SL Letter of the Day: Straight Woman Finds Ideal Mate—But Where Is Her Community?

Comments

1
No reference to this http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives… ? Dan, you're too modest.
2
I wish she had shared her method for combining a vibrator with a dildo.



Also I don't think being a dominant woman is the same thing as having a different gender identity.
3
@2 My feeldoe actually comes with a built-in place for a vibrator in it. Other strapless strap-ons have them as well.



Thanks, LW. I'm probably a bit younger than you, but I have a similar story--I always attributed my desires to being bi, until I was informed by various partners that NO, this was not "normal." I got lucky with my current partner, though, as she's a kinky transwoman (we started dating when she still identified as male) who likes nothing better than for me to fuck her with a strap on (and I like nothing better than to indulge her).
4
@2 There's also a difference between being a dominant woman and having body dysmorphia. The letter writer seems to describe a sense of unease with her body, as if it does not fit her or have the right body parts. While being transgender without body dysmorphia has been discussed in some places, although it is less common than being transgender with body dysmorphia, this is perhaps the flip side of that. Not being transgender, but still having a body dysmorphia that one would usually link to a gender issue.

I'm glad she's found a resolution she seems happy with.
5
Dear Penthouse....
6
@4 That's a good point.
7
At last, a letter writer of a long letter who can write! And glad they found each other again.
8
Awww, that's sweet...and hot.

What about Gender Queer. She is cis and digs men, but does not identify or comfortably function [socially, sexually or amorously] in "female" ways. Isn't that Gender Queer?
9
Agree @8, I thought I thought this kind of situation was why we had that term.
10
@8 She may well be. But it's really something she'd have to decide for herself. I do think that it'd be something she might want to consider. Part of the question would be, would identifying as that make her more comfortable or feel more understood? I do think that the various ways in which a person can be genderqueer are generally not talked about enough, which does make it more difficult for people who are genderqueer, but not mtf or ftm to figure out their gender issues.
11
Man, the day fully-effective and reversible gender reassignment surgery exists (and becomes available and affordable), these people are going to have so much fun I'm almost jealous.

Though someone very much like them is probably going to start identifying as an MTFTMTFTMTFMTMFTMTFTM (pronounced "straight").
12
This reminds me a lot of my wife. She's always hung out with guys - including gay and bi men, had a lot of stereotypically "male" interests, and a good many habits that are usually the sort of thing that women complain about their husbands. Like not putting the toilet paper on the roll or leaving their socks on the nightstand. There are so many such habits and behaviours that I hardly even remember what many of them are after 13 years together.



And yes, she loves to peg me. It's one of the reasons I married her in the first place! And she's not interested in fucking me with a dildo that *isn't* attached to her pubis, because that means "she's just a girl fucking me with a toy". She wants to fuck me like a boy, instead.



Likewise, I have a strong girly streak in many areas. I like playing up the role when she's pegging me for sure, but just like her, it also extends into many other areas of my life. I have little to no interest in sports, especially things like hockey and football. I do most of the cleaning around the house. I nag her for leaving her socks on the nightstand and the toilet paper off the roll. And I have the lower libido (not catastrophically - she'd just prefer to fuck every day, whereas I can't even manage more than about three times a week).



The term we've always used for this arrangement has been "role reversal". I thought it was a common kink - it certainly does have its following on Fetlife. That, and a few groups like "women who like to fuck men like they're boys" and "pegging party".
13
I want to know what the song was!
14
From the letter:
Later I thought maybe I was transgender myself. But when I started hanging out in LGBT communities I realized that I didn't belong because my alternate lifestyle was considered hetero.
This really puzzled me. The author seems obviously trans to me (assigned female, rejection of female roles, disgust and embarrassment at a female body, etc.), or at least genderqueer. But she didn't think she belonged under the LGBT banner because of a hetero relationship? For one thing, I know plenty of straight trans people. For another, if you're FTM, and you date guys, that's not hetero, even though you may have a vagina while your partner has a penis.

