SL Letter of the Day: Advice Privileges Suspended

Comments

1
Funny, Dan. Pick an easy one, why don't you? I don't even know what this guy is on about.
And yes, people, do not circumcise your boys.
2
Oh sweet baby Jeebus... First of all, it's taken you two years to reach your conclusion, perhaps you should give your partner a little more time to get used to the idea, hm? He's shutting you down because you seemingly came out of left field with no warning whatsoever, and yes, that can freak people out. Second of all, what you're contemplating could be seen as fairly extreme, and it could be that he's worried about you and your apparent blasé attitude to the potential risks. Difficult to say, since he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. All of that said, it is your body, so if this is something you absolutely want, if it means more to you than a relationship with this man does, then go for it. Just have the courtesy to break up with him first, for your own peace of mind as well as his.
3
WALD:
1: If your partner wanted a bigger dick, they wouldn't be with you.
2: Dick enlargement isn't a thing 'cept on the interwebs.
3: Huge dick, no feeling? You're at a size you can ram away with and your partner is happy. At this point see 1.
4: No nerves in the frenulum? Work the prostate. And that would be your prostate.
5: Go get a bigger dick. You should make it a goal to make it as big a one as you are so no one will bother.
4
"if I can't have my partner's support, Dan, then I can't go through with it."

Welcome to adulthood, where you are the only one ultimately responsible for your own needs. If this genital enlargement is one of those needs, then you will have to figure out a way to move forward without your partner's support. Other people get to decide what they want to do; he's your partner not your puppet.

I also don't see why genital enlargement is the obvious way you can "contribute to" your shared sex life. Maybe try using your mouth and fingers rather than your dick? And maybe learn to enjoy the nerve endings in your ass, if your dick is unsatisfactory.
5
This is what I want and he should support me. He told me it wasn't that he would be embarrassed or that it wasn't going to be enjoyable. But he wouldn't say much beyond that.
He was trying to spare your feelings. But we at SLOG have no such compunctions, so here goes: he finds your plan repulsive and a libido killer. He has no interest in giant genitaled version of you, and if you go through your plan, he will break up with you. And he's not out of bounds here-- major genital modifications that necessarily impact sex are a legitimate relationship-ender.

So your choices are to break up with your partner and find another who supports your quest, or to stay with your partner and abandon your goal. But you can't have both.

6
"This is what I want" is a pretty childish argument. When it comes to something with serious health risks that would affect your partner, you need more than that.
7
WALD is not specific in how large he wants to make his dick. I have seen photos of a man who made his genitals so large, that he had to enlarge his pants to manage them. His jeans looked like they had a giant codpiece (of the same fabric). It would be noticeable to anyone that this man is different, and would be a sort of exhibitionism. If my partner wanted that, I would say goodbye. If the enlargement wasn't noticeable in a public situation, ie. not a large "basket", then I probably would consent.
8
I think WALD's partner is right on this. This penis enlargement thing is surgery, and it can't be a good idea to get surgery unless you're absolutely certain. And WALD is just a mass of contradictions:
"At first I was extremely put off...Soon I wanted it to be my reality."
"I started to think of ways that I could contribute to me and my partner's sex life....I don't want to upset him but this is important to me. This is what I want."
"I am ready to do this...if I can't have my partner's support, Dan, then I can't go through with it"
"This makes it impossible for me to enjoy intercourse or oral sex... the complications I would face doing normal tasks actually excite me."

How does the logic even work? I can't enjoy sex, therefore I want to make myself a medical timebomb?

A big dick complex is one thing - like all body issues, it's a bit unhealthy, but everyone has their oddities. But you can't link it in to all the other stuff in your life, and suddenly and arbitrarily decide that life is terrible simply because one kink is being frustrated.

I think WALD's partner can see the end of this relationship coming, and when WALD said he wanted to get surgery *for his partner*, it freaked him out even more.
9
WALD - you've set a kind of exclusive (false?) dilemma: my partner or my desires. If that particular sexual kink is really a hard requirement for you, then break up with your partner and find someone else who has the same kink. It's not that complicated, even if it's the answer you don't really want; as others have alluded: there's no guarantee we get to eat our cake.

