WALKING YOUR SHEEP IN COLUMBIA CITY

On a sunny Friday morning in Columbia City, we saw you, a woman, walking westward up Oregon Street. You were not alone. You were accompanied by your dog (on a leash) and two old sheep. One sheep was dirty blond, and the other was black. The black sheep had large, curling horns. The sheep were not on leashes, but free to roam off the sidewalk and into the street, which they did, forcing us (and several other drivers) to wait for them to make their way back to the sidewalk before proceeding. Our first reaction was to be annoyed, but as we watched the old black sheep with big floppy ears wiggle its fluffy butt up the hill, we couldn't help but smile, enjoy the scene, and say "Baaaaaaaaaaa" out loud to ourselves in the privacy of our vehicle.

DOG WALKS MAN AT DENNY NEAR VIRGINIA

On a Tuesday night, we saw you, a seemingly able-bodied man in your 20s, smoking a cigarette on a skateboard while being dragged by a 40-pound black dog on Denny near Virginia. You should be ashamed of your animal-abusing self, you lazy piece of shit.

DOG WALKS DOG DOWN EAST OLIVE WAY

On the last day of Sakura-Con, we saw you walking your dog down East Olive Way while wearing a dog suit. It almost looked like the dog was walking you. It was a rainy gray day, but you had the leash in one hand and, in the other, a bright pink umbrella.

WALKING WHILE LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE

You were walking four abreast on a city sidewalk. You were walking right behind a person walking three big dogs on long leashes, who was walking right behind a person who was texting while pushing a giant two-seater baby stroller (with just one baby in it), who was walking right behind the person who came to a sudden stop to look at his phone. At that moment everyone basically slammed into each other. No one was hurt, but everyone on that sidewalk—except the baby—really did deserve to be hurt.

VERY IMPORTANT LIGHT RAIL RIDERS

On Monday morning, we saw you—a young woman with torn black jeans, an older woman with a stringed instrument in a travel case, a middle-aged man with headphones, and a bearded dude with a backward baseball cap—riding the light rail north. Each of you had a VIB (very important bag) with you: a black backpack, a red backpack, a tan canvas duffel, and a small rolling suitcase. We know these bags were very important because, despite the fact that the train was full and that small children and older women were standing, you gave your bags their very own seats.

THE ART OF THE DEAL

We saw you sitting inside your sports car on 11th Avenue. Then we heard you. You were talking to a business partner on one of those setups in which you don't have to hold a cell phone; some mic in your car was picking up your voice as your car speakers played his voice. Loudly. Did you realize we could all hear your inane money talk? Could you maybe confine your hands-free, in-car business meetings to the freeway, where the rush of traffic would buffer others from your VERY IMPORTANT deal-making?

SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP

You sat on the Seattle Streetcar as it traveled away from Pioneer Square on Tuesday evening, your feet propped up on a Blue Apron box. You pulled a red hat from your bag. It read "Make America Great Again." You laughed as you explained to your friend that you were disappointed it didn't feature a tag reading "Made in China," giddy at the irony of it all. "How much did you pay for that?" your friend asked. "Thirty total," you said proudly. It was impossible not to wonder: Did you realize you just donated $30 to Donald Trump's presidential campaign? Did you care?

CROCODILE COPROPHILIA

We heard—but thankfully didn't smell—you fart in the men's room at the Crocodile on a Tuesday night, and then mimic the timbre of said fart by singing the bugle-powered song "Charge" that's commonly heard at sporting events. Nice save, guy.

OVERHEARD IN COLUMBIA CITY

We saw you at Lottie's Lounge talking to an avuncular man who wore a red shirt and held a glass of dark-colored beer in his hand. You wore blue jeans and a loose-fitting summery shirt. You looked to be in the second part of your 30s. You said that your roommate had moved to San Diego and left his mattress at your place. You explained that he posted an ad for it on Craigslist. "What the fuck was he thinking?" you said loudly. "Why not also say: 'The mattress comes with the opportunity to rape a woman'? Only rapists will respond to a $100 offer for a used mattress."

PINE STREET PEDESTRIAN MAKES A POINT

You shuffled along Pine Street with a walker and a red winter coat, your head down on a Monday morning. You got to the crosswalk at Harvard Avenue, where a black car was stopped at the light and blocking the entire crosswalk. You pushed your walker straight through the pedestrian crossing until you ran into the car. You looked up and stared directly at the driver. You said nothing, but kept staring, making your point without needing to say a word. Eventually, he moved.