What's On THROAT's Mind When Sam Is On His Dick? And Lots More In This Week's Reader Advice Roundup


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Why is this letter writer judging a guy for his kinks when she's into those same kinks? Can two prudish introverts open up their marriage? Why can't I stop emailing this guy in the middle of the night? And his gender issues are gone, but so is his girlfriend. Plus, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Following up on a Minneapolis live show:

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At Least One Savage Love Reader Has Taken Up Arms


"Ready for the Second Civil War in my small New England town," writes a Savage Love reader. "But nobody else has shown up yet! Oh, well. Happy Fourth of July, Dan!" (Don't get the reference? Click here.)

His Gender Issues Are Resolved Now But His Girlfriend Is Gone


Originally published on May 9, 2012.

I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I've had gender issues for the past five years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn't be with me anymore due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues, and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfish partner in many ways, but mainly in the bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me. I get very turned on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality it is not something that I enjoy. I also find lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexuality that I became insecure in my masculinity inside and outside of the bedroom. I also ended up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires as a result of my insecurity in my gender identity. I have now stopped repressing my lust toward women in general, something I had been doing that negatively affected my ex.

I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the apathetic, distant, and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I find myself overwhelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn't do the things she needed, when in reality I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.

Found Myself Lost

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Slog AM: Happy July 4, Everybody. The World Is On Fire, Everything Is Terrible, Donald Trump Is Still President, Let's Go Back to Bed


Creeping authoritarianism, the failure of Congress to fulfill its constitutional responsibilities, a racist president who lies with impunity, children in cages, a trade war, the destruction of the Western Alliance—happy July 4, everybody!

Remember Rep. Jim Jordan? He's the Ohio Republican and member of the House Freedom Caucus who was all over the news late last week. Jordan came for Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and it was riveting, cringe-inducing, collapse-of-our-democracy-fear-inducing television. "In a tense exchange, Jordan suggested that Deputy Attorney General Rod J. Rosenstein, who oversees special counsel Robert S. Mueller III's Russia investigation and has earned Trump's ire, was withholding key information from Congress about the probe. Jordan badgered Rosenstein for several minutes, clearly trying to get under his skin," the Washington Post reported. "But then things fell apart for Jordan, and he undermined his own case. He turned to media reports about an alleged threat by Rosenstein to members of Congress." The media reports Jordan cited were from Fox News—so they were bullshit and Rosenstein was able to slap Jordan down hard.

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A Middle-of-the-Night Email Exchange


Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I check my email. Sometimes I respond to an email in the middle of the night and the person I wrote back writes me back. Last night was one of those nights...

Hi, Dan. How are you? I need your help, please.

Insecure Male Seeking Advice, Dan

What can I help you with? — Dan

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Can Two Prudish Introverts Open Up Their Marriage?


Four years ago, I married the first guy I ever fucked.

While some may balk at my eggs-in-one-basket situation, I have to admit that I found a really, really good one. I met him in 2008 while we were in our early twenties, and despite suffering from depression and some INTP absent-minded professor moments, he's a wonderful partner who I think might be a better human than me. I can be short-tempered and have a tendency to avoid conflict, yet he is emotionally intelligent, shows up when he needs to, and is diplomatic whenever issues in our marriage arise.

The one problem we haven't managed to solve is our sexual incompatibility.

Sexual incompatibility?!? No way. I totally didn't see that one coming. Please proceed, SBNH...

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Haven't Seen One of These In a While


Slog AM: Families Belong Together, Everyone Hates ICE, Capitol Hill's Mystery Coke Machine of Horror Disappears

Two Pieces of Inspired Signage at Families Belong Together March in LA
Two pieces of inspired wignage at the Families Belong Together March in LA. Kassie Thornton

Families Belong Together: "Galvanized by the images and voices of migrant children separated from their parents by President Trump’s immigration policies, hundreds of thousands took to the streets Saturday in major cities and small towns across America to express outrage that they hope will carry over into the fall election," the Los Angeles Times reports.

