February approaches middle age with the one-two punch of Mardi Gras and Valentine's Day, and we've got all your left-of-the-dial activities to celebrate appropriately, from Columbia City Theater's burlesque Mardi Gras Mayhem to a screening of cult classic The Demon Lover to a Valentine's Day dinner in the dark. See all of your options for out-of-the-ordinary things to do this week here, or check out our critics' picks for the 59 best things to do this week.

1. Morbid Curiositease's Mardi Gras Mayhem
Morbid Curiositease presents their "Mardi Gras Mayhem" program, featuring burlesque and big band-style jazz from the Peculiar Pretzelmen.

2. Baroque - n - Hearts: Music for (and against) Valentine's Day
Monteverdi, Purcell, Strozzi, Tartini, and more will be performed for an evening of baroque love and anti-love songs from the classical era.

3. Babeland Sips & Tips
The sex toy boutique will have "swoon-worthy sex tips," custom cocktails, date night ideas, and a chance to win "Babeland's most popular couples' toy, the We-Vibe."

4. His n' Hers Happy Hour
Drink wine and see/purchase jewelry from Grace Matsumoto and "Stingy Styles Bow Ties" from Jay Jones. You can also observe the talents of "quirkly, colorful and brilliant" tarot reader Zaara Nekoyama.

5. the heartbreak science (af)fair
The second annual heartbreak science (af)fair promises a video and live cooking performance, local artists, live installations, music, and plenty of chances to buy Valentine's Day gifts.

6. Recess on the Rocks
Food and drinks are included in this throwback night at KidsQuest Children's Museum. Do recess again (but tipsy!) and melt plastic, play on a Nerf battlefield, and fiddle with simple circuits all night long.

7. Blue Steel Meets Thrift Shop
Get ready for the new movie and bring out your frugal threads for this Zoolander-inspired queer fashion show.

8. The Realish Housewives of Seattle: A Parody
The name is probably enough for you to check it out, but here's how the show is described: "Get ready for loony ladies Rovanka, Claudia Louise, Gwen, Desiree, Brooke and your host Randy to take on the current events and people making headlines in your hometown. The audience even gets in on the act! This is one reality trainwreck that’ll leave you laughing ‘til you cry your false eyelashes off!"

9. VHS Über Alles' Valentine's Day Special: The Demon Lover
For only $2, you can watch a group of hippies join an occult study group and the subsequent shit that goes down. What a sweet Valentine's Day!

10. Witches Brew
Celebrate Robert Eggers' The Witch by getting excited with four witchy classics at SIFF this weekend: The Craft, Rosemary's Baby, Witchfinder General, and The Devils.

11. Battle of the Bards
This unique event allows the audience to take charge of the direction of Ghost Light Theatrical's 2016-2017 season. Three ensembles perform scenes from three classical play adaptations, and then audience members vote on their favorite, ultimately deciding which adaptation makes it into Ghost Light's lineup. (Through Sat)

12. No Sex Please, We’re British
A young bride orders Scandinavian glassware and instead gets sent porn, which apparently threatens the happiness of the newlyweds. (Through Feb 27)

13. Connie & The Precious Moments present "Amour Tropicale"
"Poetess, life coach, and color therapist" Connie Merlot promises to deliver (along with her band mates Joyce and René) poetry, romance, soft pop/smooth jazz, and a sprinkling of new age electronica. Truly a variety show for the ages. (Through Sat)

14. Read and Bleed
Women-identifying humans are invited to read and be read to at Twilight Gallery on the day before Valentine's Day. It's the coziest (most womb-like?) setting imaginable, with the dress code suggesting "PJs, sweats, yoga pants, fuzzy socks." Take care of yourself period-style with art, comfort, and free wine and chocolate.

15. Every Movie is a Musical
Improvisers and musicians forcibly transform movies into movie musicals. Listen to their stylings as they insert a love song into an action movie or a big explanatory "this-is-what-we're-doing" number into a noir drama.

16. Hearts on Fire: A Valentine's Showcase of Country Duets
Few genres of music are more ripe for duets than country, and tonight Conor Byrne hosts musicians performing some of their favorite love ballads.

17. Dining in the Dark
A six-course meal served in the dark. You're in for a disorienting, slightly sensual, and probably new experience.

18. Valentine's Day at Linda's: Songs in the Key of Fuck
Linda's celebrates Valentine's Day the Linda's way, with a night of risqué jams "that would even make Prince blush."

19. It's a Love Thing
Enjoy adorable and painstakingly trained bonsais on Valentine's Day. They suggest that you wander around and write a haiku, or you know, get engaged "and receive a discount on a future event rental." One of the two. PBM is kinda like your relative who wants you to hurry up and get hitched already.

20. Opera on Tap
Professional opera singers performing in "Seattle's most infamous dive bar": sounds like a recipe for romance.