SL Letter of the Day: Give Up Already

Comments

1
Great advice.

That video was...a thing, I guess...
2
"Hey, guess what - I've been seeing other people for a couple years now, just like you did from the very beginning."



"Noooo... Baby, stop, I'll be good, I proooomise..."



Feh. No sympathy for you, jackass. Just be grateful she didn't kick your ass to the curb years ago.
3
This guy is an epic piece of shit.
4
Good luck with the syphilis …. you’ll need it.
5
Where does one buy a vinyl Mickey Mouse fetish outfit?
6
I didn't need to know that vinyl Mickey Mouse suits were a thing. However, considering all the videos Dan must have at his fingertips - at least I'm not pouring boiling water on my brain right now.

"Da Nile" ain't just a river in Egypt.

The wife was hopeful the first or second time he cheated. She was in denial by the third time they went back for counseling. She eventually accepted what the marriage is, what it isn't, and started to plot her own course.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot, the husband is deeply in denial, "I really don't think she wants an open marriage. I think she landed on this option given my actions." He's imagining he has some control of what she wants because while HIS fooling was okay (with him), HERS is not (with him).

Dan addresses the monogamish issue and, duh, if they are going to stay together, it will be with a rather long list of additional players.

He's a control freak. There was the thrill of cheating being something he is putting over on his wife. And not seeing her cheating as a way forward, and the permission slip that it is. He gets to cheat. He gets to keep his wife. He gets to stay married and raise the kids. Yahtzee! But "I really don't want to have an open marriage" really means, "I don't want HER to have her own sexual agency, only me."

They should be monogamish - obviously. They just be honest about it for a change.

He's a control freak - also obvious, but less amenable to a solution.

7
Three things the LW needs to examine before he embarks on an open marriage:
1. Running up hundreds of dollars on credit cards behind your wife's back is not cool when you've got a couple of kids who presumably need to be fed and clothed. You need to reach an agreement about how much the two of you can spend on extracurricular activities.
2. If it's okay for you to sleep around, it's okay for your wife to sleep around. Period. You can't be jealous that your wife is seeing/fucking two other people when you've been fucking around on her since day one.
3. If you've been fucking around on your wife but don't want an open marriage, maybe what turns you on about fucking around on your wife is doing it behind her back.
8
didn't earhart want an open marriage because she was a lesbian?
9
Who the fuck has time to be polyamorous at this level, presumably maintain a profession, AND raise children? On the one hand I feel very judgy, on the other hand, I want to know, in earnest, how do you do it?
10
@4

Yeah, now God is going to punish them. Somehow over 10 years of multiple partners they were protected by what? Guilt? But as soon as they carry on the same as before, but without all the lying and the guilt, then now all of a sudden they don't know how to avoid syph.

Haters gotta hate, eh? Probably jealous they have the nerve to do what you only dream of.
11
Fuck other people, stop fucking other people, open your marriage, close your marriage, who cares at this point?

I really don't think she wants an open marriage.

I kind of think she might.
12
@nocutename: Where does one buy a vinyl Mickey Mouse fetish outfit?

All I know is that the gloves should have three fingers.

PS. Spoiler alert - he comes at the end.
13
You're funny , Dan.
Story for the ages. Hope the kids get five minutes of their
Time.
14
An open relationship might NOT be the solution here. Yeah, some people cheat because they need sexual variety, but some people cheat because the relationship's in a slump and they're looking for attention elsewhere, or because the relationship is totally dead and they're emotionally pretty much single, or because they're not attracted to their partners anymore, or because they can't bring themselves to ask for the kind of sex they want with a partner they care about, or because they want revenge on their partner for something they did, or because they've got poor impulse control, or... a ton of other things, really. If the problem is ASS and Mrs. ASS needing variety, an open relationship's going to solve their problems, but if the problem is literally anything else, opening the door to outside fucking and not doing anything else is just going to make a bunch of new and exciting issues pop up.

So yeah, try the open relationship if you want, and if it's important to your wife. But for god's sake, you need to be in therapy, and you need to take it seriously if this is going to have any chance of working out... or if your next relationship is going to have any chance of working out, because maybe your marriage is pretty much fucked at this point, I don't know. Find a sex-positive therapist who's not going to be dismissive of people who want more sexual variety, and approach it not like you need to will yourself to stop having affairs, but like you need to understand why you keep doing this when it's not what you say you want and it's not actually helping you be happy. Open relationships make a lot of people happy, but they're absolutely not a cure-all, and going into one thinking it's going to magically solve all your problems is a recipe for disappointment.
16
@8: Yay! Bi erasure!



