Nothing happened over this freezing weekend (not counting protests), so I went back to the mall. The ALDERWOOD Mall! Perhaps you've heard of it? Here are 15 gifts I found—15 gifts you SHOULDN'T give this holiday. Or any other time.

1. The Justin Bieber Blow-Up Doll. Not a toy.
  • 1. A gay joke, a virgin joke, a beaver joke, a blow-job joke… yet I still don't get it.

2. This thing. Yuck.
  • 2. The *~*Magic*~* is not throwing up when you use this.

3. This Confederate Flag Winter Hat. What year is it, anyway?
  • 3. Warm and offensive.

4. Juggalo Jewelry. Awkward.
  • 4. Classic.

5. Pussy Pants. Be classy, stay trashy.
  • 5. Nothing says I ♥ PUSSY like some sweatpants in a box.

6. These Condoms. Even if its true, you just cant make this funny.
  • 6. Zzzzzzzzzz.

7. The Violent Troll. Actually, this might be a good one for a few of your favorite internet pals?
  • 7. The Violent Gnome. Though this might be a good one for a select few of your favorite internet pals.

8. Fake Lesbian T-Shirt. Who made this, and have they never met any real lesbians?
  • 8. I'm guessing the high-schooler who designed this hasn't encountered many actual lesbians...

    9. This Lesbian T-Shirt. WUT. Really?
    • 9. …like the actual lesbians who would wear this shirt. (??)

    10. What Is This Thing? OUCHIE!
    • 10. Mangles your face, quickly and relaxedly.

    11. And This Thing! Itll never fit right.
    • 11. One size fits no one.

    12. A Giant Bug Zapper. This might be okay, if youre mailing the gift to someone in Michigan.
    • 12. Seems safe.

    13. Um, NO.
    • 13. The only thing funnier than small pecker jokes are over-the-hill jokes. And jokes involving butts.

    14. Fab Abs. Awkward.
    • 14. Might be worth it for the FREE KNEE PAD.

    15. The Tuggie. I actually bought this, so you wouldnt have to.
    • 15. Don't worry, I actually bought this so you wouldn't have to.