The Stranger's Burger Week Lineup Is Here!

Savage Love: Seattle & Denver

may30_savage_quickies-word-find_mag.jpg
Joe Newton
Savage Love Live swooped into Seattle's Egyptian Theater and Denver's Oriental Theater over the last two weekends. I couldn't get to everyone's questions at these sold-out shows—there were so many great questions and I'm just one lousy advice columnist—so I'm going to power through as many as I can in this week's column.


Weddings are terrible. I attended "Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings," and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to "rat" these couples out to each other?

Weddings aren't terrible, people are—some of them, not all of them. But you certainly aren't obligated to "rat" these couples out to each other. You aren't even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.

Continue reading »

That Word You Keep Using. To Describe That Thing That Happened To Me. That Thing I Did. Fuck the Fuck Off With That.

SAVAGE-Letter-of-the-Day-STAMP-2019.jpg

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She loves her husband but worries she's gay; one SLLOTD, two letters:One from a woman who should cheat, one from a woman who shouldn't have cheated; tall guys don't do it for him and short guys don't go to his gym; and, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Regarding our conversations about men and abortion on the Lovecast and Blabbermouth:

Continue reading »

Sponsored

Stranger readers save over 50% on made to measure custom menswear at Indochino

Indochino makes custom-tailored suits, shirts, chinos and blazers so you get a perfect fit at a great price. You take on the role of designer, choosing from hundreds of fabrics and customizations. Your garments are made for you and shipped in just two weeks!

You can shop online at indochino.com or book an appointment at one of their showrooms including 5th Ave. and most recently Bellevue Square.

For a limited time, Stranger readers can get a premium custom suit for $379* with code STRANGER

*Valid on premium fabrics, excludes luxury and tuxedo fabrics. Ends 8/31/2019. Cannot be combined with other offers. Other restrictions apply.

Click HERE to book your appointment.


Tall Guys Don't Do It For Him and Short Guys Don't Go to His Gym

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

I’m going to sound pretty arrogant but I know my value on the open market. I’m 44, Black, well-educated, and pretty jacked. (I spend a solid three hours lifting almost every day.) I get laid a lot, but I’m more marriage-minded these days. I’ve had three significant relationships but I’m a 5’6” Black top & I sincerely adore buff bottom guys who are shorter than me. And even though I don’t entertain advances from tall guys, I get pursued by tall guys whenever I leave the house—especially at the gym. It's such a weird paradox that I have trouble even meeting guys shorter than me because I know they exist. But it seems like all the 6’5” guys are drawn to my lil pit bull physique. A lot of friends tell me to just give these tall guys a chance but I have in the past and it always ends poorly. Short guys are always down for a solid pounding but I am truly so over random hookups. So the question is... hold out for my physically ideal Mighty Mouse or surrender to one of these Towering Infernos?

I’m not 100% sure I did this right. I guess I’m supposed to create a pseudonym? Sign me...

Whatever

P.S. The only thing weirder than me writing to an advice column is that a straight buddy of mine raves about Savage Love endlessly.

Continue reading »

Two Letters: One From a Woman Who Should Cheat, One From a Woman Who Shouldn't Have Cheated

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

I'm a 40-year-old straight (closeted bi-curious) woman married for twenty years to a very kind, hardworking, and devoted man. We married young and had a child right away. We have grown up together and are now enjoying the empty nest. Except here's the rub... or lack thereof...

We have never had much of a sex life. The first few years were sparse due to us raising an infant/toddler, and me not making sex a priority. Come to think of it, we haven't had much intimacy at all, which bothers me. When things do actually transpire, it is vanilla at best. I make sure he is satisfied, he rolls over and falls asleep. No cuddling, kissing, or conversation. (All things I've tactfully let him know are important to me.)
I please him in ways he has told me he enjoys. He rarely initiates or gives oral sex. I have to ask for it. And so on and so forth. We have had droughts. This current one is by far the worst. So with no kid in the house, and no need to use any auditory restraint, he won't touch me. I have tried to talk with him. He promises he isn't being unfaithful, he promises me that he is still attracted to me. All I can drag out of him is, "I am just not up for it... I don't know why."

I am in my prime. I think about sex 10-20 times a day. I fantasize about my husband and I. However after being rejected for the fiftieth time (give or take) I told him that I give up. I'm hurt. I'm full of resentment. I just want to walk away. However, we made a promise to each other. Forever means forever. So "DTMFA" is not an option. Now I can't even watch people displaying affection on TV, movies, or in public. It just makes me resent him more. And I cry. I just want to feel his touch.

