This is hard to share. I'm not even sure why I'm doing it except lately it has all been rising to the surface and there doesn't seem to be a specific support group out there for my kind, at least not yet. I am female, born this way. I am technically heterosexual. Hopefully what comes next will explain the "technical" part.
I have always been obsessed with male genitalia. Since I was quite young. It wasn't something I talked about I hid it from everyone. I was fortunate that my mother didn't push female indoctrination on me when growing up. If I wanted legos, GI Joe action figures, transformers or other boy toys she would get them for me. Everyone else in my family would give me typical girl gifts—especially dolls even though I a fear of dolls growing up. This in itself is not an indication of anything different about a child but for me it's a jumping off point. I did my best to conform. In grade school I was constantly having mental battles within myself to always be the best at everything. But most importantly I had to best the boys. I was trying to make up for the fact that I was girl by trying to beat the boys at everything. At the same time I always preferred male company. When puberty hit I resented every change my body went through. I hated breasts and yet I was given an abundance. I hid my period from my mom for two years (don't ask how) because I was so embarrassed that I was stuck with this "girl" thing. I didn't know how pretty I was. So there was probably a plethora of guys who were probably interested and I wouldn't even recognize their glances. My self abhorrence took precedence.
In high school I tried the "girl' thing of putting on makeup and trying to dress sexy. I dated what always seemed to be abusive and selfish men. Constantly intrigued by their bodies but always dissatisfied sexually. I didn't know why I seemed to have an insatiable sexual appetite or why actual sex always seemed so lackluster. It wasn't until I was 19 that I realized people didn't think the same way I do. I was driving with a college friend and a song on the radio came on I blurted out, "Doesn't this song make you want to to do anal?" She looked at me incredulously. When she started commenting I realized she thought I meant someone doing anal to me. In my head I had always visualized anal as me pegging a guy. (But that term didn't exist back then.) I let her think what she wanted and that's when I knew I had a secret. I didn't desire men in the conventional way. I wanted a man the way a gay top wants a man.
This epic letter—quite moving and unlike any I've received before—continues after the jump....
Shortly thereafter I met a guy who I fell madly for. Unfortunately it wasn't until the end of the relationship that I broached the subject of anal play. He let me do it—he was never shy about trying new things—but we were both young and things fell apart. Next I tried dating a guy who claimed to be "bisexual" and I thought it would mean he would let me be myself with him sexually. I was rudely surprised. He firmly rejected the idea of woman pleasuring him in that way. I was shocked and hurt by this. I couldn't find pleasure with a straight man and I couldn't find pleasure with a bisexual man either. I joined a fetish group that talked openly about all sorts of fetishes, but pegging didn't seem to come up. There I met an FTM transgender person and I was immediately intrigued. I had so many questions but I was always too shy to ask. Later I thought maybe I was transgender myself. But when I started hanging out in LGBT communities I realized that I didn't belong because my alternate lifestyle was considered hetero.
I use to pretend to be gay guys online and have cybersex because it was a way to play out my fantasies but overall I was a person without a community. I researched things like phalloplasty and hormone therapy but the results are not to the level that I would hurt my family or others by making a change so severe. And after reading many transgender stories I wasn't sure that was actually what I was. So I spent a great deal of time in isolation.
A decade later that guy I fell madly with came back into my life. This time I told him upfront what goes on in my head and he accepted it. I shied away because I was so use to rejection. It took seven years of marriage and working though many barriers before we could both fully open up to each other. I found out that he had experiences with men because he desired penetration but he was not attracted to men at all. This makes me wonder, when it comes to gender identity, if there isn't a greater area of grey between male/female. I naturally take charge and exhibit dominion—not femdom really or dominatrix, more like the Matriarchs in ancient religions—and my husband naturally bends to my will and subs to my sexual desires. He sees me more as a "shemale" with interchangeable parts. (That's a word some people take issue with, I know, but we only use it privately.) We even found a way to attach a vibrator to my strap on so I can spoon him while pegging him and climax while inside him. He's addicted to this and I am as well. He says he can feel my energy pass through him when I climax and it sends him up a wall.
This is significant for me, because in many respects my adult sexual life has been about unfulfilled fantasy. So I want to thank you for creating a term ("pegging") for this fetish of sorts because it's much simpler to say and explain now. I wish there were more support out there for women like me because for some of us it's not just a kink. It's a lifestyle. It's an identity. People like us—my husband and I—could use support and understanding. Even though we are "technically" hetero the gender lines are not as clear cut as the world might think. There is a large area of grey. For me, there are still thoughts of feeling short changed in the genital region and I doubt they can ever be fully realized, but this gets me closer.
There are a lot of guys who post about having these desires and there is a lot of insecurity. They fear that they will be rejected by their women. Women may think this means their guy may have gay tendencies. (Given my experience I don't think pegging a guy means he's gay, because if that was the case he would have probably sought out male company.) It would be nice these guys knew that there are women who are not "femdom" types who share their desires. But most women like me have probably spent a great deal of time suppressing this—suppressing our real and true sexual identities. And it would certainly have helped me accept myself sooner if I had known there were other women like me out there.
In any respect, thank you for opening a door on this topic so that our community might come into the light.
Girl On Top
Thanks for sharing, GOT. I don't like to push the "there's lid for every pot" myth because it's just not true. But it certainly seems as if you found yours.
Here's hoping your letter inspires other women like you—and the men who bottom for them—to come forward and create the community you seek.