I am right in the thick of the wedding-weekend portion of my life. All of my friends are getting married, especially with marriage equality passing. I have been in the bridal party for over ten weddings, as a bridesmaid and officiant. I am a gay lady and I have been out for years now. I don’t make a huge deal of being gay, but certain things come up sometimes. My best guy friend is getting married soon and his fiancé asked me to be her bridesmaid. I accepted it as an honor.

The maid of honor is throwing a bachelorette party and has made it clear that it’s our duty as bridesmaids to attend. I have enjoyed some low-key bachelorette parties in wine country with no problem, however don’t feel comfortable at the blowout penis-themed parties where I have to eat penis jello jigglers and drink out of a penis straw. This is the type of party they are throwing for the bride. I think it’s fun for the hetero girls of the bridal party (they shouldn’t change things up for me), but I have kindly declined. I thought this was the way to handle the situation without making a big deal or sounding like a party pooper, but not everyone is happy. I've got a strongly worded email from the maid of honor. I’m not going for the same reason the straight groomsmen aren’t going; it’s awkward.

My question is, as a gay lady, if I accept being a bridesmaid, does that imply I have to do the bachelorette party? Or should I have not accepted being a bridesmaid for my best buddy’s wedding? I think it was nice of them to invite me. I also have considered going to part of the bachelorette party, like dinner, but I feel like that makes things even weirder when I excuse myself.

Groomsmaid?

P.S. I'm thinking about getting married soon. For my bachelorette party I'd like to hit up a regular strip club. I will invite everybody I want to invite, but not pressure anyone if they decline.

First order of business: Call the maid of honor and tell her to go fuck herself. Second order of business: Give your friend a call, the bride-to-be, and let her know you'll be there for the bridal shower, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, and the reception, but you're gonna have to miss the bachelorette party. Reassure her that it's no big deal, G, and that you're not trying to get the maid-of-honor to drop the phallus theme in favor of a field hockey theme or an OITNB theme. You want her and all her straight friends to go out and get phalloplastered and have a blast—but that you are, as she knows, a lesbian, and you're not particularly keen on putting penises in your mouth and not really that into bachelor/bachelorette parties either.

If this disqualifies you from being a bridesmaid, or if it's going to inspire a lot of drama on the wedding day with the MOH, tell your buddy you're happy to step aside and let someone else—someone who enjoys penises more than you do, someone with a higher tolerance for this kind of bullshit drama—to complete the bridal party.

And if you should find yourself in this position again, G, don't decline the invitation or object to the theme. Accept the invite and come down with the flu or food poisoning—some 24-hour bug—on the day of the bachelorette party and phone in your regrets. Then spend the evening at home alone in front of the TV binge-watching/re-watching OITNB—just be sure to stay the fuck off Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that night, okay?