SL Letter of the Day: Settle or Divorce?


I don't think a little more therapy would hurt here. Or even a lot.
The real question is: why did she even get married those three times?
Crazy how the crazy sexual life destroying shit tends to pile up on some people
She needs to be able to try at least as many therapists as husbands.
mmmm.... Dan,

Some Doms are crossdressers...
Just got this letter, didn't see the topless housecleaning advert email that preceded it. I wasn't offended by the bare back picture.

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Seattle Weekly

@6 Huh?
jayde @1: +1.

biffp @6: ‽ ‽ ‽
Regardless, I want the viaduct gone, not replaced, GONE.
That's a lot of pain there for this LW. These are trust issues - and it's basic trust in herself that needs to be rebuilt. Whether she does this inside her marriage or not is up to her. My feeling is that leaving her marriage is another form of giving herself no one and nothing to trust, giving herself no safe haven in which to work. Her past experiences are obviously still very present for her - it's slow going rebuilding a sense of safety and calm, but it's worth it. And it's baby steps.

So, LW, my gut says stay where you're at, in your emotionally close marriage, and work on building a sense of real safety for yourself.
"every time she makes it straight
she knows her heart will break"
It's a little odd that she doesn't mention her husband's view of their sexless marriage. She's "emotionally close" with him, but doesn't seem to register whether he misses sex or not.

If she really doesn't know his reaction, I would start by testing the waters. Find an article or book about sexless marriages, read it, and ask him what he thinks about the similarities with your marriage.

You can't propose an open marriage without knowing whether he wants more sex with you or is delighted that you never bother him for sex.

LW says her marriage is sexless. Even though she claims the "best sex" is D/s, is vanilla sex with her husband an option? Can she settle in this case?
I'm more than a little curious as to how much therapy she's had. She only vaguely mentions it once in passing. If she's had years and years of therapy and this is where she's at, then she may just have to live with it. But if she's had, like, a month and a half, I'd say go back.
I agree EricaP, it's weird that the husband's response to this sexless marriage is not addressed. Did they used to have a great sex life before they were so close? Is it possible that he thinks this is just a temporary phase that's going to pass? I think it's critically important to know what his needs are and if they are being met.
"asexual" and a long list of how hard she's tried means H is the low libido one (at least low libido for her). But that's not the case here.

She says "asexual" marriage and only that he won't wear lingerie. So she isn't attracted to him. It's possible but unlikely that he's fine with that. More likely that he's frustrated or getting some on the side. She's all kind of messed up and comes across as pretty self centered, so her staying doesn't guarantee the marriage. He may be one affair away from finding something better for himself.

And, yeah, therapy could help. She couldn't find the right romantic partner for herself in scores of hookups and 3 marriages (who does on the first try?), why should trying one or two therapists be the limits of one efforts? Try a few with the longest waiting lists in town and, with the right person, you'll know in the first session.
This letter is bizarre--I am wondering if it is fake. Assuming that she is dominant and she likes her crossdressers submissive, surely she must realize the world is her oyster. She wouldn't need to ask Dan this question--it is self evident. She said that one of her previous husbands was a crossdresser, so she must have some experience in the scene.

I'm guessing I am about the same age as WONT, with the same tastes, and I might as well be Gisele Bundchen. I also had difficulty with relationships, and I think it's because I am dominant, and society's expectations are for women to be submissive in a relationship. It caused difficulties with intimacy.

But I do agree with Dan's advice, if her husband is up for it, open marriage. Also most crossdressers are bisexual, if her husband is into that.
She calls a sexual encounter at age seven with a classmate sexual abuse? Sounds a little crazy.
She sounds like the embodiment of the phrase "the odds are good, and the goods are odd." As such, I would definitely second other comments that recommend continuing therapy since WONT seems to be some combination of a) terribly myopic when it comes to looking for men that are LTR material, b) gravitates toward relationships that are doomed from the beginning as a defense mechanism, c) self-sabotage her relationships,

Therapy can be overused and a crutch for some people. For others it's a necessity. This writter is the latter.

