Reddit Thinks I'm Dead: AMA

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Um...

Hello Bottit, get ready to have all of your most pressing questions answered TWICE! u/dearabbotnik will respond with predictive text keyboards trained on Dear Abby answers. u/danbotsavage with keyboards trained on Savage Love answers. Botnik Studios staff will use both keyboards to bring these famous columnists back to life to answer your burning questions. You ask the questions, they respond, your votes will determine once and for all who gives the best advice.

Shouldn't that be "gave the best advice," considering how dead I am? (Full disclosure: Pauline Philips, the original Dear Abby, died in 2013. Her daughter Jeanne now writes Dear Abby. Like me, Jeane is not dead.) Also... I'm a little confused by the illo.


Reader to Gay Trump Voter: May You Die Alone and Unloved in the Filthiest Unregulated Roach-Infested Nursing Home Because the GOP Defunded the Medicaid Program That Pays for It

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It's Reader Advice Roundup day!

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Should this 23-year-old proposition their hot high school teacher and his hot wife? When should this letter-writer disclose her bonus vagina? Is this woman's husband too hot for them to open up their relationship? And a gay Trump voter wonders why no one will fuck him. (I don't wonder. I know.) And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Regarding sausage fests and clam bakes:

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Gay Trump Voter: No One Will Fuck Me!

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I am a 28-year-old gay white male living in Houston, Texas. In the six years since I came out and became sexually active, I have used various apps off and on, for dating and for sex. I like to think I have done my best to be respectful of the people I have slept with. Recently, I have noticed a handful of profiles that explicitly state "I do not sleep with republicans" or "Trump supporters swipe left."

As you might have guessed by now, these labels apply to me.

I am asking you to set aside the (I imagine) revulsion you feel toward me and think clinically of the choices presented to the object of these proscriptions. So far, I have always blocked, left swiped, or ignored messages from these profiles. This is the most charitable course, and is self-respecting.

However, it is also an ethical requirement? There is nothing that betrays my political affiliation on my profile. If I wanted to sleep with one of these people, I could. I could subsequently reveal my voting history or could vanish without my partner ever becoming wise of it.

I view written proscriptions against groups of people as mean spirited at best, but I think everyone has the right to their own filter (even if I view it as the moral equivalent of a Gryffindor saying "I don't sleep with Hufflepuffs" - and yes, this is your chance to joke about Slytherin). If I sleep with someone while declining to volunteer information that would have caused them to withdraw consent, am I functionally sleeping with them without their consent? Does the interaction (however satisfying their orgasm) devolve into some sort of rape?

Curious to know if you would also reach this conclusion, how you might weigh it relative to other sexual sins and misdemeanors, and more broadly, how you think those of us on the right should treat our woke counterparts when our paths cross romantically.

Sorta Wondering If This Commonly Happens

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Is My Husband Too Hot for Us to Open Our Relationship?

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I guess I'm bi-curious. I have known since I was about nine that I like girls. As I got to high school I got caught staring at a girl's boobs and one girl's body and was made fun of pretty bad. I also made the mistake of telling one of my high school boyfriends about it. He didn't like it. I regretted telling him, I felt something was wrong with me, so I never hooked up with any girls in high school. I tell you all of this to get some background and see if you can help me tell if it's not just bicurious but bisexual.

Anyhow, in summer after my senior year met my husband & at 18 started dating. A few years into it I told him about my attraction to women and he is cool with it, but we made a decision to be monogamous, so no acting on it. We can watch porn together, we can check out girls together and make fun of each other for our preferences in women.

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Sex

Non-Monogamous Couples Are Not (Necessarily) "Unfaithful"

This is a weird way into this post, I realize, but I have a severe case of jet lag right now so... we're going in the weird way: reading Dear Prudence today made me think of this section from one Sister Mary's monologues in Christopher Durang's Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You:

I want to be very clear about the Immaculate Conception. It does not mean that the Blessed Mother gave birth to Christ without the prior unpleasantness of physical intimacy. That is true, but is not called the Immaculate Conception; that is called the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception means that the Blessed Mother was herself born without original sin. Everyone makes this error, and it makes me lose my patience.

So, like, jet lag, anyway...

