• Order and entire can of fizzy water! They'll give it to you! And drinking carbonated water out of a can is the definition of classy.

• Thumb through the in-flight magazine and keep a tally for every time you see a photo of a white-sand beach, the words "white sand beach," or an article you can't relate to because you're not a tan business man trying to have an affair with someone equally tan and impressed by luxury cuff links.

• Take the "we suggest wiping the sink down for your fellow passengers because we don't have budget for someone else to do it" signs in the bathroom seriously.

• Make up a backstory about your pilot. Does he sound friendly? Does he mumble loudly, pause frequently, and give you unnecessary information about the wind-chill percentage of your destination? Trick question—they all do. Have you ever in your life had a female pilot? I have not and I find that odd and sad.

• Compare the scalps of the people in front of you.

• Read as much of your seat-mate's Dan Brown book as possible without them noticing.

• Take a moment to appreciate the illustrations on the Safety Information card. Someone got paid to draw those little outfits and hairdos.

• If your seat won't recline because you're in the goddamn emergency exit row again, even though you paid the same insane ticket price as the next guy, maybe even more, make a spine-support cushion out of your scarf and any available trash found stuffed into your seat pocket!