OPENING THIS WEEK

ANYTHING GOES · 5th Avenue Theatre

BEYOND KINDNESS · On the Boards

THE DINA MARTINA CHRISTMAS SHOW · On the Boards

THE EBENEZER CYCLE (GOD HELP US, EVERY ONE!) · Annex Theatre

HAM FOR THE HOLIDAY IV: GLAZING SADDLES · Theater Off Jackson

THE HOBO'S CHRISTMAS · Odd Duck Studio

NUNSENSE · The Performance Studio

THE NUTCRACKER · Pacific Northwest Ballet

SCROOGE! · ArtsWest Theatre

THE SIGN IN SIDNEY BRUSTEIN'S WINDOW · UW School of Drama

X-MAS AT THE JOHNSON'S · A Theatre Under the Influence

ONE WEEK ONLY

KEEPER OF THE GATES · Ethnic Cultural Theatre

RUMI · Stone Soup Theatre

SEATTLE SKETCHFEST · Speakeasy Backroom

SPIN THE BOTTLE · Annex Theatre

SEX IN SEATTLE · Northwest Actors Studio

TWOSOME · BetterBiscuitDance

UMBRELLA, LIGHT, LANDSCAPE, SKY · Lelavision

VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS · Seattle Men's Chorus

CLOSING THIS WEEK

BONDAGERS · Theater Schmeater

SNOW · New City Theatre

OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Boy, the Thanksgiving carcass is barely cold before the Christmas shows start dancing on its grave. David Pichette and John Procaccino alternate playing Scrooge in the Dickens classic, done for the 25th time at A Contemporary Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. $20-$35. Generally runs Tues-Sun, but times and days change over the course of the run so give 'em a call first. Through Dec 24.

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

Marilu Henner from Taxi! Tom Wopat from Dukes of Hazzard!! And some guy named Irving Berlin wrote the songs. Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, 292-ARTS. $20-$54. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Through Dec 10.

ANYTHING GOES

The classic Cole Porter musical. 5th Avenue Theatre, 1308 Fifth Ave, 292-ARTS. $17-$59. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Through Dec 17.

*BEYOND KINDNESS

Solo performer Matt Smith (My Last Year with the Nuns, Helium) returns with a frighteningly funny "parenting seminar," full of alarming childrearing tips. Opens Thurs Nov 30. See Stranger Suggests. On the Boards, 100 W Roy, 217-9888. $12 Thurs/Sun, $14 Fri/Sat. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 17.

BLACK NATIVITY

And Intiman trots out its holiday show (a gospel "song play" by Langston Hughes) for the third time, featuring the Total Experience Gospel Choir. Intiman Theatre, Seattle Center, 269-1900. $38 general, $28 students/seniors, $20 for youth 16 and under. Tues, Wed at 7, Thurs-Sat at 8, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Special Sunday evening show Dec 17, 7 pm. Through Dec 24.

BONDAGERS

This Scottish musical about women workers on the border farms of the late 1800s opened a couple of weeks ago, but they only just sent us a press release. Reviewed this issue. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 324-5801. $12 (anyone under 18 is free). Thurs-Sat at 8. Through Dec 2.

*THE DINA MARTINA CHRISTMAS SHOW

Quite possibly the most disturbing performance you'll ever see. For some, it's also extremely funny. Opens Thurs Nov 30. See Stranger Suggests. On the Boards, 100 W Roy, 217-9888. $12 Thurs/Sun, $14 Fri/Sat. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 17.

THE EBENEZER CYCLE (GOD HELP US, EVERY ONE!)

Annex sells out in the most complicated way possible: They've taken A Christmas Carol, divided it into five parts, and given each part to a different director, but with the same cast running throughout. Opens Thurs Nov 30. See Bio Box. Annex Theatre, 1916 Fourth Ave, 728-0933. $12. Wed-Sat at 8 (no Sun shows). Through Dec 16.

EXPRESSIONS OF THE SPIRIT

The über-bendy UMO troupe tackles the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $12-$22. Thurs-Sun at 8, call about weekend matinees. Through Dec 16.

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS

Four chunks of Jonathan Swift's epic satire, each brought to life by a different director (either Sean Belyea, Jennifer Jasper, Juliet Waller, or Scot Augustson). Reviewed this issue. Consolidated Works, 410 Terry Ave N, 860-5245. $14 general, $12 members. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 15.

HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS IV: GLAZING SADDLES

Lisa Koch and Peggy Platt present their fourth holiday comedy offering. Not the most cutting-edge stuff, but still pretty damn funny. Opens Fri Dec 1. Theatre Off Jackson, 409 Seventh Ave S, 325-6500. $15 Wed/Thurs/Sun, $17 Fri/Sat. Half-price preview on Thurs Nov 30; Sat 4 pm matinees on Dec 16 & 23. Wed-Sat at 8, Sun at 4. Through Dec 24.

*HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH

Not only is this called by some the greatest rock musical of all time, it stars Nick Garrison and Sarah Rudinoff; not only can they act, their combined vocal power and finesse could tear the roof off and then nail it back down. Re-bar, 1114 Howell (at Boren), 323-0388 or 325-6500. $16. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Feb 11.

H.M.S. PINAFORE

Another love-story-with-a-catch from Gilbert & Sullivan. Civic Light Opera at the Jane Addams Theatre, 11051 34th Ave NE, 363-2809. $18-$22. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2:30. Through Dec 9. NOTE: CLO musicians are on strike. You may have to cross a picket line in order to see the show.

THE HOBO'S CHRISTMAS

Sketch comedy, presumably built around a smelly, drunken homeless person. Opens Fri Dec 1. Disgruntled Bit Players at the Odd Duck Studio, 1214 10th Ave, 729-4839. $11 ($10 with donation of canned food). Fri-Sat at 8. Through Dec 23.

MOTHER JONES WILL SPEAK!

A one-woman show about the famed turn-of-last-century political activist. Therese Diekhans plays 15 different roles. Reviewed this issue. Seattle Theatre Project at Open Circle Theatre, 429 Boren Ave N, 382-4250. $10. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 16.

NEW PATAGONIA

A Ken Kesey-esque literary lion decides he's going to have the most spectacular death of his generation. A new play by Elizabeth Heffron--the first time in living memory the Rep has produced a new play by a local writer who isn't August Wilson or Steven Dietz. Reviewed this issue. Seattle Repertory Theatre, Seattle Center at Second and Mercer, 443-2222. $29-$42 ($10 for anyone 25 or under). Tues-Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun at 2. Through Dec 23.

NUNSENSE

Singing, wiseacre nuns. Opens Fri Dec 1. Kismet Productions at the Performance Studio in the Seattle Center House, 325-6500. $12. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2. Through Dec 17.

THE NUTCRACKER PUPPET BALLET

And here's a holiday tradition in the making, a puppet version of The Nutcracker from the Carter Family Marionettes. Northwest Puppet Center, 9123 15th Ave NE, 523-2579. $6.50 children, $7 seniors, $8.50 adults. Fri at 7:30, Sat-Sun at 1 & 3. Through Dec 17.

PLAZA SUITE

If you're going to do dinner theater, I guess you just have to do Neil Simon. RipTide Deli Theatre at the Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 405-TIDE. $22 in advance, $25 at the door (includes dinner). Dinner starts at 6:30, show starts at 7:30. Through Dec 23.

PRINCE BRAT AND THE WHIPPING BOY

It's not what you think, it's for kids. You should be ashamed of yourself. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. $14.50-$22. Fri-Sat at 7, Sun at 2 & 5:30. Through Jan 13.

THE RED BALLOON

Boy meets balloon, falls in love, must protect balloon from pin-wielding bullies. A collaboration with Scottish theater troupe Visible Fictions. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. $14.50-$22. Fri at 7, Sat-Sun at 2 and 5:30. (No performance Sun Dec 24.) Through Dec 30.

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

Ludlam's 1980 farce about a married pair of psychologists having affairs with each other's patients. Empty Space, 3509 Fremont N, 547-7500. $20-$28. Tues-Thurs at 7:30, Fri at 8, Sat at 2 & 8, Sun at 2 & 7. Through Dec 16.

RUMI

An evening of "funny, sexy, & spiritual" Persian folktales. Stone Soup Theatre, 4039 Stone Way N, 633-1883. Pay what you can. Thurs-Sat Nov 30-Dec 2, 8 pm.

SANDERS FAMILY CHRISTMAS

A bluegrass gospel musical, set on the brink of the U.S. involvement in WWII. Taproot Theatre, 204 N 85th St, 781-9707. $17-$25. Wed-Thurs at 7:30, Fri-Sat at 8, Sat at 2. Through Dec 30.

SCROOGE!

Seattle's most cantankerous actor (and one of its best) John Gilbert does a one-man show reading of Dickens, supported by Michael Harris leading a pre-show sing-along. ArtsWest Theatre, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $15 general, $10 students. Dec 3, 6, 10, 13, 17 at 7:30, Dec 3, 9, 17 at 3 pm.

SEX IN SEATTLE

An Asian American Sex in the City. Episode 1: "Deceptions and Reflections." Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike St, 324-6328. $8. Fri Dec 1, 8 pm ONLY.

