It’s a little known fact that the Republican Party is actually a massive superweapon designed to absorb the quintessence of a nearby star and then transform it into a beam of pure phantom energy. Although the Republican base has proven itself capable of destroying an entire planet, recently spies have discovered a point of vulnerability by which it might be brought down: a thermal oscillator named Donald Trump.
Trump, you might’ve heard, is planning to skip the next Fox News debate. Bravo to him for his ongoing success at remaining at the top of the news cycle, and for his seemingly endless capacity to support the topical-comedy industry. Every day that he remains as a candidate brings forth new signs that we are entering Republican end times, where absolutely nothing makes sense anymore. Conservatives are turning on each other, Michael Moore is interviewing Megyn Kelly, dogs and cats are living together, and the whole party is in chaos.
What fun.
So Donald’s (probably?) not going to the debate, and will instead host a fundraiser for veterans, which is nice of him I guess. Why is he doing this? Hard to say, exactly, because his reasons keep shifting. Sometimes it’s because he doesn’t like moderator Megyn Kelly (who called him out for sexism during an earlier debate); sometimes it’s because he believes the whole network is against him; and sometimes it’s because he wants to talk directly to the American people, whatever that means.
The real reason — the reason Trump does anything — is attention, of course. And as always, he’s been wildly successful, with the unwitting help of his rivals who spent the day talking about him.
“If you’re afraid to have anyone ask a question, that does not bode well for what kind of commander-in-chief you’d make,” said Ted Cruz.
“It’ll give us more time to talk,” said Christie.
“Do you know who else is scared of tough qs from Fox?” Jeb tweeted. “Barack Obama.”
According to an anonymous statement from Fox News, a Trump staffer told them that “Megyn had a ‘rough couple of days after that last debate’ and he ‘would hate to have her go through that again.’ … We can’t give in to terrorizations toward any of our employees.”
Terrorizations! Okay, sure, why not. Terrorization level orange at Fox News, someone said something mean on a phone call.
Bizarrely, this has led to Michael Moore appearing on Fox News in comfy-looking pajamas to congratulate Megyn Kelly on defeating Trump — an achievement none of the other candidates have managed.
Chris Matthews observed, sensibly, that after the excitement of watching a real-live lunatic in a debate, nobody’s going to want to watch the boring politicians who take Trump’s place on the stage. (Nevertheless, I’ll be watching and liveslogging the debate this Thursday evening, God help me.)
Chris Matthews also observed, insensibly, “Who’s gonna watch a debate between the two Cuban guys?” Yup, “the two Cuban guys,” can’t think of a better way to describe Cruz and Rubio than that. Nicely put, sir. (Also, there will be a bunch of other non-Cubans up on stage, but whatever.)
Deposed Ferengi Grand Nagus Rudy Giuliani has suggested that Trump surprise everybody by showing up for the debate at the last minute. That would be AMAZING, especially if he jumped out of a broom closet or a cake.
For the record, Trump used to be a huge fan of that Megyn Kelly. “Do you really think you’re a better moderator than I am?” she asked him in 2011 before he was supposed to host a debate of his own.
“No,” he said. “I could never beat you. That wouldn’t even be close. That would be no contest.”
According to former RNC director Curt Anderson, “This whole thing is a disaster.”
He added, “I think I’ll write a book about it.”
