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Noted Moron Justin Bieber Still Smarter Than the DEA

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The last few weeks have blessed us with some bizarre, sad, and telling bits of cannabis news. For starters, Justin Bieber recently tweeted a link to a documentary video outlining the involvement of large pharmaceutical manufacturers in efforts to block cannabis legalization, telling his 88,769,539 followers, "This is important. A friend showed me this. I'm going to be talking more about this. We all need to pay attention."

May I remind you that Justin Bieber is the man who was once ejected from Mayan ruins for showing up with open containers of beer, baring his ass, and climbing on said ruins? He also famously signed the guestbook at the Anne Frank museum, "Hopefully she would have been a Belieber!" He is clearly an idiot.

However, his recent tweet proves that he is capable of a level of comprehension that the US Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) apparently isn't. Judging from his tweet, he is able to apprehend the documentary's underlying premise, which is that the company that makes heavy-duty painkiller Fentanyl is fearful enough of competition from cannabis to drop $500,000 on a single state's legalization initiative. And, by extension, that cannabis has legitimate medicinal value and continuing to list it as a Schedule I controlled substance is lunacy.

The DEA, however, continues to do just that. They are, astonishingly, apparently unable to make the simple leap of logic that even Justin Bieber, of all people, has made. Or, more repugnantly, the DEA is willfully choosing not to.

Cannabis Plants Found in 2,800-Year-Old Chinese Tomb

In case you needed even more proof that people have been enjoying the various medical and recreational benefits of cannabis since before the DEA existed, researchers recently found whole cannabis plants in a very ancient tomb in northwestern China, as recently reported by National Geographic. Discoveries of ancient cannabis had previously been limited to plant parts.

The discovery is significant in that it offers compelling evidence that ancient cultures weren't just using cannabis to make rope. Indeed, the plants were discovered arrayed on top of the tomb's occupant as a burial shroud, indicating that they were being used in a ritualistic manner. They were also, apparently, topped with some dank nugs.

"The flowering heads of the Jiayi plants were covered with glandular trichomes, a sort of tiny plant 'hair' that in cannabis secretes resin containing psychoactive cannabinoids such as THC," National Geographic's Kristin Romey reported. "The researchers suspect that this marijuana was grown and harvested for its psychoactive resin, which may have been inhaled as a sort of incense or consumed in a beverage for ritual or medicinal purposes."

Beloved Seahawk Derrick Coleman Pleads Guilty in Car Accident Involving Synthetic Marijuana

Former Seahawks fullback Derrick Coleman, who overcame hearing impairment to serve as an integral part of the Hawks' ass-kicking squad of 2013, recently pleaded guilty to vehicular-assault and hit-and-run charges resulting from his involvement in a Bellevue area car crash last year. As a first-time offender, he may not face jail time, but he will likely do an extensive amount of community service, and his career may have been halted prematurely. What does that have to do with weed?

Well, nothing, technically. Except that, as ESPN reported back in June, officers on the scene found "an opened bag of synthetic cannabinoid labeled 'F'd Up' and three unopened bags of synthetic cannabinoid labeled 'Mad Pitbulls.'" ESPN reported that "Coleman admitted to smoking 'spice,' or synthetic cannabinoids."

Spice is popular with people who are subject to random drug tests, like NFL players (whose rules prohibit players from ingesting marijuana), and has a reputation for making its users aggressive and erratic. The NFL recently added synthetic cannabis to its list of banned substances, after outcry about its widespread and well-documented use amongst players.

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Police Bring Swift Justice to Elderly Pot Kingpin

Lastly, police in Amherst, Massachusetts, raided the home of 81-year-old Margaret Holcomb, carting off the solitary cannabis plant she cultivates to treat her glaucoma, the Daily Hampshire Gazette reported. I'm joking about calling her a "pot kingpin." All she'd done wrong was she hadn't registered as a medical marijuana patient under that state's program. State police, in conjunction with the National Guard, descended on her residence with a helicopter before sending in a convoy of vehicles to ferret out the dangerous contraband, which was found nestled between raspberry bushes in the yard. No charges were filed, but chalk it up anyway as another glorious victory in the War on Drugs. recommended

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