If it's not a hard requirement, or at least it's a lesser requirement than keeping your partner, then you can re-examine the kink itself - what is it about this particular thing? Is it visual? Is it a kind of sour grapes "if I can't feel it anyway, the risk of enlargement is a freebie"? Is it a kind of re-affirmation? I dunno...maybe there is a way to find that without actually going through with the modification.

I'm of the mind that door #2 - deconstructing the kink and bending it - finding a way to get that with your partner - is the way to go. Otherwise, just break up, get it done and hang out with other folks of the same ilk and find a new BF.
10
I think WALD is obsessing about the wrong thing entirely.





If I were experiencing numbness in my penile head the first thing I would do is see a urologist to determine what is causing it. Damaged pudendal nerve comes to mind. Prostate issues could cause it too. Instead of discussing a surgery that could potentially go wrong and fuck you up forever, talk to your doctor and find out why the numbness is happening. Do you sit all day? Ride a bike or an exerciser with a saddle? Consistently wear constricting pants/jeans?
11
@3: Dick enlargement isn't a thing 'cept on the interwebs.

You can inject silicone into your dick to make it as big as a watermelon. It's not as popular as you might expect, however, because your dick won't function anymore. Which is already the case with LW.
12
Look into foreskin restoration, which is something I'm sure you and your partner would benefit from.
13
Really REALLY BAD IDEA, WALD. Right now you are only lacking sensation at the tip. Go through this surgery and you could lose sensation in the whole area. Your genitals could get mutilated and you'll have a deformed stump. You could get all sorts of bad infections that could kill you. There are a lot of nerves down there, this surgery could be the most painful thing EVER! Also, reputable surgeons are not likely to agree to unnecessary operations that are unlikely to succeed (trust me on this, my grandparents, uncles and aunts and cousins are surgeons), so you could end up getting butchered by some quack plastic surgeon who will mess up your urinary system in addition to maiming you, and you'll be an eunuch who'll need to void into a bag for the rest of your life.

Fantasize about something else. There are ALL sorts of things that can give you pleasure, write back to Dan or go through Savage Love archives with your guy and pick out things that'll make both of you happy & fulfilled (and unmutilated!!!)

And maybe consider talking to a counselor to see if you might be suffering from body dysmorphia.
14
I'm confused LW, how would enlarging your dick help with the lack of sensation? Are you going for surgery, or doing what seandr suggested and injecting silicon, or I've heard of guys using saline, which isn't permanent? I guess I just don't understand the motivation behind this, and I agree with the anons that if the lack of sensation is the problem you should talk to a urologist.

I'll say this, you are an adult and you don't need your partner permission to change your body. But you do have to accept that this may be his 'price of admission' and what you need to decide is if it's a price you can pay.

#2 has a good point that he may need time to get used to the idea and it would be good if you could explain your reasoning and your plan to him. Would you let him have a say in the size? Would you compromise with something that wasn't permanent? This could be workable but you need to be able to give a little.
15
LW is fucking crazy
16
What a dick. I mean, WHAT A DICK!
17
WALD - your current partner is your current partner for many reasons. One of those reasons is that he likes your cock the way it is now. Changing your cock the way you want to is a deal breaker for him. You need to decide which is more important - your current relationship or the body modification you want to do.
18
Echoing what several have said. WALD writes "I have lost sensation in the head of my penis entirely. This makes it impossible for me to enjoy intercourse or oral sex."

Before embarking on serious and possibly irreversible body modifications, WALD should invest in some sex therapy to try to learn how to enjoy intercourse or oral sex in spite of his numb glans. There are a ton of nerve endings in various places on the body that can make sex enjoyable. It is even possible for a man to to orgasm without any stimulation of the penis at all.

If WALD learned how to enjoy sex with the dick he has, perhaps he'd be more interested in keeping it.
19
I started to think of ways that I could contribute to me and my partner's sex life that would give me the ability to be more versatile and have more fun.