In today's "Dear Prudence" live chat, Slate's terrific resident advice columnist, Daniel Mallory Ortberg, took a question from a "white, married, heterosexual, cisgender" reader. This LW was upset that her queer, kinky, non-monogamous friends—one or more of them (it's unclear in the letter)—were mocking her for being vanilla and monogamous. (The LW'S queer friend(s) also scolded her for referring to a drag queen as "she," which is pretty standard. So it's possible her queer friends are clueless and/or playing games.) After telling the LW that her friends were jerks (which I can get behind), Ortberg wrote this:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Hole Truth

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This letter was originally published June 28, 2007.

I have two vaginas. I'd had a number of routine pelvic exams with my old doctor, but she never discovered it. My new gyno, however, discovered my "atypical anatomy" right away last week. The anatomical specifics are irrelevant to my question—everything is fully functioning, sex isn't painful, and everything externally looks completely normal.

I'm a straight girl in my early 20s and I've only had one sex partner. Sex was great, and only occasionally did I have to take the guy's dick and redirect him to the "better" vagina. We were each other's firsts—at the time I figured the occasional readjustment was par for the course. I didn't find out about my two vaginas (sounds like a sitcom) until after the relationship ended.

My question: Is this something I need to reveal to new partners before sex? After? Ever?

Very Abnormal Girl

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Kicking This One To You, Savage Love Commenters

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Hope you're having a brilliant day. First things first, I've been reading your blog for a few years now and you've changed my life for the better, so thank you. Now to the question: I'm a 23-year-old bisexual college student who will soon be graduating and moving to the other side of the world. When I was in high school, I had this one teacher who I always thought was super hot. He happens to have an equally hot wife. We've kept in touch and catch up every now and again. We had a few drinks the other night and I got the sense that maybe the attraction is mutual. Would it be too weird to proposition them? I can't help but think it's now or never.

Needs Official Wisdom

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"An American woman wearing a Chinese dress is not cultural appropriation"

Well, now that this has without a doubt been resolved to the satisfaction of all...

The attraction of the qipao (“cheongsam” in Cantonese) is obvious: a sexy, figure-hugging sheath of silk with a high mandarin collar balancing a va-va-voom flash of leg via a thigh-high slash. Its beauty, however, turned into a curse when photos posted on social media of [American teenager Keziah Daum] wearing her beloved vintage find made her a target for tens of thousand of tweets accusing her of cultural appropriation. That’s one heck of a fashion crime.... At least Keziah wasn’t tip-toeing around to mimic bound feet in a play set a millennium before foot-binding became a thing in China, as in perhaps the most absurd example of cultural appropriation I’ve witnessed. In More Light at London’s Arcola theatre several years ago, seven white actresses played Chinese concubines buried alive (allegedly) with China’s first emperor, Qin Shi Huang, who died in 210BC. Wearing kimonos (Japanese) and sticking chopsticks in their hair (!), this was a prime example of badly executed appropriation. Unlike Keziah’s appreciation.

...maybe we can move on to all those straight women out there writing gay slash fiction and self-publishing pornographic gay novels all over the Internet. I'm sure they appreciate gay men and all the gay sex we're having all the gay time and all us gays sure do appreciate all you straight lady fans of gay sex. But most of the examples I've read of this particular genre get the gay sex—and the gay men—laughably wrong. Nowhere near as wrong as that production of More Light Anna Chen describes. But still.


Savage Love: Quickies

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Joe Newton
I wish I had a better question, but this is all I have: My friends and I were discussing the nuances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal number of male and female participants) versus a gang bang (one woman, many men), and we observed that there is no proper name for a one man, many women situation. The internet tells me it's just a "reverse gang bang," which is a very disappointing name. Can we please establish a new one?

Curious Nonparticipant

How does "pussy riot" grab you? And while we're on the subject of flipping gendered expressions: A number of years ago, I was asked to come up with a female version of "sausage fest." Sticking with the food theme, I proposed "clam bake." Still mystified as to why it didn't catch on.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A letter writer admits that cheating on her husband was great for her marriage, another wonders if their son stole their crucifix-shaped dildo, the live-in secret boyfriend ponders when or if his poly triad should come out as poly to one partner's kid, and an older letter writer says he can't have an LTR because he's only attracted to younger guys. And, as always, last week's column and (600th (!!!) episode of) the Savage Lovecast.

