The Future Not-Presidents of the United States of America
The Future Not-Presidents of the United States of America Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com

It's been fun, but like all good things, the Mike Huckabee campaign has finally drawn to an end.

I mean, we can call it a "campaign" but let's be real, candidates like this know they don't have a shot at winning the presidency. But a year or two of "campaigning" is great publicity for books and speeches, and it's a fun audition for Fox News that they can get someone else to pay for. Mission accomplished?

But the Iowa caucuses call bullshit on their nonsense, and now a handful of candidates are "suspending" their campaigns, which is a nice way of saying "nobody likes me." So far, the Republican nobody-likes-me list features Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and Rand Paul, and probably soon John Kasich since he just said that he doesn't want his campaign to look like a "band of minstrels." Oh God yes he actually said that.

On the Democratic side, we just shed Martin O'Malley, which is merciful. Now he can go back to working on his pecs and his lats.

But so far the most pleasurable dropout has been Rick Santorum, whose suffering is a source of boundless cheer for decent people everywhere. After dropping out of the race, he went on MSNBC to endorse Marco Rubio, but couldn't exactly explain why. It's kind of amazing to watch — the hosts beg, literally BEG Santorum to name one Rubio accomplishment, and Rick dodges the question until the best that he can think of is that Rubio did "something that went after the insurance companies."

After the cameras turned off, I can just imagine Rick tearing off his lav and storming out, bellowing, "Fuck all this, get me back to that DVD-by-mail company that I run when I'm not running for an office I'll never win."

And then there's Mike Huckabee, who ended his campaign by noting, "voters are sick of me." I wonder if he used the same line when he dropped out of seminary school in his 20s: "God is sick of me."

Rand Paul dropped out as well, with Colbert noting that he is now free to pursue his father's legacy of not becoming president. Let us all now remember the time that one of Rand's staffers tried to stop someone from filming a campaign event by licking the camera lens.


And then there was the time his campaign talked him into livestreaming himself answering questions. "Is Rand Paul still running for president?" he read, then answered, "I dunno. I wouldn’t be doing this dumbass livestreaming if I weren’t. So yes, I still am running for president. Get over it."

Also two of this staffers were indicted during the campaign so that probably didn't help either.

New Hampshire's primary is on Tuesday, so we can probably look forward to more dropouts next week. Chief among them: John Kasich, who said "If we don’t do well, we’re not going to be dragging around like some band of minstrels who beg people to come to our show." No sir, you would not want to be like a band of minstrels, definitely not.