Going to see Keith Alexander—head of the National Security Agency from 2005 to 2014, and, if Edward Snowden is right, prolific dick pic collector—speak tonight at 7 p.m. at Seattle Pacific University? Here are some questions you might want to ask Keith:
1. Keith, why is the NSA collecting our dick pics? Are you collecting our tit pics too?
2. I would like to collect it all, Keith: all of your personal and family photos! Okay, Keith?
3. Cool if the government listens in next time you call your wife, Keith?
4. Still convinced Snowden is a secret Russian spy, not a whistleblower, Keith?
5. Why should we trust you, Keith, or your successor?
6. Who was the person, Keith, who you called the most times last year? Who did you call on your birthday, Keith, and at what time of day? How long did each of you speak, Keith? In fact, would you mind sharing with me, Keith, your personal cell phone number, all the numbers you dialed, and the duration of all incoming and outgoing calls?*
(*It’s just metadata, Keith! And we just want to collect it so we can search through it if necessary. It’s not like we’re going to do anything with it, you silly worrywart!)
7. Would you be mad if I flew a drone into your balls, Keith, and said, “Whoops, collateral damage!”?