Kam gonna Chancellor
  • SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

The Seahawks are playing the Packers at 3pm 12pm (IN SEATTLE) with nothing on the line except for a trip to the Super Bowl. Which is to say EVERYTHING IS ON THE LINE.

I'm watching from Williamstown, Massachusetts (Why? It doesn't matter! BUT THE TIME IS DIFFERENT HERE) and I'll be providing insufferable coverage of the game all afternoon below the jump:

3:36: I'm out to drink a lot. Thank you for reading.

3:35: FROM DARKNESS INTO LIGHT. WE'VE REACHED THE POLE. WE'RE GOING TO ARIZONA. UNBELIEVABLE.

3:33: That is the greatest moment of my life.

3:32: laguhcrying

3:30: kearse

3:29: switch vert

3:27: I still can't.

3:25: kneeling is winning

3:23: here we go.

3:22:


3:21: what on fucking earth is happening right now.

3:20: We want the ball.

3:18: 22-22. I can't.

3:12: 15 in 44

3:11: Actual tears.

3:09: Too much time.

3:08: I'm not watching. I can't.

3:06: I don't know.

3:04: TEARS

3:01:19-14

2:59: WHY IS THIS CHALLENGE TAKING A BACKSTROM AD AMOUNT OF TIME??

2:58: WE'RE VERY CLOSE.

2:54: We're getting the ball back.

2:51: Jermaine Kearse just finished off the Seahawks season by completing the worst game a receiver has ever had. 4 targets. 4 picks.

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2:48:

2:47: Once more. To keep the insufferable journey alive...

2:43: Clock management? Time cannot be managed.

2:42: I've never seen Russell Wilson look like this. I've never seen Russell Wilson hit in the head by Clay Matthews. Darkness again. So much darkness. Fogginess. Closing back in.

2:41: Wilson targeting Clinton-Dix. Best receiver on the field.

2:39: Ricardo Lockette is a coinflip between 15 yard catch and 15 yard penalty and we just got heads.

2:36: THE SOUNDS OF DUBSTEP ECHO IN THE DISTANCE. MADNESS COMES FROM ALL DIRECTIONS.

2:34: When offered 20 yards on a kickoff or what's behind door number two ALWAYS TAKE 20 YARDS, DOOR NUMBER 2 IS A COBRA RIDING A GOAT.

2:31: People keep telling me I look like Aaron Rodgers. Am I the enemy?

2:26: Kam Chancellor just exploded Richard Sherman's arm. WEIRD. VERY WEIRD. NOT GOOD.

2:24: The Seahawks need one more bit of silliness to go their way. LEVITY IN THE FACE OF DARKNESS.

2:20: My heart might explode.

2:19: DO NOT PUT THE BALL ON THE GROUND MEN.

2:15: Rodgers ankle buckles. Oh my god. Then a sack. Wow.

2:12: The McDonald's ad shows signs of hope. Truth. HOPE AND TRUTH. BELIEVE!

2:11:


2:08: GARY GILLIAM TITLE BELT. THE LIGHT IS REAL. 16-7

2:07: PLEASE GOD YES GARY GILLIAM OH MY GOD

2:05: Nick Perry is the best boy band member of the Packers linebacking corps.

2:04: This first down IS the turning point. LIGHT. I SEE LIGHT.

2:03: 2nd and 31 or 1st and 46?

2:00: Let's check in on that Julius Peppers/Alvin Bailey matchup: *FOOTAGE OF LION EATING BABY ZEBRA*

1:58: Billy Crystal and Josh Gad make funny faces at me. They taunt me. WHERE IS THE FLAG ON THEM?

1:56: Possession returns to our men. Our men are hawks. Hawks of the sea. I hope they advance forward with their possession. They have yet to show the capacity. They are men that are hawks.

1:52: "GO FOR IT!" I scream. The troops do not. They act is if they do not hear me. Do I make a sound?

1:51: J.R. Sweezy injured. Patrick Swayze ghost. Everything is nothing.

1:48: Erin Andrews appears to me as if in a vision. "The hell is with that hat?" I ask. She tells me Pete Carroll is emotional. I already know this. She vanishes.

1:38: Halftime. A sign comes from above. 12. The number of Russell Wilson's passing yards. Time is halved.

1:34: A man throws cheese at me. We have little food left. I wonder why he would mock my hunger thusly. Violence surges in my heart.

NOTE: THIS REALLY JUST HAPPENED IN THE BAR I'M IN, AND I'M NOT PLEASED.

1:30: Timeouts are unnecessary as time moves ceaselessly in one direction, parallel to our mortality.

1:28: The flags come later and later. Night and day, sun and rain. All merge into one.

1:26: Local boy Jermaine Kearse has abandoned the expedition. Our ranks shrink. Death closes in from all sides.