What can I do? I've tried bringing new and adventurous kink to the bedroom. I have tried patience. I've initiated. I've tried toys. I've tried romance. I've tried everything. This hurts so much. We are not in a place financially to acquire professional/clinical counsel, however, he has seen his doc and his equipment checks out okay. Please tell me what to do. Cheating would break his heart, but celibacy is breaking mine. I feel trapped in a box and am slowly running out of air.

Craving A Sex Encounter Dammit

Continue reading »

She Loves Her Husband But Worries She's Gay

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

I think I might be gay. I remember once wanting to kiss my best friend when I was maybe twelve. I also remember seeing an actress look too good in a movie and going home and pacing around thinking, "It's ok for other people to be gay, but not me!" Then I forgot about it for a while. I went to an all girls high school and wished I had a boyfriend. I had a huge crush on a guy in my twenties. For me, it's less about looks—some men have this aura about them that turns me on. I always thought women were more interesting to look at but I just thought that that was some sort of truth about people and not my own sexuality. I had a close female friend in college ask me if I wanted to touch her boobs and take a shower together once, and I didn't want to. We're both with men now. I recently had very short hair, and tried to become a barber, and it had a lot of people questioning my sexual orientation. Could they see something that I was blind to? That whole time was filled with sexual tension, both from the questioning of my identity, and from being surrounded by men who were horny for me. This would build up a hungry desire for my husband, who would happily oblige. Yes, I'm married. And I've been thinking a lot about having kids, and I'm worried that I might be gay. He knows this. He finds my worrying over whether or not I'm a secret lesbian to be comforting somehow. He says he's most worried about the things he doesn't know to worry about while I worry about things he wouldn't have thought to worry about. I'm ok with being gay, but I don't want to leave my husband and the life we have together. I love showing my husband my body, I love how he reacts to it and touches me, I love our intimacy. I love gazing at his body and being naked together. He makes me come. But sometimes I have dreams I'm with a woman and wake up with the thought, "I'm gay!" Is this just OCD or my truth trying to burst through? I know I need to know myself, but I'm just so unsure. Help!

Some Confusion Unconsciously Rousing Real Emotional Distress

P.S. Your advice gives me so much understanding.

Continue reading »

Savage Love: Hard Feelings

may23_savage_bad-feelings_flag_mag.jpg
Joe Newton
I keep running into the same issue with my best friend of five years. (She's also my maid of honor at my upcoming wedding.) We're both empaths—most of my friends are—and we're both in therapy working on how to cope with that. I have severe anxiety that impacts my physical health, so one of the empath-related issues I'm working on is not following through with plans when I need to take time alone. My friend claims she understands this but my actions severely impact her mood. Example: We'll make tentative plans to get together, I'll feel too sick to follow through, and then she's in a negative emotional spiral for days. The final straw came when she called me late this past Friday night—just once, with no subsequent voice mail, text message, or follow-up call. On Monday morning, I sent her a text message asking how her weekend was and got an icy reply. Evidently, something happened to her on Friday, she called me for support, and my failure to return her call left her feeling very upset. I apologized for the accidental trigger and tried to lay down some protocols for reaching out in an emergency situation (leave me a voice mail and send a follow-up text) so I know it's urgent. She hasn't replied. I'm really frustrated. She has a lot of baggage around being shamed for being emotional, so I try to be careful not to invalidate her feelings, but I don't know if that's even making a difference. We've had several conflicts over the last year, always triggered by something I did or said, almost always accidentally, that caused her to "take a step back." She insists she understands I'm doing my best to be a good friend while also working through my own emotional shit. But that's not the sense I'm getting. I'm feeling increasingly like it's impossible to be a human being AND her friend. Until recently, I had zero emotional boundaries and made myself available to her at a moment's notice to help shoulder her emotional burden. But now that I'm trying to be more conservative with my abundance and take better care of myself, it seems like all I do is hurt her. What the fuck do I do? I've tried to be open-minded and patient with her dramatic mood swings, but she seems unable to give me the benefit of the doubt, which I always try to give her. This rocky ground between us is adding more stress to the whole wedding situation. (You're supposed to be able to rely on your maid of honor, right?) This thing we have is not sustainable as it is, although I love her deeply. Help me figure this out?