What ever else you do, get ye back to therapy.
The LW is damaged goods and should just stay out of relationships. I think she can find cross-dressing friends on FetLife or some other place. She should leave relationships to more sane people and not look to cause more damage. Therapy is good for people willing to listen but people like this don't listen.
@17: No, most cross-dressers are not bisexual. Most cross-dressers are straight. There are, however, many men who are both bisexual and cross-dress.

@18: It's crazy to think a sexual encounter at the age of seven COULDN'T be abuse. I mean... consenting seven-year-olds? Really? My guess is the other child was themselves a victim of sexual abuse, and decided to try to restore the balance of power by committing similar acts against a weaker classmate. Seen this before.
@22 any evidence that "most cross-dressers are straight"? My experience is more like Marrena's, though I'll agree that "most cross-dressers present as straight" if that's what you mean.

In my experience, most cross-dressers, when dressed, imagine themselves as women, who either like lesbian sex with other women (hence not exactly straight), or who fantasize about finding a man to treat them like a woman (also not exactly straight, since the CDer isn't a transgender woman).
@22, maybe I should have said most crossdressers are slightly bisexual. I will stand by that one. Especially if submissive and the F in a MMF is their dominant.
Yep, LW. More Therapy, until your vitality is restored.
@21 wow. bitch much? you're awfully judgmental, and harsh, and aren't we all "damaged goods"? what does that even mean? wait, i don't want to know. people like you don't listen.
@26: I would take @21's "damaged goods" as not meeting Dan's criteria of not perfect, but "in good working order" before entering a relationship.

This LW isn't in good working order. And, lo and behold, not satisfied in her third marriage.
This will sound contrarian, but perhaps more therapy isn't always helpful. Perhaps much of whats a available in therapy out there isn't very good, or requires too much effort to be successful. Maybe she settles for herself and gives herself permission to stop introspecting and seeking answers from therapists and advice columnists and other self-professed or legitimate gurus and just be.
@12 I get the feeling she isn't really concerned with his opinion?
@29, sounds about right. In which case, they're not "close," and she's completely unreliable about her situation.
Ms Cute (if she materializes) - does this LW remind you at all of Mrs Allen?
What is the definition of "WONT"? Is it other than will not? Thanks
@30: I do tend to take the lack of statement about the partner as a statement ON their feelings about their partner in these situations (especially in the context of her preference for serial monogamy or the bar hookup scene).

I don't know if it's necessarily "unreliable" as much as she kicks the can down the road and avoids dealing with her own baggage through the novelty of new relationships...

I mean, it's hard to know what she feels about any of her partners if she alternates between marrying people she doesn't care about for being great lays, or marrying someone she supposedly cares about but has no physical interest in. There's just so much to un-knot here, she needs more self-honesty and therapy before she rushes into another marriage she doesn't want to be in.
@33 agreed.
Holy shit this woman is a mess. She thought she was a lesbian but oops not really, her marriage is asexual because her husband isn't into lingerie, sexual abuse, three marriages, never had sex with an emotional connection? She is nowhere near being in good working order. There is a metric fuck ton for her to sort out and she should do it with a therapist.
The husband may not be in good working order either. That may be something they bond over. Sometimes two people not-in-good-working-order work better — if imperfectly — as a team than they would individually. That’s worth something.

The letter doesn’t say anything directly about the husband, but think about the kind of person who might love her and want to marry her knowing her history.

*** *** ***

Yes, settle (for yourself, as Dan says). Being a little broken doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love and companionship and probably means you especially need it.

IF you can find a therapist you like, you can see them with a goal of loving yourself more for who you are. If you don’t like them then don’t feel obligated. Not all therapists are good and I suspect that even the good ones are only good for some people. You’d need someone who was both good and good for you, and accepts that you can have a goal that isn’t about changing into a better person. It’s not your fault if that’s hard to find. (I’ve been known to see a therapist with the sole purpose of having her be nice to me, just to remind myself what that felt like. It helped. A lot.)