Anyway, I'm glad she has found happiness, I'm just scratching my head at some of her thought processes.
This makes me wonder, when it comes to gender identity, if there isn't a greater area of grey between male/female.
This is most certainly true. Gender is a spectrum, just like sexuality is.
15
I researched things like phalloplasty and hormone therapy but the results are not to the level that I would hurt my family or others by making a change so severe.



"Severe"? "Hurt my family"? Look, if transition isn't right for you, that's wonderful, and power to you for knowing that and finding a way to be fulfilled as the person you are, eschewing restrictive labels, etc., etc.. Seriously. But the fact that you make being trans sound kind of like burning your parents' house down for shits and giggles makes me doubtful that you've really given any honest thought or study to the issues. If you're trans, transition is not a severe change that hurts your family. It's just a major change that saves your family all the hurt of watching you be perpetually unfulfilled and/or miserable and/or self-destructive and/or suicidal. Don't pathologize people who do transition.
16
This letter is utter bullshit. Even if we assume this is an actual person and not a troll--she has no real problem. So she writes this "epic" letter because she wants to--what, exactly? Brag?

Shame on you Dan for falling for it, and commenters for indulging it.
17
Dear GOT, you don't need to find people that have the same fetish as you in order to find a community. I'm sure there is more to you than your sexual preferences. Hobbies, interests, or undiscovered interests. This world is full of wonderful people , no need to be isolated, just reach out to folks similar to you in some other way, if you can't find too many that are similar in regards to fetishes.
18
@16 there is no requirement that a letter writer to the savage have a problem, only that it have entertainment value. This letter provided a ton of that IMO.
19
OR... maybe... maybe the fact that she doesn't ask a question... is... her... question!

*BOOM* that's your mind. Blown. Your welcome.
20
@16,
Meh.

I have no doubt Dan gets shitloads of all kinds of letters asking all kinds of questions... or no questions at all. It's his column, his choice, he can print what he wants. I don't mind the occasional odd duck one like this. They can't ALL be shit eating fetishists or we'd get bored of shit eaters. And then what kind of life would we have?
21
A gay top? I thought all gays were bottoms? Souds like this woman is full of absoulte shit. but than again most women are
22
@16



You are right this letter is horseshit. What it is is a woman lying about herself to try and fit in where she doesnt belong. This entire letter read like mental gymnastics of a cunt
23
The lesbian community can be very exclusive. I came out very late (when I was in my mid-fifties) and found lesbians my age to be very judgmental and rejecting. If you don't fit into exactly what THEY consider to be Gay you can't be gay. This women is probably gender dysmorphic but she has found her place. If she hadn't, I would hope Dan would have suggested therapy for her to figure out what she wanted and how she fit into reality. As a trans person or a person who just likes pegging others, how can we say what it would be? She is happy now and I am glad for her.
24
There is, maybe not community community for her out there, but certainly others of similar inclinations. While the picture most people have of femdom is the male fantasy of femdom with corseted women in stilettos wielding whips, that's more on the paid professional side. There are a few flavors of lifestyle femdom--I have a book at home, can't remember the title now, written by a female dominant that described the common types of female domination, ranging from the standard D/s type, to Mommy/Adult Baby type, etc., and one of them was Goddess domination. So it's a thing.



I'm in a similar boat with the LGBT community. I tack on a Q and round myself up to queer, since I am a female dominant attracted to crossdressers. Technically that makes me hetero, but not the standard flavor. But yes, it's safer just to say one is an ally rather than trying to be in that community. And joining a community of female dominants is like herding cats. The letter writer, if she is at all religious, might find she feels most at home in the pagan community where women like her and relationships like hers are more numerous (including the gender-bendery thing).
25
By the way, GOT may want to read The Woman in the Shaman's Body: Reclaiming the Feminine in Religion and Medicine by Dr. Barbara Tedlock. It explains how there actually used to be a place for women like us in tribal communities (and men with two spirits too). Interesting historical and anthropological read, might help GOT find her place in the world.
27
So many different topics under one letter!