How on earth does modifying your body in a way that your partner clearly does not welcome or enjoy count as contributing to his sex life? For that matter, how does having "epic" sized genitalia make you more versatile? Because I'm pretty sure the opposite is the case for both questions.



He doesn't want this, it's perfectly reasonable for him to not want this, and if you really do want this, you're almost certainly going to have to do it without him. But it's your body, so go ahead if you're absolutely sure it's what you really want. Just don't blame him for leaving when you do.
20
Well, the Republican Party has already been changed from within. The gun-nut-red-neck-fundy-anarcho-capitalist-teabaggers have, between them taken the party back to Goldwater and John Birch, minus the competence and sanity.



Do you have the billions of dollars in backing from the kleptocracy that wants the yahoos to dismantle the state so they can loot freely?



If your cock is partially non-functioning, making it into a huge non-functioning cock doesn't seem logical at all. I wonder if WALD's sensitivity problems are in his nerve endings or between his ears. Has he consulted a urologist, or a shrink.



I was cut too (damn!) but I'm orgasmic, and unless there was some special error or malpractice in WALD's cutting, he should be too. At least SOME medical opinion should be sought.
21
"he should"



... is the crux of the problem.



Saying "he should..." implies that your partner's opinions and choices don't count. You are basically saying you don't want to know his thoughts or his feelings about this. He is obliging by keeping his mouth shut. But you can be sure he feels stung by your disrespect.
22
What WALD is saying doesn't add up. If he's talking about the silicone injections, that really huge cock isn't going to be able to get erect, and that's not going to help with versatility at all. He's unable to enjoy penetrating someone or getting a blowjob now, but if he does that to his dick, he won't even be able to penetrate someone or get a blowjob. It kind of makes me wonder if that's why he's doing this, consciously or subconsciously - if he has a cock that can't penetrate and can't be sucked off, those activities are off the table forever. Even if his partner really wants to do those things, even if he feels he owes it to his partner to compromise, a dick that can't do those things just... can't do those things, and it's not up for discussion. WALD wants his partner to accommodate him on something extreme, but maybe it's because he's used to accommodating his partner past his own comfort levels, and feels like that's how relationships are supposed to work.

(And it's interesting that WALD is exploring medical alterations to make his penis floppy and enormous rather than medical treatment to restore the lost sensation. I don't think he's necessarily lying, but it's definitely possible we're not dealing with a guy who's incapable of liking dick stimulation, but a guy who just doesn't like dick stimulation for some reason or other. Which is fine too, we like what we like, and same with what we don't.)

If he really wants to get an extreme body mod, that's up to him (though he should keep in mind that he'd almost definitely have to break up with his partner, and other people he might want to date/fuck in the future might be put off by a very unusual dick mod), but it would probably be a good idea for him to explore other ways to take the pressure off. First off, not liking a sex act is a good enough reason not to do it. The choices aren't just "physically can't, therefore not obligated" and "able to, therefore oblicated"; there's also "doesn't like it, therefore won't". It's okay to say no. Working on that skill with a therapist might help.

As for WALD's relationship, maybe compromise is possible. If Mr. WALD is really attached to giving head and getting fucked, there might be ways to accommodate that without WALD having to do anything he hates. Double dildos, blowjob + vibrator in the butt, approaching the stuff he doesn't enjoy as service, etc. Creative solutions for two-bottoms couples exist, I think there was a letter of the day about that or something. It also might be that they're not the right people for each other. If Mr. WALD really likes doing stuff to dicks, and couldn't be happy in a relationship with someone who wasn't enthusiastic about having stuff done to his dick, or WALD feels like he's obligated to let his partner do stuff to his dick if that's what his partner likes, it probably isn't going to work out. But if WALD and Mr. WALD are sexually incompatible while WALD has a mostly standard-issue dick, well, they'd be sexually incompatible if WALD got himself an enormous, floppy dick too. A different partner might help with the problem, too - if WALD was with a guy who only liked to top, and who wasn't that wild about giving head, maybe WALD wouldn't feel like he needed to lock himself out of certain options that nobody ever wanted to go for anyway.
23
Dear Dan, Thank you for the opportunity! You never suck ass (in THAT way at least.) Here goes:

