If You’re New to Seattle, Here’s What You Need

She Thought He Was Perfect—Then She Checked Out the Girls He Was Checking Out

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He's perfect for me. I'm perfect for him. Finally I found him. We're two peas in a pod. We're planning on getting married. Two years together. We are both 53. All is good and well with one glaring exception that I can't put down. And I want to put it down but don't know how. I keep carrying it around in my head. He said early on, during a discussion about porn, you can look in my computer. I have nothing to hide. I've tried porn in the past and it's just not my thing. I get that men like it and some women do too. I am an open, adventurous, GGG person. I'm not a jealous freak.

So, I looked on his computer recently. I wish I hadn't. Does that make me a freak?
I saw that he was checking out brunette teenagers. Teenagers. Now I'm freaked. I don't know how to think about this. It's plaguing me. I have a beautiful brunette daughter, age 20. She has a whole lotta brunette girlfriends. All lovely, young and beautiful. Help me figure out how to put this together with the man I love.

Mom In Angst

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A Midwesterner's Snow Shoveling DOs and DON'Ts For Clueless Seattleites

Originally posted Jan 17, 2012.

Shoveling DO:
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Do shovel a path from your house or apartment to your car/the street and spend five extra minutes shoveling the sidewalks to the edge of your property line. If a little old lady lives next door, shovel a path from her door to the street and the sidewalks in front of her house. If your neighbors are away, skip the path to their front door but shovel their sidewalks too. And don't bitch about how hard it is to shovel three inches of freaking snow. You need all the exercise you can get in the run up to Thanksgiving.

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Some Thoughts on Roger Stone's Grandson, Anal Douching, and More

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He's middle aged and new to pegging and has just one question, the ghosting that wasn't, miserable married woman gives happily married man permission to see a trans escort, and why can this guy only get hard when smelling maple syrup? And, as always, last week's column and Lovecast.

First, on Roger Stone's grandson:

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He Can Only Get Hard When Smelling Maple Syrup

Originally published Sep. 9, 2010.

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I'm a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I inhaled the scent while pleasuring myself, and now I can't perform without it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and "accidentally" spilling syrup on them? I don't think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice?

Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady

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Miserable Married Woman Gives Happily Married Man Permission to See a Trans Escort

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I'm a happily married man. I have a wife and two kids. I love them all. She is usually very GGG and has indulged pretty much every kink I threw at her. (Except for male chastity devices.) We started the relationship actually pretty open about what we wanted. I basically told her I love bottoming. Nothing mixes like weed and anal. I'm not gay—at least I really don't think I am—but I like getting fucked. We peg often. Enter my long standing fascination with transgender women.

This interest, which I've kept hidden from literally everyone I've ever met, was discovered by my wife when I forgot to close a porn browser. She didn't know how to take it at first. She wasn't mad. It was more like she was sad because she couldn't be what I wanted. She eventually started asking me questions and it basically came down to me wanting to get fucked by a real cock but without the dude part. She processed this and eventually began to seem really understanding. She went as far to say that it must be really hard to feel trapped in a relationship with someone you love when you want something else. She made the decision that she would be totally okay with me going to see an escort and if I enjoyed it we could come up with some rules to abide by. For a few days I thought I had hit the jackpot.

But... this feeling of dread just washed over me. I did some research and quickly decided who would fit the bill in terms of looks and local. (I live in a world city so the choice is seemingly endless.) But as I got closer to the idea of initiating contact with a trans escort I started to think about what it could mean to our relationship. It made me have serious doubts about whether or not this was even something I wanted to do. So I began talking to my wife about it—as often as she would enthusiastically allow—and she didn't hide that she wasn't to keen on knowing specific details and that she would probably be a little jealous but she didn't want to hold me back from trying something that meant so much to me. Those words made me feel like a completely selfish piece of turd.

And now I'm at a standstill. I have a hall pass to try something I've always wanted but something internally is telling me to slow the fuck down. How can I make the right call?

Throw Me A Lifeline

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The Ghosting That Wasn't

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I'm an eighteen-year-old high school senior who also happens to be a queer woman. I've been out for four years and my romantic life has been mostly healthy over that period. I started seeing a senior who recently transferred to my school and I had a really good time with her. We like the same music, books, etc., and she would get on my level, conversation-wise, in ways that most others wouldn't. She wasn't afraid to disagree or argue with me which I liked and I found her to be someone I often playfully sparred with. For a while, we were really enthusiastic about seeing each other. But after a couple of months, she grew very uncommunicative and things fell apart. She kept canceling dates without explanation which seriously frustrated me and when I called her on it (by asking if she was trying to tell me she didn't want to continue seeing me), she ghosted me. She outright pretended I wasn't there at school and refused to answer my texts. I felt like I didn't even have closure which drove me insane. It's been about three months since the incident and I feel at times downright obsessed. I realize that her breaking things off in that way was wrong and immature but I can't help but feel that I still have feelings for her which also drives me insane. It makes me uncomfortable to be around her, and I can't figure out why it's taking me so excruciatingly long to get over something problematic that lasted such a short amount of time. What do I do to keep living normally?