ICE Agents Are the New Trump Staffers: Last week, Politico ran a giant story about how no one in Washington, DC, likes wants to fuck Trump staffers. After one White House staffer disclosed where and for whom she worked to someone she'd matched with on Tinder, her match angrily asked her, "Do you rip babies from their mothers?” Silly Tinder match! It's ICE agents who rip babies from the arms of their mothers, not Trump staffers! Everyone knows that! And that's making ICE agents sad, reports the LA Times: “Even the cops don’t like us anymore because they’re listening to the news also,” one anonymous ICE agent told the paper. “‘Oh you guys are just separating families.’”

Seattle Has Truly Lost Its Soul: "Like all truly frightening things, the Coke machine near the corner of John and Broadway is mysterious to the core," David Schmader wrote in The Stranger's 2002 Halloween Issue. "Who owns this Coke machine? Who restocks it? There are no answers. Beyond the standard options—in this case, Coke, Mountain Dew (regular), 7 Up, Barq's Root Beer, and Pepsi, designated by name on brightly colored buttons, there is one more button. This is the Mystery Button. Mystery it reads, with question marks placed menacingly next to the first and last letters. Both the word and the marks were made with fading colored mini-markers. It's terrifying." Seattle's terrifying Mystery Coke Machine disappeared without a trace over the weekend, CHS reports.

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His Kinks Are My Kinks—So Why Did I Run From the Room When He Told Me About His?


Originally published on April 15, 2010.

I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG kind of gal. So I just started seeing this guy. I haven't known him for long—no serious sexual activity yet. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of "dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs." Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again.

Was my reaction legit? I've indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?

Turned Off And Displeased

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Savage Love: Both & Baggage

Joe Newton
When I started dating my husband, he told me he had a low libido. I said I could deal with that. We waited several months before having sex, and then after we started, it was infrequent and impersonal. There was some slow improvement over the three years we dated. Then we got married, and suddenly he had no libido at all. He blamed health problems and assured me he was trying to address them. Despite being diagnosed and successfully treated for multiple physical and mental health issues over time, things only got worse. After four years of marriage, the relationship has become strictly platonic. I can't even start a conversation about intimacy without him getting irritated. After we married, he also decided he no longer wanted children, and I eventually convinced myself it was probably for the best, given his health. We built our dream home, adopted a pet, and built an outwardly successful life together. I was, if not happy, at least complacent. Until I ran into an ex-boyfriend at a party. We split many years ago on good terms. We ended up talking about how important it is to him to have a biological child—something we talked about a lot when we were dating—and we got physically close, and that got me thinking about how much I missed sex with him. Ever since, I've been thinking about him. I think he was hinting that he wants me back, and right now that sounds like the answer to all my problems. But if not, I don't want to leave my hubby and lose the decent life we built together. Plus, my leaving would hurt my husband's feelings, his health, and his finances. I also worry that people would blame me because it will look like I left because things were tough. Can I follow up and clarify with my ex before I break it off with my husband, or is that too much like cheating? Is it selfish of me to even consider leaving at this point? I'm a 30-year-old woman, so I don't have a lot of time left to decide about children.

Indecisively Married Dame On Nearing Exit

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Readers Tell Me What I Should've Said (DTMFA) and What I Shouldn't Have Said ("Panic Attack") And I Share Something That Should Brighten Your Day (Ballet Butt)


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He asked his girlfriend to cheat on him and she did but she did it all wrong. Her husband cheated—repeatedly—while she was pregnant and put her health and their unborn child's health at risk. Some quickies. The world is on fire, but he has a question about porn. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, I have a new pet name! And another reader wants me to watch my language...

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The World Is on Fire, but He Has a Question About Porn


Married straight guy here. I'll get right to the point: A few years ago, my wife (then girlfriend) and I were trying to have sex, but my penis wasn't really cooperating. We were also in a bit of a brief slump romantically and sexually. Anyway, during this pathetic attempt at fucking, she finally just asked me to leave the room so she could look at porn and masturbate. So I did. I sat huddled on the hotel bathroom floor until she orgasmed. It was so over-the-top offensive that I actually found it hilarious. It never happened again, and we both like to have a laugh over it every once in a while. And our sex life quickly picked up again anyway.