Dear WALD,

If your "partner isn't willing to talk about this, then your letter is not about dicks or mega-dicks at all. I suspect that if your partner can open up about his specific reasons for objecting (through counseling if necessary), then the two of you will become closer, and who knows - this alone might make you more intimate and have better sex. And then, with the communication opened up again, you can either enjoy your non-depressed new state of being, or possibly do the dangerous and fraudulent "surgery" and enjoy that. (Please don't!!!)

Perhaps his reasons are some of the following: 1) He truly cares about you and his genuinely and legitimately worried about the outcome of this quack procedure, but is shy about expressing how much he cares about you. 2) He doesn't want you to waste your money as a couple. 3) He is not invested in this long term, and doesn't want you to end up poor AND injured. Anyway it is stupid of me to speculate; YOU find out from him and your depression may come to an end!

xo
24
LW is angry that his dick doesn't work, and having it enlarged to freakish size is a way of restoring some sense of "my powerful dick". I'm immediately reminded of extreme BME/Goth kids who whinge about society rejection and further mutilate themselves as a response (thus 'sticking out' more). I honestly think therapy is in order; I was kind of taking for granted he'd seen a urologist already.

I am a circumcised guy and I'm dubious about the notion that circumcision is all that damaging. The nerve endings don't burn out or die (though I suspect you could compulsively beat it until you numb yourself), although they might adjust. As Dan is so fond of saying about condoms: if you think they numb things up too much (they do) then just practice wearing one every time you masturbate to rebuild the sensitivity. I think the LW probably needs to carve a new groove in his brain.
25
A link to the video would have been helpful. LW reminds me of a lot of men I spoke to when trying to find a dominant--he wants what he wants (even though it's extreme) and that's it. I found that attitude to be a real turn off and I'm betting his partner does too. As several other folks have pointed out, he is not your puppet. Modifying your cock to the point that it would interfere with normal non-sexual activities is a pretty big thing (haha yeah bad word play!) to ask for support on. The fact that you don't seem to recognize this is disturbing. If the support of a partner is important you need to put aside your desires long enough to think about what you're really planning to do to your body and how it will impact your current and potential future partners. I would put the type of mod you're considering as being on par with folks who have facial tattoos--more power to you but you'll be permanently relegating yourself to a limited social subculture. I think a visit or ten to a sex therapist before you take action is in order.
26
"there is a large and growing demographic of people, including me, who are fiscal conservatives and social liberals"

You don't get a lot of coverage because you vote straight Republican social conservative in the interest of your pocketbook. It's not even as if there are fiscal lefties to vote for, any Dems are third-way conservative as is.
27
@24: ". I'm immediately reminded of extreme BME/Goth kids who whinge about society rejection and further mutilate themselves as a response (thus 'sticking out' more)."

I think you're conflating mallgoths with "I'm going nowhere fast" crustpunks. BMEziners don't whinge about societal rejection either.

The issue isn't his search of the "grotesque", my unscientific guess is that his partner knows it's a futile effort and unsexy to deal with someone who is channeling their insecurity of being unwhole and imperfect into unproductive means. If you like how your member looks, great! If you're going to go through risky procedures to alter how it looks but not work on your underlying issues that are affecting your sexual performance and misery-inducing body image issues, of course you're going to receive less overwhelming support. Is it a fetish or a "last ditch" effort to avoid dealing with what you were dealt? Granted, I'm of the persuasion that while not highly pro-circ, believe a lot of the post-circ malaise is overblown and more hampering than the procedure itself.
28
WALD, your partner not even wanting to talk about it makes things more difficult for him to express his concerns. I'm kind of surprised that no one suggested that you guys try working this into your sex lives as a fantasy.

