is that a) it's pretty clear that she doesn't dig him but doesn't mind using him for his cash, and b) on the topic of fucking other guys she already has several she's "good with", and is perfectly happy to go from zero to sixty in nothing flat -- but it's clearly all his fault for being surly and accusatory about other men.

Why am I getting a serious "unreliable narrator" vibe?
11
I gotta agree with #6 and #7, Something is really off about this whole situation and I'm wondering if it's some sort of bizarre trap he's laid out to justify his insecurities, or a way to manipulate and control her into staying by using her actions against her.

DTFMA.
12
He's being Nice Guy because he figured out she was about to leave him. As soon as he can figure out a way to sink some emotional hooks into her that isolates her and makes her more dependent on him, he'll turn up the heat again. This is classic manipulative asshole behavior.

Having her fuck complete strangers is not only a control thing for him, but it also prevents her from cultivating male friends who might lend her emotional support when he starts applying the thumbscrews.

Get out now.
13
What @8 said--control freak.
14
lots of good comments on warning signals and the fact that he may just be a manipulative asshole. But, taking this narrowly and assuming that it was all about the cuckolding fantasy . . .

fuck guys you are comfortable with and then tell him the stories. But, instead of talking about Joe, the barista who likes to flirt, make it be about Simon, the made-up hot waiter from the fake bistro where you had lunch. You can even make it clear to the husband (or boyfriend) - you won't do this with randoms but the stories will be.
15
AFAIK, cuckolds normally don't get to dictate how their partners go about it. Warning bell #1. There's way too much other odd stuff, such as her financial dependence on him yet desire to leave, to see this working. I wouldn't hang around waiting for the his personality to get ugly again. If she'd already planned to leave, does she have any money squirreled away? Sure hope so.
16
@15: "AFAIK, cuckolds normally don't get to dictate how their partners go about it. Warning bell #1."

LOL. Warning bell, srsly? Now that's stretching logic. People get to have their fantasies in a way that makes them feel reasonably safe about carrying them out. Using your logic, a woman with a rape fantasy who wants a safeword is a control freak, and you should dump her ass immediately, because AFAIK, rape victims normally don't get to dictate how their partners go about it, either.
17
@15, continued: That doesn't mean she should acquiesce to fucking randoms simply because that's the way he wants it. Her actual safety matters just as much as his feeling safe about it. Of course it does. I wouldn't say her safety matters _more_ than his feelings, merely just as much -- meaning that if you can't both make your self be safe AND him feel safe, then it shouldn't go forward.

Because surely you realize that if you do this in a way that makes him really unhappy, against his express wishes, he has every right to dump your ass for that, and if you do it the way everyone here is advising you to, and get caught, he probably will. All the folks advising you to fuck who the hell you want and lie to him about it are conveniently ignoring that risk.
18
Sounds very toxic. Do you want a toxic life, LW?
If you're worried this man is unhinged, then perhaps you better follow that feeling.
19
@15 "cuckolds normally don't get to dictate how their partners go about it. Warning bell #1."

Ugh, what? As in any open relationship, both partners get to set the rules, unless it's a complete and utter 24/7 D/s scenario.

Regardless, their relationship sounds completely fucked up.
20
Wanted to leave him because he's a controlling dickhead, is unable to see how the "nice guy" routine and cuckold demand would be yet another manipulation. Start up the leaving him process again.
21
Apparently there's a child or children involved. Be careful he doesn't use this cuckold thing against you if (when) you eventually split!
22
@17 "I wouldn't say her safety matters _more_ than his feelings, merely just as much."

That is fucked up.
23
@10 and not just coming home with stories in the matter of 3 weeks, but also it having a noticeable impact on THEIR sex life in that time span.

Something does seem off. She says that her partner would get accusatory about being with other men, but apparently had a few friends that she could fuck on a moments notice. While she may not have cheated and fucked guys prior, she probably gave off the vibe that she wanted to.

Also, its not clear what she means by "random guys." Does he just want her to have one night stands with guys she finds on craigslist, or does he just want her to find guys that are outside of their current social circles who even could become an ongoing partner. The former is clearly an unreasonable, while the latter is a legitimate request. Fucking a coworker or someone in their group of friends greatly increases the likelihood that he'll be outed as a cuckold to people he knows. Plus, I could understand not wanting to see your partner's fuckbuddy in social settings.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on her partner and already fucking these friends and is just trying to parlay the cuckold revelation into the ability to keep using her partner financially while also continuing to fuck these friends.
24
@ 22 is right. That is fucked up.
25
@17: "All the folks advising you to fuck who the hell you want and lie to him about it are conveniently ignoring that risk."