But here's my opinion: Because of that incident, I should get a free pass to watch porn and jack off pretty much whenever (obviously not a work, etc.), even when she's around and even when she'd prefer sex. Because sometimes I just prefer the porn and jacking off to fucking (quicker, simpler, etc.) My wife disagrees. She says she has the right to be offended if I watch porn when she's around. Now, this has never led to arguments; it's mainly just a friendly disagreement. If I do look at porn when she's home, she just rolls her eyes and nags me about it. But since being dismissed from the room and replaced with porn and vibrator is, I would guess, a lot of guys' worst nightmare, and I was a pretty good sport about it (if I do say so myself), I've earned the right to unfettered porn viewing.

Pondering Onanism Rules Now

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Kennedy to Retire

Goodbye 5-4, hello 6-3. This is a calamity. Republicans blocked President Obama from appointing a US Supreme Court justice because an election was coming up a year later. Now watch as McConnell rushes to confirm Trump's next pick for SCOTUS before midterm elections that are just 16 weeks away.

UPDATE: We're saved!

Three Quickies


I have a bit of an etiquette question. My FWB got married on Sunday, it was a beautiful ceremony and I'm glad for her and her husband, who is also a friend of mine. Clearly that day is about their relationship, and I feel like I should give them time to enjoy that glow and focus on each other. But how long should I wait before it's appropriate to go back to hitting on/hooking up with the blushing bride? The word Honeymoon suggests a month, but that could just be meaningless semantics. I would greatly appreciate any advice

Friends With Boundaries

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My Husband Cheated—Repeatedly—While I Was Pregnant and Put My Health and Our Unborn Child's Health at Risk. Now What?


I'm the wife in a hetero couple, together 10 years. Had a good sex life until I got off birth control to try to have a baby and suddenly started suffering from symptoms due to a hormonal disorder I didn't know I had. I struggled for a year and a half before getting diagnosed and treated. One of the symptoms is low sex drive and significant fatigue. To complicate things further, we had to do the scheduled-sex-during-ovulation-window thing. My pregnancy was rough, so sex suffered then too. When I was six months along, I discovered my husband had cheated on me, several times, during the time we were trying to get pregnant. He says he did it because his needs were not getting met and at the time he thought due to my illness, sex was just going to be subpar forever now. He says as soon as he found out I was pregnant he stopped. I was too busy growing a human to really deal with it at the time but now that our child is born and some normalcy has returned, I'm trying to work through this but I'm so many levels of pissed.

1. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

2. No conversation or communication was had about his lack of satisfaction or desire to possibly request a "hall pass."

3. Instead of following Drs orders for maximizing chances of conception he was out sexing up strangers.

4. He says he had sex with "prostitutes" but he won't tell me how he located them so I don't know if they are actual sex workers or random women off the Internet, which to me has the potential to be very risky.

5. He did not use protection and got a bacterial infection and tried to have sex with me when I was one month pregnant and he was starting to show symptoms of the STI. Luckily I was too nauseous at the time and he ended up getting antibiotics before we had sex so I didn't contract it.

6. He definitely could have caused me to have a miscarriage had he given me the STI.

I've tried to talk with him about what happened but he's ashamed about his behavior and just keeps saying it's in the past and won't happen again. He generally has trouble communicating openly about sex. I honestly wouldn't be averse to setting ground rules and opening up the marriage but given his breach of trust, his difficulty talking about his needs, and his risky behavior (STI? Seriously?!), I don't know if that's a good idea.

I don't want a divorce but I can't just move forward without addressing all the ways he could have fucked up our lives. In order for me to feel safe I need to hear from him that he understands where he screwed up, but he just seems to want to pretend it won't ever be an issue again, and I don't think that's realistic or practical. It doesn't help that his job takes him out of town for a few days to a couple weeks at a time every month. He could easily go back to this behavior and I would be none the wiser. Other than this, he's a good partner and we haven't had any other major problems in our relationship. Any suggestions?

When Trust Fails

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