Confused And Frustrated

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He's Middle Aged and New to Pegging and Has Just One Question...

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I'm a 50ish straight male who has fantasized for a long, long time about having my ass fucked by a beautiful woman with a strap-on. After a few near misses over the years, I finally have a gorgeous GGG woman in my life who is not only supportive of the idea, she's turned on by it too. Here's the rub: my bowels don't seem to be on board. Let's just say things aren't as firm as they could be. I've been taking probiotic supplements for several weeks, but the results are sporadic and unpredictable.

Since you helped coin the term pegging, Dan, I was hoping you might have some insight that could help her and I bring our shared fantasy to fruition. Are there any steps I can take, dietary or medicinal, that could safely "dam things up" for a short time so we can occasionally add this kink to the list of others that she and I enjoy together?

Please Eliminate Grossness Mishaps Entirely

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Why Is Brevity Such an Issue With My Letter Writers?

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Does she have to tell randos that she has an IUD? She's thinking about divorce but Plan A and Plan B both suck. Is there a Plan C? He would rather be with a sex worker than a waitress. Where can a bisexual woman find a bisexual woman? Bisexual Twitter is here to help! And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First up...

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Savage Love: Furry Road

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Joe Newton
I'm an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We've been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it's not bad. However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn't self-identify as a furry; he doesn't have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn't allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him (I've offered). We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I've found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on. I consider myself a fairly sexual person and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We're talking about starting a family, and I'm scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

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Where Can a Bisexual Woman Find a Bisexual Woman? Bisexual Twitter Is Here to Help!

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I'm a 32-year-old woman. I've always known I had it in me to be sexually and romantically attracted to all genders, but because of severe social pressure I chose/was forced onto the path of least resistance as a teen and ended up only dating cis male people. The social cost of me dating a girl in my country, in my family was just too high, and I didn't HAVE to do that to find love and have relationships, so there we are. I've had one long-term relationship with a man as an adult (six years), and another one after that (eight years), which brings me to the present day. I've never had the chance to explore the side of me that's attracted to female-presenting people, since both the men in these LTR were 100% straight and monogamous.

So now I'm 32 years old and quite experienced with hetero sex and a complete virgin when it comes to sex with any other gender than cis male. I've fooled around with women before, kissing and heavy petting and such, but nothing I would describe as sex. It doesn't help that the lesbian cis women I personally know are... kind of mean about it? Obviously #notalllesbians, but every lesbian woman I've been close with has been very irritated by me identifying as bisexual if I haven't had sex with women. My best friend recently snapped at me that I'm just a fake bisexual for attention if I've never acted on it. Another friend told me that being bisexual was a privilege and I had no right to "whine" about the difficult aspects of it to her. The two LGBTQ groups I've been part of were dominated by monosexual people who did not have many nice things to say about bisexual women. So while I'm sure this isn't universal, it's definitely a pattern for me personally and it hurts a lot.

So now I'm headed down a dark path where I'm becoming actively scared of approaching lesbian women. I've tried to find bisexual women through dating apps, but having a profile as a young-ish bisexual woman looking to experiment only seems to attract straight dudes looking for threesomes (which I'm actually open to, but these creeps sure do know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!) I guess other bisexual women have the same problem I do, because I can't find them for the life of me. And I'm afraid monosexual women will be a little cruel about my inexperience and identity. Maybe going out there as a unicorn would help, but I've got the same anxiety about that. Like I said, this has been happening since I was a teen. It's unsettling to be a sexually experienced virgin and I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to pop my lady-cherry! But I don't know how to find someone who won't take my half-virginity as a sign that I'm faking bi for attention. I think I'm coming down with sexual impostor syndrome.

Not Faking

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He Would Rather Be With a Sex Worker Than a Waitress

Originally published on June 25, 2009.

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I am a fairly successful man. I don't make bank like Wall Streeters back in the day, but I haven't been hungry since college. My girlfriend is younger. We met when she was in grad school. Like many recent grads, she's not steadily employed, in debt, and driving an unsafe car. So I support her, house her, feed her, and pay her bills (medical, etc.). She needed to pay off her credit-card debt—28 percent interest rate!—so she took work stripping and later as an escort. Through escorting she was able to pay off her credit-card debt in a month.

