Jennifer Jasper
EVENT: This longtime Seattle theater stalwart--formerly of Kings' Elephant Theatre and currently of Pulp Vixens--is hosting the Comedy Underground's Queer as a Three Dollar Bill standup night.

I'm told you get most of your material from your family. "I do. They are... um... oh, I don't know, a font of information. It seems like I've been telling these stories for years to friends, and people told me I should do them onstage, so that's what I'm doing."

What sort of stories? "I can give you the titles. They usually happen on holidays, so you have The Thanksgiving the Bun-Warmer Fell on My Mother's Head, The Christmas the Mazda Blew Up, The Arbor Day Grandma Was Dragged Down the Strip, The Fourth of July That Cousin Dale Was Hit by a Truck That Was Hit by a Train, and then you have the now famous dildo story, about my grandfather--that didn't happen on a holiday, but I think we should create one for him."

What would that holiday be called? "I haven't come up with that yet. Dildo Day. The Day of the Cock-Mocker."

What time of the year would it take place? "Around Valentine's Day would be appropriate. But it's the gift that keeps on giving, so anytime."

Who is your most mishap-prone family member? "That would be my sister Kimberly. She's so odd. She's real different from the rest of us. One of her beliefs is that had I joined a sports team, I would not have turned out gay. Because it would have built my self-esteem."

Because female athletes are so girly. "Exactly. Field hockey would have put me on the straight and narrow."

Do you prefer your dildos motorized or nonmotorized? "Not."

Why? "I don't know. Jesus. I wasn't expecting this kind of question. Actually, probably motorized, now that I think of it, because you can leave it on and go to sleep."

Does that improve your dreams? "I was thinking of the person I was with, actually--'I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep now.' Plus, then I wouldn't have to worry about getting carpal tunnel."

Is that an occupational hazard for lesbians? "I would think so."