Emotions Making Personal Affection Too Hard

Continue reading »

Reader Advice Round-up: Cremasters, Huzzbenns, and Abortions in Georgia

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: His boyfriend made constant and baseless accusations of cheating and then he cheated, the man she married stole her car, he loves having his balls sucked but it hurts and that sucks, sexually inexhaustible husband expects too much from completely exhausted wife, and, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

I talked about abortion rights and Georgia's abortion ban on the top of a recent Lovecast and someone involved in the fight on the ground there wrote in with some great points...

Continue reading »

Sexually Inexhaustible Husband Expects Too Much From Completely Exhausted Wife

SAVAGE-Letter-of-the-Day-STAMP-2019.jpg

I’m a 35-year-old straight woman married to a 42-year-old straight man. We have four kids and although my body came out of it all in pretty hot shape, I am fucking exhausted. I absolutely love sex and have a pretty high sex drive. We have sex nearly daily. I have come to accept that I am vanilla. Maybe like a jalapeño vanilla, but still pretty damn vanilla. My husband is incredible. Handsome, kind, a great father and a generous, creative lover. But I am exhausted. I’m tired of the toys and the bondage and the the ideas. He has so many fucking ideas. I’ve tried them all and some were a lot of fun and some were a turn-off and some just were uncomfortable. He enjoys my pleasure and has never pressured me to continue doing anything I didn’t enjoy.

But he recently proposed a MMF threesome... by sharing MMF web page he'd been curating for the last two years. His feeling is that it would be super enjoyable for me. My feeling is that I am fucking exhausted but this is clearly an idea that he's very interested in and I want him to experience all the fun from his great ideas. We have talked a lot and I offered him the opportunity to go find a nice kinky girlfriend or a million nice kinky one-night stands—with boundaries we both agreed on and with the expectation that he would want to continue having regular spicy vanilla sex with me. He was happy to have the option but says he doesn’t see himself taking the time to find something like that.

My question is do I still have to be GGG? Is the offer of him exploring all his ideas elsewhere enough to count as me being a good sport or is this just a cop out?

Trying Ideas Really Exhausts Dis Mama

Continue reading »

He Loves Having His Balls Sucked But It Hurts And That Sucks

SAVAGE-Letter-of-the-Day-STAMP-2019.jpg
I'm a straight guy and I'm really into having my balls sucked—it's one of my favorite things and just thinking about it turns me on. But whenever I've had my balls sucked, it hurts, and ball pain is not a kink of mine! It hurts enough to override any pleasure, and I have to tell my partner to stop. Is this normal? Does ball sucking hurt for everyone? Is there something I can do to make it less painful?

She Can't Roughly Osculate Trouser Eggs

Continue reading »

The Man She Married Stole Her Car

SAVAGE-Letter-of-the-Day-STAMP-2019.jpg
I'm a 41-year-old woman in my second marriage to a 42-year-old man who's been married twice before me. I lived on my own for ten years between marriages, raising my two kids and dating, but swearing I didn't want to get married again. That changed when I met D, who is funny, kind, has a great job and kids I love like crazy. They are a little younger than mine, and have some special needs. He left his town—over an hour away—and moved in less than a year later, and we got married a year or so after that. We'd always been "monogamish," and he's always pushed my boundaries a bit and opened me up to new things. But...

A few times he's pushed the boundaries too far: he has cheated on me by establishing "secret" relationships with friends and lying repeatedly. The most recent time was last fall, as we were in the middle of a crisis and custody fight for his kids. To save our marriage I proposed trying to be poly, since that is basically what he was going to be doing anyway, but at least I'd know about it. He promised to be completely honest, and has been as far as I know. He currently has a girlfriend and I've begun seeing someone.

Continue reading »

His Boyfriend Made Constant and Baseless Accusations of Cheating and Then He Cheated

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

I'm a 29-year-old gay male and I just screwed up a year-long relationship. I was head over heels in love with this man, he was the first serious relationship. However, he is/was very insecure. We live in neighboring towns and I usually would go see him on the weekends. On a handful of occasions, I would wake up in the middle of the night to see that he had blown up my phone. He would accuse me of ignoring him and of screwing around behind his back and say he was going to end things with me. I would have to call him in the middle of the night and talk to him for hours to calm him down.

It's been a year, but long story short, I did end up cheating on him. I wasn't feeling sexually fulfilled, and I met someone on Grindr. I'm not sure how he knew, but I suspected he found out from accessing my Google account and seeing my app history and my Google photos. I feel awful on so many levels, but especially because he was a deeply insecure person. Instead of helping him, I made his insecurities worse. I adored him and now I feel nothing but pain and regret.

