Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Question Kicked to #SexWorkTwitter

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Let's get to the down and dirty details right away. I am a 27-year-old woman who is an escort. I've never thought much of monogamy because of my profession. (Yes, I do like my job.) But I've met someone, a 35-year-old male, who also didn't think much about monogamy until we started dating. The problem comes down to this: We became monogamous because we are happy with each other and satisfied sexually. I've stopped work for a short time to open discussions with him about what it means to date a sex worker. I want to start work again but remain "monogamous." Sex at work is exactly that: work. I'm getting paid to have relations with others. It's totally transactional. I'm faced with this: If I do go back to work he wants to be able to have sex with other partners too. I feel this is not "fair." He says he's happy being monogamous and would only see others if I start work again. I have asked him not to see others because it is not the same as what I do. I do not get to choose someone I am attracted to on my own free time, like he would be doing. I'm having relations on my "work time" and 99% of the people I see aren't even people I would see in my free time. Yet he's convinced I might dump him for someone I meet through work because two of my colleagues happen to be in long-term relationships with former clients. Ultimately, I feel my "providing services" puts money in the bank towards our future whilst if he is having relations with others it is not productive to our future. Am I wrong for wanting to continue this monogamous relationship even though I am a sex worker? Is his request "fair"?

Hooked on Love

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Randy Rainbow: They've Got Buttons!


Why isn't Randy making digital shorts for SNL already?


Savage Love Letter of the Day: Do I Tell My FWB That He Isn't Treating His GF Right?

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A year ago I started a FWB situation with a friend's BF, a poly dude. About a month in his GF of two years, my friend, moved to another city and into an apartment with her other BF. Dude & GF stayed in touch and saw each other occasionally when in the others' cities. Meanwhile, I saw dude every 4-5 days for a while. I wanted a more poly BF/GF sitch but he wasn't interested and said he was still processing his GF moving away. My heart was hopeful but my brain knew people rarely change their feelings for someone after their feelings have settled.

A couple of months ago he met a new woman. They fell fast for each other. We saw each other less. I was hurt and jealous but I dealt with it. It was the risk I took by having the relationship, so it was my responsibility. Dude was understanding and I was impressed. I saw my other casual partner more and started looking outside for something serious.

Today his GF, my friend, asked if she could talk to me. She said she'd finally saved up the money to come back to the city where we live for a weekend — a big expense for her — but when she'd talked to her BF about it he said he mixed up the dates and now has plans with his new woman. He offered to spend time with her around his plans, but his offer of just Friday and Sunday nights seems measly to me. He says it's hard to spend time with new woman because of her work but he can spend time after this weekend!

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Meanwhile in Steve Bannon's Head

TPM:

Conservative media outlet Breitbart News on Tuesday announced that Steve Bannon is stepping down as Breitbart’s executive chairman. “Bannon and Breitbart will work together on a smooth and orderly transition,” the outlet announced in a statement. Bannon in the statement said he is “proud of what the Breitbart team has accomplished in so short a period of time in building out a world-class news platform.” The New York Times first reported Bannon’s departure, and reported that conservative mega-donor Rebekah Mercer, who is a part owner of Breitbart and sits on its board, was behind Bannon’s ouster.

They say there's a Trump tweet for everything. Well, there's a number from a musical for everything too. And show tunes are better written and way more fun than Trump tweets. (John Collum is a national treasure. Saw him in Urinetown on Broadway. Will always be a fan.)


Pink ITMFA Shirts and Hats

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Support Planned Parenthood and celebrate the first anniversary of the historic Women's March with these limited edition pink #ITMFA beanies and t-shirts. Get yours here!


Savage Love Letter of the Day: Should My 12-Year-Old Be Out On Instagram?

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My husband and I are the proud parents of a 12-year-old daughter who identifies as pansexual. She's been out to us since she was 10, and is out to pretty much everyone at her middle school. Thankfully, there's a Gay Straight Alliance, Safe Space stickers, gender neutral bathrooms, lots of openly LGBTQ+ kids, and very little bullying. (Middle school is not what it used to be!) She's also openly dated several girls. We want to be fully supportive and have not discouraged her from being open. Except...

Instagram. How out should my 12-year-old be on Instagram?