One commenter regarding that mysterious crucific-shaped dildo:

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NewsSex

Did I Suggest Throwing Sex Workers At Incels? (Spoiler: No, I Did Not.)

So about these tweets...




Here's the beginning of my post about incel-identified involuntary celibates, male socialization, sex work, and violence:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Older Man Can't Have LTR Because He's Only Attracted to Younger Guys

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I’m a 49-year-old gay man. It took a long time to come to terms with my sexuality, but the advent of the Internet and then apps finally encouraged me to act on my “gayness” about twelve years ago. I’ve always been attracted to younger guys and adhere 100% to the Campsite Rule. (Thanks for that one, Dan!) I’ve met some amazing guys and had a couple great relationships along the way. I’m still in casual and social media contact with nearly all of them and most are still friends.

The problem is, I’m not getting any younger and I’d like to get serious with a guy in the final third of my life. But the guys I get involved with, date, fuck, etc., are all college-age and a healthy, longterm relationship is impossible with the age difference. But for whatever reason, Dan, I can’t seem to swipe right or reply to the “heys” I get from guys closer to my age, nor do I feel any sexual attraction toward them. It’s almost like since I didn’t get to be gay in my teens and twenties I’m trying to make up for it somehow by fucking all these gorgeous young guys now.

So I'm headed down a path to ending up a lonely, old gay man. On one hand I think, “Get it while you can, Daddy, these guys are HOT!” But on the other hand I know doing so won't won’t lead to a LTR which I want more than anything. I don’t know what to do. I know looks will fade and body parts droop and I can’t see how this ends well unless I can get myself to start looking for more age-appropriate guys to date.

Definitely A Dude Doing Younger

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Three Couples and a Kid

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I am currently in an open relationship with a wonderful woman (Caroline), who is, in turn, in an open relationship with a great guy named Chuck. While we tend to do most activities as two separate couples, the three of us get along well and often spend time together as friends.

Caroline and I started off as roommates and rent a house together. Recently Caroline has suggested having Chuck move in with us. We've all spent enough time together that I am comfortable with this idea as I think we'd co-exist well. The reason I am writing to you for advice is Caroline has a 13-year-old child from a previous relationship who believes Dad is in a monogamous relationship with Caroline. To date we have wanted to maintain this illusion of monogamy to avoid outing everyone in our small, semi-conservative community. On the occasions when we've all been around Chuck's child together, I have acted the part of Caroline's friend/roommate, and it's worked so far.

However, if we all share one house together, I think the teenager will soon put the pieces together and either have concerns or report back to Caroline's ex, which could result in us being outed and possibly a custody dispute for the child.

So I could use your advice, both as a relationship expert and as a parent. What is our best move here? Should we preemptively out ourselves to the kid and hope for the best? Try to cover things up and act like I'm just a roommate when the kid's around? I'm also considering moving out in order to get an apartment nearby so Caroline can live with Chuck in the illusion of monogamy, and then just invite her/them over (without the kid) on a regular basis.

If or when the teenager learns the truth about our three-person dynamic, what do you think is the best way to handle answering questions and explaining how our relationships work?

Three Relationships Inside A Domain

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The Green Party, Ladies and Gentlemen

Oh, look. Republicans are running as Greens. Again. ShareBlue:

Scrambling for ways to hold on to power through November’s midterm cycle, it seems Republicans are opting to back phony Green Party candidates in hopes of confusing voters. After all, in a close contest a Green Party candidate siphoning away a few thousands votes from Democrats could mean the difference between victory and defeat. That strange scenario is currently playing out both in a New York House race and the Montana Senate race, where local Green Party candidates have been found out to be GOP operatives.

Michael Zak, the fake Green in New York, dropped out of the race for New York's 27th Congressional District after his ties to Republican incumbent Chris Collins were written up by The Daily Beast:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Son Stole My Crucifix-Shaped Dildo

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This letter was originally published on Apr 9, 2009.

I recently discovered, accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son's room prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously disappeared over the past year. While I've wondered how it was possible to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside job.

This raises several issues. There's the you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to snicker over with his friends or whether he has used them. I'm dead certain if he's used my insertables, that he did so without putting condoms on them first.

So it seems I need to force the you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use conversation. Suggestions?

Discomfited Aged Deviant

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