Personal safety > this douchebag's rules which do not take her feels into account.
26
There seems to be a lot going on here that isn't being fully disclosed. But, taking the letters at face value:

She should leave him. Let this be a relationship lesson he learns for his next wife or partner. And ffs, she needs to take some responsibility for her own life and financial well-being. Sticking in a bad relationship for the money is fairly rotten and not doing the kid any favors. Also, both parents should continue to co-parent regardless of the breakup.
27
My gut instinct says get the hell out. Controlling assholes who do complete turnarounds generally have less-than-altruistic motives. If there are kids involved, and if there is a big financial disparity, he has a lot to lose financially if she leaves. If he can make it ugly for her by gaining the ammunition to call into question her morality and fitness as a parent in the eyes of the legal system, this would certainly increase her barriers to an already difficult separation. It would also likely not play out in her favor, if he has the cash to hire aggressive attorneys and push the issue. That may not be what this controlling asshole has in mind, but it is what a LOT of controlling assholes do, in fact, do. Ask me how I know.

Anyway, the fact that this cuckhold thing appeared out of nowhere at the very moment when he would most benefit from her fucking other men, especially random other men, is suspicious to me. It is the exact kind of thing that would be most damaging to her - falling for a male friend who she knows and is comfortable with, for example, would be far less damaging to her standing as a parent. Why give this guy that kind of chance when it's the well-being of your kids at stake? Get out.
28
I'm not sure how being a closeted cuckold leads someone to act like a controlling, demeaning asshole but maybe that's me. Way too many inconsistencies and issues here to be a good situation. Good rule to follow in relationships: if someone's bullshit is so convoluted and complicated that it takes a magic bullet-type explanation to justify them they are too fucked up to offer anyone a relationship that is healthy. GTFO and find a therapist to help figure out why you would put up with this crap.
29
@17 Two things. First her safety matters more than his feelings. If he's asking her to put herself at risk to fulfill his fetish then I would ask why stay with someone who has so little regard for your well being?

Second I don't think anyone is saying that she should fuck who she wants without consequence. Most people are pointing out how fucked up this situation is and how she shouldn't trust her boyfriend father than she can throw him.
30
Really people? Your shocked and suspicious that a woman could find a man within her circle of acquaintance and/or outside it to provide NSA sex within 3 weeks?
I mean, I ain't all that but I know where or who I could go to to get NSA sex within the hour. These aren't people I'm hot for but they aren't gross and they give off a "would hit it if..." vibe.
31
Cuckoldry is (and should be) a female centered dynamic wherein she is the focal point of attention from her cuckold husband and her lover. She should set the parameters, set the rules, and by all means she and she alone should decide who she wants to date/fuck. Otherwise, its just some sort of wife watching/swinging thing with a husband topping from the bottom. :)
32
"Cuckoldry is (and should be) a female centered dynamic "

As practiced? Probably not.
33
"Otherwise, its just some sort of wife watching/swinging thing with a husband topping from the bottom"

But no swapping.
34
@22, 24, 25, 29: Can you people even read? I said if it is to happen AT ALL, it needs to be safe for BOTH of them. That means safe for her physically/emotionally, and safe for him emotionally. If they can't satisfy the safety concerns of BOTH of them, then it doesn't go forward. That makes them equal concerns, because either one individually constitutes a binding veto.

I'm NOT asking her to just do what he says. For gods' sake, fucking read.
35
@31: Nice in theory, but there is this concept of safeword that still applies. She may "set the rules" but he either agrees to them or it doesn't happen. If he does not agree to your rules and you do it anyway, that isn't cuckold fetishism, it's just plain old cheating

Further, if you go about this without checking in with your cuckold partner over whether he is in fact happy, emotionally safe (whatever that means in this situation), and getting his needs met, you will find him yanking the emergency brake on your activities as soon as any of the three get unpleasant enough for him; and if you try to ignore getting safeworded, too, under the theory that that's just not proper cuckolding, you will likely find yourself in the middle of a messy divorce.
36
@30: I'm not "shocked," I just see more than one way to interpret the narrator.

The first way is that he's just a negative, controlling asshole, and he wants her to fuck randoms because he gets off on that, and doesn't give a shit that it isn't safe for her.

The other is that his worries about her and other guys aren't mere paranoia and it was making him unhappy; that his bringing up cuckolding was actually an attempt to try to come to terms with that rather than have her walk out, but that her fucking friends was still more threatening to him than he could handle.