1:24: To answer the question in the comments, I am not rooting for Green Bay. I do feel like my tension has released completely though after this last pick. My body is in a euphoric state. It's sweaty and numb. Death comes quickly. Eyes glaze. The Bends? Perhaps we are at altitude. I do not know?

1:23: Clay Matthews is a dirty awful man. I do not like him. THE EXPEDITION HAS HOPE PERHAPS? (note, probably not)

1:20: Earl Thomas just put his helmet on and I clapped. Things are still bad, but that's okay

1:18: The Seahawks finally playing the version of their game that is good enough to lose a close one!

1:15: Seattle gets their first first down. FIRST FIRST!

1:12: Byron Maxwell has more catches than the Seahawks receivers. So does Richard Sherman. Let's switch sides!

1:09: Ha Ha Clinton Dix has more catches than the Seahawks. DON'T STOP FEELING. LET THE HURT PUSH YOU THROUGH THE BARRIER TO TRUTH.

1:06: Russell Wilson has 0 yards? This LiveSlog is quickly turning into the journal of a man on a doomed South Pole expedition.

1:04: 16-0 Packers. The suffering will lead us to truth.

1:02 Earl Thomas is hurt as the NFC Championship game turns into Sartre's No Exit.

12:57: Is it better to burn out or fade away? Is anyone reading this at this point? I can't imagine yes....

12:52: Live the meltdown. Love the meltdown.

12:48: Packers 13-0 at the end of the first quarter. This is the worst possible start for the Seahawks. Literally no battle is going their way. Interested to see if the Seahawks have any answers, because it looks very very bad.

12:41: Packers 6-0 Seahawks. Things should be worse, but the Seahawks don't look to have any advantages in important parts of the field. That's a bad thing. Need to establish the run.

12:39: Alvin Bailey against Julius Peppers is looking to be an unfortunate mismatch.

12:34: "Packers fans are cringing" -Troy Aikman

Packers Fan Cringing
  • Jesse James Gordon

Proof that Troy Aikman is right!

12:32: Doug Baldwin junk fumble is the worst thing that you could have happen in the first quarter.

12:30: DO NOT TAKE IT OUT EVER PLEASE. What a nightmare this game is already.

12:27: 3-0 Packers is a huge win for the Seahawks after that turnover. Huge. Win.

12:23: Not a TD. Last year the same thing happened, and then the 9ers lost Mike Iupati on the next play. I'm rooting for injuries... who am I? Why?

12:21: American Sniper is the fake movie from Inglorious Basterds

12:18: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has a funny name. I hate him right now, though.

12:15: A lot went wrong on that drive and the Packers gave us the ball back on the 20 with no points. Feels good.

12:13: RICHARD SHERMAN FOREVER HE'S THE BEST DON'T THROW AT HIM EMOTIONS ALREADY AT 11

12:10 SERIOUSLY PLEASE NO PENALTIES GUYS.

12:08 PLEASE NO PENALTIES GUYS.

12:03: Two things. The Seahawks won the toss and deferred which is great. They love to get their D out first. Also Katherine McPhee sang the National Anthem which is, who?

11:56: I don't root for anyone's appendix to burst... unless it's the night before they play the Seahawks. Packers wide receiver Randall Cobb being out would have been huge. A limited Cobb would also be huge. I think I'm in a very bad place right now.

11:50: It seems like a good time to note that I'm watching this game directly adjacent to the biggest Packers fan I know. I never watch Seahawks games with opposing fans, but there's one bar in this town. My insufferability will only be exacerbated by this development.

11:33: Doug Baldwin reportedly returning kicks? Yes please! Marshawn Lynch reportedly getting told by the NFL that he would be ejected if he wore gold shoes? NO THANKS.

11:25: And now the rain has reportedly stopped? ADVANTAGE me being annoyed by Seattle weather even when I'm not in Seattle.

11:14: For those of you in the comments typing "Go Pack Go" here's some hot Taiwanese footage of Aaron Rodgers' calf injury:

AaronRodgers.0.gif

11:06: Important tweet for all the Parks and Rec Heads out there:


10:59: Right Tackle Justin Britt showed up on Wednesday's injury report, but then practiced on Thursday so no worries, right? WRONG! He's out! This is probably not good? Britt has been a valuable part of the Seahawks rushing attack, but he's poor in pass protection. Backup Alvin Bailey has been pretty good when called upon at left tackle. This does mean we're one injury on the O-Line away from some serious problems, so no one else get hurt plz, thx.

10:53: It's pouring freezing rain back east, and I'm hearing that the weather is similarly miserable in Seattle. ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Aaron Rodgers is already a step below his best on the road, and wet windy conditions will only make the Packers strongest strength less strong.