As others have mentioned, seeing a urologist and sex therapist might help, as well as discovering other sensitive areas like your prostate. I'm also surprised that no one has suggested that you try sounding. Although there are risks of infection, these can be minimized if you take precautions.
29
One of the biggest lies voters tell themselves is that they should be Republican because they are "fiscally conservative, socially liberal". The fiscally conservative party IS the Democratic party. All "fiscally conservative" means in the GOP context is lower taxes for the top 5-10%. Unless you are lucky enough to be in that group of people, your support for the GOP's brand of fiscal conservatism is a vote to take money out of your own paycheck and plop it into the top 10%.
30
WALD, another possibility: cock sheaths
31
Wait, you've lost sensation in the head, not never had it. I guess you can blame not having a foreskin on that but it seems like you've maybe damaged it with rough use or something. Have you even seen a doctor about it?

And AMEN, 29.
32
http://www.vice.com/en_se/read/how-and-w…
33
This reminds me of an article in Vice called "How And Why To Regrow Your Foreskin" who knows if it works.
34
So you can't even bring yourself to tell Dan what you are planning to do, yet it's somehow some huge thing that must be done. My advice would be to see a doctor - one for your dick, to see if the problems you are experiencing with sensation can be fixed, and one for your head, so you can figure out with some clarity what exactly it is you want, and map out some reasonable plan for getting some version of it.

And, yes, to 29. On the whole, conservative political parties are not fiscal conservatives. They squander tax money as much or more than more left leaning parties, but the money goes to the rich and to corporations, rather than to working people and infrastructure.

It costs money to run a society. So your choice is "what kind of society do I want to buy with my money?" rather than "how do I get away with not paying for a society?" One way or another you pay - money goes into Head Start Programs or Prisons, but it goes.
35
I think Dan wrote this letter (to teach his commenters a lesson).
36
large and growing demographic of people, including me, who are fiscal conservatives and social liberals; we're not represented well by either party


Oh. FUU-uuuuuh-uuuck Yoooooooooou!

You know what that means?

That means you support social systems you won't PAY for. That's what it means. Social liberality costs money, man. It doesn't happen with magic pixie dust.

It means your lazy dead beat ass relies on acual liberals to pay for the socially "liberal" issues you KNOW are moral and right but you're too selfish to do anything about.

Fuck, I hate that unprincipled cop-out bullshit. At least arch-conservatives are selfish pieces of shit who don't fool themselves into thinking their "good" people.

So fuck you with your "fiscally conservative, socially liberal" bullshit.

Have the balls to be an actual liberal — and there exists on one viable liberal party in this country like it or not called the Democrats — or quit riding our moral coat-tails.

37
Foreskin restoration may be a good comprimise for the LW. It involves some modification and some inconvenience (you have to wear a device, usually), which I think he'd be into. And it may even restore some sensation. But would likely be less gross to his partner.
38
@37: Months of attaching weights to his dong will not solve the issues he's projecting onto his penis, though.

"this has come to be very problematic as my nerve endings are completely shot and I have lost sensation in the head of my penis entirely"

A circumcized penis doesn't just lose sensitivity MUCH later in life because of that choice made when they're a baby.

It really sounds like there's other stuff he's leaving out that would lead to the partner turning away from this nonstarter of a "solution".
39
@36: Its the same old Republican/Blue Dog spiel.
40
Learn to enjoy your prostate.
41
Circumsized men can have a lot of sensation in the heads of their penises. There's something else going on with WALD's; I agree with the advice to see a urologist.



As for wanting a giant penis, why not try a sheath? If your partner is GGG, he may agree to experiment with a non-permanent giant sensationless cock, to see how you both like it. My guess is that it won't do anything to solve your problem or enhance your sex life and you'll give up on the idea of "if I can't feel anything, at least I can have a monstrous cock that can't feel anything".
42
@41: Totally. OJST seemed to like this one- http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/baddragonshea…
43
I fail to see how having a massive cock that you still can't feel is going to help.
44
@43: Because his issues with performance and sensation are psychological in nature.
45
(Though I'm sure your question was more to him than the peanut gallery.)