SL Letter of the Day: The Eject Button


Grief can make people do dumb/weird things, especially with alcohol in the mix too. Not sure what the other friend's excuse is, but I would advise the LW to just focus on her relationship for now, and not face off with the other woman. There's really no point in it, let that/her go and if she does apologize to you be gracious and take the high road--it's just not worth the energy.

Figure out if you guys can work past all this--he definitely needs to own up to his bullshit. Was something already going on between them? I tend to always agree with Dan and I do feel that the brazenness of the boyfriend's behavior makes it seem like he might be acting out to get out.
This story reminds me of the adage that women should be wary of men with "crazy" exes, not because the exes are crazy, because the men are (or at least drive women crazy).

Regardless of whether the ex dumped the boyfriend or not, clearly he misrepresented how he actually felt about her and is now taking it out on the current girlfriend.
I realize that this is from 2013, but something stood out to me here: the BF said lots of shitty things about his (now dead) ex. And he said lots of shitty things about the LW behind her back to his friends.

This sounds like a pattern. And not a good one. When someone constantly berates other people behind their back, it is often to deflect blame from themselves when something doesn't go well, or to make other people look bad in order to prop up their own self-worth. Either way, it's a crappy thing to do, and shows a real lack of self awareness.

He made scathing comments about her while she was alive, and now he's making scathing comments about you, after he's ditched you at a bar and gone home, apparently not concerned about your feelings or safety in getting home.

He's been the one bringing her into your relationship with the scathing comments, but accuses you of not liking her.

Has he ever taken the mature high road with regard to relationships? If you have to really stretch your memory or rationalize an answer to that, then you need to DTMF. He may show signs of having rough potential, but he's not the one interested in developing it. Cut bait. Let him grieve or figure out what is, or who is, important to him on his own.

It's his life lesson to figure out, not yours.
Ah, fuck....a two year old letter.

Well, I hope she dumped him before he gave her reason to develop a complex and need a shrink.
RP@3... great minds, and all of that...
You know what would be nice with old advice letters? Some follow-up. What happened? I kinda wanna know.
DTMFA. But less for this instance, which is a side-effect of his basic problem, no self-awareness. This sentence: "I don't know how to help you grieve in this situation because you didn't like her" is simply honest and true, what is remotely offensive about it? I get that perhaps you felt an apology was warranted, but more in the sense of "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you" rather than "I'm sorry for committing a wrong."

You did nothing wrong here. If he has such an inability to hear this, recognize it as truth (even if it's at a later point), then of course he's going to do stuff like he did.

To me it sounds like you have a generalized ability to talk about things truthfully, and he doesn't. Don't get sucked into his orbit. Yours is better.
It sounds like the only way to make this jackass have positive feelings about you is to die in a car crash. It doesn't sound worth it.
@4: "He made scathing comments about her while she was alive, and now he's making scathing comments about you"

Yup. And he'll make scathing comments to the next woman about you, who he'll make scathing comments to the next...

There's nothing to "make up", that ship has sailed, cut your losses. No matter what, he doesn't and won't respect her.

Shame we don't get updates on all these former stories. It'd be useful to get an update after all the comments have been made on how much better off the LW is, if the other target would ever change their spots.
@keshmeshi: This story reminds me of the adage that women should be wary of men with "crazy" exes

LOL, I'm sure you'll take tremendous satisfaction in knowing that every serious LTR I've been in, including the current, was with a crazy beauty from a dysfunctional/abusive family.

If only the crazies would have gotten your memo and stayed away from me, I might have had a shot of pairing up with a woman who actually got along with her father (assuming such creatures exist).

Then again, I seem to be attracted to women who reinforce my sense of unworthiness, so not sure the chemistry would be there with a woman who didn't knock me around a bit, literally and figuratively.
Does anybody else not see why "I don't know how to help you grieve in this situation because you didn't like her" was such a terrible thing to say? Is it just that it's putting a fine point on it, and she should say "because you weren't on good terms with her" or something?
@3, @5, @10 pretty much said what I was thinking: He talks shit about the women he is in or has been in relationships with. And I hope she dumped his lousy ass.
I just realized that she says she made her supposedly offensive remark "after offering him my sympathy on numerous occasions."