My question for you is, was he ultimately justified in his constant accusations and snooping? Aside from the obvious that I cheated, was I always in the wrong? I mean, previously, were my actions leading him to believe that I was not being faithful? Was I gaslighting him? I just feel hurt and so confused by this whole situation. He's posted on his Facebook page that I'm a cheater. Should I block him? Should I try to leave the door open for him? I need an outside opinion on how to proceed.

Hookup Undermined Relationship Totally

Continue reading »

Non-Monogamy! Why Didn’t I Think of That!

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Does my potential kinky casual hookup need to know I'm married? Dude's desire to blow up his balls blows innocent dude's mind. Should she dump the amazing man who helped her get on her feet? We want to hook up with a friend but not his husband and they only "play together." Is there a workaround? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First up, it turns out there is a study about that...

Continue reading »

We Want to Hook Up With a Friend But Not His Husband and They Only "Play Together." Is There a Workaround?

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

Me and my husband are both in our mid-20s and in an open marriage, although we haven't really been with anyone else until this recent hookup with a classmate of mine who's also gay, married, and about my age.

We met in college and became friends. Recently, he started flirting with me and suggesting that we should "hang out" together with our husbands. We did, and we all got along pretty well as friends, but as me and my husband are two very awkward introverts, we didn't do anything beyond casual hugs. Also... we weren't very physically attracted to my friend's husband. But we decided to keep it going just for experimenting and hopefully we could work it out. A few days later, all four of us hung out again and they wound up inviting us to their apartment. The four of us made out with each other, sucked each other's dicks, etc. It was awesome... in part. Me, my husband, and my friend got along really well. However, I was crazy anxious throughout the whole night—so much so I couldn't even have an erection—because I'm simply not attracted to my friend's husband. He's very nice but we just didn't connect in bed and I don't find him hot. So half of the time I was worrying that he would feel left out, worrying that he would notice that I wasn't interested in him, and being kinda disgusted for forcing myself to be with this person that I didn't want to be with. All of this would be pretty simple to solve if their agreement wasn't that they can only be with other people together. So I guess that having sex only with my friend isn't an option.

So, couple questions... were we wrong to hook up with them knowing that we might not like being with both of them? Is there a middle ground here where we can still fuck with my friend without, like, touching his husband in that way? Is there even a way of proposing this without being offensive? Or should we just stop seeing them?

Wanted A Threesome, Settled For A Foursome

Continue reading »

Should She Dump the Amazing Man Who Helped Her Get On Her Feet?

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

I'm a bisexual mid-30s female who's been with the same guy for 14 years. Our relationship has been through a lot of ups and downs, with me intermittently getting crushes on other folks and wondering if I needed to go out and date other people (I was a late bloomer). I also intermittently struggled with anxiety and depression, and felt like I was leaning too much on him for support. I thought maybe I needed to develop the strength to be okay on my own. I was open with him about all this, and he was understandably not happy about it—he really wanted to be together. I brought up taking a break, but he was adamant that he didn't believe in breaks, and that just meant a break-up. Which was reasonable.

Anyway, I sought advice from a therapist, my family and friends: the therapist and my family all strongly thought that I should stay with him at least until my anxiety and depression got better and THEN decide whether or not to leave the relationship. (A couple friends thought otherwise, but I chose to trust the professional in this case.) I still felt really guilty about leaning on him if I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, so I left for a while and went back to my family. My family's abusive in some ways, though, with major anger issues, so I couldn't lean on them, and I was so deep in my anxiety that I had a hard time reaching out to friends for support. And my therapist kept saying to go back to him, because he was my main support system and I really needed support to get better. I was at the end of my rope, so I did.

Continue reading »

Dude's Desire to Blow Up His Balls Blows Innocent Dude's Mind

1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg
So I was innocently browsing the personal ads on Craigslist and saw one from a dude who was looking to try "saline balls" for the first time. Having no idea what this was, I googled it. Even worse, I google-imaged it. I pride myself on being unshockable, but I was completely and utterly mortified at what I saw. With that said, my copious internet searching failed to yield the answers to the basic/most important questions regarding saline balls: (1) What is the procedure/process for salining one's balls? (2) What about it turns on the saliner/salinee? (3) How long does the effect last? (4) Can it be (god forbid) irreversible?

Completely Utterly Mortified

Continue reading »