This week at a campaign stop in Iowa—Jesus Christ, how am I already typing those words nine months before the caucuses even happen?—Senator Ted Cruz reminded a small Methodist college audience why his presidential candidacy is barely more than a figment of the imagination.
He treated the crowd to the usual foaming at the mouth about those gross homosexual marriages, but he also hinted that maybe the Supreme Court's ruling on marriage equality doesn't have to be so, you know, supreme-ish.
What he was referring to is a little-known practice called "jurisdiction stripping"—yes, really, it's called that. And the reason it's little-known is that nobody's managed to do it in 147 years.
In theory, Congress can pass a law stripping federal courts of their authority to rule on certain topics, and Cruz wants you to believe that he's going to do that when it comes to marriage. Sure, Ted. Racist lawmakers weren't able to stop Loving v. Virginia when the vast majority of the country opposed interracial marriage, but you're going to be the one guy who manages to stop gays and lesbians from getting married in Laredo. Okay. Nice dream, bro.
Like so many folks in the stripping profession, Ted's little performance is just a fun little tease. There's no chance he's actually going to go all the way.
For one thing, in 240 years, Congress has only managed to pull off a single successful stripping. It was in 1868, and since then Republicans have tried—and failed—to use the same tactic to block rulings about prayer, abortion, and school busing.
If those issues couldn't muster enough support to pass, then Ted's chances of getting a gay-marriage-stripper through Congress and past President Obama are even slimmer than his chances of finding a shirt that fits him.
But hey, let's give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt. Let's say that Ted Cruz, a man about whom the nicest thing that can be said is that he looks like a composite photograph of various men wincing, was actually successful. If he manages to strip the federal courts of their authority to rule on marriage—then what?
Well, as Ian Millhiser points out, then the Democrats turn around when they're back in power and put on a strip show of their own. They'll pass bills stripping the courts' authority to enforce Citizens United, or to rule on cases that challenge Obamacare. Whee, courts don't mean anything anymore! Everybody strip!
Maybe Ted really believes he has a shot here. Maybe he thinks he's not just a stripper—he's a dancer. He's the Nomi Malone of Congress!
But it's more likely that Ted Cruz is perfectly aware that this stripping business is an empty promise that he can't possibly deliver, just like his support for a constitutional marriage ban, and gee whiz his entire imaginary presidential campaign. It's all just a show, a glittery spectacle to dazzle his homophobic base while reminding LGBTs that they're gross stupid garbage, but without the glitter:
Okay, Ted. Great work. You've made your point. Now please get off the stage and make room for the serious headliners.