Now some guys would find this distressing, but I found it kind of hot. Here's the thing: After she paid off her credit-card debt, she stopped escorting. I'd like her to continue part-time until she finds a career. She's mixed on this. We would like to buy a house and make things more permanent, but our income isn't enough to do that if she's making waitress wages. I guess it boils down to this: I would prefer to be with a sex worker than a waitress. I'd rather she make $200/hour on her back than $10/hour on her feet. She says she has issues with sex work. What do you think?

Perhaps I'm Mildly Perverted

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Savage Love: Big Little Lies

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Joe Newton
I'm a middle-aged man dating a younger guy. He wanted to be a "boy" to a Dom top daddy, and I was happy to oblige. The sex is amazing, and we click as people, too. Then a couple days ago, he told me he wanted to explore small penis humiliation (SPH). I was taken aback—not by the request, but because his penis is NOT small! It's not huge, but it's at least average. And it's thick! I'm not super hung, so it's not that he seems small in comparison—I have maybe an inch on him. When I pointed this out, he claimed I was just trying to make him feel better about his small size! He said I was patronizing him. He ended the conversation by saying he would drop it, since it was obviously making me uncomfortable. Honestly, I am uncomfortable with it. I just can't imagine bringing myself to go on about how small his dick is when I'm actually thinking how much that thing would hurt if he were to top me. But my bigger concern is that doing SPH might feed into possible body dysmorphia. The way he reacted to being told his penis wasn't small was a red flag—it told me this isn't just a fantasy. It's not that he wants to be made to FEEL it's small; he really believes it is small. How is this different from telling a skinny boyfriend what a big fat pig he is? I really like this guy, and I think this could go somewhere. I want to be GGG, but not at the cost of his mental health.

Need Objectivity, Savage, Please Help!

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She's Thinking About Divorce But Plan A and Plan B Both Suck. Is There a Plan C?

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I have problem that I’m sure you heard before yet feels very unique to me. I am a late-30’s lesbian married to a late-30’s lesbian and we have a child together (elementary-aged). My wife and I are both good, kind people, we get along well, we both love each other (even if we don’t always like each other), and yet… we are not a good match. We both agree that we got married to young (25) and too soon. We have had therapy, individual and together, and come to a place where it is pretty clear that we are not a good “fit.” My wife has asked for a separation, which I agreed to. We are doing an in-house separation, which essentially entails splitting our bedroom down the middle, splitting finances, and setting a pretty concrete responsibility schedule. Two weeks in, and she says that she “doesn’t want to rip the bandaid off, but probably should," i.e., divorce. Honestly, I don’t know exactly what will happen.

So here’s the question: I agree that we would be better off apart from each other, as individuals. But we have a daughter. I would be fine on my own with our kid, but am horrified at the thought of doing one-week-on, one-week-off, or really anything similar, with this child whom I adore. I want to be a daily part of my daughter’s life. My wife wants 50-50 time, but doesn’t care as much about specifics. She (my wife) likes the idea of living together as “family,” moving to a 3 bed-room house, until the kid is older. In theory, I like this idea. It makes sense. Wife also says she can’t imagine life without me in it. However, I am fine without my wife, but a mess when she’s around. All of this just hurts too much. We’ve discussed opening the relationship (she has a much higher libido than I do), but she doesn’t want that. So, essentially, I am stuck with… I can (a) see my daughter daily and live with my potentially-soon-to-be-former-wife/new-housemate (probably better for kid) and be an emotional wreck, or (b) split custody, be better emotionally re: wife, but miss out on half my daughter’s life and be upset about that. Or are there a (c) I’m not seeing? (a) and (b) both break my heart, albeit in different ways.

Don't Use My Real Name

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Does She Have to Tell Randos That She Has an IUD?

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I'm a 21-year-old female who has an IUD. I've had sex with quite a few men and one thing seems to be almost constant among them: trying to fuck without condoms. Many of the men I've been with seem to be perfectly fine and terribly eager to have sex without condoms. This has always angered me. They generally assume or make sure I'm on birth control, which they immediately take to mean condom-free sex is welcome. I don't want to have sex without condoms without being in a committed relationship. I know people cheat and monogamy doesn't mean STIs won't happen but it's the risk I'm comfortable with. I'm so annoyed now with how often men try to get out of using condoms (it's often persistent and even with people I've been seeing a while) that I kind of want to start lying and say I'm not on birth control. The risk of a baby seems to be the only STI most men are concerned with. Is it alright for me to lie and say I'm not on any birth control and explain why I lied later on if things get serious?

I'm Understandably Distressed

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Some Thoughts on Coming, Catholicism, and Making a Portrait of Trump Out of Dicks

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: An arts patron seeks to donate dildos for Trump massive likeness; this guy isn't who he thought he was and this relationship isn't what she thinks it is; marriage, kids, furry porn, and the price of admission; and her sext-and-Skype boyfriend got busted by his wife and now he doesn't have time for her.

First, sometimes my advice sucks...

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