Thanks for Sending Me Your Butts


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Drugs are "deal breaker" for her—should he tell her he uses shrooms once in a while? She wants her current to fuck her like her ex did—and her ex is willing to show her current how it's done. Is her partner a pedophile or has she turned into her Born Again Christian mother? Plus, another very fake Savage Love Letter of the Day. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On May Day:

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Another Very Fake Savage Love Letter

Originally published on Sep 27, 2007.


I am happily married to a girl in her mid-20s. She recently brought home a Shetland sheepdog that she excitedly explained she had saved from the local pound. Three weeks later, I was in our neighborhood on business and decided to stop by the apartment to save the money I would otherwise spend on lunch. We have a rear door that opens into the living room, and I couldn't believe the scene I discovered upon entering: my wife, nude, spread-eagled on the couch, her Shetland sheepdog lapping eagerly at her pussy, ecstatic moans escaping from her throat! She ran to the bathroom as I stood there stunned. But the worst was when I noticed the open jar of Nutella sitting on the coffee table, a faint odor of hazelnut in the air. We have never spoken about what happened. Are there health concerns she should be aware of?

A Dog At Most

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Is My Partner a Pedophile or Have I Turned Into My Born Again Christian Mother?

Originally published on July 22, 2010.


I was recently told that I am being puritanical and self-righteous because I can't get over the fact that my partner spends a good deal of time seeking out pictures of very young girls to masturbate to. Nothing illegal, he says, but still...

He admits to having a 20-year-plus addiction to porn, and with that particular addiction, he says, comes the need to continue upping the taboo factor in order to get off. I can understand the natural escalation from traditional porn to something more risqué, and I'm fine with him watching chicks with dicks defecate in each other's mouths until his eyes bleed, because those she-males are consenting adults.

Eight-year-old girls, however, are innocents preyed upon by pedophiles and people with child-lust disorders, in my opinion, and I think a rational adult, even in the throes of sexual whimsy, should recognize that boundary and not cross it. My question is this: Is it considered typical sexual behavior for a guy who's really into porn to seek out YouTube videos of 10-year-old ballerinas without having any kind of pathological inclination toward pedophilia?

He Says I've Turned Into My Born-Again-Christian Mother

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New Savage Lovecast: Just Like Bunnies!


We start this week's adventure with a couple who have a secret unicorn at their beck and call. The wife in the couple doesn't want anyone to know. But the unicorn lass has already told some friends and wants to be more open about the relationship. Who will win this one?

A 27-year-old woman has a distant relationship with her father. He is 64. Guess how old his new girlfriend is. You're right! Same age as the caller! Now, whenever they chat, he puts her on speaker-phone if the new girlfriend is there. Why? What is going on here?

On the Magnum, have you heard the expression "fucking like bunnies?" You have? Well naturally, Dan brings on rabbit experts Thea & Nadine from the "Rabbit Droppings" advice column to thoroughly explore the connections between human sexuality, and that of our cuddly, lagomorph cousins.

Finally, a visiting father is freaked out and pissed because he looked in his daughter's closet and found...a spanking bench.

A snippet:

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Weird Al: Please Don't Take a Pickaxe To My Star...

Didn't think it was possible to love Weird Al more than I already did.

She Wants Her Current to Fuck Her Like Her Ex Did—And Her Ex Is Willing To Show Her Current How It's Done


First published on July 2, 2009.

I'm a 25-year-old straight female. I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months, but we fell in love fast and I want to make this last. However, he doesn't turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks—he's GORGEOUS—but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies, being tied up, etc.). He is GGG and tries, but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll, and I miss being dominated. I talked to my wonderful GGG boyfriend, and he agreed right away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven't talked to the previous guy yet, but I'm sure he'd be into it. My ex would love this scenario, I would get the abuse I need, and my boyfriend would get a "lesson" in sub/dom sex. But...

1. Am I being a selfish bitch?

2. Is it a bad sign that he's not satisfying me sexually at three months?

3. Thank you!

Needs Some Abuse

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New Randy Rainbow: If You Ever Got Impeached

This one is sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain" from Wizard of Oz. Sigh! Oh, Randy. I think I love you most of all.

Drugs Are "Deal Breaker" For Her—Should He Tell Her He Uses Shrooms Once in a While?


Mid-30s guy here. I went on a date with a very attractive, intelligent and nice girl a few years my junior a some days ago. She wrote in her profile that drug use is a deal breaker for her. Otherwise we seem like a very good match.

Now, I've been doing magic mushrooms for about five years in my life, maybe a dozen times total and only once in the last two years. I might do some more at some point, but don't see it happening in the near future. I don't consider my use a problem, just recreational and occassionally even self-improving.

My question is: Should I tell her immediately, later on in the relationship, or not at all? We both have a primary partner and I'm probably headed towards FWB with this girl, so there's no serious relationship in sight. I see her as a very potential partner for and don't want to blow this by disclosing (too early).

Serious Hazard2 Relationship Or Omission Makes Sense?