1. Heterosexual non conformity

2. Body acceptance/dysmorphia

3. 'Butchness' and 'femmeness' as non gender-specific variations

4. Pegging.



Even without the specifics of pegging, I suspect there are a vast number of 'non-standard' heterosexual people who lack established pathways to connect.



Including me.
28
Surprised nobody mentioned this: Autoandrophilia

What this woman needs (and fortunately for her there are plenty) is a nice autogynephiliac. Or maybe nobody mentioned it because it invokes Ray Blanchard, and I know he's not universally accepted (to put it mildly; vilified by some is probably more accurate). Still, it seems to me that as a woman who loves all things male and masculine so much that she gets off on the thought of being a man, what she's looking for are men who are so into all things female they get off on being a female (the old bon-mot: "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body")

Where is Marrenna? She seems to go for this type and might have some tips.

I am glad Dan reminded everyone that not every pot has a lid...nice this lady found hers.
29
Doh! @24 & @25 - I should've read all the comments first...my bad.
30
I don't think it is rare at all. I'm in my late 50s, and the description I have used for years is that I am a butch straight woman, though bisexual would be more accurate. My most intense sexual fantasies have been of being a gay man, though I also fantasize about women. I did marry a man who likes to take a passive role in life, though he was not willing to experiment sexually. He is in a nursing home now and I hope I will get a chance to have some of what I have missed.
31
All I can say is that you are not alone. I really enjoy pegging as part of my "genderfuck" fetish. I am a cis female, never identified as trans, but am quite androgynous -- I was NOT given an abundance of breasts; this lack of female secondary sex characteristics led to some gender questioning and exploration when I discovered the LGBT community in my 20s (I am bisexual). I have always been attracted to effeminate men and tomboyish women. I am currently poly. One of my partners is into all things kinky. He sees being made to cross-dress and being pegged as submissive/humiliating activities. I merely see them as getting my genderfuck fetish fulfilled. I am GGG and try to incorporate some BDSM into the pegging and gender play to make it more fun for him. We recently went out on a traditional male/female date, both cross dressed. Lid for every pot indeed!
32
It was that Blur song, wasn't it?
33
I am the same way. I prefer pegging to more conventional sex. It is not a widely discussed thing so guys usually react strongly because it shocks them. I feel like there is such a small possibility that I will meet a guy and he will be into the same thing and will want to have that be our main way to have sex. Fetlife affords some possibility of connections but honestly it scares me.



For me, pegging is an accurate expression of my sexuality. I don't enjoy being penatrated, it just does nothing for me physically or mentally. I have never been sexually abused or anything like that, I've just always been this way.



Although sometimes I fantasize about sex with women, (I always have a dick in my fantasies), I primarily fantasize about men. So it's not a sexual orientation problem either. And if it weren't so hard finding guys who were open to the idea, it wouldn't be a problem at all.



I wonder if we could come up with a better term of identifier for women like this. On fetlife I identify as a Top, but that term doesn't belong exclusively to us.



Sidenotes:

There is a podcast with the word pegging in the title (can't remember right now) that is super hot.



The double-sided dildo or feeldoe is the way to go. I have never needed a vibrator.



Thanks for sharing!

Namaste :)


34
I'm guessing Nine Inch Nails - Closer?
35
@28, concur. Especially telling are the various flavors of "trans experts" telling her she's doing it wrong.
36
@28, concur. This is the flip side of my own story. Especially telling are some of the responses from "trans experts" telling her that she's doing it wrong.
37
Thank you, GoT, for writing this letter, it was as though someone took a page from my personal journal, although I have yet to find the man who will be my partner in this! I love being a cis woman, I love men, but I have never had as mind blowing sexual sensations as when I am pegging. I don't understand why I can't find a man who enjoys women's bodies and minds, AND enjoys being pegged.... it is pretty lonely.
38
@33 "I wonder if we could come up with a better term of identifier for women like this. On fetlife I identify as a Top, but that term doesn't belong exclusively to us."