ASS: "I really don't want an open marriage"? Bullshit. You've proved over and over again that open is the only kind of marriage you'll participate in. Oh, I'm sorry, you meant you really don't want YOUR WIFE to have an open marriage. Sorry, son; fair's fair. If sleeping with other people is something you simply can't live without, which seems to be the case, you've got to grant your wife the same freedom. You're lucky she hasn't dumped your ASS yet. Now thank her for proposing to legitimise what's been the case all along: you're not monogamous, and you're not required to be.
17
How could his wife forgive or ever trust him again? This guy lied for *their whole marriage*.

Repeatedly throughout their whole marriage, he has made it clear that his desires far outweigh his wife's happiness. HE may be saying everything else is great, and they don't want to split, but it sounds like she's sort of checked out of this marriage. Why would she be loyal, honest, or loving to a guy that has made it clear that his wife is an enemy, an authority figure he has to hide his desires from?

When you're with someone that has lied to you repeatedly, you have to ask yourself if you even know the person. If this guy could convincingly lie for years on such an important subject, how could you ever trust his word on anything? This was multiple times, over the entire course of their marriage. He's NEVER been honest. Amazing now that she has moved on and started to do things for herself and be happy, NOW he wants to be serious about their marriage. What if she agrees, doesn't see anyone, commits herself fully to the marriage and tries to make it work, and then he lies again? But he's really serious this time! Really really serious! Not like the last time! Why should she spend another couple of years denying her own happiness for this schmuck, on the off chance that this time, really, for sure, he isn't going to lie again.

I hope for his wife's sake she doesn't buy this line of bullshit, and continues to pursue her own happiness rather than tying her emotional fulfillment to this pile of poop.
18
They should count themselves lucky, in fact, that they're BOTH like this. Most people like ASS--most non-monogamists in denial--end up married to people who wouldn't accept an open marriage. These two are a true match!
19
girls girls girls....

Wife doesn't want an open marriage

she wants to be able to date and fuck other men until she finds her next hubby

then she'll flush ASS out of her life
20
and their marriage isn't already 'open', as Danny asserts.

they are just cheating on each other.
21
This letter makes me SO glad I finally left my piece-of-shit ex. That asshole and I were in an open relationship and he still lied and hid stuff and decieved me. Some people are just narcissistic and cannot let anything get in the way of their (however fleeting) desires.

My advice for him: accept that your dishonesty and selfishness has irreparably destroyed all trust your wife ever had in you, and likely your marriage as well. Every time you lie to someone, a little piece of their love for you dies. You belong in counseling on your own to discover why you repeatedly put yourself ahead of your marriage and family and how you can build yourself up so that you don't destroy the things you love. Likely you have hard things to look at, and sorting it out will be painful, but you will likely find some healing and peace within it too. Take this time to grow as a person, and maybe a side effect will be that your wife falls back in love with you. But even if she doesn't, you will be a better dad and a better partner in the future. You can't control her; you can't even control yourself, and every effort you make to tell her what's right or what she should do will only drive her further away. You have zero credibility right now. If you can't do the hard work and you can't take her fucking around, get out now before this gets any worse for your kids. Hating each other is going to be hell on them.
22
I sadly agree the troll that the wife doesn't want an open marriage...she wants to leave him behind, and will dump him when she finds the right guy. In the meantime, "open" to audition. Can't say I blame her a bit.
23
I really hope that the wife goes on to have many wonderful and rewarding relationships/encounters over the years, and he is left at home with his dick in his hand. What a POS.
24
>It started with online sex chats and running up hundreds of dollars on credit cards.

I wrote this stupid piece of shit off right then and there. What a weak bitchass.
25
There is so much denial and lack of communication in that letter I have a really hard time believing the cheating is the only problem.

I guess that if it is the only problem, and they somehow communicate openly about their kids, future plans, daily life, etc then an open marriage might work. I do hae a hard time believing it.
26
Wow, the letter-writer doesn't own his behaviour at all. It's almost like it was written in his voice by someone who can't quite imagine his [own] motives.
27
Dan, I agree with you, but I believe that a successful open marriage or successful polyamory probably still could use some couples counseling. Learning to communicate and make rules that both can live by is a life skill society had not taught us. Open relationships can bring up some of our deepest issues. We are not always capable of facing those alone.
28
"I really don't want to have an open marriage"

You should count your lucky fucking stars your wife still wants a *marriage* with you. You betrayed and hurt her more times than I could bother to count, and that's just the brief rundown of your decade with her. You gave yourself free reign to sleep around behind her back, but when she does the same you freak out.