*SNOW

"This production, [from] MacArthur Fellow John Jesurun, is as much installation art as theater. Only after you're feeling all quiet and calm does the story begin.... Like a lot of installation work, this piece is more concept-driven than character-driven." (Rebecca Brown) New City Theater, 1632 Broadway in the First Christian Church, 328-4683. $12-$15. Thurs-Sat at 8. Through Dec 2.

X-MAS AT THE JOHNSON'S

A tale of absurd family madness, transplanted from Stalinist Russia to Eisenhower's America. A Theater Under the Influence at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. Pay-what-you-will Thurs, $12 Fri-Sat, $10 Sun, $15 opening night gala on Fri Dec 1. Through Dec 17.

DANCE

NUTCRACKER

PNB's holiday cash cow. Opens Sat Dec 2. Pacific Northwest Ballet at Seattle Center Opera House, 301 Mercer St, 292-ARTS. $15-$80. Tues-Fri at 7:30, Sat at 2 & 7:30, Sun at 1 & 5:30. (No shows Mon-Wed Dec 4-6; noon matinee on Dec 24.) Through Dec 27.

TWOSOME

A season-inspired (spring, summer, etc., not holiday) series of duets, counterpointed with musical interludes. BetterBiscuitDance at the Chamber Theatre, 915 E Pine, Fourth Floor, 722-7983. $12 general, $10 students/seniors. Thurs-Sun Nov 30-Dec 3, 8 pm.

UMBRELLA, LIGHT, LANDSCAPE, SKY

A wild mix of dance and kinetic musical sculpture. Lelavision at the Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 329-3724. $15 general, $10 students/ seniors/artists. Fri-Sat at 8, Sun at 2 & 7. Fri-Sun Dec 1-3 ONLY.

FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY

SEATTLE SKETCHFEST

Enough sketch comedy to choke a chicken. Thurs-Sat Nov 30-Dec 2, 8 pm: Sketch Marathon at the Speakeasy Backroom, featuring different troupes each night. Call 444-4336 for details and updates.

*THREE DOLLAR BILL

"Like most disreputable arts, standup now offers a more compelling product for its lack of adoration. Billed as a gay- and lesbian-oriented show, Three Dollar Bill also works as a low-cost current comedy primer." (Tom Spurgeon) Comedy Underground, 222 S Main St, 628-0303. $6. Tues at 8.

VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS

Songs and production numbers from Seattle Men's Chorus. One performance at Everett Civic Auditorium on Sat Dec 2, 8 pm; after that, Benaroya Hall, Third & University, 323-2992. $12.50-$30. Dec 6, 10, 11, 17, 18, 19 at 8; also Dec 16 at 2.

LATE NIGHT

A VERY SPECIAL MONEY & RUN WINTER SEASON HOLIDAY SPECIAL

The latest episode of this transcendent camp trifle. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 324-5801. $8 (anyone under 18 free). Fri-Sat at 11, through Dec 2; Thurs-Sat at 8, Sat-Sun at 11, Dec 7-16.

*JET CITY IMPROV

Improv comedy and music. "The show goes down really smoothly. One only wishes for better direction." (Tom Spurgeon) Ethnic Cultural Theater, 3940 Brooklyn Ave NE, 781-3879. $7, $5 with student ID. Fri-Sat at 10:30.

SPIN THE BOTTLE

Annex's monthly mess o' stuff returns, in a one-time-only talk show format. Featuring the final appearance of Paul Budraitis' The Orange Project. Annex Theatre, 1916 Fourth Ave, 728-0933. $5. NOTE: Sat Dec 2, 11 pm (instead of the usual Friday).

CALLS

Auditions for The Accordion Killer, a film, will be held at Northwest Actors Studio on Sat-Sun Dec 2-3. E-mail David at Dave@goodfilmwebsite.com for information.

Northwest Asian-American Theater holding non-Equity audition for male and female Asian American actors of various ages for Welcome to the Wongs on Dec 5-6. Call Joseph Yang at 283-4807 or e-mail joestevenyang@hotmail.com.

Seattle Public Theater seeks ethnic actors (two men, one woman) for The Tragedy of King Christophe. Also seeking lighting designer, propsmaster, and tech crew. Auditions by appointment only; call 328-4848 ext. 1.

Marvin Hamlisch and the Seattle Symphony seek local singers, dancers, and instrumentalists to submit videotaped auditions by Fri Dec 1 for a special appearance in "Marvin Hamlisch's Search for a Star." I am not making this up. Call 336-6671.

Wonder Productions holding auditions for Demea, to be performed in the 2001 Fringe Festival, on Dec 4-13. Call Nils Osmar at 781-2170 or e-mail demea2001@aol.com.