Imagine Eugene Mirman—a slightly homely but charming man from Russia but with no accent—saying this while wearing feathered wings and a halo as he blows out of proportion every antidrug campaign ever made: "I used to be just like you. I'd party, I'd get a bunch of hookers, smoke pot off their tits... If you smoke pot you might grow a second dick that won't work. You'll always go, 'Which one worked? Was it this one or that one? Oh man, I'm so high, I can't decide between my dicks!'" He's funny. Mike Birbiglia, who's also hilarious, will be there too. (Capitol Hill Sonic Boom, 514 15th Ave E, 568-BOOM. 3 pm, free.)