I think dude has some serious control issues and needs to get over himself. Your wife is actively trying to find a way to make this marriage work, and you're stifling that because of your own bullshit. You both can have everything you want, quit being a douchebag.
29
The problem isn't deciding what type of relationships are right or wrong, the problem is a monogamy vs non-monogamy, as both are valid choices and both choices should not have to put up with disrespectful bullshit from mr sass and mr asshole



the problem is with dip shits like the letter writer believing that the way he is treating his partner can somehow still be justify himself believing he loves his partner. That is not the way you treat someone you supposedly love, for fucks sake his behavior does not even qualify for the level of respect that needs be shown to those you do not love in terms of metamours in different styles of non-monogamy



His speech sounds just as ignorant as the classic seattle ignorant shit advice advice/IT violators give/invade
30
The problem isn't deciding what type of relationships are right or wrong, the problem is NOT a monogamy vs non-monogamy, as both are valid choices and both choices should not have to put up with disrespectful bullshit from mr sass and mr asshole



the problem is with dip shits like the letter writer believing that the way he is treating his partner can somehow still be justify himself believing he loves his partner. That is not the way you treat someone you supposedly love, for fucks sake his behavior does not even qualify for the level of respect that needs be shown to those you do not love in terms of metamours in different styles of non-monogamy



His speech sounds just as ignorant as the classic seattle ignorant shit advice advice/IT violators give/invade
31
fuck you slog
32
I don't see why people think the wife is any more truthful than the husband. Anyone who can hide an intimate relationship for three years is good at lying and doesn't mind doing it.

Time will tell whether they keep on lying to each other, because the lies are the part they like.

@21: "Every time you lie to someone, a little piece of their love for you dies."

Yes, secretagent, that's a great way of putting it.

@21: "You belong in counseling on your own to discover why you repeatedly put yourself ahead of your marriage and family"

I think often the liar hates him/herself. At least for some people, the lies are more about digging a terrible hole to fall into, because the liar wants to destroy him/herself. But I agree with your advice to try to take counseling seriously and learn some self-respect.
33
That's it, Dirtclustit. I have no understanding of your continual dislike and rudeness towards Dan. WTF has he done to you?
You have some really good ideas to share with some of the LWs but you just blow it with the negative blasts
to Dan and Co shit.
34
@21; isn't that though what the culture encourages? Put yourself first.
All fine, till you have children. And I think that often is where the shit hits the fan. Fine, while you got this cute little baby/ toddler. Though those sleepless nites and crying child start to hurt.
Then the little fuckers take forever to grow up! All the time, a parent needs to step their story to the back of the line.
Our culture says that's a mug's game.
( a "mug" in Aussie speak is a derogatory term).
35
Mickey Mouse should be Speedy Gonzalez instead.





@21- I'm going to learn needlepoint and make this into a sampler- "Every time you lie to someone, a little piece of their love for you dies"
36
I was married for twenty years to an alcoholic, and everything that ASS is saying sure sounds familiar to me - "Oh, I got caught, and it looks like there will be consequences! Sorry honey, I'll never do it again!" Until next time, of course.

Looks like his wife is doing the right thing - doing what makes her happy and what makes it possible for her to stay in the marriage (because of kids, because of finances, because she still loves him, because there is some benefit in keeping the marriage going) but stop pretending that what is, is not. I hope she understands and accepts that he is going to continue to lie to her in one way or another, because it doesn't look like he's ready to actually change anything - he's still denying and pretending and bullshitting for all he's worth.

Maybe he's a sex addict, maybe he's addicted to lying; who knows what his problem is. He's got one, that's for sure, and it doesn't appear he's ready to face it, at least not yet.

Good luck to her - and good luck to him, too. Who knows, maybe being forced to live in reality for a while will help him get his shit together so he can live with some authenticity. The way he's been living sounds exhausting - hope they all find some peace.