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A Follow-up From the 40-year-old Man on the Brink of Doing Something He Shouldn't With His Girlfriend's 16-year-old Niece


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He said he just got busy with work—should she see him again? Should he ask his girlfriend to have a threesome with his ex-wife? Her husband is taking Viagra on the down low—should she tell him she knows? And a creepy couple creeps out a budding new unicorn. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, some thoughts for He's 40, She's 16—She's Also His Girlfriend's Niece. What Could Go Wrong?:

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Savage Love: Pickles & Surrogates

Joe Newton

I'm in a pickle. All I want is to experience touch, intimacy, and sexual pleasure—but without freaking out. I grew up with a lot of negative messages from men due to developing early, as well as having some other physical/sexual trauma (no rape or abuse), but the combination has me seriously fucked up. Whenever I get close to physical intimacy with someone, I run away. I actually faked an emergency once and physically ran away because I knew sex was a possibility that night. I'm not a virgin—but in those instances, I've been really drunk (and experienced no emotional/physical pleasure). This is not what I want for my life. I want a relationship and love, and to be open and comfortable with someone expressing their care for me in a physical way without panicked thoughts flooding my brain. I've done lots of therapy, which has helped, but not enough. I recently heard of something called a sexual surrogate. From what I understand, it's somebody who is trained to therapeutically provide physical touch and intimacy in a controlled and safe environment. Are they legit?

She Can't Adequately Release Extreme Dread

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Creepy Couple Creeps Out Budding New Unicorn


First, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I am a recovering evangelical who spent the first 25 or so years of my life completely fucked up about sex. Then I discovered your column. I’m now in my late 30s, a raging atheist, having the most and best sex of my life, and have felt comfortable exploring many different kinks and aspects of my sexuality. Which brings me to my current problem.

I absolutely love dick but I also find women attractive. I’ve been dying to find a couple to play with so I can explore what it’s like to be with a woman. I’m attractive, fit, smart, and personable. I should be a fucking unicorn-seeking couple's wet dream, Dan, but it’s been weirdly hard to connect with a couple who is both attractive and not creepy. One guy I connected with on Tinder got really salty when I refused to meet for the first time at his house for guaranteed sex with him and his GF; another guy seemed cool but then got weird and told me all about his psychic powers, etc.

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Her Husband Is Taking Viagra on the Down Low—Should She Tell Him She Knows?


Just found out through snooping that my husband is taking Viagra. I saw a message come through from his doctor so I logged into his self-service page (by guessing his password) because I was concerned he had other health problems he was keeping from me. (He recently suffered a rare form of arthritis that had him basically immobile for a year.) It makes sense. Of course he's taking it. I'm not annoyed or angry. I'm honestly happy I didn't find something worse. But am I supposed to act like I don't know this? I feel so shitty — it's the first time I ever snooped and it's the first time I ever unveiled one of his secrets. I want to un-know this. Obviously, he is embarrassed about it or he would have told me. But he doesn't need to be. Ugh! Shame on me for snooping, right? But do you have any advice? Should I tell him that I know? I don't want to — that will create a massive rift and distrust between us. But how can I pretend I don't know? Help!

Discovered Upsetting Meds Midday Yesterday

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New Randy Rainbow: Omarosa? Okay!

God bless you, Randy Rainbow.

Should He Ask His Girlfriend To Have a Threesome With His Ex-Wife?


I'm in a relationship of five years. My girlfriend is great. We got together during my divorce. My ex-wife blames her for our failed marriage but she actually left me before my girlfriend showed up. My girlfriend has always been a bit possessive when other femails are around but I made it worse by cheating on her with my ex-wife two years ago and she understandably has trust issues when I'm around other women—or worse when I talk with my ex-wife, which we have to do. (We have kids.) The thing is I have vivid sexual dreams about my ex-wife regularly and often think about getting with her. We text daily and often flirt. Sex between us is very very good for the both of us and my ex-wife wants an ongoing sexual relationship with me. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend but I'm getting weak. I'd love to involve my ex-wife in the bedroom with us. If it were to happen I would want it to be on-going because my girlfriend is bi and wants to fulfill my MFF fantasy but not with my ex-wife although my ex-wife said she's down. Funny thing is, my girlfriend is still encouraging me to bring another woman into our bed. Believe me I'm jumping for joy but as possessive or jealous as she can be I don't know how that situation is going to go. I'd hate for her to get emotional as soon as I start with the other girl but that's another topic.

Should I tell my girlfriend about the dreams and my daydreaming? I love my girlfriend and want to be with her but I honestly know I'll end up sleeping with my ex again. Any advice is appreciated.

Day Dreaming Dude

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Once Ghosted, Twice Shy


Straight married woman in an open relationship. Earlier this summer I was dating someone who is also married and in an open relationship. We were texting and hanging out for about a month, went on a handful of dates, hooked up once (and it was good!), and then he ghosted me with no explanation. I wasn’t sure what happened or why he lost interest. Now this morning, a month later, he texted me out of the blue to say he wants to hang out again. I did have fun with him, but I don’t like that he wasn’t honest and straightforward with me. He said he just got busy with work. Should I see him again?

Already Ghosted Once

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