On New Year's Eve, my daughter posted a video and photo of the New Year's kiss she shared with her girlfriend. The kiss was truly just a small one and "middle school appropriate," but the public display of it concerned me. My husband and I had a long talk about this, and we decided to ask her to take the photo and video down. Yes, she has a private account, but as you know, nothing is really private on social media. We were concerned that the photo might be shared and result in bullying. My husband was concerned with what could be done with such a photo should the Trump-Pence regime succeed in scaling back gay rights. Also, all LGBTQ+ issues aside, the image felt a little TMI for a 12-year-old on Instagram. If it were a boy, I'm pretty sure we would have asked her to take that down too.

So she took it down. She was a little upset, but she understood. I, however, am not the least bit convinced that we did the right thing. I do not ever want her to feel that we are ashamed of her. I feel that this is very new ground for us, and for parents in general. I want to help my daughter navigate social media and her identity as a queer adolescent, and this is very new to me. So what do you think, Dan? How out should a 12-year-old be on social media? Where's the point at which we set limits?

Maybe Old-fashioned Monitoring

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Pesca to Green Party Voters: "You screwed up, you screwed us."

On Friday Mike Pesca addressed Green Party voters on the top of The Gist, his daily podcast from Slate. Listen.


POTUS: The President of the United States Is, Like, Not Stupid

In fact... he's, like, super smart and stuff. This morning's twitter rant, direct from Camp David:




Usually people who boast about being stable and smart are neither. So this is either another one of the norms Trump has violated — he's actually, like, stable and smart — or he's a stupid fucking lunatic who watches Fox & Friends while fingering his big, powerful button. Take your pick.

And you know who else won the presidency on his very first try, Donald Dick? Barack Obama. Also: George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, JFK, LBJ, Ike, FDR. Who didn't win it on their very first tries? Ronald Reagan, George H. W. Bush, Richard Nixon. So Democratic presidents are, like, on average, really smart — way smarter, if "first try" is the standard, than Republican presidents.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Girlfriend Drinks Too Much

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My 32-year-old girlfriend of two years has an identified alcohol abuse problem. I don't. She doesn't have a dependency issue, but in recent years (which have been better than non-recent years), she loses control and blacks out a minimum of once a month. Her blackouts have led to destructive/dangerous behavior ranging from hurtful conversations to compromising her work to cheating (not on me) to unsafe transportation.

For about six months she's been following a moderation management program and has some success (blackouts down by half, vastly improved drinking habits). But occasionally, even if it doesn't get to that extreme point, she'll abandon her strategies and over-drink, often as a reward for something or as a means of momentary escape from stress. When this happens, I feel sad, frustrated, and disconnected - beyond the deflated faith in our future that comes with the fear that she won't get this under control, she has a history of expressing extreme feelings (one way or the other) about me and our relationship while drunk, and also of forgetting the (often wild and fun and seemingly connected) sex we've had when she's drunk (maybe it's worth mentioning here that I'm also a woman, and she's usually the top).

Before I really understood this about her, it would just make me feel kinda shitty and used and guilty and lonely. So, I no longer engage in sex or meaningful conversations with her when she's drunk, and I feel myself closing off to her when she has these slips.

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Savage Love: Runners

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Joe Newton
I married my high-school sweetheart at 17, had a baby, together a few years, mental illness and subsequent infidelity led to things ending. My ex-husband remarried, divorced again, and is now in another LTR. I'm in a LTR for a decade with my current partner (CP), we have a few kids, and I'm so in love with him, it terrifies me. My ex frequently makes sexual remarks to me, low-key flirts. I feel an animal attraction in the moment. Whatever. I don't want to be with him, my relationship with CP is solid AF, and I get amazing fucking at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex-husband's remarks and one actual physical advance. CP has offered to talk to my ex. I told him nah, I'll deal with it and make it stop. I talked to my ex-husband today, and he said: "I'm sorry, it's just teasing, I won't make an actual move ever again, but you're the only woman I ever just look at and get immediately hard for, and it's only a few more years before our kid is fully grown and we don't see each other anymore. So humor me because you know we both enjoy it." And it's true that I do enjoy it. But how harmful is it to engage in flirty banter without any touching, nudity, or worse? I hate having secrets, as I feel they are barriers to intimacy, but I'm a thirtysomething mom and it is so fucking unbearably sexy to be made to feel so desirable even after all that shit between us and it'll never, ever happen because hell no am I sleeping with my ex-hubby, but knowing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can't help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I've never fucking felt before, but even so I don't want to be a terrible person for hiding this from my CP because I don't like having secrets from him but this is just one that turns me on to no end but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yesterday because it's wrong, right?