And likewise, a non-dismissive term for men that keep wishing they could meet women like you.
39
This is me me me! So glad to hear from a woman who experienced the same desires. Although I was always out about it growing up and my friends supported and understood, and anyone who was interested in becoming my boyfriend knew the price of admission was his ass. I never wanted to be born a girl, but after puberty there was no more passing as a boy, I got a knockout shape but because of my own discomfort with being female I didn't really attract the right attention or have the confidence to use my body to go after the men I liked until my late teens 16-18. Now I happily dress feminine and wear makeup. I also liked to dress men up in my girly clothes before I fuck them. Lifting up a miniskirt to peg a man is insanely hot. I married a hetero flexible man who accepted me the way I am from day one. On our first date I talked about wanting a penis which had sent other men running for the door. He thought I was awesome, and had never had anything up his ass before, but we took it slow, literally with a pinky during oral, then a finger, then two, then a small plug, finally we used a strap on, slowly, for a while then back to oral. Eventually we had eased into it enough that I could really fuck him the way we both like. I'm so happy for you, and I think more women should express their weird desires and not be ashamed.
40
@33 @38 maybe something simple like a pegger? I would love to find a pegger.
41
To the letter writer: thank you so much for this letter. You explained it in a way I could never explain. This is me down to the wanting to top/want a man the way a gay man wants another. Unfortunately,I come from a conservative background that thinks anything other than straight is 'unnatural'. The last time I had sex was in 2010 with a guy who understood partly where I was coming from and is bisexual. After him, I started identifying personally as asexual. It's so hard to find men who want to receive anal sex from a woman,but they're all foaming at the mouth to pitch.



My family used to explain away my need to dress like a dude as 'oh she grew up with brothers and there were no girls to influence her'. At one point,they thought I may be a lesbian,but other than appreciating boobs on other women(I'd gladly cut mine off), I'm into men. I'm even attracted to gay men,but straight men do almost nothing for me. Sadly, a gay man won't look twice at a woman,so...



Long story short: thank you letter writer for putting into concise words what I could never do. Will I express my 'sexuality' openly? Probably not,but it's good to know I'm not the only 'weird person' out there.
42
I used a feeldoe on my husband a few times, at his request. And I loved it! I identify as straight & like dicks. But, there are some women I just want to kiss. I've had such a crush on some women that I couldn't think or speak properly.
43
Thank you so much for your letter! I relate to this so much (my boyfriend's nickname for me is Top Girl) and I wish there were more of a community!
44
@40 - Sometimes the most obvious answer really is the best one. And a guy who wants to be with a pegger is a peggee.
45
The OP isn't nearly as unusual or alone as she thinks. There are plenty of het couples who have a power dynamic and a sex life that is "opposite" to the stereotypical norm for het couples. Most of these individuals have spent years trying to "find themselves" and failing, in one dysfunctional relationship after another. It seems that things generally seem to start clicking around age 40-50, though that number is probably only so high because of social pressure. I hope the letter writer realizes that there is a community and that femdom doesn't only mean the various flavors of sex workers in latex catsuits.
46
@28, yup.

@31, awesome.
47
I absolutely LOVE fucking guys with a strap-on. I also love my pussy, though, so I'm not like you in other ways. I suppressed those fantasies for decades. When I brought them out for exploration and examination. I was floored to find there were so many guys looking for exactly what I want to give them. Straight guys and Bisexual guys, too!
48
This letter gives me hope.
49
This letter could be describing me. She's not as alone as she thinks she is.





The first time I remember having those feelings about gender was when I was four or so.
50
I love her. This is one of the best letters I've ever read here.
51
I'm so glad you wrote in, because the whole time I was reading I was thinking how much this mirrors my own experience. You are not alone!
52
Confused now: why do so many respondents seem to think if you're the one penetrating your partner, or wanting to, you must be dominant? Wouldn't that make being a het femdom who likes PIV a logic fail? Or non-d/s coupling that involves penetration, generally? Is being engulfed in someone's mouth/ass/vagina inherently dominant? WTF?
53
There's a lot of conflation going on here in these comments, @52. Not just penetration = dominance, but wanting to penetrate and feeling masculine during sex being conflated with liking stereotypically masculine things and hobbies and the reverse (the guy talking about not liking sports, for example.)

