It's only the first of Cocktober and we're already being treated to a fun sex scandal: Republican Representative Jud McMillin (R-Asshole), who's spent his short political career crowing about family values and blocking protections for women, is resigning due to a leaked sex video. Of course.

Are the details weird and salacious? Of course they are! According to Jud, his phone was stolen in Canada, which is totally a thing that happens, and something inappropriate was texted to some contacts. Salon says it was a sex video featuring him and a person who is not his wife.

Jud's probably kicking himself right now for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that he was partly responsible for blocking a bill that would have made it illegal to distribute revenge-porn in Indiana. Whoops!

Jud is just about as cartoonish a villain as you could hope to hiss at. He backed a bill designed to discriminate against queers under the guise of "religious freedom," and he used his office to generate grants for companies he was involved with. He wanted to drug-test welfare recipients. According to a scathing expose by Bil Browning, a former classmate referred to him as "Draco Malfoy but without the good looks and a worse personality." It seems a little cruel to dig in the knife right now over the man's physical appearance, but he's truly a monster so fuck it: yeah, he looks like a cross between Mr. Bean and The Rock.

And it sounds like he was a fun kid, too. Browning reports that as a kid he played "a dangerous driving 'game' where participants speed down the road and attempt to keep passing each other while braving oncoming traffic," and someone he was playing this game with struck a car head-on and killed a man, his wife, and their baby.

Anyway, this isn't even Jud's first sex scandal: as a prosecutor, he romantically pursued a domestic violence victim whom he was supposed to be helping, and eventually had to resign in disgrace. And now here he is all over again, fleeing a job due to naughty sexy fun time to "spend more time with my family." Lucky family! Spending more time with you is probably exactly what they want right now.

But there are two giant questions still lingering over the whole mess. 1.) Are you fucking kidding me, and 2.) What the fuck is in that video?

Regarding the first question, does he really expect people to believe his story? Some mystery Canadian stole his phone, which was conveniently unlocked, found an incriminating sex video, and texted it to ... someone? These sound to me like the sputtering excuses of a teenager. I'm willing to believe that this idiot didn't have a passcode on his phone, but what on Earth are the circumstances of the device being snatched up in the wilds of Saskatchewan by someone intent on ruining the career of a two-bit jerk from thousands of miles away? How does that happen?

And more importantly, what could possibly be in that video that's so bad he's resigning? Nobody reputable seem to be saying, which means all we can do in the meantime to speculate based on his past behavior! We know from his previous sex scandal that he likes dildos. He reportedly texted the domestic violence victim he ended up in a sexual relationship with a photo of himself using one, and also "sent photos of himself masturbating with a string tied tightly from his testicles to the wheels of a rolling office chair to illustrate his pain." Alas, these images are sealed away in court somewhere. Court documents call them "highly provocative and sexually explicit."

So what do you suppose it is this time? It would be hard to outdo the imagination of his office chair trick, so let's assume the video contains something truly raunchy. Sticking all of the spoons at a retirement home down his pants? Drilling glory holes in the Indiana House lectern? Constructing a sex doll made entirely of Canadian bacon? The sky's the limit with this guy.

By the way, Jud also voted to strip Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood, because of course he did. Now that his wife knows what he's been up to, she might want to pop into one of those clinics her husband tried to defund and get tested.