37
Listen up LW; first off, cut the crap. Everyone can see what you're doing. Hey, no blame, all idiots together.
This however, must stop. You two behaving like teenages. Tit for tat crap. Done. Grow up, the pair of you.
Children. Hello? What the hell type of household are these poor kids growing up in? Oh sorry kids, can't talk with, cuddle, feed, read a story too, get you to school, wipe your arse, at the moment.. Too busy worrying whose dick mommy has got in her mouth. You get the picture?
The emotional whirl wind you and your wife are creating is very damaging to your children. Cause while you rummage thru each other's crazy minds, the kids are being ignored.
Children don't rear themselves ( yeah, I know. It's a pity).
The pair of you, straighten up, shut up and look around. Oh, there they are in front of the telly. Grab the kids and go have a loving, family day out.
Close down all outside gigs. Focus. Shut up about outside fucks, for a month. Not one word. Except in Therapy together.
Sort out if you really want to be parents , together. Just focus on the family for one month. All your effort.
Keep talking how you want to play adult games, in therapy only. Not to be discussed by you two, alone. Change a few
" family" patterns, quickly.
If after a month( then maybe two, depending if you've all calmed down a bit). See how you two want to live your lives tog.
Your marriage and family are on the line here, Bud.
Time to move fast and change things around.
If you want to keep said marriage and family.


38
No, they should keep saying that they failed at monogamy. That's what happened. They should accept it and move on. For these guys, an open marriage would be an improvement, if they can manage to do that honestly. However, if the husband's right and the wife really doesn't actually want an open marriage, then this could blow up. I don't see any better course of action myself, though.
39
well for one, LavaGirl, I don't believe you are clueless as to my disgust with piece of shit journalists or anyone loyal to the hive mentality or the idiot swarm (I read your blog)



but besides being gaslight on a scale that went viral by piece of shit sect of assholes who I won't tie with common threads because the common thread is one that doesn't need anymore negative press



yet that is beside the point



Dan and sloggers aren't pushing for equality, they are the other side of the bigots fence, and in the same way the right wing zealots like the anon ignorant commentor whirl wind, rather than addressing the real issue, he and sloggers take the punk ass route and attribute it to the failure of monogamy



it is NOT an issue of monogamy vs non-monogamy, and when it's painted as such a picture and you direct the asshole letter writer into to "how to deal with non-monogamy" all you end up with are spouses who like each other about as much as your worst liked roommate



if that's the type of non-monogamy the letter writer wants, that's his choice, but rather than a bunch of journalist assholes invading peoples lives to use as fodder for their anti-religion anti-monogamy agenda, as opposed to helping LGBTQ family rights and the rights of poly people, not only do you change the story to better fit the agenda, but the only reason Dan published it was because he could point out that monogamy has failed.



fuck that, you don't need to influence other peoples decision or shame what works for them in order to justify your choice,



You don't need to justify your choices to anyone and nobody has to understand why you choose your choice, the worst thing those fucking assholes from the right wing fooled the assholes like Dan into believing, is that you need to not have a choice in order to live as a homosexual and for your life to be "OK"



it doesn't fucking matter, it's no wrong to choose to be gay or bisexual, or assexual, you don't even have to use one of their labels and Dan is one of the assholes who believes it's his right to tell people what their "real" sexual orientation is



fuck him, and you and anybody else who tries to overstep their rights and intrude on the rights of an individual



Especially fuck those whom are the reason this battle for equality will have to begin all over again in the meta world of electronic lives. Slog is just as bad as the worst online adware, spyware, personal space invading web admins to ever administrate a hosted website.



If he gave a shit about the rights of others who would surely respect the rights of others that he chooses to exercise



he is no respector of rights, he is a fucking asshole, and no offense, but nearly all of you dumb mother fuckers are (no respector of rights)


40
@ 38



most couples never make it through the transition to non-monogamy without doing irreparable damage thanks to bunk advice given by all the self-help relationships gurus that hold the same bullshit opinions as Dan


41
Oh man, I think I've found what Driscoll is doing these days: badly trolling Slog as Dirt!
42
@4 and @10, Plus syphilis is entirely curable. Poor little virgin, afraid of bacteria.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syphilis
43
I have a blog?? No I don't. You can continue to rant all you like, Dirtclustit. I'll still care for you, but I won't read it.
44
@41 LOL.
45
Dirtclustit:

You're right that if a person does choose to be gay or bi, there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people, usually who are naturally in the bi spectrum (though many bi people have not had this experience, and one shouldn't assume), do feel they made some sort of choice, and that's okay! If there's a problem with that, it's in the fact that external pressures push everyone toward the straighter side of the Kinsey scale, not that some people get to make a decision based on what makes them happier.