It's really amazing and awesome so many people are becoming able to break out of societal strictures and molds to find what really works for them, in their sex lives and normal lives. Let's not bring giant fragments of the broken molds, like one-dimensional definitions of gender, along with us.

(For what it's worth, my favorite hobbies and movies are mostly loved by men, but I like to wear lingerie and get fucked hard and thoroughly, and I'm a submissive. So...yeah. Not a single setting, here, we're complicated.)
54
I think if you gave 100 men and 100 women instructions to hump an attractive person's leg for 10 minutes, many more women would reach orgasm during. Opposite the dog stereotype. I've heard of many more women than men reaching orgasm through dry sex; I think the clit is linked to abdominal humping muscles pretty closely in women. Also from the pillow humping cliche. So I expect that most women who like butts a lot are going to like pegging. But I expect more women like humping a guy while making out.

Anyway I can empathize with liking pegging and butts, but not so much with wanting a penis. I've thought a lot about how it might feel to have a penis, and I'd try it for a day so I could satisfy my curiosity but I don't think that's what GOT means.
55
This is me! Thank you for sharing GOT; I was rapt. I always just called it being a 'tomboy'. I've deff been one of the suppressed ones tho; or maybe I'm just a little less grey than you, as I do find some fulfillment in hetero sex. But I've talked every one of my boyfriends into letting me peg them at some point. And when i jackoff I've always (since age 9) pictured myself as a guy screwing a girl in the ass or mouth.





I've never wanted to be male, I've discovered too many benefits to having tits ;) Your letter described my life/adolescence perfectly though; the competitiveness, the self-abhorration.... All excepting the ideal partner who knows about and supports the hard-to-define sexuality. I have a great male partner (of 8 yrs), but our sex isn't great, and I suppose it's probably because I have not inquired of myself enough about what I need sexually or discussed with him how to go about getting it -- as you have clearly done, and well!





THANK YOU for the identifying yourself, and giving me a kick in the ass to do the same. You're awesome, GOT.






56
Oh LW, this letter could have been written by me. Except for the discomfort with a female body, everything you wrote rings true for me as well. The way you put your desires, "wanting a man the way a gay top wants a man", perfectly encapsulates how I've felt for so long. I'm aroused by the idea of being the dominant penetrator in a sexual relationship, but lacking the biological equipment, that stayed in my fantasies until I learned about pegging. I'm currently involved in the kink community and have found a welcoming home here. I'd encourage the LW to give kinksters another chance - femdom isn't the scary, corseted whip-wielding dominatrix that pop culture makes it out to be. I identify as a femdom with pegging/anal play as a large part of my sexual identity, and you'd hardly tell me apart from some vanilla gal on the street. It's about the energy exchange and the specific erotic desire to be the dominant sexual partner.

Also, might I suggest to LW a new toy that's going on the market: the Ambrosia Vibe by Orgasmatronics. It's a strap-on with an attached bullet vibe for the lady, but the unique thing is, the vibe reacts directly to the amount of pressure/stimulation on the dildo! So a light stroke will result in a small pulse, while steady stroking will give stronger sensations. I pre-ordered one and can't wait to try it out :) I think given the LW's description of her sex life, she'd really enjoy this toy.
57
Good for everyone finding fulfillment, but a MAJOR objection to claims from women to want things "just the way gay men want them". Nothing wrong with straight women wanting things as straight women. I don't appropriate from them, and would appreciate their not appropriating from me. Sorry, am about to time out, cannot elaborate.
58
I don't think it was meant to appropriate, but to characterize wanting a man as the sexual aggressor and penetrative partner in the relationship. Except for a small corner of the kink world, women are always cast as the passive/receptive/physically weaker partner in a sexual relationship, so it is difficult for people to imagine that power dynamic inverted - not in a "woman as seducer" role, which is how female empowerment often plays out in the media, but "woman as taker/conqueror", very much a stereotypically masculine role.