If only Lenin’s leg were lower, I would hump it. Kris Kajewski
Jimi Hendrix by Daryl Smith on Capitol Hill

The bronze Jimi Hendrix statue on Broadway is the best piece of art in Seattle, paws down. I'm not really sure who Jimi Hendrix is, nor do I care. My interest lies specifically in his crotch, which is at the perfect height for sniffing. Also, his left thigh is sticking out at the perfect angle for humping. It's almost like this statue was made for dogs, that's how great it is. God, I'm getting excited just thinking about it.


Persephone Unbound by Beverly Pepper at Olympic Sculpture Park

There are quite a few interesting things at Olympic Sculpture Park, but the best piece of art is Beverly Pepper's Persephone Unbound. Why? Well, first of all, it looks like a stick. Who doesn't like sticks?! Also, sometimes the area around it is overgrown with nice tall grass. Now, obviously I would never, ever advocate pooping behind a work of art. But I can also tell you from experience that absolutely no one will notice if you poop behind this sculpture.


Black Sun by Isamu Noguchi at Volunteer Park

Everyone likes Black Sun. People like taking pictures of the Space Needle through it. I like it because it reminds me of my butthole, and my butthole is delicious.


Vladimir Lenin by Emil Venkov in Fremont

Maybe he's no Jimi Hendrix in the crotch department, plus his right leg is too tall to be humpable, but a dog can dream. Sometimes I like to imagine that I'm 20 feet tall and that I'm crushing the bourgeoisie by grinding them between the millstones of Lenin's leg and my humping of said leg. Communists aren't the only ones that are red, if you get my drift. (It's my penis. My penis is also red.)


Waiting for the Interurban by Richard Beyer in Fremont

From a distance, this sculpture looks like a group of people and a dog waiting for public transit. What makes this artwork an abomination that should be avoided at all costs is the dog's face, which is actually the face of a man on a dog's body. I don't know what this is about, but it's horrifying and has absolutely no business being down here at dog-face level.


Good Dog Carl by Kevin Edwin Pettelle at Meridian Park Playground

This sculpture of a dog with its tongue hanging out embodies all the worst dog stereotypes. First of all, he's wearing a bandanna. Bandannas are never an animal's idea. Secondly, people put their kids on top of it like they're riding a horse. Again, being ridden is never an animal's idea. Ugh. Humans are the worst.


Husky Spirit by Georgia Gerber at University of Washington

Seriously, what's with all the god-awful dog sculptures in Seattle? This one is not only ugly, it's doubly offensive because it's a mascot. Hey, UW, did you ever think to ask dogs if we wanted to be your mascot? Because we don't. If you need me, I'll be in the fountain.