So she offered consolation, he apparently was a dick about it all the way, and she finally said she didn't know what else to do, and he rips her behind her back and cheats on her.
@12 I agree, it doesn't sound like a bad thing to say at all. A little blunt, but it's the kind of honest communication about feelings that people who who live together should be able to engage in.
@7 is right on. How about a little follow up on what actually happened now that 15 months have gone by? (My take is that he's toxic and she needs to DTMFA.)
I see why she could forgive the "mistake" of making out with the friend one time, *if* he were to apologize or acknowledge it as a mistake, but I don't get how she can still forgive when he says its all her fault anyway. Also, ditching your live-in partner at a bar without a word? That seems REALLY screwed up to me. It would certainly make me question the relationship as much as anything else that happened.
I hope these two work it out!
I hope she dumped this immature brat. He's abusive & she shouldn't accept that.
I wouldn't lean on the grief angle too hard. How much can you listen to someone admonish their ex's before it starts to sink in the problem may lay with the person doing the shit talking? And now, you're gonna be that ex he talks shit on. Fun! Fuck this asshole, ditch him.
@12 It is a bad thing to say, because it tends to hurt people who are grieving more. I know, that's not enough of a why that you're looking for, but it's the one I have. I remember a friend complaining about someone saying something similar to her after the death of a family member. And it hurt her more and thus was a bad thing to say. Not knowing it's a bad thing to say is understandable; it'd be a good thing if we taught people how to react in various situations. But generally for death, going off-script with general condolences is a bad idea, because a lot of attempts to personalize it (other than sharing fond memories of the person if you actually knew the person) tend to backfire. I also know that statistically, it takes longer to get through the mourning process and it tends to be harder for a parent you had mixed and negative feelings for than one you had a good, healthy relationship with. That's counterintuitive, but presumably it's because mixed feelings when someone dies are harder to process. So, while the loss of a good relationship (of any type) is really sad, the loss of a bad one can be harder to cope with in the short-term. Perhaps the statement hurts so much because it seems to imply that the mourning process should be easier or the person has less of a right to hurt or other problematic things while the person is going through a particularly complex grieving process.

That said, that one mistake in no way justifies the guy's actions. I'd have recommended the letter writer dump him. People will mess up now and then with good intentions. If your response to your partner's understandable mistake is huge, deliberate nastiness then the relationship just isn't going to work. I usually give grieving people a bit of a pass, but it has limits, and abandoning someone when you're their ride without good cause goes beyond them as does spending the night insulting them and making out with someone else while in an exclusive relationship (the insulting them is a problem even if the relationship isn't exclusive, of course).
So many spot-on comments about the serial bad-mouthing this guy gives all of his exes. Whatever his deal is, it ain't good. And I also don't see the problem with speaking directly after offering sympathy and support for a period of time. Even if it was a hurtful comment, which I personally don't think it was, his actions are not an appropriate response to that. He was far more hurtful than she. He was vindictive, mean-spirited and immature. It sounds like the LW has been taking his crap for too long already, and that she is taking far too much responsibility on herself. For her own well-being, I hope she dumped this ass and a half.
She likely is being too demanding about needing the woman's apology (she already said she could get over the kiss) and drinking less because those are peripheral. Sounds like an arbitrary way for him to atone. But his publicly and privately lashing out at her is a relationship-ending problem, all right.
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seandr, were you under the impression that you'd actually be refuting keshmeshi's point by pointing out that you fit that criterion?
it's a bad thing to say because in the first part of the sentence she begins the coment with, "I don't know how to help you grieve...". And then managed to make the whole thing about her and how after putting forth a couple of days worth of effort she was done and he was in his own. Relationship 101: the minimum requirement when your significant other is hurting (regardless of whether you understand why or think it irrational) is to listen and to just be there. If he can't count on her for that small effort, I can understand why he might begin to doubt the relationship'so long term viability and act out (admittedly not exactly honestly and maturely) to steer the relationship onto the rocks.
@11: "every serious LTR I've been in, including the current, was with a crazy beauty from a dysfunctional/abusive family."

There's a common denominator here. One crazy is bad luck; two crazies is you not learning your lesson from the first crazy; EVERY serious LTR means you're seeking out the crazies on purpose. Time to look at yourself, bro! Why do you only want crazy women? Because they give you an excuse to maintain your belief that bitches be crazy?

When I smell crazy, I run. Therefore, I have never been in a "serious LTR" with someone crazy. There's YOUR memo! Perhaps try looking past physical beauty, deep into someone? Maybe then you'll have a shot at hooking up with someone who has a good relationship with her father (we do exist -- but we generally do try to avoid men who think all women are crazy). You CAN say, "Ah, you're a mistake I've made before, I'm going to learn from it this time, and not get involved with you. Again."

... Says the person who always falls for the pretty boy with no money. ;)
@11.Sean, you really saying your woman hits you? And you let her?
Women and their father stuff, can be looked at in therapy. We all bring stuff, most of us have dysfunctional family patterns. Then spend our time trying to disentangle from them.
Insight into our dysfunction, helps us go to the areas that need work.
@12: It wasn't a bad thing to say. The guy has a pattern of being abusive, and guilt-tripping her over saying this is part of that abuse.

She should DTMFA already.
seandr - the plot (or something) thickens ...
@29 I strongly disagree. The guy is abusive. The guy's actions about this are part of the abuse. That doesn't mean it wasn't a bad thing to say. It is a bad thing to say. It hurts people when others say things like that to them. And it's important for people to realize it's a bad thing to say, because if you are ever in a situation like that, you should not say it. That doesn't justify his abuse. You don't need her to not have made a mistake for him to still be in the wrong. In relationships, people do make mistakes. An understandable mistake that is apologized for should be something a couple can move on from. A partner who is vindictive towards mistakes is an abusive partner. So, she made a small mistake, but he's terrible and should be dumped.