On the other hand, sexual orientation is not a choice for most people at all. Have you not met many gay or bi people? If you have, do you think maybe the batch you know might not be entirely representative? It's very recent that someone can come out of the closet without the risk of totally destroying their life, and yet through most of history, there still were gay people. Plenty of gay people tried really really hard to not be gay in order to stop other people, including their loved ones, from being horrible to them, but the vaaaaaaaaast majority of these people, no matter how sincere their efforts, they came out of the attempt as gay as they ever were. I was one of them! The only choice involved was "do I keep doing this thing that makes me miserable" or "do I go after what feels right and natural to me".

As for open relationships, sometimes people do need to be told that open relationships are an option, and that wanting an open relationship is okay. Open relationships and polyamory definitely have been stigmatized a lot, and it can be hard to admit to yourself that you want something if you've been told since forever that it's a horrible thing to want and going after it will never ever work. For some people, the actual reality of an open relationship sounds like the best thing ever, but the stigmatized concept of an open relationship (dirty, shameful, you're not good enough for your partner, your partner isn't good enough for you, you're a pervert with no self-control, you're not fit to be parents, the people your partner fucks are going to be better than you and you'll get dumped, you're signing yourself up for crazy drama, you're going to make each other jealous and break up, nobody who does this could possibly love each other) makes "having an open relationship" seem like the worst possible thing. Sometimes people want things that don't work or that aren't fair ("I want to fuck around, but I want my partner to be 100% faithful to me!"), and open relationships make sense as one possible solution.

I do think that sometimes Dan goes a little too far (and some of the commenters go WAY too far) in treating open relationships as a cure-all, and the desire to be monogamous as a problem that needs to be overcome, especially when it comes to people who want to be monogamous but who've kinda sucked at it. Sometimes Dan sees a problem and gives the advice that might get people to have more or better sex, but that kinda dismisses the interpersonal issues involved (the most recent Savage Love with the woman whose boyfriend keeps pressuring her to have a threesome comes to mind, as does the letter from the guy who was okay with outside sex but not outside romance and had to deal with his boyfriend's girlfriend). But that doesn't make him a bad person or anything - he's a sex columnist and that's reflected in the advice he gives, and the people who write to him generally know what they're getting into. And the fact that they're writing in means that they're choosing to be given advice by Dan and the peanut gallery, advice that might include "maybe you should try this thing," or "that thing might not be working out for you."
46
Cool post Miracles. I love Dirtclustits poetry and this persons pain comes thru and their care for others pain.The anger just gets so intense.
47
What a pair of douchebags. Whatever is keeping this marriage together it seems unlikely to be anything related to love or trust. I feel really sorry for their kids, what kind of home life can they have with this shit storm raging around them?
48
So you cheated on your wife. And lied to her. And screwed her (and your kids) over financially (unless you just have that much disposable income). And denied for years that you have a problem.

And she cheated on you. And is now taking the stance of "I'll stop seeing the other guys if you force me, but I'll resent you for it" - which makes me a little less sympathetic towards her than I might otherwise have been.

Tell me again, what is it that you guys want to save?

An open marriage might work if a need for sexual variety / sexual incompatibility was your sole, or even main, problem. It's not. You've also got lack of honesty with each other (both of you), lack of honesty with yourself (you), inability to take responsibility for the choices you make (both of you), denial about what appears to be an addiction (you), and apparently really shitty financial priorities (you). An open marriage isn't going to fix those things. In order to fix those things, you probably WILL need a lot of therapy, both apart and together - but more than that, you need to want to fix them. Both of you. And want to fix them all (or most) of the time, not just when you're panicking. Work on those things, and you might be able to have a healthy open marriage.

That said, I don't think trying an open marriage right now is necessarily a bad idea, because IMO it'll probably just hasten the end along, and you'll probably all be better off.

('Scuse me, I'm judgey-girl today. Illness has lowered my BS tolerance temporarily.)
49
The mouse thing was disturbing on more levels than I can count. That is one image I will never be able to erase from my brain. Yikes!!!
50
@49: It's more like a sound I won't be able to erase.
52
I have to disagree with Dan on the counseling. I get the feeling that one of this guy's problems was he didn't want to change. Now that shit is on line he's ready to start dealing with his problems.

