A presidential election that promises to be the stupidest in our nation's history has just reached new points of stupidness: Samuel L. Jackson and Donald Trump are having a fight about golf cheating. This is a real thing that is happening, not a fever dream from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Don't worry—there's nothing of particular urgency going on with the candidates today, so you don't have to feel any guilt about indulging in this dumb news. You're not missing any headlines about Ted Cruz admitting that he's the cause of cancer, or Bernie Sanders unveiling a new iPhone.
The only other headline of note today is that Jeb Bush says he's more attractive than Chris Christie, which I guess is true in a Dean Stockwell-versus-Ernest Borgnine sort of way. So go ahead, allow this idiotic golf story to be your one dose of political news today—it's not like the other candidates are doing anything more serious.
As far as anyone can tell, the golf-cheating feud started, like so many conflicts do, in the pages of United Airlines' in-flight magazine, Hemispheres. In an interview with Alex Pappademas, Samuel L. Jackson revealed that he's golfed with Donald Trump several years ago at one of Trump's clubs. And then Trump, without telling Jackson, either signed him up as a dues-owing member of the club, or there was some clerical error that resulted in a bill being sent to Jackson.
On one hand, this is kind of an asshole move. On the other, I love that Trump might be employing a bait-and-switch with celebrities like one of those "10 cassettes for a penny" clubs.
Jackson also says that he's a better golfer than Trump, because "I don't cheat."
That Trump cheats at golf is no huge surprise. A Washington Post investigation on another slow news day revealed that everyone knows he moves balls, writes down wrong scores, and is generally a fun rich idiot.
Trump's reaction to Jackson:
Jackson responded by going on Late Night with Seth Meyers, a show hosted by what appears to be a tall child with a lemonade stand, to show off the bill he received, so that at least proves ... something.
An internet busybody turned up photos of Trump and Jackson talking at, for some reason, an Oscars event:
And then Anthony Anderson, star of the show Black-ish, tweeted this fond memory:
This is yet another fantastic detail: shrimp and hot dogs? What? Because these are rich people we're talking about, you know that the shimp and hot dogs were served with pretentious garnish on complicated fancy plates, and I am so desperately curious about how Trump's kitchen dresses up this bizarre pairing.
Anyway, Trump followed that up with this:
And then added:
Man shot inside Paris police station. Just announced that terror threat is at highest level. Germany is a total mess-big crime. GET SMART!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 7, 2016
This is a great idea. Let's all watch a clip from the 1995 reboot of the Don Adams sitcom Get Smart, starring Andy Dick and a generous laugh track.
You are now all caught up on the 2016 presidential campaign.