Secret Longings Utterly Titillating

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: How should this daddy explain mommy's late-night moaning? And should this daddy be concerned about being a daddy? Also, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On big, fat pussy whiffs:

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Conservative Christian Activist Needs Help "Re-Horrifying" People About Homosexuality

Oh, the horror.
Oh, the horror.

Anti-gay right-wing evangelical "Christian" looooonatick Linda Harvey sat down with my old pal Peter LaBarbera, the country's premier anti-gay looooonatick, and had a little chat about all the sick, sinful, sex-crazed predatory gays out there (sigh) "recruiting children" into the gay lifestyle via GSAs. Harvey and LaBarbera both backed Donald Trump — of course they did; the entire evangelical movement backed Trump — and, oh hey, here's Trump attempting to recruit a 14-year-old girl into the creepy-old-heterosexual-men-with-barely-legal-girls lifestyle. They both backed Roy "Man of God" Moore in Alabama who not only chased high school girls, he literally chased one girl into her high school. Not a week — not a day — goes by that we don't hear about some high-profile preacher or leader on the religious right getting busted for child porn or child rape — or regular old rape rape. (There's even a hashtag: #ChurchToo.)

RightWingWatch:

The two lamented that homosexuality is now widely accepted in America, with Harvey voicing her alarm that it is even welcomed in public schools where “predators” are allowed to use LGBTQ clubs to target children for recruitment.... "How do we re-horrify people about the sin of homosexuality?” she wondered. “People are becoming so comfortable with this, even people on our side. We need to re-horrify them.” LaBarbera agreed, saying that society must be taught to “respect God and God’s values again” if there is to be any hope that America will one day “recover that sense of awfulness” about homosexuality and similar sins.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Call Me Daddy

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I am a 67-year-old gay man and am seriously flummoxed by a situation that I never expected to experience. After the shattering breakup of a long-term relationship fifteen years ago, I entered a period of apathy about romance and sex that lasted until very recently. I was not celibate during that time, but I believed that the possibility of emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner was over for me.

A couple of months ago, after being a full-time caregiver for my father for two years and then settling him into assisted living, I suddenly felt like that part of me was reawakening. My desire for sexual contact increased dramatically, as did the yearning for an emotional and intellectual connection with a man. Obviously, the world of gay dating and hooking up had changed enormously during my dormant period, and, for the first time, I began using apps.

Initially, I felt like the proverbial kid in a candy store, and it seemed strangely similar to when I first came out in San Francisco's Castro neighborhood in the early 1970s, except that my cruising and bar skills from that long-ago era were useless in cyberspace. Also, I was surprised — not unpleasantly — by the whole Daddy phenomenon, never imagining that this old face and body would arouse any interest in younger men, especially since I had always been with guys who were typically 5-10 years older than myself. You can probably guess what happened next: I was contacted by a 22-year-old man who, over a short time, revealed himself to be mature, intelligent, sweet and, fatally, exactly the physical type that most arouses me. I fell hard, and he seems to like me a good deal too.

What is gong on? I'm on a roller coaster, careening between excitement and horror. Am I a creep? A fool? Is my judgment impaired? I started out by rationalizing it as just a bit of fun, but it is clearly more than that. Should I just end it? Nothing in my life, be it upbringing, education, training, or personal experience has prepared me for this baffling situation and I am, for once, truly without bearings. I have never before sought third-party advice on matters of the heart and loins, but I badly need it now.

Dumb And Daddy

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This Is Fine. What Could Go Wrong. Nothing To See Here.



Savage Love Letter of the Day: Why Is Mommy Moaning?

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Recently, my wife and I were having some vigorous, louder than normal sex. Our kids are heavy sleepers and our bedroom door is always closed as a precaution so we were letting loose. My wife was moaning loudly while cumming, and I heard our 8-year old son in the hall outside our bedroom crying for me. I quickly threw on some clothes and went out to him. He was sobbing and kept saying “I heard Mommy.” I took him back to bed, calmed him down, and got him to talk more. He thought he was hearing his mom making scary, pain-related noises. I told him, “Sometimes when Mommy starts to fall asleep she has dreams where she makes noises,” which is true, though those noises aren’t ever guttural sex moans. However he was pacified by this and went back to sleep.

Sex was never discussed when I was a kid so I grew up believing it was something secretive and shameful. My wife and I want to be sex-positive parents. However, my lie about what my son heard didn’t feel very sex-positive. It felt like I was treating her experience as something secretive and shameful. What would have been the sex-positive, age appropriate way to explain the noises my son heard that night?

Need Other Ideas, Sex-positive Explanations

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