As people around the country are googling “Spokane” to figure out where the hell it is and why nobody there seems to know what black people look like, there is also a debate raging on the internet: Can you just be whatever race you want?

Don’t worry, friends, when your mom told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, she was right! You can be black if you want to, and I can be white! I’ve had my eye on Whiteness for a while and it seems like a sweet gig, so if you’ve been looking to add a little color to your life, I’m here to make a trade.

What You Get:

Black friends—but for real
A whole library of cool handshakes
Great music
Dancing ability
The ability to look cool in bright colors
A rich history of strength through adversity
Black Twitter
The ability to grow locs that don’t look disgusting
An Afro that white people always want to touch
Better basketball skills
You get to retroactively feel immense joy at Obama’s 2008 election
Kwanzaa
Black history month
A really nice ass
Those anti-aging genes (#CheckThisMelanin)
A sweet potato pie recipe
Kylie Jenner lips without surgery
Police brutality
A lower life expectancy
1300 percent less net financial worth
A higher infant mortality rate
A lower salary—for the same job!
The school-to-prison pipeline
Those ladies who clutch their purses when you walk by
Centuries of oppression and exploitation
Your own food desert
Your own security detail every time you go shopping
Your own special extra-racist internet trolls

What I Get:

St. Patrick’s Day
All the other history months
To enjoy that show Girls
A bank loan
Hair that’s considered “professional” just the way it grows out of my head
Most of the Disney princesses
Way more Halloween costume options
The freedom to call the police when I’m in danger
Country music
Nude crayons, Band-Aids, and pantyhose
A goulash recipe
A fat/phat raise (next round’s on me, friends)
All your business contacts
Manifest destiny
The ability to go to the airport without being picked for “random screening”
Generations of freedom and power
The ability to ask for help after a car accident without being shot in the face
Higher-quality medical care
Fanny packs
Carson Daly
A lifetime supply of sunscreen
The ability to not see color

So those are my terms of sale. A life of blackness is yours—all for the cost of your whiteness! Don’t miss out on this great opportunity.

Terms and conditions: No refunds. No day passes. No substitutions.