And I think they both would benefit from him learning some empathy and communication skills.
53
This guy doesn't deserve to keep his penis. Burn the stupid thing off.
54
@Racing Turtles


Two words: Google calendar.
55
It's interesting. I feel like by reading Dan Savage over the years, I've come to a much more enlightened viewpoint on sexuality. But I've also become more and more appreciative of being single.
56
The idea that this and all other relationships MUST be "FAIR" is ridiculous, reductive and wrong.



Further, I think that this specific relationship may be very well served by asymmetric rules regarding non-monogamy.



The husband is clearly a serial cheater, but if he's allowed a longer leash, he can only transgress with worse betrayals, ones that the wife may not have the capacity to forgive. As such, it seems that the marriage can not be opened up for him, they should simply be resigned to the ongoing cycle of transgression and acceptance they've already established.



I don't see as the wife has shown a similar need, although it may be that a "don't ask / don't tell" arrangement may be required for the husband's benefit.



As for the children, it would not surprise me that this household is more toxic than most, but short of abnormally damaging. It's also true that this idea that children require loads of parental time and attention is quite recent and somewhat suspect. The financial issue is probably far more damaging.
57
So in other words, it was hot for him when he was cheating behind her back, but pisses him off when she does it. Let me guess, now he will agree to open the marriage but will still sneak around and not tell her about anything, so that he can get caught and talk about how he will change again.
58
Personally, I don't think an open marriage is the solution for this couple. In fact, I don't think there is a solution. I've never had an open relationship but my understanding of them is that trust and respect are the number one component to making them work. Neither of them exist on either side of this relationship. Really, the man has done more than sleep with other people. He's lied and spent their money on his conquests.

And even now: he's saying he doesn't want an open marriage. But what he really wants is to be able to screw around while his wife stays home and remains faithful. So basically, he is still showing his lack of respect for her. And I imagine it's gotta be pretty damned hard for her to respect him. In my opinion? The wife should go get herself tested for everything under the sun and then DTMFA.
59
@32:
I don't see why people think the wife is any more truthful than the husband. Anyone who can hide an intimate relationship for three years is good at lying and doesn't mind doing it.

Time will tell whether they keep on lying to each other, because the lies are the part they like.

I was thinking the same thing. We've got two proven liars here. Furthermore, I thought to myself, a three-year relationship is what one of these liars is admitting to ... I wonder what the reality is.
60
56: It's true that rules don't need to be equal, as long as everyone involved in the situation is comfortable with them, but a lot of people do feel uncomfortable with things that they perceive as unfair or punishing, and that can lead to dissatisfaction with the rules and the relationship. If ASS is supposed to not be having sex outside of the relationship, and Mrs. ASS is allowed to do whatever she wants, then ASS might feel like, even if it makes sense why the rules are different, that he's still being punished for something that she's getting away with. Alternately, if Mrs. ASS is allowed to do whatever she wants, and ASS is on paper not supposed to have outside sex but let's be real he's totally doing it, I'm not sure how unofficially accepting that he'll do whatever would be different than officially accepting it.
61
it is incomprehensible to me how anyone could cheat on a partner (let alone wife and mother of your kids) and look them in the face the next day. i guess some people have a stronger sense of morality than others.
62
Dear letter-writer: Please do whatever it takes to stay married to your wife. Otherwise, some poor unsuspecting soul might end up with one of you, and nobody deserves that.

Also, save your money for the decades of therapy your kids are going to need after being raised by drama addicts.
63
I've come to the conclusion in recent months that some people should just never apologise, because so many seem to think that an apology gives you a blank slate, and then if you keep doing the shitty things that you're apologising for, you don't accumulate resentment because each apology sets things back to zero. And it just doesn't work like that.

Obviously a heartfelt apology AND a change would be ideal, but if you're not going to at least try to change your behaviour, don't say you're sorry. At least then people will know.

ASS to me feels like one of those folks. ("I'm horrible, I'm sorry, I'm a terrible excuse for a human being! Look how sorry I am, I'm humbling myself by writing to an advice columnist. I'm the sorriest of them all! Look how good I am at being sorry!") I'd like to think that this was the kick he needed to change, but my bet is that he's willing to do anything now while he's in panic mode, but that willingness will fade once things settle down.
64
@55 - If I ever met you in real life, you'd totally be getting a high-five. I am in complete agreement.