There were a few things about the way she laid out her narrative that hinted that the second way was a possibility.
37
We side with #1, as there is no immediate reason to assume she's lying with "Prior to that he had been distant, angry, critical, and accusatory about me being with other men. I had been staying with him for financial reasons, and out of the fear of being a single mother, before deciding to suck it up and dump him. Then came the big reveal. I had recently told him how much I had come to dislike him and how bothered I was by the disrespectful way he treated me. He claims to have been awoken by this and changed from Mr. Complete Dick to Mr. Nice Guy overnight."

#2 would be more plausible lacking this context.

If she's lying, she's lying, however there is nothing describing #2 and plenty in line with 1 (though not quite as cartoonishly as you describe it, close enough.)
38
Granted, the best solution is to avoid the situation entirely if she doesn't respect or trust him, as is clear. The argument over what is understandable (not even "acceptable") is worthless for us all. Do pathological manipulators (as described/perceived/believed) stop being manipulators because they get their way?
39
@31: This is that "true submissives don't need a safeword" bullshit again. I thought everyone was past that?
40
@39: Well, I don't think there's much more than the usual poster who romanticizes that behavior.
41
@31 In any power play dynamic, its the submissive setting the ground rules. And in a cuckold scenario the sub is the male. Of course since she is fucking other people she can has a say in who she fucks and can say "no" about any particular person for whatever reason, but ultimately the male is running the show.

Really, if the sub isn't in control of the situation, its abuse.
42
"true submissives don't need a safeword"
"if the sub isn't in control of the situation, its abuse."

Well, as someone who has been doing this 24/7 for twenty years... I think safewords are just a tool and most people don't bother with them once they understand their partner's moans & other noises pretty well. If I yelled out STOP CRAMP STOP FUCK! my dom would check in with me even though that's not an agreed upon safeword.

Also, I don't really care if you think I'm in control, or if you think I'm not in control but I'm in an abusive relationship. I know that I'm not in control, and I know that it's not abuse nonetheless.
43
@42: Also, I don't really care if you think I'm in control, or if you think I'm not in control but I'm in an abusive relationship. I know that I'm not in control, and I know that it's not abuse nonetheless.

But do you see the really important distinction between saying that about yourself, and someone who doesn't know you saying it about you? Saying "I'm good with this" is totally different from a stranger saying "Because of the rules I just made up, you're obligated to be good with this." 31 was doing the latter.
44
@43, true, I'm not trying to defend the nonsense posted @31.

I'm just commenting that one can't tell whether a relationship is abusive merely by checking for safewords and who is running the show.
45
Sigh.
46
@44: Oh. I agree, though fwiw I'd say that if a partner stops when they hear "STOP," then "stop" is a safeword, even if the negotiation wasn't explicit--the default is that everyone has lots of safewords. Usually when people start talking about safewords, though, I think what they mean is that they're trying to have fewer (sometimes only one). That's a tangent, though.
47
@46: There's definitely more than a bit of sophistry that goes on with these discussions.

"Ow, that fucking hurts!", Cacao, whatever you want to call it.
48
Technically, "STOP CRAMP STOP FUCK" isn't a safeword. Wikipedia says: "Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity."

Empirically, it's true that my husband will pause to investigate and make sure he understands the situation. But once he has adjusted the ropes or whatever to his satisfaction, he doesn't need to renegotiate to get back to what he was doing.

In that context, "Help" or "Cramp" or "OW OW OW" don't count as safewords, but rather as communication so that the top has the information he or she needs to proceed.
49
@46 - "stop" is a word, not a safeword. Everyone has lots of words.

Safewords are specific words, which have been negotiated to mean specific things between two people (or between party-guests and their hosts, in the context of party-specific safewords like "Red" or "Safeword.")
50
@48: "In that context, "Help" or "Cramp" or "OW OW OW" don't count as safewords, but rather as communication so that the top has the information he or she needs to proceed."

A safeword is used instead of "Ow" but means the exact same thing.

Which is why it's silly to brag about not needing a safe word because you say "Ow". Maybe it's sexier to think that there's a difference and you "don't need a safeword" but it's exactly the same thing in practice.
52
Hah, noooooo.
53
LOL.

Anyway, my point was that if it's a word that makes your partner stop, then it's functionally a safeword, even if the partners don't call it that (or are unfamiliar with the term "safeword"). People into BDSM tend to make their safewords specific (and their safeword negotiations overt) and other people tend to make their safewords vague and to do their negotiations much more sloppily, but the purpose and function is the same.