Pot had a better year than you did in 2018. Legal weed went on sale for the first time in Massachusetts, California, and Canada. Billions of dollars are flowing into the industry, and governments across the world are getting friendlier to the drug. But even with all this winning, there were quite a few losers. Of course, no one wants to admit mistakes, so we'd like to admit some mistakes on other people's behalf.
1. Former US attorney general Jeff Sessions regrets not shutting down the country's legal weed industry before Donald Trump embarrassingly forced the turtle-man out of office. "I shoulda stomped out these damn stoners when I had the chance!" Sessions may or may not have been heard wailing at a New Year's Eve party. One of Sessions's grandchildren from Alabama's big city (Birmingham) may or may not have discreetly dropped a CBD tincture into Sessions's cranberry juice to try to calm the KKK enthusiast down.
2. The entire world regrets that Planet 13, a $7.5 million pot store in Las Vegas, is now open. The supposedly largest pot shop in the world has a koi pond, drone lights, and 112,000 square feet of douchey dankness. A local politician told Leafly that the megastore was the "next phase of the cannabis industry," to which anyone who has ever smoked weed replied, "I really fucking hope not."
3. Oregon cannabis growers regret growing too much weed. Prices have bottomed out to less than $400 a pound, the lowest wholesale prices in the country. Ever. That's great for Oregon stoners who smoke it by the pound, but it isn't exactly good news for the people growing it.
4. Stoners across Washington regret that the Washington State Liquor and Cannabis Board (WSLCB) and the state legislature still won't let us grow weed at home. After an extensive study and a comment period from the public last year, the WSLCB punted the issue back to the legislature, which has done absolutely nothing. Is everyone in Olympia stoned or just incompetent?
5. Speaking of stoners, the WSLCB regrets abruptly trying to ban all previously approved pot candies after some hysterical person told them the brightly colored products may appeal to children. Earth to WSLCB: No child has ever successfully walked into a legal weed store, and even adults can't get those goddamn packages open. You practically need bolt cutters just to get a fucking mint out of its sealed pouch. The candy ban policy was stupid, and after the board members changed their minds again and reversed the ban, it made them look more confused than a Stranger staffer who's just taken bong rips in the stairwell.
6. Instagram users regret that the platform is regularly banning people who post photos of cannabis, even in states where pot is legal. Butts, however, are still fine.
7. The WSLCB regrets hiring that software contractor for its pot-tracking system. The system has failed so many times that the state is now penalizing the contractor $3,750 a day. As any stoner with a calculator knows, that's $112,500 per month. That's a lot of fucking pre-rolls! The state still doesn't have a functioning software system.
8. The WSLCB really regrets not catching all those illegal pesticides on the state's legal pot. Actually, wait, no: They don't give a shit about customers ingesting pesticides. Clearly. Capitol Hill pot shop Uncle Ike's has begun testing random products on their shelves for pesticides on their own—since the state doesn't require it, unbelievably, given every other goddamn thing they require.